Friday, March 27, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

I randomly was blog hopping the followers I have and came across one who was trying to stop smoking.

For some reason, the way I stopped smoking popped into my head and thought I'd lay it out here because, what a surprise, IT WAS NOT NORMAL.

I was smoking a pack a day and slowing creeping up to a pack and a half. I would try and quit but I worked in a bar/restaurant and we'd all hang out afterwards and snort coke till about 5 a.m. Then we had to ask if anyone was holding quaaludes so we could go to sleep. There is nothing creepier than going to bed when the birds are waking up. I would always feel like I had wasted time, which of course, I had.

After 2 years of trying to quit only to pick it up again, I couldn't stand it anymore. So I asked God for help.

Please make something happen to me that will make me stop smoking. I don't know what, but just something physical to scare me. BUT DON'T KILL ME.

About a week later I was talking to a friend in North Carolina and of course, smoking. Suddenly I got a huge stabbing pain in my chest and couldn't breathe or talk. I was gasping and heard David through the phone.

D: Are you smoking?
ME: gasp
D: Listen carefully, put the cigarette out and lay down on the floor and count to 30.
ME: gasp
D: It it doesn't go away after 30 and you don't get back on the phone and talk normally, I'm calling 911 because you're having a heart attack.
ME: GASP!!!!!

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 9, 10, 11...

ME: David, I'm okay. How did you know I was smoking?
D: Cause I've had that.
ME: Had what?
D: Lung congestion.
ME: But you still smoke.
D: Yeah, I've had it 4 times and I'm clean for a while then I start again.
ME: Well you couldn't have had THIS because it feels like a knife in the heart.
D: I know. 4 times.

I was still scared shitless but I had asked for it. I thanked God and two nights later I went to the Improv and bummed a cigarette off someone. Half way through the Marlboro I thought, "God is going to kill you and it's probably going to hurt."

I never smoked again and I just want to say this to God: ALL RIGHT ALREADY. YOU CAN STOP NOW. And could you bring back Quaaludes?

End of cigarettes.


  1. Anonymous12:32 AM

    You puss! Beaten by a small white stick. You're no Rodney King.

    Boss O Not Smoking Also xxxx

  2. When I lived in San Diego I ended up with the wrong group. We used to snort Coke until 5 in the morning. About five years later I said "Enough." And I packed my bags, left my husband (yeah, I had one before tightwad) and came home. Never looked back.

    best thing I ever did. way to go Suzy.

  3. Anonymous3:54 AM

    I quit smoking about 20 years ago after many attempts. I'm still tempted now when I smell it but don't do it because it's too easy to go back and that shit will kill you.

    Way to go Suzy.

  4. Anonymous5:24 AM

    damn, don't let me be near you when you ask for a sign like that again!

  5. Wow. The thing that made my husband stop smoking was a root canal. I’m gonna call him a pansy next time I talk to him.

    On a weird aside, can you believe I sometimes miss the smell of someone smoking next to me? Maybe I was a second hand smoke addict. I asked the hobo who I was trying to get a contact high off of and he said no, that I’m normal.

  6. I did the snorting coke thing, but never then Quaaludes and never the cigarettes. I'm glad you listened your signs--my mom and sister didn't and they died of lung cancer.

  7. Yeah sometimes God drops an anvil on your head, or in your case chest, to get your attention

    I grew up in a smoking house. The house didn't smoke, my mom did. I started when I was 14 because it was cool. I stopped for 7 years and started again when my life got tense. Then one day I thought that it wasn't making me less tense it was making me MORE tense.
    I put them down and never went back.

    Of course if you smoked them like that stripper in TJ it wouldn't go to your lungs... ;)

  8. Unlike those above, I will not admit to any illegal drug use.
    I quit smoking when I was hospitalized for dehydration at 8 weeks prego with E. The nurses told me I could go out and smoke if I wanted. They told me other pregos did. I didn't want to look like an ass though. That was the end of my smoking.

  9. Great post. I hope you left her a link so she can come and read this. You just never know what "thing" it will be that gets you to the place where you can quit.

  10. It's great that you quit! A stabbing pain in the chest can't be a good sign for anything.

  11. Anonymous11:56 AM

    Damn I wish God would answer my prayers in such an obvious fashion. You two must be tight! Do you have a "Jesus Is My Homeboy" shirt or something?

  12. haha! Very funny! Good for you, quitting smoking. Its sooo last season!

  13. Hell, it was easy to quit smoking - I did it hundreds of times! No, I'm not smoking now (and haven't for about 25 years) but it's really only temporary. Telling myself that actually helped me stop. But when I turn 80, I'm going to start again.

  14. This week I discovered my (just) 17 year old son had been smoking... I could feel my heart breaking - Cigarettes took my mum way too early, and my dad before his time.

    I cannot understand anyone ever starting to smoke because I hated my parents smoking and coughing their lungs out so much, and I thought he was sensible enough never to begin, but he says all his friends do...

    It's very difficult once you've started to give up, I think, so you should be very, very proud of yourself. I am working on my son...

  15. GOD!!! I just visited my best gay boyfriend from college in NYC and he is STILL smoking.. I'm like "I will help you carry your iron lung.." I quit while living in NY because in NYC you can drink pretty much all the liquor in Manhattan and don't have to feel guilty about driving home so you have those 30 drinks instead of one glass of wine and you smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in 10 minutes. SO after one of those nights.. I had to act in an opera downtown the next day.. I'll never forget the torture... and I literally didn't drink for 2 years and quit smoking once and for all... it's SO dirty in NY that I just followed the buses down Madison was all I needed..


  16. I smoked for a decade and was up to a pack and a half each day.

    I saw all the videos about what it does to your body and would smoke a cigarette while watching the videos thinking, "Hmf."

    One night, I was in a movie theatre with some friends. We had scooted through the rain before entering the theatre and were almost late for the start of the movie so we scrambled quickly to our seats in the dark.

    I kept sniffing the air wondering what the hell smelled like wet dog mixed with an ashtray!

    Alas, it was me. I quit right then and there. What an odd way to quit, right?

    I fell off the wagon a couple of times at first, but now it doesn't even bother's been over a decade.

    Now I eat a huge bag of chips when I'm stressed.