Thursday, June 27, 2013

Win A Copy Of My Book, Celebrity sTalker

Are you one of the people who haven't read my book because you'd rather feed your kids and get pedicures? I'M ON TEAM FEED THE KIDS AND GET PEDICURES! So here's your chance to read it. For Free. I'm giving away a Kindle copy! Because next to Mother Teresa, I'm a giver. (maybe in another lifetime.)

Sidebar: You don't have to own a Kindle to read on a Kindle. You can download Kindle's free app to your computer, tablet, or phone. I'm not being sponsored by Kindle to say this. (I wish I was because I could use the money.) Go to the above link and down on the right sidebar you'll find an option to download the free app.

All you have to do to win my book is leave a comment and I'll pick a winner by July 15. Leave as many comments as you want. Try to leave them in English. No one likes a smart-ass.

My book has 68 Amazon reviews. Only one of them sucks. A woman from Florida. Probably another humor writer. Stupid humor writers. Stupid Florida.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

20 Things My Mother And I Have Argued About

Since she arrived at my apartment two weeks ago, these are some of the arguments my mom and I have had:

1. Whether orange bougainvillea was in fact orange bougainvillea.

2. Why the 8 ounces of water I make her drink twice a day with her medication is in a glass so big she’s never seen a glass that big ever in her entire life am I trying to drown her.

3. How sponges work.

4. The fruit flies in my kitchen should pay rent there are so many of them.

5. Who shut down the online Mah-jongg game when they should have checked with her first to see if she was done playing.

6. The guy who parks next to me is probably glad I had my car washed.

7. Why did it take me so long to get my car washed.

8. We need to stop eating tilapia.

9. Why I eat in front of my computer and will probably die there.

10. That the people on So You Think You Can Dance really can’t dance if you call that dancing.

11. Why don’t I hang up paintings over the couch only hobos live like that.

12. Whether the woman at Bank of America wrote down her password and will try to get into her account because she looks shifty and is Russian and mom is part Russian and knows shifty when she sees it.

13. Why am I forcing her to go to the LaBrea Tar Pits when everybody but me knows she hates fossils.

14. Who moved her coffee cup.

15. Who moved her dish.

16. Who moved her glass.

17. Who moved my coffee cup.

18. Who moved my dish.

19. Who moved my glass.

20. Who drank all the wine.

(21.) me