Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Yes, I Was On Card Sharks

I wore a green dress. I found a picture of it and spent the better part of an afternoon wondering why I was buying black and white film back then when if I'd bought color I could wait until 2011 and photoshop it to black and white.

That's my then best friend Matt sitting next to me and my mother is next to him. Notice how I was a big fan of tanning. And peroxide.

I had no idea how to play Card Sharks. A friend of mine had gone on the show and won a pickup truck and that was all the incentive I needed. It didn't occur to me that it's hard to pay rent with a pick-up truck. Although it's great to haul around the groceries you can't afford to buy.

During commercial breaks someone would come up to me and say, "Could you smile more? Or even just ONCE?" I'm not a smiler. Because of this I have none of those laugh lines around my eyes that make women look 105 years old and make men look distinguished.

Five minutes into the game I lost track of what I was doing and started playing to the audience. I was an entertainer, getting an audience to respond to me was what I did. So when I got this question: "If there was a choice between being a hooker or being a maid, what do you think the majority of women responded?"

I calmly replied, "Hooker." (big gasp from the audience) (seriously, huge gasp) (idiots)

I was asked why I guessed that and I said, almost disdainfully: "A maid is on her feet all day. A hooker is just on her back."

Yeah, I lost that one.

The guy I was playing against was really good. Apparently he actually knew how to play the game. It was a flashback to taking my 11th grade History final, when everyone is writing furiously and I'm bowing my head in prayer. And sobbing.

But unlike the history test, there's no one to copy off.

During a commercial break I turned to him and said, "You HAVE to stop winning. I have no money and I'm in a rental car and staying at my sister's and I have to move here because my agent told me to."

"Well, I'm in med school and have $200,000 worth of loans to pay off."


Saturday, March 26, 2011

L.A. Sign Of The Times #74

Before my ankle surgery in 2008 I bought these Nikes to give my ankle better support.

I wore them three times.

Now I just smile when I see them in my closet. They do not smile back.

Because Nikes are mean.

Friday, March 18, 2011

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

If you're not a fan of CAPS lock or Italics, you might want to skip this post.

This week I'm giving the Bite Me Award up front. It will soon be obvious why.

I believe in karma. What purposeful harm you bring upon others will revisit you twenty fold. I've never seen it fail.

The best thing that happened in all this ugliness is that I reconnected with my best friend, who's family to me. Which is great because I've not told my mom all the details of what's going on. She lives 6,000 miles away and was so upset about the little I did tell her that I didn't want to aggravate her high blood pressure. Too late for mine.

I also found love and solace on Twitter. I will always be grateful for the people who talked me off the ledge. (And generously sent me $300, a care package of chocolate and coffee gifts, a Starbucks card and treated me to a night with Joan Rivers. Not to mention the hundreds of DM's and emails wishing me well)

But I let some people down. Bloggers who were in town that I wanted to see? Didn't happen. I've been unable to put on a neutral face about my life because I've been massively depressed. But one of the worst things, besides getting a bleeding ulcer, was seeing that people whose friendship I was on the fence about before did not fail me in that regard this time.

One person who I unloaded last year resurfaced. The reason I dropped them was because they could only handle a phone call if they were the main topic of conversation. Do you have this person in your life? They start a conversation by asking how you are. You respond because you actually believe they want to know how you are. Then the next hour is about them. And if, in The Wide Wide World Of This Is How A Conversation Works, we drift back to me, they hang up! Only I don't know it because there's no click. (Dear Future: BRING BACK THE CLICK) So I would always call them back.

So when I saw their name on my Caller ID a few weeks ago I actually believed they wanted to talk about ME instead of their laundry list of what was wrong with them that p.s. I can't fix no one can because you're a total fucking MESS.
But after tolerating about 15 minutes of my story, THEY HUNG UP ON ME AGAIN. And I called back. Again. I was met with, "I don't know what happened but I'm running out the door." The last time I checked, a cell phone works WHEN YOU'RE GOING OUT THE DOOR.

I always believe people exit and enter your life with lessons to be learned. Here was my lesson: People really are as mental as they appear. GOT IT!

It's been a rough year for the Ring of Fire. Chile, New Zealand and now Japan. If it's going clockwise, California is next. It's been nice knowing you.
End of chat.

Monday, March 14, 2011

L.A. Sign Of The Times #73

This picture taken with my little point and shoot doesn't do this any justice. But someone painted a 2 dimensional curtain, a trompe l'oeil as one of my commenters reminded me, on the side of this building and in person it's spectacular.

After over 70 plus pictures of LA (see the rest when you click on the label below), and 4 years of chronicling the least seen side of Los Angeles, I don't understand why a camera company hasn't given me a nicer camera AND DON'T SAY IT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T READ MY BLOG.

Because you'd be right and that's just annoying.

It might also be because I once called Nikon "Nike" and who confuses a camera with a shoe?

I mean, besides me.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Not Even Big Charlie Sheen Money

Those of you who know me from Twitter know what's going on in my life. Those of you who aren't on Twitter don't know. I'm not going to discuss it here, and if you know what's going on, do NOT leave a comment that references it. I can't figure out how to close comments in Blogger which is sad because hello, it's Blogger.

Just suffice it to say that it's:

A. Not funny
B. Has made me physically ill

A bleeding ulcer to be exact. A bad one. My doctor says to reduce the stress in my life or I'll end up in a hospital. It's really hateful to see what some people will do to others in the name of money. And not even big Charlie Sheen money.

But great news! California's taxes just jumped to 10.25%. We also have the highest gas prices in the nation.

We're number 1!
We're number 1!

When this is all over I'll tell you how Angelina Jolie stepped in to help me, why Us Magazine contacted me, how the people on Twitter SAVED MY LIFE on a day I was so despondent over what was happening to me that I didn't think I would make it another hour and how I hope my high blood pressure doesn't kill me. If it does, contact one of my attorneys and go for Wrongful Death. Trust me, you'll win. Just be sure my mother gets a large cut or I'll never hear the end of it.

Although I won't actually be around to hear it.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

And She Loves Steve Martin!

Remember when all your new friends came from blogging? Facebook and Twitter have changed that.
And that's how March's Teeshirter and I crossed paths. Twitter.

I'd been reading this blog for years and so had this person. When one person follows you on Twitter, all their readers eventually start following you and vice versa. Your circle of friends balloons exponentially and soon you're up to your eyeballs in a whole new set of friends.

Then these three people mentioned above entered the Erma Bombeck Writing Contest and the global winner? Right here on this page.

In December she bought a tee shirt but Pay Pal never sent me the notification. She wrote me and I drove the tee shirt over to the Valley, which is only about 20 minutes from my place. We had coffee and ran into this guy from NBC Dateline TV. Not so much *ran into* as me motioning him with my finger to come over to us.

Josh Mankiewicz from Dateline NBC.

Then a psycho guy kept staring at me and I forced this poor woman to accompany me to the ladies room so the guy wouldn't attempt to bother me. I'm very mature and enjoy reliving junior high every chance I get.

So tonight, in an effort to distract me from what's going on in my life, (that I can't talk about), she's taking me to see Joan Rivers.

DO YOU SEE WHY I LOVE TWITTER? Now go follow her blog. And follow her on Twitter too!