Saturday, June 30, 2007

A Gift For The Weekend. You're Welcome.

My friend Dave Edison came up with these buttons and sells them at Cafe Press through his website, Crappco.

The name says it all.

The button is royal blue, the psychedelic colors in this shot were added by my scanner and Frank at HP who didn't comprehend the word 'Lavender.'

End of chat.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I'm Guessing I Was A Good Kindergartner

One day I took red fingernail polish and black satin paint and distressed the photo, the frame and the wall. I accidentally distressed the curtain to the right of the picture and the carpet. I give 110% to all my projects, even the ones I'm thisclose to ruining.

End of chat.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Malibu, California

McLoserstene, her friend Kristin and I went to Malibu last week. Malibu is a great place to visit if you want to look at houses you’ll never own, cars you’ll never drive and people you’ll never sleep with. Approaching the town, we saw deer grazing on the lawn of Pepperdine University, a noted landmark of this seaside enclave. Pepperdine sits high above the ocean off Pacific Coast Highway and is a school for the rich. I have no idea whether it’s a good university or whether they study how to pick out china patterns but those kids have better cars than any of my friends.

Speaking of cars, we didn’t see any cool ones once we got down to the Malibu Country Mart, the mall you see in all the tabloids and entertainment shows. On a good day you see the Maseratis, Ferraris and Porsches but this was the only car we saw besides all the ubiquitous Benzs. We went into Canvas, where they sell limited-edition Nike sneakers. A high-end pair of men’s shoes were $500. I found a pair of pin-striped for $95.00 thanks to McLoserstene. She's the person who memorizes your taste and then goes shopping with you and points you to the thing you overlook. I was looking at a pair of sneaks made of straw when she pointed out that these were cooler. (I'm changing out the white shoelaces) There used to be a lingerie store in the place of Canvas so I asked the saleslady what happened to it. She said the monthly rents went up. I asked her how much they could have gone up and she said they went up to $30,000 a month. Totally reasonable. If you’re the Sultan of Brunei.
This restaurant is always in the tabloids. Jennifer Aniston lives here. Nobu New York is the original and is co-owned by Robert de Niro. This one is more casual but just as expensive. A pair of blue-fin tuna toro sushi is $18.00. This is from their menu: succulent broiled black cod with miso, rock shrimp tempura with ponzu sauce, new-style sashimi, a broth perfumed with aromatic matsutake mushrooms, seared toro, and sizzling Kobe beef. At $500 a pound, that Kobe better be sizzling.

I have no idea what any of it tastes like since it’s only open for dinner and I’m always there during the day. I got a hamburger across the way at an outdoorsy shack place and that cost eight bucks (I had cheese on it) so it’s probably a good thing that Nobu is closed for lunch.

We went to Planet Blue, which usually kicks your ass in a serious way, ditto Madison and Ron Herman, but nothing was getting us off. I saw a beautiful dress with some cleavage coming my way and I was so taken with the dress that I only gave the woman's face a cursory glance. Kristin and McLoserstene started whispering that it was Brooke Burke. I looked for my camera but couldn’t find it, mainly because I’d stuck it in the Nike bag.

“Do you even know who she is?” McLoserstene asked.
“Well of course I do.”
“Who is she?”
“She was on that show. Last summer.”

We moved on to Indiana Joan’s, then L’Occitane and Ralph Lauren, my home away from home. I bought some black sunglasses which Kristin is wearing in this picture with McLoserstene. Note to Ralph Lauren, for $227.33, you might want to make a carrying case that fits the glasses. And even though your rent is $30,000 a month, throw in a bag with the purchase as opposed to having the saleslady say “Why don’t you just put them in your Nike bag?” You're giving away a paper bag, not an ingot.
Look at this picture. Doesn't it look like McLoserstene's knees are pointing forward? Either those jeans are weird or she has a secret job with Cirque du Soleil. As we exited RL, there was Brooke again, only McLoserstene and Kristin waited until she had walked by to tell me. They really hate me. I searched my purse trying to find my camera but I couldn’t locate it because I'd now stashed it in my Ralph bag, which I had to beg for.

$380.50, (not counting the cheeseburger) a really old Rolls Royce and Brooke Burke. And no pictures of the ocean. I lived in NYC for 14 years and never went to the Statue of Liberty. Same thing.

End of chat.

Friday, June 22, 2007


© 2006 Clayboys

Best with: Virgo, Pisces, Scorpio, Leo, Taurus, Cancer
Fair with: Gemini, Capricorn, Aries
Difficult with: Libra, Aquarius, Sagittarius

Happy Birthday George W. Bush, O.J. Simpson and Courtney Love

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Monday, June 11, 2007

She's Got Lame

I do lame things. I once wrote a letter to the university I graduated from saying that Suzy had moved and to stop sending 'her' mail to me for financial solicitations. I then put one of my return address stickers on the envelope. Eventually I just sent them a check for $100 to stop the lambs from screaming in my mailbox twice a month.

I get all my deceased stepmother's mail, even though she died in 1998 and lived 3000 miles away. In an effort to stop a cruise line from sending me their flyers every twenty and a half seconds, I saved them all, stuck them in an envelope and wrote them a letter saying she was deceased. I then put one of my return address stickers on the envelope. Now I can go on a cruise in my own name! I don't even learn from my mistakes.

I have two pair of real Chanel eyeglasses. One is a pair of sunglasses that I use for driving and the other are clear ones that I use to see at the movies. They were only $500 at the time. They're now up to $800 and I had to draw the line. I mean, it's not like it's Restylane, you know? So I did what any cheapskate with impeccably good taste would do and bought a pair of fake sunglasses that spelled out Chanel over the bridge of the nose. One day when I was wearing them, I was walking down the street with McLoserstene when a kid holding a camera stopped and asked if he could interview us for a documentary about living in L.A. McLoserstene promptly declined, as I think she's on the lam from the Feds, but I agreed.

"What makes L.A. a great city?" the kid asked as he focused his lens on my face.

"For me I'd have to say it is the shopping. Beverly Hills, Malibu, even Melrose. It's the only place I can find all the couture designers and buy the high-end one of a kind things." After a few more questions he thanked us, McLoserstene took off her fake mustache and we continued down the street. It was only later, when I removed the sunglasses, that I noticed that the N in Chanel had fallen off and that I was wearing the famed couture designer Chael's one of a kind - really one of a kind - sunglasses. The editors probably put me on a gag reel and sent it straight to Chanel who put me on an International Do Not Sell list.

I went to Costco one day and bought a pack of filet mignons, a bunch of asparagus, a book and a DVD. I paid for everything and then set them down on an adjacent counter as I plowed through a bin of boxes. After a few minutes I found a small one, turned to my purchases and noticed that the asparagus was gone. I looked right and left, trying to spot the dumbass who would leave filet mignon and take asparagus. Fucking vegetarians.

"Uh, excuse me." I tried waving down an employee who didn't even turn around. "Hello, scuse me!" I was, apparently, invisible in a world of the deaf. Great, now I was going to have to wander through the exit line by myself looking for extra vegetables in everyone's boxes. This is why people get married. To get someone else to do the dirty work.

I took a step, bumped into something and looked down. The asparagus had fallen on the floor. Might as well check out the optometrist while I was there.

But the lamest thing I ever did involved my late father. After his fourth wife died, I went to spend Christmas with him. One day we went food shopping in one of those gigantic supermarkets. I convinced him to use the motorized scooter since by now he was 88 and was walking slower and I didn't want to spend the next 47 days food shopping. He looked skeptical but I finally talked him into it. I convinced him that it was easy, it only had 2 gears on the handlebars, one for Stop and one for Go. He started off slowly but soon got the hang of it so I stopped watching to make sure he didn't knock over a child trying to destroy a can display. When we got to the milk section I asked him what he wanted but he didn't hear me.
"Dad?" He kept going. "DAD!!!"

This apparently frightened him and as I looked away for a second, I saw out of the corner of my eye that he appeared to be heading for a loading bay, with the big plastic flaps in front of it and probably a twenty-foot drop to the Atlantic Ocean on the other side. And he was not going slowly.

"DAAADDDDD!!!" As I looked on horrified, he shot through the flaps and I heard male voices yelling on the other side. Dear God let him not have driven into the back end of a truck full of hanging sides of men. When I finally caught up to him, he was surrounded by the people who had stopped his scooter. He got off, shot me a look and said, "Next time you drive."

End of lame chat.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Monday, June 04, 2007


I no longer hate emoticons. After years of mocking people who used them I have finally come around. I hated them because they usurped words. I thought that if you were in a happy mood, you could begin an email with something like “I’m so happy today.” Or, if you were joking, you could say, “Just kidding.” An angry mode would elicit “Fuck you, asshole” instead of the dreaded frowny face. Remember? Words?

But that all changed a while back after an email and a phone call I had from two different people.


Suzy: That's weird but all today I've been praying for the same thing. BUT THERE IS NO GOD.

Friend #1: When and why did you stop believing in God?

Suzy: I was kidding.

Friend #1: Well... I wasn’t sure. Sometimes you can’t tell, you know?

I’ve known this person for twenty years. She knows I’m a comedian. She knows I’m the Queen of Sarcasm. And she didn’t know if I was kidding or not. That example may not have been enough to make me reach into a bag of emoticons and hand them out at Halloween but this phone call did.


Friend #2: If it wasn’t 10:00 a.m. and I wasn’t having a cocktail right now and talking to you, I’d kill myself.

Suzy: Rough night?

Friend #2: Rough week. Bad breakup, same asshole, second TIME.

Leave out the mixer; it’ll just cock-up the buzz.

Friend #2: You’re not going to judge me for drinking in the morning and wanting to kill myself over a guy?

Suzy: I’ve been there, done that, so no.

Friend #2: Do you think I’ll kill myself?

Suzy: No, you’ve got way too much invested in plastic surgery to do that.

Friend #2: Well two of my other friends didn’t see it that way. We were all on IM’s recently and I told them the same thing I told you. Drinking in the morning and going to kill myself and you know what they did? They each called 911, who sent paramedics, who then broke down my door because I was in the back of the house and didn’t hear them. They then TOOK me against my will to a hospital for a psych consult because if more than two people call 911 on your ass, you have to, by LAW, get hauled in or else the paramedics could lose their jobs later if it turns out you really did kill yourself or someone else.

Suzy: Now that you’re out I hope you’re considering killing your retard friends.

Friend #2: I was so pissed at them.

Suzy: Were the paramedics as cute as fireman?

Friend #2: As cute? No, no one is hotter than an LA fireman, except for an LA UPS guy.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Mailbag # 1

Anonymous snippets from emails I've received over the last 6 months:

Don’t tell anyone but I spend way too much energy on the Anna Nicole Smith case. It’s like a freak show meets a train wreck and I am powerless to look away.

My cousin is making me a party with a Mexican theme. For some reason she thinks I like Mexican food. I could take it or leave but didn't want to hurt her feelings. If I want Mexican I'll move to L.A.

PLEASE don't feel badly if you'd prefer not to receive my promotional emails! Just be really sweet when you respond to tell me.

I sat down with my husband and guess what he was watching on TV? A show on how to accessorize your WEEDWACKER, he even shushed me.

If you want to know how boring my life is, here is my favorite site to visit: - I am trying to solve the excruciating problem of excess lint in my washing machine. But seriously, these people are crazy for washing machines, especially the vintage ones. I've spent a few hours viewing the collections, while sipping Chardonnay. G thinks I’m crazy and I'm still mad at him for getting rid of my harvest gold Maytag that worked perfectly.

As for exes, I look for my ex-husband whenever I see the show Cops on TV.

Do you know how long I've waited to sleep with you? I've even started going to AA meetings again to bump into you.

I am laughing because I don't know why that is funny.

My friend & I followed Michael J. Fox and his wife around that neat stuffed animal store in the valley. We knew everything in their basket, then we left when they did.... and tried to follow them home - I must say he is good - he lost us within about 2 street turns.

do you go out with men and have relationships?

I am so glad I don’t have children! But I suppose this means I’ll be a prime candidate for some nursing home where the attendants will steal my jewelry.


I’m really upset--only you would understand.

Welcome to HP Total Care for Scanjet & Photosmart Products. My name is Frank. How may I assist you today?

Suzy Soro
My scanjet started printing out everything in lavender.

I am sorry to hear this. However, let me see how best I can help you. Could you please provide me a detailed description of the issue which would help me assist you better?

Suzy Soro
I click on the third button to the right, the scan to print button, and it prints, but it comes out in lavender. It didn't do this when I first got it so I'm not sure what happened.

Could you elaborate Lavender?

Suzy Soro
Lavender is a color.


Suzy Soro
A light purple color.

And what is the problem with the lavender?

Suzy Soro
It’s not black.


I logged off of HP Live Help. Frank can go fuck himself and the Filipino pony he rode in on.

End of a frank chat.