Saturday, August 30, 2008

Go Read This

I don't know who Traci is voting for. But I do know she's one of the smarter bloggers I read if only because she's a real John Stewart type comic, she tackles both sides of an issue. Me? Not so much. I think I've established that I'm the Queen of Black and White.

We've been emailing a lot about the current wave of sexism going on in politics and this is from one of her emails:

CNN is criticizing Palin for running for office while she has a Down Syndrome infant.

And this:

I was listening to Mort Kondrake on the radio tonight as we were driving to our gig and he said that Palin isn't qualified but Bobby Jindal (Gov of Louisiana) is and would have been a better choice. Of course, their experience is nearly identical.

Huffington polls show 56% of people think Hillary supporters will jump to the Republican ticket.

I think women everywhere should read this.

And weep.

For God's sakes, wake up out there.

Friday, August 29, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

What a week.

I didn't have to wait another 24 years for a woman to get on the Presidential ticket. THAT is progress in America. It's the happiest I've been since the primaries ended. Polls show voters think Gov. Palin is a better veep pick than Biden by a margin of 52% to 48%. Flubber is a better pick than Biden so the poll results are not surprising. This was a very shrewd move on McCain's part, appealing to all the women who supported Hillary and feel let down and cheated. And to announce it the day after Obama's speech? Can you say Stolen Thunder?

I want to be very clear that I will not be disrespected on my own blog. I will not be called names by anyone. And anonymous comments? Really? REALLY? After two years of having NO ANONYMOUS comments, they suddenly show up? Did you honestly think it was that hard to track you? And trying to hide your ISP? I have geeks who read me and have mad Super Snooper Skillz. Consider yourself embarrassed.

Politics is like gun control. You can NEVER change anyone's mind about those issues so why waste your time? On the two occasions my Dad, a lifelong Democrat, voted for Reagan so he could "keep all his money," none of us agreed with him but it was his prerogative to choose who he wanted. We're not people who have to win at any cost and be right all the time. And we never name-called as part of any argument although once I did tell one of my stepmothers to fuck off. I'm someone you really don't want to make angry.

So don't let the RSS feed button hit you on your way out.

On to something more interesting.

I've been animated! I first saw Bill's work on Traci Skene's blog and then he sent me one about a week ago but I've been busy and the gif link wouldn't load into Blogger so I finally just put it on my sidebar. I love the way my eyes flutter. It reminds me of Johnny Depp in Pirates when he has his eyeballs pasted on his eyelids. You know, only prettier. With less money. And no movie career.

And now on to the Popcorn Mafia podcast where I'm the guest movie reviewer this week. Ann and Grae are insane and we had a kickass time. I traded Ann my DVD of Hairspray for taking out my garbage and getting my mail. After she watches it I know she's going to come over and take my garbage out of the trash and bring it back to my apartment and wish she hadn't ever uttered the words, "I've never seen Hairspray."

We reviewed The Rocker and Death Race and we swear a lot so keep your pets out of the room. It airs this Sunday night but you can check their website all next week to listen to the podcast if you're busy Sunday.

And check Uproarious to see if you won a free CD! And to read the flip side of the male-female who-is-crazier debate. My team wins this one while the guys took last Wednesday.

End of chat.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Why Men And Women Hate Each Other

There are too many reasons to list so instead let me get to the important stuff.


I'm over at Uproarious today giving away 3 free CDs of men ragging on women. Just leave a comment and I'll pick 3 winners on Friday. My only regret is that there aren't any CDs of women ragging on men. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm the guest movie reviewer at Popcorn Mafia this week. Along with Grae Drake and Ann Abeyta (my annual movie top 10 list person) we're reviewing The Rocker and Death Race. Ann's real name is Gariana and I have no idea why she calls herself Ann. Probably to fuck with the gringos. And by gringos I mean me. The podcast is on Sunday and for those of you who want to hear how funny I am in real life, as opposed to on the page? You might be shit out of luck. And remember, comedy can't be learned, only stolen.

Details on the podcast times coming up as soon as I know them. No one tells me anything.

Hey Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada! Doing a gig there on October 9, flying in the night before and looking for random sex with Canucks in the area. Bring butter tarts.

I'll also be in Lima, Ohio December 5th and 6th, flying in the night before so if you live there, or near there, I'm sorry.

End of chat.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Was Right

And I never thought I'd say those words in my lifetime.

She once said that the interesting thing about Clinton v. Obama was that we were finally going to see who America hated more, women or blacks. She predicted that the U.S. would hate women more. She was right.

Change? This was the platform The Manorexic ran on and we once again have two men running on the Democratic ticket. Joseph Biden was chosen "because of his extensive knowledge of foreign affairs." Translation? Obama has NO knowledge of foreign affairs.

Should we support people based on gender? Or maybe color? I think the O.J. jury could give us an answer on that but they're all out looking for the real killer. We'd like to believe that we support candidates based on their qualifications but then you run into George W. Bush and instead it looks like he was supported by dummies everywhere. Twice.

The idea that I may die without ever having seen a female president is unbelievable to me. If I was in my 20's, I might have voted for Obama. That's because I would not have known that once I entered the work force and stayed in it over the long haul, I would encounter so many glass ceilings that my head would be permanently scabbed. I think that women who don't work for a living have no idea how much head-butting they would actually take if they had to work in a man's world for a lifetime.

The only job I ever had where my gender was not a consideration in advancement was waitressing. In standup I was told things to my face that would suck my soul right out through my eyeballs. "We had a woman here once; she didn't do well so now we don't hire them anymore." Elayne Boosler, when asked what the difference was between a comedian and a comedienne, replied "$10,000."

Today women earn 77 cents to a man's dollar. In 1984 it was 59 cents. That's 18 cents in 24 years or 1.3333333 cents each year.

Women at the top translates to more women in positions of power everywhere, just like it does for men. So when today's 30 year-old women are in their golden years and have seen up close and personal that there is a glass ceiling in place everywhere but at McDonald's, and even there I'm not sure, maybe they'll rethink their vote in the next primary. That is if another woman ever gets that far again. The last one, Geraldine Ferraro, got to the VP position in 1984. That's 2 women in 24 years. Or 0.0833333 each year.

I'm not alone amongst Democrats who are pissed off. So I'm not going to waste my vote. I'm going to make it count. I will be heard and vote for McCain.

End of chat.

Friday, August 22, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

Speaking of hating the Olympics, this is a Chinese hand-carved lunch box that my mother bought me a few years ago. They told her it was over 80 years old but because it's Chinese it's probably only 14. The lid and the base fit seamlessly for an octogan-shaped container. It's about a foot high and a foot across. The inside cover has characters written on it and the top boasts a stenciled gold man holding a samurai sword. The ancient Chinese art of placement, feng shui, is laid out on an octagon. The blueprints for all buildings in China and Hong Kong must be approved by feng shui experts so I'm sure the various sites of the Olympics were planned the same way.
I'm over at Uproarious today discussing the Bob Saget roast.

Susan and Jenn nominated me for this although I think it's backwards and should be Bloggers Whose Asses I'd Kick but no one asks my opinion. Forgive me for not passing it on but that requires thinking and every brain cell I have is being used to fix my hands and blog on three sites. But I thank you both.How did I get through 4 months of not walking, have zero pain, and end up like this?

The trigger point massage made my hands worse. My internist said I should drive to his office (I can't feel the steering wheel) because I might have fibromyalgia. I think you have to have a few what I like to call SYMPTOMS for that to be true. I'm been going to doctors since I was 13 because of my scoliosis and God's general hatred of my body. If I could impress upon you all how often they are wrong, you would be very, very upset. But they are.

So forgive me if I don't leave comments these days. And for those of you who have the letters that have to be typed in before I can comment? STOP IT. In 2 years of blogging, I've been spam bombed twice. I put in the letters verification for a week, the spamming stops and I take it away.

My friend Ken dropped off 2 little blue pills last Friday that were as close to heroin as I've been in a while. I'm using a heating and massage pad which works. I have my little statue of Ganesha that I bought in Mumbai next to my bed along with a statue of St. Rita, the Saint of Impossible Things. Both of them are currently on a break, apparently.

This is how desperate I am. Saints on the nightstand, right next to the condoms.

It's definitely coming from my lower back, which is clenched as tightly as a Black Panther's fist and would not make me a very bendy whore. Because the back is rigid, I sleep on my sides and when I wake up my shoulders are wrapped around my sleep mask. It's clearly a pinched nerve.

I want to be 4 years old and run crying to my mother but I don't have that kind of mother. I have a mother who buys me Chinese lunch pails to show her love. I've run crying to her in the past and she always assumed it's because of something I did wrong. Which is why I don't speak to her anymore.

I have to be very careful with knives and scissors because I can't gauge how tightly I'm holding them. On Saturday a pair of kitchen shears dropped straight down on one of my toes. I didn't even realize I'd dropped it. There was blood.

Plucking my eyebrows is an exercise in terror.

End of chat.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dead Guy Standing

Yes, that is a dead guy standing in the left corner. He always told his mother that when he died he wanted to be at his own wake, standing up and smiling. He was recently found under a bridge at the age of 24, dead. So his really strange mother carried out his wishes.

This did not creep me out. Instead I was FIXATED on the picture hanging between him and his mother. WHO HANGS A PICTURE AT THE VERY EDGE OF A WALL? Seriously, I was so annoyed by that you have no idea. Probably because of my other job.

If a relative of yours wanted this send-off, would you do it?

End of chat. Heh.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Who's A Dirty Girl?

That's the question I'm asking over at Uproarious today.

There are only reruns on TV and please PLEASE PLEASE make the Olympics stop.

As fascinating as the third heat of the women's 200 meter rifle shoot around the swimming pool wearing overalls is, I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS BORED SINCE. EVER.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Monday, August 18, 2008

Lunch With A Soon To Be Prison Bitch

Shelley Malil is being held on a $10 million dollar bond because they think he's a flight risk. He pleaded not guilty to leaving Sherman Oaks and making his way south to San Marcos, where he found his ex-gf dining with another man and then picked up a knife and stabbed her 20 times. Her children, ages 2 and 4, were asleep at the time.

The actor from The 40 Year Old Virgin was best friends with my former best friend. My ex-bff talked about Shelley Malil a lot. They met at an audition and became fast friends, which was weird to me since my friend was gay and Shelley was straight. There aren't a lot of het males who hang with gay men, so I thought Shelley must have been a pretty cool guy.

My ex-bff was also friends with Shelley's wife Suvarna, a beautiful Indian woman. They had an adorable little girl and then a few years later Shelley told his wife he had never been in love with her. That Indian women weren't his type. He told her he preferred blondes with big breasts. Why don't people just shut the fuck up when they leave?

So they divorced.

About a year after their divorce I met Suvarna at her brother's wedding and she was not only gorgeous but had a terrific personality. Smart, funny and warm. As enlightened as I thought Shelley might have been, I thought he was also crazy to have dumped her. Suvarna eventually met and married an Australian and moved there. At the time Shelley was extremely upset by this since his daughter was going to be so far away from him. But he was not murderous.

One day my ex-bff decided that Shelley and I should finally meet. So we arranged a lunch and a movie date. This happened before I went to India, which was in 2006, so I wasn't familiar with the customs of the Indian male. We started to eat and I thought Shelley was very nice.

I said something. I don't remember what exactly, but it was in response to whatever topic we were discussing. I must have gotten about 15 words out when Shelley turned to my ex-bff and started talking. About something else entirely. At first I was taken aback but thought ok, let him speak. Maybe it's important. Like he has that thing that animals have and he knows an earthquake is coming and is just sounding the alarm. Or maybe my friend's head has just fallen to the ground while I was putting pepper on my pasta and Shelley wanted to point that out to me.

The conversation continued, I made a comment and about 5 words in Shelley did it again. Cut me off, talked over me, pretended I didn't exist.

In the real world I would have walked away from a guy like that. Just left. But this was one of the best friends of my best friend so I didn't say anything.

"So ex-bff, do you like cars?" Shelley asked my friend.
"I guess."
"Do you know anything about cars?"

The only thing ex-bff knew about cars was always get one with a Bose stereo.

"I know a little about cars." I ventured.
"How come you don't know anything about cars?" Shelley continued to my ex-bff. X stared into space secretly hoping the conversation would turn to Cher and her extensions.

"I know about cars." I said a little louder.
"Didn't you have a cool car growing up?" Shelley asked my friend.

Yeah, a Barbie Dream Car, driven by G.I Joe.

"I DROVE A FORMULA ONE CAR." I lied. Didn't matter; Shelley had dismissed me entirely. He would rather talk cars with RuPaul than me.

We walked across the street to the movie and Shelley pointed out the Lamborghini Countach that sat three spots down from his car. He turned to my ex-bff and pointed out the dual overhead cam V-12.

"It's a pretty color." X said.
"Fucking look at this baby."

I looked under the chassis, exbff checked the side mirror to see if his forehead was shiny.

"X, check out the interior."
"Huh-uh." X said and looked at his watch.
"That's Italian lamb in there." I said to Shelley.
"Shell, we're going to be late for the movie," X said.

Shelley never spoke one word to me the rest of the day. At the time I just thought he was an asshole. Then I went to India and realized that women are very much second class citizens in their culture. They're available to cook and clean unless they're from the upper castes and then they can hire other women to do that. Men must be deferred to at all times. No matter what caste women are in.

I yelled at my Indian doctors one day for ignoring a request of mine and said "I'm an American woman, you can't treat me the way you treat these Indian women; I won't allow it." And they never did it again.

I picture the woman that Shelley stabbed dumping him. I see him getting enraged. I imagine her calming him down and telling him they could still see each other, for instance on picnics, like the one they went on the weekend before he tried to kill her.

I picture her getting on with her life with enormous relief.

I picture her bleeding with the lower part of her face ripped off by a knife blade.

I picture him begging his cellmate not to fuck him.

I've worked hard my entire life to be in show business. No other industry comes close to how difficult and soul draining it is. The insults you suffer, the praise you hope is true, the money you spend on 8x10's and coaching and gasoline. When I think how many stupid jobs I took just to get the credit, the money or the experience. And then finally a big gig, one that puts you on the map. And to throw it all away because a man dumped me? No way.
End of chat.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sleeping With Ward Cleaver

Because I love the Debs I'm having another shoe contest for Jenny Gardiner, one of the 2008 Debs. Just yesterday chose Sleeping with Ward Cleaver as their book pick this week.

This is a very funny look at what happens in a marriage when Your Husband turns into Your Father and suddenly an old boyfriend doesn't look so bad.Same rules as always, names in a bowl, contest open until Midnight Thursday and winner announced on Friday. Then Jenny sends you an autographed copy and we all go to heaven in a little row boat. If you don't know that song, you're too young to read this blog.

Guess what era this shoe display is from:

A. The 1950's

B. The 1960's

C. The 1970's

Friday, August 08, 2008

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Richard Jeni winners posted over at Uproarious.

Seriously, I'm having EXTREME finger tingling issues that have, once again, spread to my entire body and scared the CRAP out of me. I know it's stress but F.U.C.K.

So I'm cheating today and posting this ridicuous scam email I got. I've left in their email address and phone number in case one of you needs a job.

Please read my proposal very well and see that we want a NANNY EXPERIENCED OR NOT, WE JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO IS GOD FEARING AND LOVING NATURALY A GOOD CHRISTAIN.I am Mr. Glenn Mitch, and my wife s name is Lucy, we just relocated from American to UK, with our two children a girl and a boy, namely EDITH AND TOM. Edith is 3 years and 6 months, while our son Tom is just 14 months.

If you are ready to work with us, just get back to me so I will go straight to the UK immigrations and tell them the good news, they asked me to get back to them as soon as I find a nanny so they will direct me to a senior immigration officer who will instruct and guide the nanny in getting a two year working visa, without denials, which is the visa needed for you to work with us.

We wish to pay $6,500 every month, and $60 allowance every week. Between every three months you will be given two weeks break, and if it happens that we want to travel to other countries for holiday or visit, you will be going with us. After we are sure that you are coming, your flight ticket will be taken care of by us and also three months salary will be made upfront, but mind you that’s when the said immigration officer gives a go ahead.

Plan & undertake activities on a one on one basis & with children. Develop speech, reading, numbers, and letters, and colors, social & practical skills.
Prepare their meals and ensure them and enforce certain level of table mannerism. Keep child's/children's room clean & tidy.
Care for & stimulate the child both mentally & physically, to ensure their intellectual, physical & social development.
Find out about activities in the local area. Ensure that the child/children get regular fresh air & exercise.

We have a Nanny but she is getting married soon, hence would be moving with her Husband. Should you accept to take up the position with us, you can start as soon as possible. According to the Government here, since we are direct employers they will not like us to waste our time and money and at the end of the day, visa will be denied, then we will start complaining, so that’s why we need to process your visa from their high commission here directly, with this, their is noting like denial.


-- Mr. and Mrs. Glenn Mitch.
Mr & Mrs Glenn Mitch Email: Phone: +447045751765

Thursday, August 07, 2008

The Night Sgt. Pepper Died

On Project Runway last night Tim Make-It-Work Gunn told a 23 year old contestant his design was a little too Sgt. Pepper and the kid was all "Who? Wha?"

A part of my soul died thinking the Beatles were no longer in the zeitgeist of references. If you have children and you're not turning them on to the Fab Four, just put down your Jonas Brothers CD and kick yourself in the ass. With a machete.


End of chat.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Richard Jeni Giveaway!

Uproarious is giving away three CD's of brillant comedian Richard Jeni's Greatest Hits and all you have to do to get one is leave a comment over there. They don't make you work for it like I do.

I know; I'm a bitch but that's why you love me.

Names will be chosen out of one of my glorious hats and announced on Friday. Go. Now.

You can take your cocktail with you.

End of chat.

Monday, August 04, 2008

The Monitor And The Contest

My monitor had a nervous breakdown on Friday and a new one is MAYBE coming tomorrow or Wednesday.

So I may run the Uproarious contest on Wednesday instead of tomorrow.

I have a new blog design and have Goofy Girl to thank for that. Her widget is at the bottom of my sidebar and her prices are so low that to quote Crazy Eddie SHE'S PRACTICALLY GIVING IT AWAY! If you're not from the New York area you won't know what that means but oh well.

Also, the kick ass logo is by Jill Kerwin, my business partner in The Room Remakers. If you want to create something unique for your blog, these are the two women you want to call.

I went to the doctor today and he said I could drive. I went in with one crutch and some Nike's and he said I was doing well and then pointed out how you couldn't even see my scars. But he wouldn't give me any Xanax to get rid of the tingling in my hands so I hate him.

I'm typing this over at McLoserstene's place. She's passed out on the couch and I'm going to go through her purse in a minute because friends don't let other friends go out partying with too much cash.

End of chat.

Friday, August 01, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

I went outside for the first time yesterday and walked all the way to the corner, where I promptly got into a fight with the guy who works at the convenience store.

BECAUSE MEN CAN NEVER BE TOLD WHAT TO DO BY A WOMAN. We have to listen to them bleat day in and day out about the "right" way to do things and God forbid one of us points out an alternate way of doing it and it's Meltdown On Man Mountain.

The guy who works at the store also owns the Postal Exchange two doors down. I called the Exchange before I left and got this message:

"We're not here." Very helpful. It should have just said Guess When We Open?

I walked there, which normally takes 5 minutes but instead took 15 because of the crutches and the boot. It was closed. I went into the bodega and found him working and asked him when he was going to open the other place and he said, "About an hour." About and Kinda are in the dictionary under the word Vague. So I said, "You should put the operating hours on the outgoing machine so people will know when you're open."

UH OH. Was that a head explosion I just heard?

"It's posted on the door."

That made me laugh because they were not posted before and I went to this strip mall EVERY DAY. Maybe someone complained? A man, perhaps?

"Mike, I haven't left my house in four months, this is my first time out. Surely you haven't seen me since I'm in here every day? Your machine just said 'We're not here.'"
"Uh YEAH, we're not there. We're obviously CLOSED."

I walked away to go buy Diet Pepsis (hi Merecat!) and then said, "There's no need to be nasty." Then instead of shopping I left. I've been going to this store for almost 14 years.

I went to the donut shop a few doors down and one of the regulars, a documentary filmmaker named Tom, offered to take in my mail and post it for me when the store opened. I told Tom what happened and how there was nothing on the machine that would indicate when they open or close and he said, "Why doesn't he just mention the times on the outgoing message?" Great fucking idea!

I hope when he went in to mail my things that he told Mike that. A guy will take advice from another guy, but not from a woman. In their heads they think we're saying, "You're a retard; you're incompetent." In our heads we're helping them. Because guys? Sometimes you don't know everything.

I ran into my friend Carson on the way back and told her what happened and she shrugged, "Latino males, whaddya gonna do?" I'll tell you what I'd LIKE to do.

Go to Uproarious today. I'm talking about joke thief Dane Cook and announcing a contest to give away THREE free CDs next week. Maybe I'll throw in a pair of bloodied Latino balls with your order.

End of chat.