Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Second Pair Of Shoes Giveaway!

Free to a good home!

I have an identical pair of Westies in camel with a wooden heel, 8M. I think I may have worn them twice, probably once, as the sole is lightly scuffed but the rest of the shoe is pristine. The instep of the left one appears dirty but it's not. It looks that way because I suck at taking color pictures.

Same deal as before. Leave a comment and MENTION you want the shoes. The contest is open until 6 pm Thursday.

Leave your email in the comments if you don't know how to enable it in your blog platform. If there's no email you can't be entered as I'm not going to chase you down on your blog. I'm lazy, remember?

Check back on Thursday after 6 for the winner. You have one week to claim your prize.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

L.A. Sign Of The Times #59

And you thought you had trouble throwing things out? I found this Christmas tree yesterday over in Beachwood Canyon.

And for those of you playing along with the home game, it's June.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

And The Winner Of The First Wednesday Shoe Giveaway Is

You read that title right. The first winner. I've decided to give away shoes for the next three Wednesdays. I'm not going to wear them and I'm tired of seeing them languish in the closet eating me out of house and home.

Which p.s. is one of the most ridiculous sayings in the English language. Aren't house and home the same thing? Or how about Niecy Nash saying "Hand over foot" on Clean House when the expression is "Hand over fist?" Or how about the ridiculous Butt Naked instead of the actual phrase, Buck Naked? I know, I know, shut up and deal.

And yes, I watch Clean House. Now you shut up and deal.

There were a total of 16 entries, out of 27 comments total, for the black and white Westies.

I listed them in the order in which they were left. Then I set up a randomizer and the lucky winner is number 9, Amberdawn! (Send me your snail mail; my email is in my profile. Also? I really want to call you Deltadawn and dear God in heaven I hope you're old enough to get that reference)

But there are 3 more Wednesdays of free shoes during which time the shipping and handling will probably wipe me out but don't worry your pretty little heads about that since I AM RICH. (Affirmation of the day)

And if you win a pair, you cannot enter again because I'm a big fat meanie.

I've always believed that the more you give, the better you feel. So if you're in a position to give, please do. Take those shoes and turn them into a thousand pairs of shoes. Start a school in Africa to teach deserving shoes that can't afford a decent education. Send those shoes to BP with a note: Kick your own fucking asses, morons.

Your friend,

Oprah Winfrey

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

A Shoe Giveaway! UPDATED

I forgot to make a cutoff time/date for the shoes. My body's up but my brain has remained in bed. ANYWAY, I'll cut it off at 6pm Thursday June 24th.

Right before my ankle surgery I bought these shoes. I didn't know I needed the surgery or I wouldn't have bought them. They're black and white with a silver circle on the thicker strap.

They're made by Westies, size 8M and I have no idea why the picture below looks so weird.
They have a 4 inch heel and as you can see, they've never been worn. Thanks ankle!

I'm giving them away. If you want them, leave me a comment telling me you want them. If you leave a comment that doesn't mention that you WANT the shoes I will assume you don't want them.

I will have one of those randomizer things pick the winner (assuming there's more than 2 requests) but it's only fair to tell you I have no idea how that randomizer works or where to get one or why I even bother to get up in the morning.

Already this giveaway is more complicated than I planned. You have one week to claim your prize!

End of chat.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

My Summer Reading List. Only Not Really.

I grew up in a house that had a library and parents who said that if you didn't read you were doomed to a life of idiocy and shame. They also said that I shouldn't hang out with boys because boys were evil and only wanted one thing from a girl.

Shows you how much they knew.

I often try to disguise my books as something else. This tall case houses my microphone collection. I'm a standup comic, maybe you were expecting porcelain figurines instead? But those microphones are really just there to hide my 109 books about comedy.

Here I've used an assortment of vintage cars to camouflage the books. But I only started buying the cars to hide the books. Yes, I know I have a problem.

I stash my books over, under and in everything.

I pretend I need books in the kitchen:

As many books as I have, I'm still amazed at some of my purchases. For example, this one: But then I came to this chapter and said, "Oh yeah, now I remember."

This one's a no-brainer:
Now I can recognize all the pills I pick up on the floors of my friends' homes. And from their medicine cabinets. And sometimes from going through their purses. Which reminds me, please stop taking all the pills in your prescription. You're making it that much harder on me. When someone writes a book about you, you really do have to buy it:

The 3 easy steps to living longer could be eating ice cream, robbing banks and laying on the couch only I'll never know because I've never even opened this one:

If you do want a good summer read pick up If You Knew Suzy by Wall Street Journalist Katherine Rosman. It's unputdownable which, if it's not a real word, should be.

Well, I'm off to take 25% off Dad's gift. Thanks for noticing he died 10 years ago, Internet.

And also? 76% off Summer domain sales!!

And 40% off the new Stephenie Meyer book. Well, maybe I won't do that last one.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

L.A. Sign of the Times #58

I took this picture back in 2008. Possibly 2007. I just recently figured out how to get it out of my cell phone and onto my computer.

Obviously I don't have an iPhone. Or any kind of smartphone. I'd say it was a dumbphone but was it really the phone's fault that I couldn't send a picture to myself?

I think not.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Well This Is Embarrassing

Remember when I posted those pictures of my jewelry drawers? Sitting right above those drawers was this, my pearl collection from my many productive years of deep sea diving.

This tableau sits above those drawers and I forgot to take a picture of it because I forgot about them.

This reminds me of the months after my ankle surgery back in 2008. I didn't put on underwear because it wouldn't go over my huge cast. So I went commando for months. Then when I finally did go back to wearing thongs I forgot I had one on and peed through it.

And for those who are curious, I did not find the Titanic in any of my dives.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Trust me; I know.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Have No Reason To Buy More Jewelry


Seriously, ever.

I'm not kidding. No reason.

At all. None.

Maybe just these two rings.

I need help.

Friday, June 11, 2010

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Instead of writing I've been adding widgets to my sidebar. I've added the Favorites Twitter Widget. Scroll down the side of the widget and see the jokes I've put on Twitter and the jokes of the people I've RT'd. (re-tweeted) I get to write jokes all day and not blog? I WIN.

Remember when I hated Twitter? Now I think Twitter is Jesus.

I've also been lured into Blog Frog. That's further down on my sidebar. It keeps track of the lying liars who say they don't have time to read me by putting their sorry-ass blog name and avatar on the widget.

I've lightened the load on my blog roll. I'm tired of contributing to other people's blog stats without having them contribute to mine. If you don't know about blog stats you're lucky. But I'm competitive and know about them so if you're off my sidebar it's because I'm off yours. Take THAT, Alexa!

Ever since Gary Coleman fell and then died from the brain hemorrhage resulting from that fall I keep remembering how lucky I am.

After my ankle surgery I fell three times on concrete and three times on my carpeted living room floor. My last fall, face down on a sidewalk, was violent. It's truly a miracle I didn't shatter my jaw, break my nose.

In the back of my mind I always wondered whether any of those falls had started a slow bleed that would only surface 5 minutes before I accepted my Oscar. I obsessed about that possible slow bleed all the time. Especially before I fell asleep because I can't find enough ways to keep the insomnia going. Because of that fall I had to have an MRI and ... there was nothing wrong with my brain.

Faulty equipment!

I've always considered myself lucky. I don't have the career of my dreams, which is the only thing I ever really wanted in life, but still, I think I'm very lucky. I say it often. Especially after Gary Coleman died.

Another one of my mantras is *People always give me things for free.* I don't remember when it started but I'm guessing after someone gave me something for free? So I said it then and say it now and it always works. Unless I go shopping and then...no.

When I first moved to L.A. I rented a fully loaded Chrysler that Enterprise foisted on me for about a dollar a day. Having never driven around Los Angeles I had no idea what a nightmare the parking was. I had just discovered Louise Hay and the magic of affirmations so I repeated *I Always Find Parking* over and over as I navigated the city. I would look at the winding, teeny streets with bumper to bumper parking and repeat the mantra and amazingly, I always found parking.

I eventually went back to NY but years later moved back to Los Angeles. I had parking on my mind, and not the kind where you get lucky up on Mulholland smoking a joint and kissing a stranger.

I was fully engrossed in the affirmation movement by then so on the plane I muttered I always find parking so many times that the man next to me overheard and said, "Dear God, are you in charge of parking the plane?"

So this week's coveted Bite Me award goes to the Queen of The Widget Makers. Me.

Don't groan, I haven't won it since the beginning of April.

End of chat.

Friday, June 04, 2010

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Remember that metal lizard behind the birdcage in my building lobby? Well sometimes, just when you think things can't get worse? MAGIC HAPPENS AND IT DOES.

It took steroids. And MOVED! The manager, or as I refer to her, Frogs and Lizards, (because she decorates with reptiles and amphibians) haz her mad metal skilz on.

Lindy just had a birthday. No one in our family has ever made a big deal about birthdays.

"Yes, you were born. And now I have to hear about it once a year for the rest of your life? Because you were so unique that you were BORN?"

However, people on Twitter make a big deal about their birthday.

"My birthday is in 3 days!"

"2 days until my birthday!!!!"

"Today's my birthday!! I'm going to get my drink on!!!!"

"We're at (place you've never heard of in a city you'd never move to) and we'fe geting our drunk goin!!!"

"Oh my god I'm sooo drunkingly!!!!!!"

"I canrt spel an uno y? BECAUS IM DRUNK AN ITS NY NIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!"

This is a picture from my sister's birthday. She did not get her drink on, until later, but which is more sad? That Lindy was boarding dogs on that day or that I was taking a picture of it?

So for all the freaks who have the importance of their birthday confused with the signing of the Declaration of Independence I have this to say:

The Declaration of Independence was signed, wasn't it? Maybe I'm thinking of the Bill of Rights.

I'm pretty sure I didn't do that well in American History. Except for the part about Pocahontas when they discussed what she was wearing. Where do you think bikers got fringe from?

THAT'S RIGHT, Pocafuckinghontas.

End of chat.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Sometimes You Get To Meet A Saint

June's teeshirt model is one of the nicest people I've met through my blog. To qualify for a month's advertising, you have to send me a picture of you with my tee. Don't worry what it looks like, or what you look like. I've loved them all. Some of you, like this person, give a clue to their identity in their picture. Clever.

The sooner you send me your picture the earlier in the year you appear. Unlike my blog, this sidebar tee shirt thing has been popular. I'm booked through October.