My Favorite Tweets Of 2011

People always ask me how I come up with a list of my favorite tweets each year. I pick the ones I wish I'd written.

@Cheeseboy22
I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my kids. I should really get them a twitter account.

@badbanana
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

@TrainedHedonist
If I ever dated a blind girl, I'd have to stop myself from touching her boob and yelling "Hey asshole, she's blind!"

@NickadooLA
I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@BSeanRoss
Blonde Zooey Deschanel in "Elf," or brunette in "New Girl," hard to figure out which one I'd least like to bang; probably Whitney Cummings.

@itsa_talia
Wine bottles should have twist off tops because it's hard to stop crying long enough to get the cork out.

@buck4itt
Starbucks was out of those little cardboard sleeves but my barista provided great customer service by letting me use his philosophy degree.

@MarinkaNYC
Casey Anthony not guilty, changes name to Susan B.

@JoeMande
Happy birthday to Scott Caan who is 5'5'' today.

@YUCKYBOT
"WE'RE PREGNANT!" --Guy who doesn't understand anatomy

@MrFornicator
You know what would be really cool? If we charged broke people for their own money. ~Prepaid Credit Card inventor

@AlbertBrooks
I hate the treadmill. I hate the stationary bike. I hate running in the street. Can't I stay in shape just by hating?

@preawsaurus
it's a sad state of the world when you can't let your 3yo out for a beer run without fearing he'll be kidnapped.

@Josh_Britain
I spend most of my weekends sitting outside the Macy's fitting room holding a purse so strangers think I have a girlfriend.

@MinutesofMayhem
A study's found that silver's no longer America's favourite car colour. Also, black's no longer America's favourite President colour.

@HeyitsLori
Writing a check at the grocery store is an excellent way of letting people know you have a plastic rain hat in your purse.

@JimGaffigan
I have more pictures of my kids than my Dad even looked at me.

@sarkastickunt
He said I should've been able to finish the laundry since I don't do anything all day and THAT is why I killed him officer.

@DoucheMcBaggus
Men have no shame, therefore, it's just another walk.

@kellyoxford
Taking notes in a small notebook when someone asked in shock “What are you doing?” 2011: When handwriting became suspicious.

@moooooog35
You know you're an asshole when you get sexted with "your dirty" and you reply, "you're."

@debontherocks
My mom is complaining no one can send me emails because I send them to "Snoops." Yes, mom, "Snoops" and I are why we can't have nice frauds.

@JohnFugelsang
One good thing about Facebook is how it will ultimately kill the entire high school reunion industry.

@AdInsanitum
Amazing that I can fit three laptops in the same space a social life used to take up!

@jennyandteets
My husband's ex girlfriend is sitting in her living room watching tv. Don't ask me how I got this information.

@BorowitzReport
If cavemen had Twitter we would still not have fire.

I Don't Know Where She Got This But You Can Contact Her And Ask Her

One of my twitter followers, a mom named Rachael, has been sending me New York Times bestsellers for the last few months. I've been incredibly lucky to have a friend like her because based on my past "issues", buying bestsellers is out of the question. And I haven't resorted to stealing yet but next year is a new year! Watch out Barnes and Noble!

The scan of this card she sent along with the latest book, The Jacqueline Kennedy interviews with Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. PLUS ALL THE AUDIO TAPES, doesn't even do it justice because the words Blog are all in bright silver and the I'm More Interesting On My is in black and the Blog is red, but a bolder red than my HP scanner could pick up. I guess HP doesn't have enough money to color correct. Poor things.

Rachael holds regular pity parties on her blog but they're not like my pity parties. Or probably yours.

If you want to know where she got this card go to Rachael's blog and ask her! And follow her on Twitter at @happyrachael.

I was a reluctant Twitter convert but have now been on it for TWO YEARS. (thanks to this person) I can't say enough about how it's changed my life. Much more than blogging.

And now I'm on Google+, Facebook, LinkedIn, Tumblr and favstar.fm.

The nightmare never ends.

My Favorite Funniest Tweets Of 2010

Many of these went right into my act. And? It's a lot easier to pick jokes from others than to choose your own.



**Never brag that you can get ready in 2 minutes. Someone will see you later and say, What happened, you look like you got ready in 2 minutes.



**MTV has a new reality show called "I Used To Be Fat." I'm going to pitch them my reality show, "I Used To Watch MTV."



**Cops celebrating Christmas at a Mexican restaurant = Police Navidad.



**Today I got up on the wrong side of the floor.



**I've always lied about my age. Even when I was 2 I said I hadn't been born yet.



**My girlfriend lied to me and said she and her new boyfriend hadn't had sex yet. Please, I was driving the car.



**Costco changed their layout. What used to take me an hour to find I'm now just going to learn to live without.



**I'd like to hear the dinner table talk at Chris Martin's house: "Gwyneth, I'm the fucking singer."



**I hate it when you walk into those Spanish language classes and the teacher says Hola! Like we're all supposed to know what that means.



**I was talking to a guy at a bar and used the word germane and he said, “I don’t think the Germans pronounce the e.



**Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.



**I moved far away from my parents because they're annoying. When I meet the person who invented the telephone I will kill them.



**Never keep your flashlight and your vibrator in the same drawer because eventually? One night you're going to be very disappointed.



**I know it's football season but the only thing I know about sports is that OJ was guilty.



**The greatest thing about an earthquake warning is that there's really no reason to dust.



**This month is National Month Awareness Month.



**People think California never suffers from weather but today we're under a DQ Blizzard warning.



**I'm going to lie down and watch movies all day. Not sure the people at the Multiplex are going to be thrilled about that.



**My sister is so addicted to exercise she joined a 12 step program. I don't think it's working because now she's up to 24 steps.



**By the time I get back to a size 4 all the clothes in my closet will be vintage.

My Favorite 10 Funniest Tweets Of 2010 That Are Not Mine

It's more like 17 tweets but a Top 17 List doesn't have the same ring to it. These were the tweets that made me laugh last year. As always, your mileage may vary.



@thezeroboss I hate being ordered around. And yet, I became a parent.



@Carabee I think Justin Bieber's hair is on backwards.



@johnfugelsang As of now BP has failed so many times NBC wants to offer them the 11:30pm slot.



@bortflancrest Is it normal for your right testicle to be larger than your other two?



@DanaJGould I got mugged by a toddler. I was walking down an alley when someone grabbed me by the knee and said, "Don't scweam."



@SamGrittner My wedding will be open casket.



@kellyoxford Justin Bieber just compared himself to Kurt Cobain. When Kurt Cobain finds out, he's totally going to kill himself.



@Neilochka If the Jews really ran CNN, it wouldn't be such a boring channel.



@AnnaLefler: I want to seize the day. I really do. If only the day would come over here by the recliner where I could reach it.



@RobSprance: A Hyundai should not cost $399 a month unless it comes with a BMW.



@CleverTitleTK It's starting to depress me how far I have to scroll back to find my birth year in drop down menus.



@lehmannchris It just seems cruel for California to vote Jerry Brown back in as governor without also legalizing pot.



@AdInsanitum Christian bands: If you didn't suck, you'd be known as "bands".



@badbanana If Santa knows who's being bad, maybe he could have given us a heads-up during the early planning stages of the Holocaust.



@zeldman Overheard: "I didn't mind the pat-down, but then he whispered 'Say my name.'"



@MarinkaNYC I don't want to say that my husband takes a long time to cook dinner, but if he were preparing The Last Supper, Jesus would still be alive.



@Joan_Rivers Jane Fonda sent me a copy of her new exercise DVD. It’s a workout for old people—for cardio you dig your own grave.

Nothing Comes Between Me And My Sister

Sisters. Wearing my tee shirt!


You'll recognize this sister because she just returned to the United States after being an Expat. This sister has always been Stateside. When Stateside got a shirt I threw in an extra one for Expat since they were going to meet up and Stateside was going to rub it in that she had a shirt and Expat didn't.

Because I have a sister I know how much fun it is to torture one.

*****

I've been threatening to write a post about Twitter but then realized there are Twitter Tutorials online if you use this new thing called Google.

And then I found this post by blogger and twitter user Molly Campbell and she sums up perfectly why those of us who use Twitter are so addicted to it.

Since I spend less time posting (FOUR YEARS OF BLOGGING, PEOPLE. FOUR YEARS) I've put some Twitter widgets on my sidebar so in case you drop by without calling first you'll have something to do while I finish putting on my makeup.

Up top is a Favorites widget. I put all the jokes I write, and sometimes what others write, but mainly me because I am a raging narcissist, and these change every week. Depending on how funny I am. And how funny others are, but mainly me because I am still, at the end of this paragraph, a raging narcissist.

At the bottom I've added a Twitpic widget. That's the platform that allows you to post your pictures to Twitter. Click on a picture and it will take you to my photos and you can flip through them.

So even when I'm not here? I'm here.

And in short doses! Win win!

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Remember that metal lizard behind the birdcage in my building lobby? Well sometimes, just when you think things can't get worse? MAGIC HAPPENS AND IT DOES.

It took steroids. And MOVED! The manager, or as I refer to her, Frogs and Lizards, (because she decorates with reptiles and amphibians) haz her mad metal skilz on.

Lindy just had a birthday. No one in our family has ever made a big deal about birthdays.

"Yes, you were born. And now I have to hear about it once a year for the rest of your life? Because you were so unique that you were BORN?"

However, people on Twitter make a big deal about their birthday.

"My birthday is in 3 days!"

"2 days until my birthday!!!!"

"Today's my birthday!! I'm going to get my drink on!!!!"

"We're at (place you've never heard of in a city you'd never move to) and we'fe geting our drunk goin!!!"

"Oh my god I'm sooo drunkingly!!!!!!"

"I canrt spel an uno y? BECAUS IM DRUNK AN ITS NY NIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!"

This is a picture from my sister's birthday. She did not get her drink on, until later, but which is more sad? That Lindy was boarding dogs on that day or that I was taking a picture of it?

So for all the freaks who have the importance of their birthday confused with the signing of the Declaration of Independence I have this to say:

The Declaration of Independence was signed, wasn't it? Maybe I'm thinking of the Bill of Rights.

I'm pretty sure I didn't do that well in American History. Except for the part about Pocahontas when they discussed what she was wearing. Where do you think bikers got fringe from?

THAT'S RIGHT, Pocafuckinghontas.

End of chat.

The Incredibly Uncool Me

According to a study in the Psychological Science journal, darkness, even from a pair of sunglasses, caused individuals to feel more anonymous in their decisions. Therefore, these individuals were more inclined to lie, cheat and partake in self-centered behaviors.

Welcome to Hollywood!

These days I'm lost to Twitter and have to apologize to Kimberley Schmahl, a reader from my early years of blogging. Of course she was on Twitter since 1967 and I said I would never EVER get on board that train. Through the magic nightmare that is Google I found this tweet she and a guy exchanged about me a few years ago.

GUY: Is Suzy Soro on Twitter?
KS: No, she's too cool for Twitter.
GUY: I'm afraid of her.

All conversations about me end with those 4 words.

Twitter has followers just like Blogging and the most aggravating part is that I have almost as many followers there as I have here. But in 4 and a half MONTHS instead of a year? two years? century? it took me to get them on my blog.

Bonus? You can get some wackos to follow you: One of Heidi's followers was trashing her plastic surgery and we all know HOW WRONG THAT IS so I jumped in to defend her (shut UP) and the next thing you know, Heidi started to follow me. Two days later Spencer started to follow me. Unlike other sane people, I'm following them back.

Another bonus? You can track your favorite comedians, singers, authors, artists and write them, hoping they'll fill the void that is your life by pretending that you know them. Conan O'Brien just joined and as much as I think he was a big baby for walking away from his job, his tweets are hilarious.

If anyone's curious what I look like with a beard, it's this ?:^(0) Coincidentally, that's also my ATM pin number.

This morning I watched Remington Steele while eating Sugar Smacks out of a salad bowl. I was naked.

Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.

And yes, I'm following him and no, he has no idea who I am. But if he did he would probably be afraid of me too.

End of chat.

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Twitter is the new Husband.

140 characters. No Capcha. The end.

I was not the only one giving a cursory look-see to blog posts that were 25 pages long with no pictures. Get a camera, get a scanner! Download from the Internet, only throw a reader a picture bone.

I was not the only one tired of people with 50 Google followers posting 9 times a week. I know a lot of people pledge to post EVERY DAY. 365 posts. I read 200 blogs a day. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? Did I kill your cat or something?

Posting 365 days is not a goal. Hiding your kids' squeaky toys so they'll never find them again is a goal. Eating an entire bag of chips in under 7 minutes is a goal.

You will never read a tweet that says "Sorry I haven't tweeted in a while; I'm a bad twitterer."

No silly, I didn't even know you were missing. Were you in Afghanistan fighting the Taliban? No. You were at your Aunt Mary's baking a thousand cookies made from play dough and twigs. THANK GOD YOU CAME BACK FROM THAT HORROR.

I know what you're thinking, 3 days on Twitter and I'm a bitter hag. You're right; nothing has changed.

And also, no pictures today. That's how I'm punishing you.

End of chat.