Sunday, January 09, 2011

My Favorite Funniest Tweets Of 2010

Many of these went right into my act. And? It's a lot easier to pick jokes from others than to choose your own.

**Never brag that you can get ready in 2 minutes. Someone will see you later and say, What happened, you look like you got ready in 2 minutes.

**MTV has a new reality show called "I Used To Be Fat." I'm going to pitch them my reality show, "I Used To Watch MTV."

**Cops celebrating Christmas at a Mexican restaurant = Police Navidad.

**Today I got up on the wrong side of the floor.

**I've always lied about my age. Even when I was 2 I said I hadn't been born yet.

**My girlfriend lied to me and said she and her new boyfriend hadn't had sex yet. Please, I was driving the car.

**Costco changed their layout. What used to take me an hour to find I'm now just going to learn to live without.

**I'd like to hear the dinner table talk at Chris Martin's house: "Gwyneth, I'm the fucking singer."

**I hate it when you walk into those Spanish language classes and the teacher says Hola! Like we're all supposed to know what that means.

**I was talking to a guy at a bar and used the word germane and he said, “I don’t think the Germans pronounce the e.

**Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.

**I moved far away from my parents because they're annoying. When I meet the person who invented the telephone I will kill them.

**Never keep your flashlight and your vibrator in the same drawer because eventually? One night you're going to be very disappointed.

**I know it's football season but the only thing I know about sports is that OJ was guilty.

**The greatest thing about an earthquake warning is that there's really no reason to dust.

**This month is National Month Awareness Month.

**People think California never suffers from weather but today we're under a DQ Blizzard warning.

**I'm going to lie down and watch movies all day. Not sure the people at the Multiplex are going to be thrilled about that.

**My sister is so addicted to exercise she joined a 12 step program. I don't think it's working because now she's up to 24 steps.

**By the time I get back to a size 4 all the clothes in my closet will be vintage.


  1. you kill me...
    and that flashlight/vibrator one is gold

    Happy 2011

  2. yay! i've been waiting for this post.

    and your list of tweets is WAY more hilarious than the previous one that listed other people's, by the way. fucking awesome.

    my two favs:

    **Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.

    **I'd like to hear the dinner table talk at Chris Martin's house: "Gwyneth, I'm the fucking singer."

  3. Wondering why you didn't post this up first. I have to go back into archives bc I didn't see my favorites from you on there. I saved all the good ones that had me laughing out loud from you.

    I shall be back.

    You are the queen on Twitter.

    Still like, "going to lay down and watch movies all day..." hahaha

  4. Oh NOW you tell me about the flashlight.
    You make me hee hee, giggle, snort, bwaahaha.... So, you know... thanks for that.

  5. "Police Navidad." I feel silly for being so very amused by that.

  6. Yeah, I was surprised that you didn't post this first. Ha ha

    But I star a lot A LOT of your tweets. Because you crack me up. xx

  7. Funny stuff. BTW thanks for linking. Means a lot coming from someone I actually read.

  8. Seriously. Love it! Esp the last one!!! So glad I found you on Twitter!

  9. The family crest is hilarious! What's scary is I know people like that!

  10. Great ones, especially the phone inventor.

  11. Heh. Police navidad made me giggle.

  12. farkin faaaaaaaaaaaar out, as john denver useta say ;)

  13. Your Tweets always make me laugh. The other day I read one and I LOL, and re-Tweeted it. It was a few minutes later that I realized I didn't know what you were talking about. I had to go back and read your previous Tweets to get it, then I really LOL!

  14. Thought they all were yours. (they are, aren't they?)

  15. This month is national month awareness month.

    These are fantastic.