Tuesday, June 30, 2009

And The Beat Goes On

""Would you be opposed to someone starting a Fans of Suzy Soro on Facebook? Or does it already exist? I can't find it. But it would be a great place for some of your fans to post info about your appearances, book releases, etc. And I think it has blocking/admin features that would address any potential problems. I don't think it would require you to be on FB, but it might be a useful marketing tool. Don't mean to be a goof about this, just thought I'd ask. ""

I left out this person's name on purpose, not because I don't love her but because I have nothing to promote right now. I turned it down but GOD I wish you all were my real family.

Oh wait, you are.

End of chat.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Facebook Anyone?

This is from my hilarious friend Ron, who decided not to let well enough alone, mainly because he's a computer genius and can do things the rest of us only dream about.

Hi Suzysoro, I set up a Facebook profile where I can post my pictures, videos and events and I want to add you as a friend so you can see it. First, you need to join Facebook! Once you join, you can also create your own profile.Thanks, Ron

See who who else has invited you to Facebook:

Dan Balogh 280 friends 20 photos

Connie Kaplan 103 friends 20 photos

James Wilson 20 friends 1 photo

Denise Bourie Thomas 64 friends 7 photos

Eric Shantz 637 friends 33 photos

Jenée DotNet 320 friends 6 photos

Ron Southern: 4 friends 0 photos 0 notes 1 wall post 0 groups

Jenee's last name is DotNet because she's afraid of stalkers. Maybe she should get off the internet, no? And because she has no further use for me or this blog, she only checked it 3 times today.

Guess Who This Is From?

''I’ll do you and Suzy the courtesy of responding to you privately rather than posting it on her blog. I really don’t need some Pollyanna sycophant of Suzy’s lecturing me about what I should and shouldn’t say. You don’t know me, you don’t know my humor and you don’t know the relationship I’ve had with Suzy over the last 10 years. The comment was meant in jest and there was no indication that Suzy would get all wound up over it. Go to Google and search Suzy’s blog for the word “cunt.” You’ll see that I used it before, that several other people have used it before and that Suzy herself used it before (spelled out in full, none of that cowardly “c word” crap that she’s suddenly using). So don’t tell me how women are supposed to speak and then praise Suzy as the “queen of comedy” when I was merely following her example."

Jenee, I'm sorry but I don't remember calling you that on your blog. What I say to others is irrelevant here. Following my example. You're just lying now. None of that cowardly "c word" crap. Funny how you didn't use the word in that email and instead wrote the "c word" yourself. You are speaking to my much larger audience. You have 8 Google subscribers. I have over 200, some of them were bound to be on my side.

And from the reader who got the email: ...she's just down right jealous of you. I did go to her blog..I did not find her funny ...no skin off my back either way.

End of chat.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Stop Asking Me To Join Facebooger

These are things you should know about me:

1. I'm not a joiner.
2. I don't want some jealous anonymous skank pinning some doody on my wall.
3. I don't care where you are.
4. I don't care what your status is unless you're dead.
5. Google, I'm all over the first 15+ pages.
6. People know where to find me, I assure you.
7. I can't get female comics to compliment me on my blog, (they send me emails if they think it's funny, but GOD FORBID they go on the record with it.) So imagine what Facebooger will make them do.
8. (Except for Martha and Ann and Fahey and her red chair diaries, who are fairly normal comics).
9. I blog to showcase my writing and humor.
10. I got jobs off my blog.
11. What did you get off Facebooger? Old high school friends?
12. Old College friends?

Friday, June 26, 2009

R.I.P. Michael, Farrah, Ed And Governor Who?

I don't care if Governors cheat on their wives. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been doing it for well over 20 years before our great state of California ELECTED HIM GOVERNOR. TWICE. It's apparently a prerequisite out here.

I suspose if you were a huge fan of the 70's and 80's, yesterday was a big loss for you. I wrote recently about seeing Farrah. I was at the Improv on Melrose uselessly sucking up to anyone over the age of 16. She didn't look right but was surrounded by a coterie of young comics and tourists. She was graciously signing autographs and taking pictures with everyone. I, for once, stayed away from her because she looked melancholy. Something seemed off. I found out later that was the time frame she was diagnosed with cancer.

If you saw the shameless View yesterday morning, you heard Baba Wawa pimping out her special on Farrah Fawcett-almost-O'Neal. She mentioned 3 times they moved it up a day because they announced that Farrah was hours from death. My heart was beating so fast. THANK GOD I FINALLY WATCHED THE VIEW TODAY.

So when Michael Jackson died, all I could think about was Barbara pulling out the hair under her wig knowing she'd been officially wiped off the news. They're mentioning it out here every 5 minutes of every hour on Jackson. If you look closely at the footage on Michael, you can see the kerchief in front of his face hides the loss of his nose, which collapsed long ago and finally could not be fixed. He wore a custom made nose plate and wore the kerchief to hide it. There are still some side shots where the plate gapes over the nose and you can see it. It looks like a nose eave.

It's terrible and cheap to talk about Jackson's plastic surgery but hello, have you met me?

Thriller, still best album and video ever. RIP Jacko. Little boys everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief.

RIP Ed McMahon. I did Starsearch with Ed. Mr. McMahon was a large man. Tall and broad and just, big. The only time you got to see him was when they were lining up the two finalists for possible national humiliation. So there I was, standing next to X Comic (I got in trouble with my buddy Ron the last time I mentioned and trashed this comic's win so I'll leave out his name) and Ed announced our scores. I got 3 and a quarter stars and X comic got 3 and 3 quarters stars. If you watch the tape, you see me stand there a second trying to remember fractions. I cannot. Ed gently moved me along. I was mortified.

And just to prove to you all those shows are rigged, my Dad said to me later, "How could that guy have won over you? "

Apparently the editors agreed with my Dad because when I received a copy of the tape, they had removed my biggest joke, the one that got an applause break, another joke and cut my overall time down by 60 seconds. Obviously if they had felt that K.A. really should have won, they would have left all my stuff intact. They edited me out to make Mr. Apio look better.

So again, heartfelt good wishes and best ever to Kermit Apio.

And my final thought. If one more person refers to a dead person with "He's in a better place right now" I would just like to respond with.

How do you know? Have you been there? Fool.

End of chat.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Don't Talk To The Animals Or The Baby Seal Gets It. It's Okay, I Don't Understand It Either.

In the last 2 weeks, I've noticed an uptick in people's behavior with their pets that unfortunately involves me.

-Telling your dog to poop is not going to make your dog poop. Especially while I'm standing there talking to you about where to go for dinner.

-No I don't want to hear your cat purr into the phone. I have an appointment to stick a javelin in my eye and need to go find an empty jar to put the blood in so I have to go.

-Describing how your dog looked at you and said "Come on Pop I want to walk over there so I said okay Sandy we'll walk over there and then she does her business and looks at me and says Pop I'm ready to go now."

-Telling your pet to EAT RIGHT NOW is the same as your mother telling you to fix your hair.


Have some.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Like My New Haircut?

Thanks T and E!!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

The 80's Never Went Away. Except For the Hair. Which Went To New Jersey.

This is a picture taken the day of my mom's second marriage. Let's make fun of my sister's Mt. Vesuvius hair. Only we can't because then you'll ask me why I was wearing that ridiculous pink and white surfer sweater to a wedding in PARIS FUCKING FRANCE, the city where haute couture was born. My mother stared at that sweater until I could feel her eyeballs waltzing through my lower intestines. She asked me if I was going to change before the ceremony and I was like, "Naaaoooooooohh."

This was the late 80's and those stockings on my mom and sister are back in style. The black lizard purse with a jade clasp was my sister's, a gift from an English boyfriend who knew how to shop. My mother kept it because she also knows how to shop. I've had the same hairdo since the first grade. Sad.

Friday morning a SIG alert on the 405/101 interchange was on TV. A truck had plowed into a white BMW and killed two people. My sister drives a white BMW. I looked for the fin on the back and it was there. I went completely ballistic because I knew they had an early doctor's appointment for my mother and that's the route we both use to go back and forth. I called Lindy's cell, no answer. No answer at home either. I left post traumatic stress disorder messages in a basso profundo voice. "Call me immediately."

Then I paced and thought, good grief, I just lost my entire family. I'm an orphan. And the worst part? I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THEY KEPT THEIR ONLINE BANKING PASSWORDS.

Lindy called me one minute later. I filled her in on what was going through my head when I saw the accident flash on the screen.

"There are more white BMWs in L.A. than white people and you thought it was mine?"
"It could have been."
"You're out of Xanax again aren't you?"
"I'm hanging up."
"Before you go, roughly how much is that dining room buffet worth?"

Man, people are so TOUCHY about their stuff.

End of chat.

Friday, June 19, 2009

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

This is what I should have called my blog. Or at the very least my Friday posts.

Is anyone else doing the math? Long Time Blogging + No Alcohol = Not Dooce. Shouldn't I be doing something more important with my life, like saving white heterosexual men from extinction?

The hummingbird baby went to Carson and Johnny's house across the street where Carson has 6 hummingbird feeders. (Recovering addict so that's why there are six instead of 1) The baby was feeding and then went on to a tree limb, where, if he stays away from Carson's loaded shotgun, he should be just fine. She also buys bags of preying mantis' cocoons or pods or Volkswagens or whatever the hell they're born into and lets them loose in her back yard every year. Probably so they can clean up the pieces of white heterosexual man meat found all over her place. Before I got a chance to save them. Heartbreaking, really.

The FedEx package was from BlogHer. A Lifetime DVD of Drop Dead Diva, a new show I will review enclosed with a million dollar check so I can get a part on it. If it was Dropped Brain Diva, I would have automatically gotten the lead because I REQUESTED this from BlogHer and then promptly forgot about it. Seriously? I don't even understand the last two paragraphs so let's move on.

I spoke to Ann and we were discussing blog pictures and she said: "I see your bright shiny halo-shrouded head looming from blog widgets." Joke is on her, she doesn't even realize I'm trying to signal my home planet so I can get the fuck out of here.

Can't we all just stop posting (3 times a day) and get along?

End of chat.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Endless Boredom of TV

Every channel has the Laker's victory parade. Even though I'm over hating Kobe for being such a prick that Shaq left the Lakers and I think Phil Jackson is God I'M really not interested in the parade route and drunk kids yelling "Kobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay." I don't understand why crowds don't form when I walk down the street and yell out "Hey Mami, Mami Mami, hey Mami." For God's sake, a blond in a bikini gets NO respect today.

So did any of you send me a FedEx? The only reason I ask is because I didn't order anything and there's a big ass label on the ticket, that I've missed for 2 days and today is Last Chance Lucy day, that says CANNOT DIVULGE NAME OF SENDER. Which means it's probably a warrant for my arrest.

I'm afraid to call across the street to see if the baby bird made it. I don't take animal loss very well, even if it's a bird I've never even slept with.

And as to the cassette question, I had an old alarm clock that took cassettes. For reasons I can't fathom I kept it when I got a new CD alarm clock. My reasoning being "What if the old one broke?" I didn't even put it out for the garage sale as my family stood around with prayer beads and tears in their eyes begging me to. WELL HAHA on them, the CD one broke.

I hooked up the cassette one and it broke as well.

End of chat.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Rug Burn And A 22 Year Old

I bet you all clicked on that title faster than white on rice which is the dumbest expression I've ever heard and I don't even know how it connotes being fast. And yes, I know someone will write and tell me so why Google? (Blognut just wrote me and told me I got the expression wrong and explained it to me but now I'm just confused)

I took a face-plant 2 days ago in the middle of the night. The next morning I had RUG BURN on my face and also had Pinocchio's nose. Apparently I haven't hurt myself enough recently so I'm getting creative.

There have been many car break-ins in our neighborhood lately. I never leave anything in my car; I even remove the steering wheel and the back seat. Johnny and Carson, the married couple who live across the street, had their shiny black Pathfinder broken into because they left their GPS on the front seat. The thieves took that and the GARAGE DOOR clicker and Carson says if they come back to kill her she'll shoot first with the loaded shotgun she keeps in the house. Good to know.

So Johnny was helping me save a baby hummingbird that flew very close to me and landed in the middle of the street. As Johnny picked him up he said the thieves also took their cassette tapes and added, "Why in the world would anyone steal those?"

He walked to his house while I went to retrieve the cassette tapes from my car. My car doesn't have a DVD player and I only listen to talk radio. I threw them in my bag and went to the corner store, pulled out my wallet to pay and a cassette tape got caught and flipped onto the counter.

The kid next to me takes out his portable bullhorn and screams "DUDE, WHAT ARE THOSE? ARE THOSE CASSETTE TAPES?
"Yes, but they're very cool ones."
So of course the one on the counter was Enya and I admitted that was a little gay but I also had The Best of Marvin Gaye, Sgt. Pepper's, The Immaculate Collection by Madonna and James Ingram.
"Christ on a stick, how old are you?"
"Dude, you so missed all the great music."

Then the owner told us to leave.

End of chat.

Monday, June 15, 2009

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Photoshoppers

I'd like to answer Blasé's comment from my last post about helping 2 other bloggers. I've met Ellen once and auditioned for her first sitcom once. I'd love to play Charlie Goodnight's but they haven't asked me and lastly "How do I get my photo so airbrushed?"

That one made me laugh because THIS post is about photoshopping! I'm a comedian and an actor. My first L.A. agent was Irwin Arthur. I got a fashion photog friend of mine to take that shot and when I picked it up, I looked so much better since he photoshopped me to death that I kept it and Irwin Arthur dropped me because it didn't look realistic.

Come on, that's some funny shit right there, kids.

Last night a man asked me if I had makeup on and I said no and he said, you get up in the morning looking that good? I said I went to bed looking like I was 22 and woke up every morning thinking I'd had a face transplant.

One surprised mom found a baby in her pants leg. Image: Corbis.
This was the picture that accompanied that headline. Not only is there no room for the baby but the inside of her thighs is photoshopped so poorly that the baby wouldn't have been able to get into either leg because this woman's uterus shrunk with the last washing of her jeans and is now her spleen.
The pictures below are from TMZ. I used to work for the Hearst Organization in NY in the art department so I can spot photoshopping even when I'm blindfolded, which is how I read.

1. They painted this girl's hairline darker because the subject of the layout was about celebrities who let their hair fade. That one side is more faded than the other is just poor craftsmanship. I'm guessing a man did this as no self-respecting woman would be able, or want, to let one side grow out faster because IT'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. 2. They also painted in a pinkish colored bra, probably because she has no boobs. They also painted in all the lines on the left side of her white shirt. They're all smudged to make her look boobISH.

3. Look at the upper corner of her right thigh. See that little black painted-in part? Her left inner thigh is also smudged in with dark gray. All this to make a girl with regular thighs appear unattainably thighless.

This Beyoncé photo is from the same layout on celebrities who've let their hair color go. Yeah, Beyoncé has trouble keeping up, due to lack of money, especially for a red carpet.

Pamela Anderson, whose boobs you can see from my apartment, STILL is highlighted around her breasts. Look at the top of her left inner leg. Painted in to separate her skin tone because otherwise you'd think her left leg was part of her right thigh. Because you failed biology.

And look at her left abdomen, next to her left arm. They have painted in a black line to make her waist appear smaller than it is. I've seen her up close, trust me, she's already thin.

Can you say hair extensions to this sleb?

None of these people look like this in real life, except me in the photo on the top of my blog. Blasé, I can't believe it took ANYONE 2 and a half years to ask me that question. You must be in the biz.

End of chat.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I'd Like Your Help

I'm posting this email I got without permission because as we all know, I always do the opposite of appropriate.

But I'm posting it for 2 reasons:
1. For the bloggers who leave no emails on their profiles or don't link their names so we can't find you easily.
2. For the bloggers who take time out of their busy lives to respond to their readers because otherwise they'll have to clean the house.
3. To avoid the answering within the comments which I never go back to read because I read over 200 plus blogs.
4. Have stopped checking the little Send me followups button because no one ever answers my questions, not even the blog owners.
5. Because I want to share the love.
6. (lie).
7. Because the email makes me look good. dingdingding, we have a winner!
8. 8 reasons. I can't shut up once I get going.

Subj: You know what I love about you?
Date: 6/13/2009 4:23:59 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: A reader

You have time for your fans! I used to follow another comedian, I won't name names, I commented on every blog she posted and she NEVER replied to me. it's a shame really, because she's pretty funny. I read your comment on my daughter's blog and it just made me smile! Thank you for being so down to earth!

Abbie left me one of the most compelling it-happened-to-me-too comments on Friday's post. When I replied to her privately I came across her website, written about her daughter, who has Hep C and needs a liver transplant. I know a lot of people out there can relate to this or are going through the agony of waiting for transplantation so I'm hoping you'll stop by her website and send some love and then pass it around the internet. Her daughter has two children so mothers, start your engines.http://abbiespot.blogspot.com/

And for fans of teenagers! Why is no one's hand up? But you'll all cheer for this one. She made 3 short videos and posted them on Brickfish. So in the spirit of helping fellow bloggers go vote for this kid's vids. There's NO signing up just click and Dairy Queen Double Serve comes through your screen and directly into your mouth. There are 8 days left to vote. You remember when you were a teenager and life sucked and you were in the band and chess club and wore coke bottle eye glasses and then you WON something, like a spanking? Do me a favor, go vote for this sweetheart and let's get her a win. All 3 of her vids are just so touching and you can vote every 8 hours!! For all three of them. http://www.brickfish.com/acutedisaster09

Thanks kids.

End of chat.

His Dead Wife Moves In With Me

I've gone through my novel, His Dead Wife, and parsed out the rest of the story and just strung together the freaky events, of which there are many more. But you'll have to wait until my book is published by some REALLY INTELLIGENT AGENT WHO I DON'T HAVE YET to read the rest.

So the story jumps forward, after the VCR incident.

I've always been a terrible sleeper. Earplugs, night mask, blackout shades, a sound machine and 2 Unisom a night sometimes all kick in and I can finally sleep.

One night I got up to pee in the middle of the night and saw a pinkish glow coming from my living room. More curious than fearful I walked towards the pink light and realized the stereo was on and since it rotates colors when it's on, blue, red, orange, pink, it was on the pink cycle. As I got closer, I saw that it was not only on but the lid was open.

Closed Lid

Open Lid

What's so weird about that?

I hadn't left it on. I can barely sleep so if there's a pink glow coming from my living room I would have noticed. The buttons on this cheap $100. stereo are behind the CDs so you have to move them to turn it on. When I found the lid open, the CDs were all flush against the stereo. I thought maybe I had absent-mindedly used the remote. I keep it near my desk, opposite the stereo. I found the remote in the bottom of a basket 2 shelves down. It took me 14 seconds to even locate the "Open Lid" function. It was definitely not me. It was comforting to know Alzheimers had not moved in.

I turned it off and went back to bed. I woke up the next day and still couldn't figure out how the stereo had turned itself on.

A few months later I was in a deep sleep. Suddenly I heard talking. In my bedroom. I opened my eyes and saw that the TV had turned itself on. This time I was scared and sat bolt upright. I searched for the remote. Had I rolled over it? Where the hell was it? In a drawer in one of my side tables. If I tossed and turned I would have had to launch myself 2 feet in mid air to get to that remote. In a drawer. I'm pretty sure that would have woken me up.

I walked into the kitchen and got a hammer. Not a little hammer but a full grown huge manly man hammer. I have no idea why I didn't grab a knife but I thought, a knife will produce blood and then I'd have to clean up AND go to prison. But I reasoned a hammer would just produce a huge hurty hole in the body of...of... of WHO?

I was shaking. Who was in the bedroom? I crept slowly back to bed, turned off the TV and kept the hammer and a flashlight in the bed with me. Not cuddlers, I can tell you that.

What the hell was going on in my apartment?

And then the TV turned itself on again in the middle of the night almost 2 months later. And they were talking about Los Angeles Mayor's Anthony Villaragosa's divorce. If that was a clue, it was lost on me. And then the stereo turned itself on again.

End of chat.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

His Dead Wife Loved TV's


Less than a year before my Dad died, I was seeing a great guy. His wife had died and because we were friends for about 10 years, the inevitable happened. We kept it a secret for his sake because even though she'd been sick for a long time, his wife had only recently died and he was so sad and miserable that I didn't want to hurt him further by not doing as he asked.

Having sex with a person you've been friends with is very strange when you've only known them with their clothes on. What if we got naked, had sex and it was all a big mistake and we both knew it and now we had to go back to a fully clothed relationship? How was that ever going to work? You could never even glance below their waist for the rest of your life, even if their legs were on fire.

With alcohol, that's how it's done.

How do female movie stars agree to nudity in front of an entire crew? I wonder if that’s why male actors rarely do. You'd think men would, since every body part is multiplied by the multiplex, not to mention the camera puts on fifteen pounds. Everywhere.

The first time I went to his house I was overwhelmed. Did he look around and still see his wife? Were there pictures on the wall or clothes in the closet that belonged to her? Could I move something without him saying, “Please don’t touch that.” I walked around like a tourist. Oohing and aahing and feeling like an interloper in Ozzie and Harriet’s house. Only Harriet was dead and I was the whore of Babylon.

Afterwards, I was in the kitchen rinsing dishes while he dried. The TV in the dining room was on a sports channel and he was watching out of the corner of his eye and talking to me at the same time. All of a sudden the TV shut down, went dark. He walked over to it, picked up the remote, clicked to another channel and it went on. Then another channel and it went on. But when he clicked back to the sports channel it was still blank. He fingered the remote and and then locked eyes with me.

“I know who this is.”
"It's obviously my wife."

I knew it too but if I said something, would he think I was crazy? He believed it, surely I could too? He was convinced it was her because he watched sports all the time and what better way to get his attention? And it had never happened before she died.

I was at my house one night, sitting on a chair watching a rental movie. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. I kept wondering if our relationship would go anywhere. I was, after all, a rebound and I was terrified he'd figure that out and move on. And as I watched the movie, the VCR stopped playing and the noise of a television show blared through. The VCR then turned itself off. And I knew at that moment that there was someone else present. Pushing STOP and then pushing OFF were two different movements and I was nowhere near the remote or the TV. I’d had the VCR for seven years and it had never done that. And of course it never did it again.

Was his wife visiting me? Checking out my place, noticing if I was neat or messy? Looking at my shoes? I knew some spirits moved objects around, even threw things. Did they steal overpriced shoes still collecting interest on my Amex card?

A few days later, back at his house, we were upstairs in the master bedroom, standing in front of a large cabinet that housed a television. We were hugging and swaying and looking into each other’s eyes. We had a chemistry I'd never had before and will probably never have again. We could not keep our hands off each other.

Suddenly the television started to inch forward. Inch by calculated inch. It was on one of those wooden platforms that glide in and out. We stopped swaying and watched as the TV became fully extended on the platform and then stopped right in front of us. He pushed it back into the hutch and didn't say a word.

One night I was ironing his suit jacket and he was in the bathroom shaving. I had the TV on and when he came out of the bathroom he switched the channel to a ballgame. He did that all the time. I could have any station on and be seriously into it and he would just walk over and turn it back to his channel, or pick up the remote and switch it. It never bothered me because when he was near me, everything else drained from my agenda. I was more than just in love. I'd never felt that way about any man before. I was in serious trouble and I knew it. So we watched the ball game for a while and then he went back into the bathroom to dry his hair.

I changed the channel back to whatever I was watching and continued to iron. After a few minutes I heard the blow dryer stop. He came out of the bathroom and walked over to a chair and picked up the remote. He switched the TV back to his game. He looked over at me and I smiled at him. He smiled back.

Suddenly the TV went dark. Stopped. He tapped on the remote and looked over at me.

“Seems this keeps happening to us," he said, laughing a little.
“Looks that way.”
“You know who this is too, don't you?” he asked.

I couldn't breathe but I nodded yes.

“I don’t think it’s good; not a good thing at all.”

But I knew it was. If it hadn’t been, she would have thrown the TV at our heads. I was suddenly glad I hadn’t told him about the VCR turning itself off in my place. I knew she was trying to get our attention, or tell us something, but what? And how could I tell the love of my life that it was a good thing? How could his darling wife being dead ever be good in any lifetime and on any planet?

And especially with me saying it?

This entire week's posts are excerpts from my novel on reincarnation, His Dead Wife. It has been truncated and some of the names have been omitted for this online version.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

His Dead Wife Was In The Pool

Arthur and his wife were friends of my Dad's. They lived in an assisted living facility, not because they needed help, they were just tired of cooking for themselves. Their new place was a glorious two bedroom with private gardens and a patio full of flowers. There was a doctor's office in the compound, a pool, tennis courts, and did I mention a medical facility? And 3 meals a day. Don't think I didn't consider moving there myself. But I can't do Florida, lightening capital of the U.S. and me all full of metal. And the humidity is just wrong.

This loving couple was married for over 50 years. Madly crazy in love. When she died of a heart attack in her 80's, he was devastated beyond repair. He was a bear of a man, a daily swimmer who had easily recovered from 2 knee replacements. But his emptiness over his wife's death was so huge that it took him weeks to even be up for a walk. No one could cheer him up. After four months he finally got back into life and even took up his daily swimming ritual. He was often found poolside reading the newspaper.

Arthur was a very neat man. Everything in its place kind of guy. So he was sitting by the pool one day when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He put his paper down and saw one piece of newspaper floating in the pool. He hadn't noticed it when he sat down; how did it get there? Had it been there all along and he hadn't noticed? He knew that wasn't possible since he knew exactly where the walnuts and the cashews were and they were in identical canisters on the same shelf in the left kitchen cabinet.

He looked right and left. There was no one around. There were also no other loose pieces of newspaper anywhere on the grounds. Annoyed, he waited to see if a gardener or pool man would wander by and pick it out but he was all alone on a beautiful sunny day.

After a while, the wet newspaper bothered him so much that he decided to get it out himself. He walked over to the pool office, retrieved the pool net and with the long pole he gingerly edged the paper towards him. He laid it on the concrete and looked at the date.

It was the date his wife's obituary appeared in the paper. Four months earlier.

And her picture was staring back at him.

This entire week's posts are excerpts from His Dead Wife, my novel on reincarnation. Some of the names have been changed or omitted to protect the people who got on my nerves.

His Dead Wife Shows Up For Dinner

This is my favorite picture of my Dad and his 4th wife.

When she died my sister and I flew to Florida that night to be with him. My sister flew in from L.A., I flew in from Flin Flon, Saskatchewan, Canada. I can hear Canadians laughing from here. I WAS ON THE ROAD IN FLIN FLON, population 6, not counting the comedians.

The next morning I was sitting on a couch trying to wake up before I went to make coffee. I didn’t especially like Dad’s last wife but I really missed her in that moment, mainly because she always made the coffee.

I got up and went into the kitchen and noticed that a little placard was missing from the entrance wall of the kitchen. The little plaque above it was still there and I wondered if Dad had removed the other one to keep by his bed. I made the coffee and didn’t think another thing about it until a few hours later, when Dad and I decided to go to the post office. As we walked down the long corridor that led to our front door, we passed the kitchen and I noticed the missing plaque was back.

“Did you put the plaque back?”
“What plaque?” I stopped and turned back towards the kitchen. I motioned for him to follow me.
“This bottom plaque here, did you put it back?” I asked, pointing to the piece of wood.
“Put it back from where?” my father asked. I explained to him that I had been in the kitchen earlier and noticed it was missing. Standing with my father gazing at the itinerant plaque, we said nothing. Which if you know me, is unusual. My Dad? Could have passed for a statue at any point in his life.

Something was happening, as it often did around me and the dead. All I knew was that the placard was missing and now it was back. I just didn’t know why.

That night at the Yacht Club the remaining family and friends sat at a round table and put an empty place for the dearly departed. I find it creepy when people do that but so many people do it that maybe I’m the creepy one.

I had already been through the drama with Dad in the foyer of our apartment, so when we got to the Yacht Club, I repeated the story to the others. Family remained quiet. Friends, not so much.

One of Dad’s friends, Gracie, was an Electronic Voice Phenomenon tech who recorded the voices of the dead for a living. She and I exchanged looks. Suddenly my stepbrother turned to his youngest daughter and told her to stop rocking his chair. “Dad, I’m not even touching your chair,” she answered.

“Well someone is rocking my chair,” he insisted. Again Gracie and I exchanged a look.
“Hey, stop rocking my chair,” my father suddenly said to me.
“Dad, I’m not touching your chair, look.” My father looked down at the seat of my chair, which was a good seven inches away from his. “Dad, it’s your wife. Your DEAD wife, she’s saying hello.”

The chairs stopped rocking. Gracie and I rolled our eyes at each other as if to say, "Humans. Why don't they get it?"

After dinner Dad and I walked across the street to our condo. He looked so old at that moment, all eighty-six of his years engraved on every ridge of his face. His sadness scared me.

“Really, you weren’t rocking my chair?”
“No, Dad. Your wife never believed in reincarnation or the soul and I used to tell her she was wrong, that one day she would see.”
“Yeah, she really didn’t believe, did she?” he said with a small smile.
“Remember how I told her once, years ago, that when she died she would see that I was right and to send us a sign?” Dad mulled that over for a moment, his eyes suddenly filling with the memory as he stopped walking and turned to look at me.
“You told her to send us a sign when she made it to the other side!”
“That’s right.”
“You think it was her rocking the chairs?” he asked.
“Yes Dad, it was her, that was the sign; there’s something on the other side.”

Dad looked happy in that instant, knowing she had come to him. I never saw him that happy again.

When dead people come back to you, it's never bad, it's always good.

Dad died two years later and is buried at Arlington National Cemetery.

Monday, June 08, 2009

I Really Haven't Changed At All

People always ask me how I can believe in reincarnation when I haven’t made the round trip myself. I don't know; I just do.

This is me when I was 4. I look the same minus the pigtails and plus a nose job.

When I was 3, I started telling my parents that Cincy, Cindy and I were going out to play. That would have been fine by them only I didn’t have any friends named Cincy and Cindy. Cincy? What kind of a name was that? I'd never heard it and to this day have never known anyone named Cincy. My parents grilled me like a shishkabob over those two people. My answer was always “I don’t know; they are just MY FRIENDS you big stupid heads.”

Sidebar: If I really had said that I would be writing you from my grave right now.

Naturally I out grew Cincy and Cindy and as I aged my Dad talked to me about reincarnation. He believed in it and I think I believed in it because I guess he had a good explanation. Like, Believe in it or you’ll never get your own car.

Sidebar: I did believe in it and I never got my own car because my parents were big stupid heads and I'll write from my grave IF I WANT TO.

It wasn’t until years later that I read when children are under the age of four and start talking about people with names you don’t recognize that you should pay close attention, that these were probably people they had known in a previous life. I used to call my sister Dorothy when she was 2 and tell my parents we were moving to California. My Dad's 3rd wife was named Dorothy, her son lived in California and I ended up here THREE separate times in my life before settling here. And my sister Lindy moved here first.

When I was age range 36-43, (that’s how we give our ages in Hollywood) (That is, if you ever want to work again) I received a letter one of our distant uncles on my father's side sent my father and me. He had hired an assassin to work for him and the media was all over his place. I don't tell anyone who it is because this man assassinated a very famous person and homey don't play no witness protection games. In this letter was a diagram of our family tree. I gave it a cursory glance and filed it under Who Cares They're All Dead Now.

A few years later I was working on my first novel 'His Dead Wife" and I foraged the letter out from my files and in the many branches and offshoots of that tree I found the name ‘Cinzie,’ a woman who had died roughly twenty years before I was born. I stared into space thinking about how I had known her on the other side. Whoever she was to me then, she clearly had been very important so I dragged her into this lifetime.

I called my Dad. He totally flipped out. True, I haven't made the round trip but have MILLIONS more stories like this in my life. Research on reincarnation suggests that children under 4 remember names and places and then when they're fully verbal around 5 and "get stuff" it all disappears for them.

For me? Cinzie never disappeared because I found her in a family tree and never forgot the strange name. I still wonder if she's the one who said, "For God's sakes, child, never get married."

End of chat.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

When The Recession Ends I'm Going To Buy This

A 1957 Ferrari 250 Testa Rossa nabbed $12.1 million at a recent event on the company's factory grounds, setting a world record for a car sold at auction.

I like hot men. I like hot cars. I like money in the bank.

Email me if you fit that profile.

Friday, June 05, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

I have 8 photo albums and 6 scrapbooks. Yesterday I started to look through them early in the morning, lost track of time and then realized it was 9 pm and I had nothing in the house to eat except Metamucil.

Apparently I find myself fascinating.

But since people commented on how thin I was in yesterday's picture with Pascal I spent 2 hours today looking for THIS photo. I had just discovered my boyfriend Matty in bed with my gay hairdresser and had stopped eating altogether. I was living in San Francisco and I flew home to D.C. to get away. My father walked right past me at the airport because he didn't recognize me.

Then he took my sister and I on a cruise to Bermuda to "help me forget" and I promptly had an affair with a cute blonde guy who wore Aramis. Needless to say he made an impression because whenever I smell it I think of him. I have no idea what his name was. Like you remember all your hookups' names. Don't even pretend you do. And IF you do, you've had a boring sex life. Trust me on that one. The beauty of this is you can't argue that you haven't!

I looked like this. Probably about 98 pounds. Even back then I dressed weirdly. That navy blue purse was an old lady one from a thrift shop, I have a bracelet up on my biceps, a tooth and Greek cross around my neck and tons of turquoise rings. I would kill to still have those sunglasses. And I was smoking a cigarette in that picture!! My whole goal in life was never to look like anyone else. I succeeded AND STILL GOT LAID.
When we got back home my Dad flew me to Paris so my mother could fatten me up with locamolé at Lake Heroin. And I slowly gained the weight back, especially after meeting Pascal.

Where is he now? He married a very rich girl. My mother said he would never marry me because we weren't rich enough. What's love got to do with it? Apparently nothing.

End of chat.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Me Talk Funny One Day?

It's impolite to make fun of foreigners when they speak. Unless they're your mother.

Me and Mom in Soho in New York.

Mom often makes mistakes when she speaks English but because she converses in 4 languages, we try to overlook it. (lie) It's my sister's and my favorite pastime because we're ungrateful, spoiled brats and jealous that we only speak English and French. And swear in Spanish.

Three days ago this was my phone conversation with my mom:
"Your seester and I went to a lovely partee in Beverly Hills zis afternoon."
"That's nice."
"They had so much food. We had champagne and shrimp and locamolé."
"Oui Mon Dieu, weeth avocados."

Then two days ago she told me she was going with my sister and June Lockhart to Lake "heroin." How do you know when you get there? Curt Cobain and John Belushi are lying dead on the shore?

She was trying to say Lake "Arrowhead."

My first French boyfriend was named Pascal. He had a chalet in Val D'Isère, France and we were going skiing. I had made an appointment to have my legs waxed for the trip but at the last minute Pascal moved the trip up. I was so upset that I ran down the street and popped my head into the waxing shop and shouted, "Je suis desolé mais je ne peux pas venir pour le cirage." Then I ran all the way home to my mom's place. She and my stepfather were having coffee and I told them what happened. They started laughing and I asked them what was so funny. They said I had told the women at the shop that I couldn't come for my shoe shine. Me and Pascal. He's looking at my eyes and I'm looking at his lips. He was very hot. And I don't ski.

End of chat.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

All (H)ale Vodka Mom

I want to thank Vodka Mom for what she did for me yesterday. Her support has been exemplary, unflagging and codependent generous. I wish she lived closer to me so I could fall off the wagon and help her beat certain grownups to a pulp. Because we're married, prison won't be a problem for us. Especially me.

And thank you to all her readers who voted for me and followed me because they're afraid of her.

Seriously, I'm very grateful.

Now, will any of you pay my rent? Unbelievably it's due every month. Rude.

End of chat.

Monday, June 01, 2009

But Have You Seen Me Here?

The website Talent Trove has posted one of my articles on stand up comedy so go take a look if you want to live to post again.

They're also on my sidebar and they're a terrific resource for comedy including videos and laugh riot psychopathic geniuses like me.

End of chat.