Friday, March 29, 2013

L.A. Sign Of The Times #106

This picture was taken off my balcony. LA has spectacular sunsets due to all the smog. Don't ask me how that works because unless Ryan Gosling came up with that theory I'm not interested. My favorite part of the picture is the light down in the right hand corner.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The 1 Question I've Never Been Asked

I did many interviews for my book, including one for author Jess Riley and this one, for author Adam Avitable. Adam asked me something that in over 80 career interviews I've never been asked. Which one of these 9 questions do you think it was?

1. Your book was a fascinating collection of chance celebrity encounters, stories about friends, and scandalous secrets. I guess my question is, how many sex tapes have you participated in?

I did two with a boyfriend in NY. We broke up after three years and all I could think about were those tapes. He was well known, although not in show business, and was a control freak. He routinely asked me to get his name tattooed on my left breast. This was years before Pam Anderson, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie started marking up their bodies with the names of their love interests. My ex was ahead of the white trash times.

He and I are still friends and a few years ago I asked him if I could have my two tapes back, so I could destroy them.

“Two? Is that how many you think we did?”
“Well, uh, yeah.”
“You never could figure out when the red light was on.”

Which explains a lot about my show business career. And no, I didn’t tattoo his name on my left boob. I honestly don’t recognize the name that’s on there now.

2. How do you think your life would have changed if you had won the Star Search competition that you actually lost to Kermit Apio?

There were so many more people to battle before you got to the top tier of that show. Kermit was knocked out in the next round, which meant he wasn’t funny enough to win a second time. Which further cemented my belief that the judge who was so mean to me made sure I didn’t win my round because he knew I would have gone on to win. So in my version I would have won the second round, would now be spit-shining two Oscars, and be married to Ryan Gosling.

3. Do you think that there are any true, great celebrities anymore? What has reality TV done to the world of entertainment?

George Clooney is a great celebrity. So are Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. I Googled the greatest celebrities of all time and some guy had made a list on that included John Ratzenberger and Hilary Duff so my list might be off a little.

Reality TV has given everyday people the hope that they too can be on TV without having an ounce of talent. You no longer have to be thin, attractive or intelligent to be famous. So it’s made us all feel better about ourselves.

4. Your book is about your compulsion to go up and talk to celebrities. Has anyone ever done that to you?

About five years ago I was in a frozen yogurt shop and a woman stopped at my table and said, “OHMYGODYOU’RESUZYSORO.” I didn’t recognize her and asked where we’d met. She’d taken a standup comedy class and her teacher had taped me off a TV show and asked her to do my act for her final exam.

She’s probably still doing it.

5. I was surprised to see the serious turn of the book when you talked about the Hartman family. What made you decide to include that chapter among all the gossip and humor?

I loved Brynn and Phil and knew Brynn’s vilification in the press was never going to go away. At the same time I took the opportunity to screw the National Enquirer and risked that people who read what I did didn’t hate me for it. Brynn was a phenomenal friend to me, as was Phil, but I felt her side of the story needed to be told. One of their children wrote and thanked me for trying to preserve their mother’s name in spite of what she did. It was, obviously, a terrible time.

6. Name the top three celebrities who, if you saw them, you would run in the opposite direction. Why?

There aren’t any. I once made Flavor Flav take a picture with me. FLAVOR FLAV.

7. What does your sister think of the book?

She loved it but it depressed her because she forgot what a great life she used to have. And that she could have been Mrs. Johnny Carson. Snooze you lose.

8. If they made a movie version of this book, who would play you if you could cast anyone, dead or alive? Who would probably get cast instead?

If I cast: Amy Poehler
If Hollywood cast: Anne Hathaway
If mommies cast: Melissa McCarthy
If daddies cast: Sophia Vergara

9. Other than your book, what's your favorite book written in the last year?


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Dancing With The Stars It Wasn't

A long time ago I was watching a talk show that shall remain nameless because I can't remember the name of it.

A. The host held an audience dance contest. There were four contestants: three women in their 30s and one woman who was 61. The three younger women were great; the 61 year-old looked like she was having a seizure. Who won?

B. Five years ago my family and I were on a cruise to Hawaii. There was a dance contest in one of the lounges so we went to observe and by observe I mean judge harshly. Three men danced on the stage first, then the three women danced afterwards. There was one hot guy, one average looking guy, and one chubby guy. The hot guy and the average guy were great dancers and the chubby guy couldn’t dance at all. Who won?

C. Then the women danced. There was one hot girl, one average looking girl, and one chubby girl. The hot girl spent all of her time dancing in the audience, having not understood the complicated request to dance on the stage. The average girl was the best dancer and the chubby girl couldn’t dance at all. Who won?

I wanted to put these answers upside down like they do in magazines but I don't know how to do that not to mention that's the most irritating thing about magazine quizzes.

A. 61 year-old woman having a seizure
B. Chubby guy who couldn't dance at all
C. Hot girl who didn't understand where to dance

A. We feel sorry for old people, but not sorry enough to hire them
B. Chubby men get more sympathy than chubby women
C. Hot girls win no matter how stupid they are

Monday, March 04, 2013

How To Go Insane

You start a blog.
Then you put a Followers widget on your blog.
Now you care about how many followers you have.

Then you start a Tumblr.
See above.

Then you join Twitter.
Now you care about how many followers you have.

Then you discover Favstar.
Now you care about how many stars you get.

Then you join Google Plus.
Now you care about how many circles you're in.

Then you join Facebook.
Now you care about how many Likes you have. (not really because hi it's Facebook)

Then you write a book.
Now you care about how many Amazon reviews you have.

Then you join Goodreads.
Now you care about how many friends you have.

I envy the Masai. Pretty sure they're not on social media.

Lucky bastards.

Friday, March 01, 2013

My Book Is Free! For 3 Days Only!

If you have a Kindle, or have downloaded the free Kindle app for either your PC or Mac, (or tablet or phone or any other device I don't own) you can get my book, Celebrity sTalker, for free. It's available from Friday, March 1 to Sunday, March 3rd.

And if you want to read an excerpt, the post before this one has my run-in with Sly Stallone and my evil, but in great shape sister, Lindy.

Get the book here.