Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Some People Are Worth Their Weight In Dogs

When my 5 pound Yorkie Kiko first got sick I took him to the ASPCA and the doctor asked if I wanted to put him down. I said yes and placed him on the examining table.

"No, down. DOWN."

I thought, "Make up your mind buddy; I haven't got all day" and took the dog off the table and put him on the floor.

"Do you want to put him to sleep?" he finally said in the tone of voice reserved for imbeciles.
"He has diabetes."
"Did anyone put Mary Tyler Moore to sleep when SHE got diabetes?"

It was in New York, 1990 and I was booked for road gigs in Oklahoma City, Philadelphia, Princeton, Pittsburgh and a thousand other towns so small the only thing I remember about them is my bar tab.

Mildred was an older woman who worked in the dog grooming shop on our block. She said she would babysit Kiko while I traveled. She knew how to give insulin shots and each time I returned home there were detailed, loving notes about what Kiko had done or not done while I was away.

DONE: Peed on everything
NOT DONE: Refrained from peeing on everything

I had very little money in those days. The most I could pay Mildred was $11 a day. For months this exchange worked out until one day she stopped returning my calls. I think the eleven dollars a day plus the traveling from her home on the upper west side to mine on the upper east side did her in. She was 51 but smoking two packs of cigarettes a day had aged her. She looked 52.

So because I had no choice I started taking the dog, the wee wee pads, the insulin, the hypodermics and ketone strips with me on gigs. I only got kicked off one Greyhound Bus. But once off the bus, the driver took a close look at my little dog, who was by now blind, and let me back on. And yes I was wearing a low cut blouse. And didn't the Ketones used to sing backup for Marvin Gaye?

Eventually the dog died, I moved to Los Angeles and never thought about Mildred again. Ten years later I inherited money when my Dad died. The first person I thought of was Mildred.

I bought a card, wrote that I wanted to send her a check to make up for the pittance I had paid her back in New York and was hoping she was at this same address.

Three weeks later I received the card back in the mail, unopened, with the word "Deceased" written across it. I burst into tears. I could never repay this wonderful woman for all she had done for me. I removed the card and stuck the envelope in that year's journal. I packed it away with all the other journals and never looked at it until this year.

I found the envelope and unfolded it. There it was, "Deceased", written across the top. But this time something caught my eye. Something I hadn't noticed when it was first returned to me. The word looked very familiar. And then it hit me, IT WAS MILDRED'S HANDWRITING.

End of chat.

Friday, January 21, 2011

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

I've been on hiatus from bitching but I'm back so buckle up! And if you're new to this feature? Consider yourselves warned.

Blogs, Blogger, Blogging. When did this all go so horribly wrong?

People ask me why I hate blogs. Let me count the ways:

I'm sure you think your life is fascinating and needs to be published on a daily basis. Really? Have you read you?

The only cutesy thing I ever want to hear your child say is: "Mom, here's a sitcom contract and a million dollars for Suzy Soro." If, however, your child invents something to replace blogging, please call me at 1-800-WISHINGFORDEATH.

Where are your husbands traveling to all the time? To the towns where their second families live, that's where. Wake up and smell the alimony.

Also boring.

Dear God the recipes! The moment I see the words "2 Teaspoons" I'm off to my Suicide Farm in the South of France. Seriously, if your kids didn't suck the pantry dry you'd be able to have meals out.

Stop stuffing your feelings into enchiladas. Take up drug addiction or smoking, both of which are guaranteed to drop 10 pounds in a matter of days. I'll be in rehab if anyone wants me.

Taking pictures of your heirloom tomatoes and flowers is the first sign of old age. My family did this and I have shelves of 8 millimeter films of roses blowing in a slight breeze with elevator music playing in the background and my sister and I hiding behind potted plants. I've spent entire therapy sessions asking my shrink WHY COULDN'T I JUST BE ADOPTED LIKE NORMAL CHINESE GIRL BABIES?

Have you looked up the definition of Funny? Here it is: arousing or provoking laughter. Notice eye rolling is missing from the definition.

If you tell me that you FELL OUT OF YOUR CHAIR laughing at a site I will demand to see a picture of this event. The last person to fall out of a chair laughing was Jim Carrey and he was paid twenty million dollars to do it. You also did not LMAO at anyone's blog. Because if you had, pictures of you without an ass would have gone viral and you'd be negotiating a deal with Bravo TV for your own reality show, "Just Because You Don't Have An Ass Doesn't Mean You're Not An Asshole."

Let me be the first to assure you that you're not crazy. Gary Busey is crazy. Living in Missouri with 2 kids, a cat, 2 dogs and a kooky neighbor is NOT crazy. It's what everyone else is doing. Sadly.

I never want to read about your kid's swirly poop, your wacky in-laws' disapproving poop, your boss and his executive poop, your divorced-and-fighting-the-prenup poop or the poop that ate Chicago. That I even have to mention this has set me back two years in therapy.

And to wind up Edition Number 107 of Everybody Can Bite Me Friday, I will leave you with this annoying factoid: J.K. Rowling had no middle name and UK publishers were afraid boys wouldn't want to buy the first Harry Potter book if they knew a woman named Joanne had written it. So she borrowed the name of a favorite relative and became J.K. Rowling. Maybe your kid or your heirloom tomato could find a cure for sexism. That would be great, thanks.

So the Bite Me Award of the Week goes to the Unimaginative Blogger. There's a big world out there! Go live it! I'd say I'll be waiting by my Google Reader but we all know I won't be.
End of chat.

***And if you think blogging is still popular or a way to get a book deal or make you famous, better read this first.

Monday, January 17, 2011

L.A. Sign Of The Times #70

To see the other 69 photos of Los Angeles taken over the last four years, click on the label at the end of this post. Also? Leave a tip.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Top 10 Movies of 2010

2010's Top Ten List from comedian, film critic and friend Ann (Gariana) Abeyta. She has two first names because she's fancy.

I was chatting with a friend and she pointed out how great the picks were on everyone’s top ten lists. I concurred and I think it’s because it’s one of those rare years where you can easily put together a top twenty-five with no problem. Here’s mine and my hope as always is to bring somebody to a film that they may have never seen or taken a chance on. I love that like Oprah loves free bread sticks.

Thanks, Soro. This is my 5th year back and I’m not sure if that’s because you’re enjoying these or patiently waiting for me to get it right. So, in no particularly order:

1. The American – I like this one because I secretly have always wanted to watch George Clooney sleep with hookers. In fact why wasn’t that on the poster? Just those words in a nice font, people may have actually been trampled to death trying to get in.

2. Black Swan – No blacks! No swans! I call shenanigans! I love that director Darren Aronofsky, when asked how he was going to get men interested in seeing a film about ballet dancers, paused dramatically and said, “Lesbo scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.” Hollywood couldn’t cut him a check fast enough. Aronofsky’s next film is Wolverine and I guarantee that it's going to melt your faces off.

3. The Social Network – Asians were all up in arms about how they were portrayed in this film, my favorite quote I read about it was "it was pretty pathetic that the only examples of Asian women in the film -- and there were many Asian women in the film -- were bimbo maniacs who gave blow jobs in bathrooms and set garbage pails on fire." We should all be so lucky! I'm Mexican and you know how my culture is generally portrayed in films? With headbands, guns, face tattoos and bouncy cars all done up to look more menacing while we rob you! Listen up Asian chicks, if Hollywood points the lens at you and goes with thin and sexy just call it a win and pass me the frijoles on your way out the door. This movie was practically Shakespearean in its scope and dissection of human relationships in the connected world and if you haven't seen it yet, go.

4. Winter’s Bone – A kinder gentler Deliverance.
5. Dogtooth – I loved this film! I loved it because if I even try to explain it to you not only will you think I’m crazy, you’ll try to have me arrested.

6. Inception – I have no idea if it was entirely a dream or not, so don’t even ask. I do know that I really like “beefy” Leonardo DiCaprio. He seems so cuddly and approachable now. I just wanna tickle him till he tells me where he has hidden the beer in the fridge.

7. Never Let Me Go – I’ve never seen anybody as mean as Keira Knightley in this film and I live in Hollywood. I imagined her being what Hannibal Lecter would masturbate to.

8. Toy Story 3 – Only film I cried in all year.

9. True Grit – Classic. Film making. The Coen Brothers are so talented that I could smell Jeff Bridges. It might have been the hobo sitting two seats over, but it really added to the panache of the film. If I ever meet the Coen Brothers I'm going to thank them for consistently writing such beautiful, strong and independent roles for women throughout their storied careers.

10. The Fighter – Here’s all you need to know. Mark Wahlberg is shirtless through 80% of the film. Once again! Why wasn’t that the poster for this film! I may have totally missed my calling because it seems really super easy to market films.

Honorable Mentions:
The King's Speech
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Animal Kingdom
Exit Through the Gift Shop
The Secret in Their Eyes
The Ghost Writer

Films I saw in 2010 that were released in 2009 that would have made my list if Hollywood wasn’t a stickler for details:
A Prophet
A Town Called Panic

Follow @GarianaAbeyta on Twitter. Or else.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

My Favorite Funniest Tweets Of 2010

Many of these went right into my act. And? It's a lot easier to pick jokes from others than to choose your own.

**Never brag that you can get ready in 2 minutes. Someone will see you later and say, What happened, you look like you got ready in 2 minutes.

**MTV has a new reality show called "I Used To Be Fat." I'm going to pitch them my reality show, "I Used To Watch MTV."

**Cops celebrating Christmas at a Mexican restaurant = Police Navidad.

**Today I got up on the wrong side of the floor.

**I've always lied about my age. Even when I was 2 I said I hadn't been born yet.

**My girlfriend lied to me and said she and her new boyfriend hadn't had sex yet. Please, I was driving the car.

**Costco changed their layout. What used to take me an hour to find I'm now just going to learn to live without.

**I'd like to hear the dinner table talk at Chris Martin's house: "Gwyneth, I'm the fucking singer."

**I hate it when you walk into those Spanish language classes and the teacher says Hola! Like we're all supposed to know what that means.

**I was talking to a guy at a bar and used the word germane and he said, “I don’t think the Germans pronounce the e.

**Our family crest is 4 people clutching dead memories and daring the others to let go first.

**I moved far away from my parents because they're annoying. When I meet the person who invented the telephone I will kill them.

**Never keep your flashlight and your vibrator in the same drawer because eventually? One night you're going to be very disappointed.

**I know it's football season but the only thing I know about sports is that OJ was guilty.

**The greatest thing about an earthquake warning is that there's really no reason to dust.

**This month is National Month Awareness Month.

**People think California never suffers from weather but today we're under a DQ Blizzard warning.

**I'm going to lie down and watch movies all day. Not sure the people at the Multiplex are going to be thrilled about that.

**My sister is so addicted to exercise she joined a 12 step program. I don't think it's working because now she's up to 24 steps.

**By the time I get back to a size 4 all the clothes in my closet will be vintage.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

My Favorite 10 Funniest Tweets Of 2010 That Are Not Mine

It's more like 17 tweets but a Top 17 List doesn't have the same ring to it. These were the tweets that made me laugh last year. As always, your mileage may vary.

@thezeroboss I hate being ordered around. And yet, I became a parent.

@Carabee I think Justin Bieber's hair is on backwards.

@johnfugelsang As of now BP has failed so many times NBC wants to offer them the 11:30pm slot.

@bortflancrest Is it normal for your right testicle to be larger than your other two?

@DanaJGould I got mugged by a toddler. I was walking down an alley when someone grabbed me by the knee and said, "Don't scweam."

@SamGrittner My wedding will be open casket.

@kellyoxford Justin Bieber just compared himself to Kurt Cobain. When Kurt Cobain finds out, he's totally going to kill himself.

@Neilochka If the Jews really ran CNN, it wouldn't be such a boring channel.

@AnnaLefler: I want to seize the day. I really do. If only the day would come over here by the recliner where I could reach it.

@RobSprance: A Hyundai should not cost $399 a month unless it comes with a BMW.

@CleverTitleTK It's starting to depress me how far I have to scroll back to find my birth year in drop down menus.

@lehmannchris It just seems cruel for California to vote Jerry Brown back in as governor without also legalizing pot.

@AdInsanitum Christian bands: If you didn't suck, you'd be known as "bands".

@badbanana If Santa knows who's being bad, maybe he could have given us a heads-up during the early planning stages of the Holocaust.

@zeldman Overheard: "I didn't mind the pat-down, but then he whispered 'Say my name.'"

@MarinkaNYC I don't want to say that my husband takes a long time to cook dinner, but if he were preparing The Last Supper, Jesus would still be alive.

@Joan_Rivers Jane Fonda sent me a copy of her new exercise DVD. It’s a workout for old people—for cardio you dig your own grave.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Look Like A Model But Only If You Buy My Shirt

This month's Teeshirter is just in time for the New Year's Resolution you're going to try and blow off. To lose weight, start exercising and other 4 letter words.
I've met a handful of bloggers in real life but always with trepidation. Will they lend me money? Will they look good standing next to me? Are they going to steal my essence?

I first met January's Teeshirter when she came down to southern California to audition for Oprah's new network, OWN. During the afternoon we spent together she misplaced her camera, I MISPLACED MY CAR, and she talked herself out of a $300 hair straightening device while being aided and abetted by my very aggressive eye rolling. She found the camera and she found my car and left L.A. with curly hair.

If you're looking for support in losing weight, check out her website and like her on Facebook. She's also on Twitter!

And no, this is not what she looks like.