I Sent My Only Child To Live In Vegas Because My Apartment Was Too Crowded

I've showcased a lot of my Teeshirters on this blog and have loved them all because you guys are really creative. I keep saying I'm going to post them all and let people vote on their favorites but I'd have to make one of those Brady Bunch slash Hollywood Squares graphics and put pictures in them and oh my God I'm exhausted just typing it.

Here's another Teeshirter currently riding my sidebar:

When I was moving a year ago, I realized I had too much stuff and had no idea where it all came from because I certainly had nothing to do with it. As I slowly began packing in the months leading up to the move I knew there would have to be casualties. And one of them was this.

I posted a picture of him and my old friend Chandler said it reminded him of the one he had when he was a child. I wrote back and asked if I could send it to him and he said yes.

I had one condition, that he had to take a photo of him wearing my tee shirt and send it to me. THAT WAS A YEAR AGO.

I just received the picture last week.

I've known Chandler since 1999. We were both members of a Usenet message board for standup comics. Blogs are not nearly as entertaining as Usenet was. Bloggers play it safe. Never rocking the boat hard enough to lose an oar. But on Usenet? HOLD ON TO YOUR VAGINAS, PEOPLE.

When Usenet discontinued message boards because blogs were getting so popular, (oy) most of us reluctantly moved on. I went on to screenwriting and so did Chandler. Eventually he moved to Las Vegas and got a Master's Degree in Thanking Sweet Jesus He Left L.A.

Why is the bear wearing a shirt with Teddy Soro on it? Because when I was a kid I'd named him Teddy when I got him for Christmas one year. Apparently my imagination got lost when I checked out of my mother's uterus. You know how you always forget something when you're in a hurry.

Chandler made the shirt for Teddy. And artfully arranged my shirt behind the bear. See? Creative, every last one of you.

Is it just me or does it look like Teddy put on some weight?

It Took Columbus Less Time To Discover America Than It Took This Person To Take A Picture Of Herself Wearing My Tee Shirt

She's had the shirt since August. Of 2011. How do I know that's how long she's had it? I hand delivered it to her. In San Diego. San Diego, California. I'd like to say I made the trip from LA to SD expressly for this purpose but that would be a lie. There was BlogHer Adjacent going on and she graciously invited me to sleep in her garage.

Another lie.

In her well appointed and spacious spare bedroom. I stole nothing. But there's always a next time.

I'm beginning to think the wait was worth it because she appears younger and younger in each new picture I see of her. Naturally I call bullshit.

When I wrote her and demanded to know how she was accomplishing this she replied that all her kids were now OUT OF THE HOUSE, except for one piece of cake child, a girl (a beautiful girl) who gives this mom of 4 zero trouble. She thinks she's finally able to relax after 86 years of child rearing. I may be off on that number.

I'm pretty sure you all read this blogger already but if you don't, start. And if you leave her a comment please ask her to run for Congress. We need more women running things THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE RUN. i.e. unlike a man.

And if there's anyone who could whip Congress into shape, this woman could.

Why Does Everyone Look Better Than Me?

I'm always happy when I get an email from someone who wants to buy a tee shirt. Especially a person I didn't force to buy one, like most of the other people who bought them under duress.

This is Tricia, also known as Sassy Pants Momma.  She has the funniest tag line of any blog I've ever read. 

The most annoying thing about this tee shirt is that it looks good on everyone but me. It even looks better on the assorted dogs, Elmo's and mannequins that people have sent in. I'd like to say it's because my enormous rack stretches it out and makes me look like I have porn star 44 GG's but having seen some of the racks under some of these Teeshirters, that's a lie. Not that I've actually seen these racks in the flesh. Purely over the shirt speculation when I drive by their homes and look inside with my binoculars.

I forgot where that sentence was going and should call out a search party on it.

Tricia's up on my sidebar where she will stay until someone else sends in a picture of them wearing it JUGGLING JENN I'M TALKING TO YOU. I hope you have a good book, Tricia, you're going to be there for a while.

After Everyone Has Talked About BlogHer, I Get Around To It

When I went to BlogHer in the beginning of August, I didn't really go to BlogHer. If you know me at all, I'm not much of a joiner or a follower. I'm kind of a loner which is, I believe, how serial killers get started.

So I made up something called BlogHer Adjacent. A send-up of what people who live heartbeats away from Beverly Hills call where they live, Beverly Hills Adjacent. They made up that name rather than admit they didn't make the cutoff to 90210.

So I tweeted that I'd be in the lobby of the Marriott Hotel from 2 pm until late that evening on the Saturday of BlogHer and asked people to DM me their cell phone numbers. And they did. Poor bastards didn't even see it coming.

I met some of my favorite people, bloggers I'm sure you know and love. Well, at least know.

Like these people and these people and her and these people (plus the back of Jenn's head which I forgot to note in the original picture. She was also my gracious host on Friday night and let me sleep in her guest room). I also met her and these people. And this duo, one of whom I picked up at LAX the Tuesday before BlogHer. Don't you hate people who link like this? People tell me not to do it this way because it drives traffic away from my site. Please, there are plenty of things that drive traffic away from my site without obnoxious linking.

This photo was taken at the table I commandeered in front of the Marriott Starbucks. I looked up to see someone crossing the lobby wearing my tee shirt and couldn't believe it. Then I recognized her from her blog.

When I asked her why she was wearing my shirt she replied that everything else was dirty. SO FLATTERED.

She bought a tee shirt a long time ago and never sent me a picture of herself wearing it. Turns out she didn't realize the upside to buying a shirt was a link on my sidebar and the opportunity to be seen by tens of people.

Since I've been so late posting this, I decided to leave her picture and link to her blog up until I sell another shirt, or get a few of the people who already have shirts to send in their pictures.

Cough cough Vodkamom.

Her blog is funny. You should read it. She free-associates like no one else.

If You're A Las Vegan Does That Mean You Gamble But Don't Eat Meat?

I'm thrilled this person bought one of my teeshirts. (And no, it's not the dog) (although the day dogs learn to shop I'm going to buy one) (for food shopping)  He's been a faithful follower and commenter for years and I’m so happy to shout him out.

He's a computer programmer who lives in Sin City, Las Vegas. I've always wondered if Las Vegans hate the term "Sin City" as much as New Yorkers hate "The Big Apple." L.A. is "The City of Angels" or as one online article called it, "The City of Angles." If you ever see anyone doing geometry in Los Angeles, rest assured it's only because they missed their connecting flight to China and are not trying to show us up. (maybe)

This is his dog Buster. Buster’s 21 years old, only has one eye and due to cataracts is almost blind in the other. He’s almost deaf as well, but still navigates around their house fine. They hear him wandering down the hall, bumping from one wall to the other hitting his head as he walks – thump – thump – thump – until he finds them.

Which reminds me of my youth and the many drunken nights I spent with people whose names I can't remember.

Ah, the good ole days.

And She Loves Steve Martin!

Remember when all your new friends came from blogging? Facebook and Twitter have changed that.
And that's how March's Teeshirter and I crossed paths. Twitter.

I'd been reading this blog for years and so had this person. When one person follows you on Twitter, all their readers eventually start following you and vice versa. Your circle of friends balloons exponentially and soon you're up to your eyeballs in a whole new set of friends.

Then these three people mentioned above entered the Erma Bombeck Writing Contest and the global winner? Right here on this page.

In December she bought a tee shirt but Pay Pal never sent me the notification. She wrote me and I drove the tee shirt over to the Valley, which is only about 20 minutes from my place. We had coffee and ran into this guy from NBC Dateline TV. Not so much *ran into* as me motioning him with my finger to come over to us.

Josh Mankiewicz from Dateline NBC.

Then a psycho guy kept staring at me and I forced this poor woman to accompany me to the ladies room so the guy wouldn't attempt to bother me. I'm very mature and enjoy reliving junior high every chance I get.

So tonight, in an effort to distract me from what's going on in my life, (that I can't talk about), she's taking me to see Joan Rivers.

DO YOU SEE WHY I LOVE TWITTER? Now go follow her blog. And follow her on Twitter too!

A New Drinking Game For Drinkers Who Drink

I've known this month's Teeshirter for a long time. We've even talked on the phone. I love her stories about her husband, the perfectionist. He weighs his hamburgers before he barbecues them. Why? So they all come out the same size and fit nicely into a bun. OCD or GENIUS? He also makes a bed with hospital corners and arranges everything so it looks like their son lives in a hotel. I wasn't sure this was a bad thing so I asked her how she made the bed and she replied, "You know, like a normal person."

If you follow her on twitter or on her own blog, you'll notice a lot of references to the Alcoholic Beverage. She and her friends have never met a cocktail they didn't like. You can get drunk just reading her posts and frankly, who doesn't love a cheap high like that? Every time you find a post where the word "drink" appears you get to do a shot!

So go, read. But first get out the ice trays.

Look Like A Model But Only If You Buy My Shirt

This month's Teeshirter is just in time for the New Year's Resolution you're going to try and blow off. To lose weight, start exercising and other 4 letter words.
I've met a handful of bloggers in real life but always with trepidation. Will they lend me money? Will they look good standing next to me? Are they going to steal my essence?

I first met January's Teeshirter when she came down to southern California to audition for Oprah's new network, OWN. During the afternoon we spent together she misplaced her camera, I MISPLACED MY CAR, and she talked herself out of a $300 hair straightening device while being aided and abetted by my very aggressive eye rolling. She found the camera and she found my car and left L.A. with curly hair.

If you're looking for support in losing weight, check out her website and like her on Facebook. She's also on Twitter!

And no, this is not what she looks like.

It's A Dog's Life

December's featured Teeshirter** is Molly Campbell. No, this is not a picture of Molly. Or if it is she needs to change her avatar and admit she doesn't have opposable thumbs and is typing with a spoon handle. This is her dog, Stirrup.

I met Molly back in 1989, or maybe it was October. She was visiting Los Angeles and invited me to have dinner with her daughter and her daughter's friends. I had a terrific evening and knew I wanted to spend more time with her and not only because she borrowed a large sum of money from me and I thought I'd never see her again.

It's funny how you can *know* someone online, in this case from blogging and Twitter, and you picture them a certain way. Molly is very, very tall. I don't know why but I'm always surprised when I meet a tall woman. Unless I'm at a WNBA game and then no.

Molly not only blogs but is a very popular person on Twitter. More popular than me which I find annoying only kidding Molly please don't stand close to me and glower down like that thank you. So check out her funny blog and follow her on Twitter and once again, if you're not on Twitter yet. Groan.

In other news Kindle listed their top 100 blogs in the Humor Category and I made the top 10. Go take a look at their list; you'll recognize a lot of your favorite bloggers.

In the last week of November Twitter sent me a notice that my ranking was 572 in the U.S. But based on your score, ratings go up and down every week. And what goes up? Usually taps you on the shoulder in the middle of the night and wants sex.

**You can be a Teeshirter too! Buy a shirt on my sidebar and I'll leave your link and picture up for a month. Only $20.00 no shipping and handling. My first opening is March of 2011 so buy a shirt, take a picture of you or your dog or your lasagna wearing it and send it in as soon as you can to reserve your spot. Also send lasagna.

It's Baby E Day!

If you don't know who Baby E is then you're not reading another one of the most popular blogs around. It seems all the people who buy my shirts have terrific blogs with lots of fans so that means, well, I'm not sure what that means but I'm glad they found me. And more importantly, gave me money.

Go check out this blogger's followers and the number of comments she gets. Don't look for comments from me over there since it appears I'm unable to do it correctly. I've apparently gone blind from counting all my money.

And she's on Twitter (because I made her) and Tumblr (I didn't make her) so she's obviously a genius. Also, her husband reads my blog but I can't figure out if he's single or not because she won't tell me.

Isn't Baby E one cute looking kid? I think he's going to be a big star if he'll just listen to me and get on a bus to Hollywood. But first he has to go through his father's wallet and his mother's purse because I like expensive restaurants. I mean, really good private schools for kids.

Usually I wrap up each teeshirter post with a little bit of what's going on chez moi but my mother is still visiting from Paris so parts of my brain are missing and presumed dead.

End of chat.

Fall In Love With This Guy

Since I began the Teeshirter Program, not to be confused with The Betty Ford Center Program, in March of 2010, I've been surprised by what readers send in for their month riding shotgun on my sidebar.

This month is no different.

David McGrievey, the extremely popular blogger from An Illustrated Life, or as I like to refer to him, That Guy Who Draws Stuff Without Photoshop Unlike Other Bloggers Who Shall Remain Nameless, took time out from his very busy schedule of bar-hopping in the east village and making fun of badly dressed people in Bloomingdale's to draw me this:

I hope you're impressed.

I was.

Want your own free month of advertising that's not really free because you have to buy a shirt? Then click on the sidebar and order one. I'm currently booked through December so January is open.

If you're bored with old school blogging try the more fun blogging platform, Tumblr. I've started a blog over there on all things standup and other bloggers like Web Savvy Mom, Juli Ryan and Aunt Becky are over there too. It takes seconds to start your own and it's so idiot proof you can make your own template, change colors, load videos and pictures and just about anything else in no time at all. And the best thing about it? NO COMMENTS REQUIRED. And no one puts up long-ass posts about growing heirloom tomatoes or their vacation with pirates in Somalia, although I might actually read that.

The internet world has moved on. Again.

End of chat.

Nothing Comes Between Me And My Sister

Sisters. Wearing my tee shirt!


You'll recognize this sister because she just returned to the United States after being an Expat. This sister has always been Stateside. When Stateside got a shirt I threw in an extra one for Expat since they were going to meet up and Stateside was going to rub it in that she had a shirt and Expat didn't.

Because I have a sister I know how much fun it is to torture one.

*****

I've been threatening to write a post about Twitter but then realized there are Twitter Tutorials online if you use this new thing called Google.

And then I found this post by blogger and twitter user Molly Campbell and she sums up perfectly why those of us who use Twitter are so addicted to it.

Since I spend less time posting (FOUR YEARS OF BLOGGING, PEOPLE. FOUR YEARS) I've put some Twitter widgets on my sidebar so in case you drop by without calling first you'll have something to do while I finish putting on my makeup.

Up top is a Favorites widget. I put all the jokes I write, and sometimes what others write, but mainly me because I am a raging narcissist, and these change every week. Depending on how funny I am. And how funny others are, but mainly me because I am still, at the end of this paragraph, a raging narcissist.

At the bottom I've added a Twitpic widget. That's the platform that allows you to post your pictures to Twitter. Click on a picture and it will take you to my photos and you can flip through them.

So even when I'm not here? I'm here.

And in short doses! Win win!

I Can Make Anyone Taller And Thinner

Say hello to August's Teeshirter!

Due to my exceptional html skills, I shrink the pictures people send me. And this ex-pat looks normal here but I've given her a body makeover on my sidebar.

If you're sending me a picture of yourself wearing my tee, do us both a favor and make it 200 px x 317 px. I wish I knew exactly what that meant but I don't and many bloggers have had to pay the price in weight loss, height gain and overall cropping of the most important part of their picture. Save the insults for when you go to church.

Is It Warm In Here Or Is It Just A Hot Flash Going Off?

The Universe is punishing me for being lazy. After mentioning in my last post that YOU HAD TO LEAVE YOUR EMAIL IN THE COMMENT ITSELF SO THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO TRACK IT DOWN IN YOUR BLOG, the one person who did not do that - ALICE - won the bloody shoes!!

(Email me, Alice, and send me your snail mail so I can send you the shoes. I'm not really mad.) (Much)

Anyway, next week? Another pair of shoes.

***********

I love the creativity of all you Teeshirters. It's July and I finally gots me a man!

Casey Freeland can be found writing over here. Or catch up with him on Facebook. He's been a faithful reader and for that alone he should get an award. Oh wait, he did. MY TEESHIRT!

If you want a month's free advertising on my sidebar, just buy a shirt. And even though that doesn't make the advertising free, it's almost free because really, $20.00 for an entire month?

And to think I'm fighting with the state of California because they think I have a job and make money off it. Yeah, $240 a year is a windfall, California. Better get on that Taxing Trolley and roll down my way. You can't miss me; I'm the one living on the sidewalk. With a sign that says:

"Will Blog for Nothing. Oh Wait, I Already Am."

Even though I don't drink I feel drunk.

Sometimes You Get To Meet A Saint

June's teeshirt model is one of the nicest people I've met through my blog. To qualify for a month's advertising, you have to send me a picture of you with my tee. Don't worry what it looks like, or what you look like. I've loved them all. Some of you, like this person, give a clue to their identity in their picture. Clever.

The sooner you send me your picture the earlier in the year you appear. Unlike my blog, this sidebar tee shirt thing has been popular. I'm booked through October.

I Don't Think They Understood The Assignment

When someone gets one of my tee shirts I ask them to take a picture of themselves and send it to me so I can stick them on my sidebar for a month of free advertising.

Some people apparently don't understand what I mean when I say "picture of themselves." Like this person, although to be fair they may not have looked in a mirror recently.
So if you want to get a month's free advertising then buy a teeshirt! Although it's obviously not totally free advertising since the teeshirt cost $20.00 and you have to buy it. Unless you want to try and steal it then good luck with that.

She Might Be In Witness Protection

This was not an easy photo to take. Pippi had two fingers in a light socket to get her hair just *so* and yet was able to take this picture at the same time. She's just that talented. Go see for yourself.

Welcome to my sidebar Pippi! Try not to steal anything.

A New Feature! On My Blog! Not Porn!

I'm highlighting bloggers who have one of my tee-shirts. Each of their pictures and a link to their blog will be on my sidebar for a month so don't tell me you have no time to read them because ONE MONTH.

First up is Kimber. I love her blog and she has a huge following so go be part of the mad rush to worship her. You're welcome.