Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It's A Dog's Life

December's featured Teeshirter** is Molly Campbell. No, this is not a picture of Molly. Or if it is she needs to change her avatar and admit she doesn't have opposable thumbs and is typing with a spoon handle. This is her dog, Stirrup.

I met Molly back in 1989, or maybe it was October. She was visiting Los Angeles and invited me to have dinner with her daughter and her daughter's friends. I had a terrific evening and knew I wanted to spend more time with her and not only because she borrowed a large sum of money from me and I thought I'd never see her again.

It's funny how you can *know* someone online, in this case from blogging and Twitter, and you picture them a certain way. Molly is very, very tall. I don't know why but I'm always surprised when I meet a tall woman. Unless I'm at a WNBA game and then no.

Molly not only blogs but is a very popular person on Twitter. More popular than me which I find annoying only kidding Molly please don't stand close to me and glower down like that thank you. So check out her funny blog and follow her on Twitter and once again, if you're not on Twitter yet. Groan.

In other news Kindle listed their top 100 blogs in the Humor Category and I made the top 10. Go take a look at their list; you'll recognize a lot of your favorite bloggers.

In the last week of November Twitter sent me a notice that my ranking was 572 in the U.S. But based on your score, ratings go up and down every week. And what goes up? Usually taps you on the shoulder in the middle of the night and wants sex.

**You can be a Teeshirter too! Buy a shirt on my sidebar and I'll leave your link and picture up for a month. Only $20.00 no shipping and handling. My first opening is March of 2011 so buy a shirt, take a picture of you or your dog or your lasagna wearing it and send it in as soon as you can to reserve your spot. Also send lasagna.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Stupids Get A Headache

My head hurts.

You should take aspirin.

It feels like it's going to explode.

Or Aleve.

My eyeballs hurt.

Advil is good too.

Maybe it's a brain tumor.

Probably just a migraine.

But it could be a brain tumor.

Yes, I suppose it could.

Oh my God you think I have a brain tumor?

I'm not a doctor.

Oh my God I have a brain tumor!

If it's that bad you should go to the Emergency Room.

What if I'm dying?

We're all dying.

But I'm dying faster because of my brain tumor.

I thought this was just a headache.

I didn't want to worry my family and friends.

So you've already seen a doctor?


I think you should go to a doctor just to be safe.

My jeans are so tight they're hurting my legs.

Maybe they have a brain tumor.

For Stupid People When The Rainbow Isn't Enuf

Humans can be stupid. We're especially stupid when things go wrong. When things go very, very wrong, we're the Nobel Prize winners of Stupid.

If you've ever caught yourself responding like THEM, congratulations, Oslo is on line 2.

I'm really sick.

THEM:You should see a doctor.

I don't have insurance.

THEM:You should get some.

I'm broke.

THEM:You should get a job.

I'm bored.

You should do something.

I'm so tired.

THEM:You should sleep.

I'm hungry.

THEM:You should eat.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Really, you should eat.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I Don't Want To Get Married But You Go Ahead

People always ask me why I never got married. When they do, I look up long enough from counting my stacks of money to laugh. Then I put on my diamonds and furs and ring for the butler and he rings for the chauffeur and soon I'm in my Maybach heading for another fun day at the plastic surgeons.

And I don't have to check with anybody and can spend my money however I want which does not include having to buy a new hot water heater and other things I can't wear.

The truth is, I don't play well with others. Apparently marriage requires sharing and compromise. What kind of living hell is that? And if you're married you can't go to bed mad? THAT'S JUST CRAZY TALK. I wasn't aware there was another way to go to bed.

The real story is that I've had trouble with men from the moment I started dating. My first boyfriend got hit by a truck. My second boyfriend had a heart attack. My third boyfriend called me up one day and said, “You know what, I think you’re a jinx." And I said, “How do you figure?” But then the phone went dead because you’re only allowed ten minute calls from prison.

I don't do domestic. Unless that includes hiring them and then I'm the valedictorian of domestic. As a matter of fact the first thing I look for is a man who cooks, because I don’t. I’ll eat out, I’ll take out, I’ll put out. But I ain't cooking. When I get my dream house, I’m not even going to build a kitchen. I’m going to put a KFC in on the ground floor.

Because I'm not a quitter, I've been engaged three times. The first time I bought a long white dress. The second time I bought a long off-white dress. The third time I just bought something I could return.

My first fiancé was in the Army. The Salvation Army. He was so immature that on April Fool's Day he put Polygrip in my diaphragm. I walked around all day sounding like a plunger.

One day he shaved his head.

"Why did you do that?"
"I'm trying to make my head look bigger."
"I wish you'd shave another part of your anatomy."

My second fiancé gave me a big diamond ring and I got him nothing. It's the only time in a relationship between a man and a woman where if you don't give, no one's going to call you frigid AND IT WAS ONLY THAT ONE TIME.

My third fiancé was twenty years older than me. When he took me to meet his parents I was very impressed and said, "Wow, this is a really nice cemetery."

Marriage scares me because I'm not sure people can be faithful to each other. If only we took a page from the animal kingdom. The bald eagle mates and remains faithful for life. Of course if he had some hair he'd probably be out screwing around.

So dear Becky, just because I'm not that brave, don't let that dissuade you RUN FOR YOUR LIFE from marrying the man of your dreams IT'S NOT TOO LATE I'M SURE THE CATERER WILL REFUND SOME OF THE MONEY and living the rest of your life in harmony and bliss I'M LYING and I wish you and Matt the very happiest parts of forever.

Poor bastards.

~For the full list of virtual bridesmaids***, please visit our creative ringleader, Ann.

~Everybody Can Bite Me Fridays is on hiatus because Ann made me do this today.

~Can someone point me to the buffet?

Crazy broads at
Mouthy HousewivesAnn at Annsrants
Lisa at Smacksy
Jessica at Bernthis
Ellie at OneCraftyMother
Amy at I Have More Rocks

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

L.A. Sign Of The Times #69

I found this CD of Vincent Van Go Go in a thrift store.

A. Who the hell are they and

B. doesn't that baby looked stoned?

Sunday, November 07, 2010

The Secret To A Long Life

In a study of people who live to be 100, researchers found they shared certain personality traits:

1. Generally extroverted and gregarious.

"Dear God I'll be dead in 5 years."

2. Have a stable social network.

"Maybe 4."

3. Don't bemoan life's difficulties.

"3 years, tops."

4. Have mastered the art of letting go.

"Definitely 2."

5. The majority were in decades-long relationships and had only kissed one person their entire lives.

"I won't make it to 5 p.m. Wednesday"

End of chat.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

L.A. Sign Of The Times #68

Click on the label at the end of this post to see the entire series of photos. Unless you're busy and then never mind.

Monday, November 01, 2010

It's Baby E Day!

If you don't know who Baby E is then you're not reading another one of the most popular blogs around. It seems all the people who buy my shirts have terrific blogs with lots of fans so that means, well, I'm not sure what that means but I'm glad they found me. And more importantly, gave me money.

Go check out this blogger's followers and the number of comments she gets. Don't look for comments from me over there since it appears I'm unable to do it correctly. I've apparently gone blind from counting all my money.

And she's on Twitter (because I made her) and Tumblr (I didn't make her) so she's obviously a genius. Also, her husband reads my blog but I can't figure out if he's single or not because she won't tell me.

Isn't Baby E one cute looking kid? I think he's going to be a big star if he'll just listen to me and get on a bus to Hollywood. But first he has to go through his father's wallet and his mother's purse because I like expensive restaurants. I mean, really good private schools for kids.

Usually I wrap up each teeshirter post with a little bit of what's going on chez moi but my mother is still visiting from Paris so parts of my brain are missing and presumed dead.

End of chat.