Saturday, April 28, 2012

More Things I Did That Should Have Been An Instant Alert To My Parents. But Was Not.

Studies show that if a child is given a box of crayons, the first color they choose is yellow. And then they draw a big sun. That must be a normal kid.

I was offered a box of crayons and chose red. And then used it to destroy the dreaded middle initial often found after a person's first name in a book of children's stories.
I had nothing against middle names because I left them all intact. But middle initials? What kind of monster doesn't write out his middle name?

Robert E. Lee
William H. Macy
John F. Kennedy
George C. Scott
Booker T. Washington
Susan B. Anthony
Michael J. Fox


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Breaking (Up) Bad 3

This is the third installment of reader submitted Breaking Up stories from hell. If you have one, send it to me at the email found in my profile on the sidebar. Under 500 words and you can remain anonymous, as the reader below did.

There are times when a person wants out of a relationship but doesn't want to do the actual breaking up. What they'll do is manipulate the other person into breaking up with them. It's human nature, at least I think it is. I’m not proud to admit it, but I've done it…more than once. So I wasn’t surprised when karma caught up with me and a woman got me to break up with her. What's remarkable is how she did it: By describing how she ended a relationship with another guy.

A little history: This was not the healthiest of relationships. I’ve been an alcoholic all of my adult life. It’s never done me any good and about 10 years ago, I hit absolute bottom. The only choice I had was to get sober.

I’d put together about 8 months of sobriety and got a new job. I pretty much felt like I had my problem solved. A ridiculous set of circumstances led me to a bar in a trendy part of town. Of course I started drinking. I also struck up a conversation with a cute woman that was there.

We hit it off immediately. We shared a lot of interests: Books, music, movies. Beer. We started seeing each other every day. We drank every day. We had fantastic, amazing drunken sex. We had deep philosophical debates about fictional characters and history. We took turns outdrinking each other. We went everywhere together, drank everywhere together, and usually ended up banging each other in the washroom or alley or backyard.

She was the woman of my dreams.

But I was a little more serious about the ‘relationship’ than she was. Even though we never had time for anyone else, she didn’t “commit” to the relationship other than physically. She never came out and said it: I was head over heels for her but she didn’t share those emotions. I was a fuck who always paid the bar tab.

Not that I really minded, until she started quietly distancing herself from me. It started with a day or two apart. Sometimes she’d pay more attention to other guys at the bar. Sometimes she’d blatantly flirt.

Soon, we had THE TALK. I asked what this thing really was. I got the strangest response. It wasn’t an “I’m telling you my deepest darkest secret to emotionally open up to you” response. It felt like a prepared speech. Or a threat.

“Let me tell you a story. When I was younger, I spent the Summer with my mom down in Mexico. I started seeing this guy. One night we got into an argument and I decided I needed to break it off. A bus was getting ready to leave. So I got on the bus. With fifteen guys.”

“…And I couldn’t walk for three days after.”

Of course I told her it didn’t matter. Of course, it did. I couldn’t take it mentally. It was like a ricochet in my brain that I’d never be able to forget, and I’m positive that’s exactly what it was supposed to be. I broke up about a week later.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Breaking (Up) Bad 2

My college boyfriend, who still remains the most attractive person I've ever been with, was very religious. Think newly evangelical Christian who was rebaptized at 19 but had a 16 year old knocked up sister. I grew up in Chicago as a chreaster (Xmas/Easter attendance) with gay friends and a long since misplaced virginity. A match made in heaven.

I gave up sex for love. A terribly illogical sentiment in retrospect. However oral was a plentiful. Condoned by Jesus and Bill Clinton (a winning combo) that was deemed acceptable. I swallowed more semen in that relationship than ever before (or since, my poor husband).

That was until one day on a bus when my boyfriend had a spiritual revelation and decided that he was possessed by demons which is what allowed him to be so sexually impure. So he broke up with me AND THEN HAD AN EXORCISM.

Let me tell you, the phone call where your boyfriend breaks up with you because of demons and then tells you he had an exorcism is a memorable one. Not great for the old ego.

Some how we got back together a few months later because I was "in love" or perhaps brainwashed. Wearing a gorgeous short pink dress I was apparently irresistible, that or the demons were back. We broke up again as he couldn't be around me and control himself and I finally got with the program (reality) and realized that college was for sex and drinking not bible study.

While I didn't get an invitation for the exorcism, probably in fear that I would set a flame upon entering the Christian College he attended in rural Minnesota, I was given a description of how it went down. Apparently, his friends "laid hands upon him" and chanted biblical verses and this removed the demons. No candlelight, holy water, or head spinning vomit. If they had followed the movie closer perhaps we wouldn't have gotten back together.

He married an ugly girl which pleases me.

(You can read this contributor's blog here

Friday, April 20, 2012

L.A. Sign Of The Times #99

Like every single site on the web, Blogger has changed their format, and just like all the others, NOT FOR THE BEST. They've taken away the option to upload larger pictures, which I did before by switching back and forth from their new editor to the old one. I guess they didn't want all their space used up for free.

This smaller format really makes this huge apartment building look like a doll house. THANKS FOR NOTHING BLOGGER.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Breaking (Up) Bad

I've been asked to put together bad (or funny) (or tragic) breakup stories in the hopes something might come of it. So if you have one, send it to my email (in my profile). Under 500 words. No restrictions whatsoever.

Here's the first one from Birgen, 19.  No, you don't have to reveal your age, real name or the names of any of the people who trashed your heart unless you want to.

Vince was a handsome 6'7" linebacker. I had an internship at a church the summer before we met and I introduced him at a church service to my friend Annie, another intern. Annie was kind of a granola-lesbian-man-hands-short-hair-christian kind of girl so I figured I had nothing to worry about. Yeah they ended up having sex not long after. And I was really hot back then... WHYYYYYYY

Aaron broke up with me on our 10 month anniversary at Olive Garden because he said he was afraid of commitment and that 10 months was getting too serious. I found out a few weeks later that he had been cheating on me with a girl named Katie. This was over 3 years ago. Aaron and Katie are still dating. Real commitment-phobe...

and my favorite

Tommy was a schizophrenic drug addict! (How could this go wrong?!) He had to go to treatment and I went to visit him every day. We had agreed to be on friendship terms at this point because a relationship would be hard for him to focus on in treatment. One day we were in his hospital room and he kept trying to kiss me. I said no because he was the one who really wanted to be just friends, and he replied by saying that he was in love with me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I said "are you sure?" and he said "yes." He told me he loved me and would never hurt me just so he could get laid. Sooooo things happened (he had a private room) and then visiting hours were over.

Literally, just made it out of the parking lot, and Tommy calls me from the hospital phone and said he had changed his mind and that he didn't want to date me anymore. I was an absolute wreck knowing that I was used for my body like that. My emotions got the best of my driving abilities and I ran a red light with a cop behind me. Got pulled over, he asked for my license and I was so out of it and bawling so hard that I gave him my credit card.

He goes "Jesus, just go home." I did and then I drank a lot of wine with my cat.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Some People Wish Their Dogs Were Thinner

I'm working on Jessica Bern's new TV web series Blog This and today's shoot was at the lovely home of the director's brother, who lives in Studio City, which is part of Los Angeles. But is in the dreaded 818 area code known as The Valley. L.A. is all snobby about area codes. Well, mainly I'm all snobby about area codes. No one else gives a shit. (everyone in LA gives a shit ) (about things like where to get a nice tofu dinner) (people in LA are annoying) (i'm not) (mostly)

Anyway, the director's brother has 3 dogs and this is the sign that's posted for their feeding. Apparently the one named Ziggy has a problem with eating food too fast.

How much do we love Ziggy?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Blog This - The Sitcom

Last night was the first table read for Jessica Bern's web series on First Run TV called Blog This. At a table read, the script is read out loud and changes are made, words are added, sentences are dropped. And even though the director wasn't there last night, most table reads include the director, who tells you what to do, or not do, and they usually 86 the piece of business that you thought was genius. Muttering under your breath is popular at table reads.

Here is Jess and Jeff, who plays her best friend on the show:

Here's the main cast. Maybe by the end of the shoot I'll remember everyone's name. But more likely than not I'll be calling everyone *darling* because it's the one Hollywood affectation that actually comes in handy when you're working with a big group of people. However, people will then yell at you and say, "YOU STILL DON'T KNOW MY NAME?" And then I'll say, "No darling, sorry."

Then I'll duck because a water bottle will probably be hurtling towards my head.

I play Nancy, the handyman. And I'm not saying handywoman because I still call flight attendants stewardesses. Yes, even the guy stewardesses.

Everyone in the cast is lovely and very funny and Jessica is the best audience in the world because she laughs at everyone and if you come up with a funnier line than she wrote? She'll use it.

We shoot this weekend and next weekend.

Stay tuned!

Monday, April 09, 2012

The Dog Who Needs A Pillow

I've met a lot of dogs in my life. And not just the human kind. But I've never met one who absolutely, positively HAS to have his head resting on something before he can fall asleep. This is Brady. I house sit for his parents, my friends, while they're out having a more exciting life than I am. Although I recently got a  pedicure so things are not entirely dull over here at 100 Dullsville Lane, Hollywood, California.

Sometimes Brady uses this pillow while it's vertical:

Sometimes he uses this black and white snuggie as a pillow:

Sometimes he uses the snuggie as a blankie while he rests his head (which I swear weighs 7 pounds) on the arm of the couch:

Sometimes he uses this Kreiss round pillow while he rests up from a day of staring at me:

Sometimes he goes into my room and drags his bed out into the living room. Even though he has an identical one IN the living room, somehow the one from my bedroom is more interesting.

Sometimes that vertical pillow slumps down enough to be used like a Pilate's slant board.

And sometimes he uses my body as a pillow.

Standard poodles are particularly strong and people mistake their expensive hair cuts (more than it costs to have mine cut) for a frilly dog. HA! They are pure muscle and can drag your ass after a bird at 15 miles an hour if they choose. This poodle loves everyone and when he jumps up to greet you with a kiss, he's 5'6". If he had a job I'd probably marry him.

They're also incredibly smart and hypo-allergenic, one of a very few breed of dog that does not shed. (Bichons and Katans also don't shed) I taught Brady how to get his own treats out of a bag.

The owners were thrilled.


I'm pretty sure this series of dog pictures guarantees me front runner status for indoctrination into the Dullards Hall of Fame.

Shut up.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

This Is One Of The Funniest Things I've Ever Written While Still Remaining Completely Obscure To Everyone But My Family

I'm a new contributor at and even though they regularly reprint my tweets, this is the first long form piece they published because I made them.

It's about the first time I had a 3 way.

Monday, April 02, 2012

L.A. Sign Of The Times #98

I love beautiful stemware and these belong to my friends, the people I house sit for. The picture doesn't do them justice but they are gorgeous in person.

My friend has impeccable taste and once Lindy was visiting me and picked up a fork I'd put on the counter. She lifted it and said, "This is amazing." I didn't bother to look until a few days later but the reason the silverware was so amazing was written on the backs of them. They were made by Ralph Lauren!