Monday, April 23, 2012

Breaking (Up) Bad 2

My college boyfriend, who still remains the most attractive person I've ever been with, was very religious. Think newly evangelical Christian who was rebaptized at 19 but had a 16 year old knocked up sister. I grew up in Chicago as a chreaster (Xmas/Easter attendance) with gay friends and a long since misplaced virginity. A match made in heaven.

I gave up sex for love. A terribly illogical sentiment in retrospect. However oral was a plentiful. Condoned by Jesus and Bill Clinton (a winning combo) that was deemed acceptable. I swallowed more semen in that relationship than ever before (or since, my poor husband).

That was until one day on a bus when my boyfriend had a spiritual revelation and decided that he was possessed by demons which is what allowed him to be so sexually impure. So he broke up with me AND THEN HAD AN EXORCISM.

Let me tell you, the phone call where your boyfriend breaks up with you because of demons and then tells you he had an exorcism is a memorable one. Not great for the old ego.

Some how we got back together a few months later because I was "in love" or perhaps brainwashed. Wearing a gorgeous short pink dress I was apparently irresistible, that or the demons were back. We broke up again as he couldn't be around me and control himself and I finally got with the program (reality) and realized that college was for sex and drinking not bible study.

While I didn't get an invitation for the exorcism, probably in fear that I would set a flame upon entering the Christian College he attended in rural Minnesota, I was given a description of how it went down. Apparently, his friends "laid hands upon him" and chanted biblical verses and this removed the demons. No candlelight, holy water, or head spinning vomit. If they had followed the movie closer perhaps we wouldn't have gotten back together.

He married an ugly girl which pleases me.

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