Friday, November 12, 2010

I Don't Want To Get Married But You Go Ahead

People always ask me why I never got married. When they do, I look up long enough from counting my stacks of money to laugh. Then I put on my diamonds and furs and ring for the butler and he rings for the chauffeur and soon I'm in my Maybach heading for another fun day at the plastic surgeons.

And I don't have to check with anybody and can spend my money however I want which does not include having to buy a new hot water heater and other things I can't wear.

The truth is, I don't play well with others. Apparently marriage requires sharing and compromise. What kind of living hell is that? And if you're married you can't go to bed mad? THAT'S JUST CRAZY TALK. I wasn't aware there was another way to go to bed.

The real story is that I've had trouble with men from the moment I started dating. My first boyfriend got hit by a truck. My second boyfriend had a heart attack. My third boyfriend called me up one day and said, “You know what, I think you’re a jinx." And I said, “How do you figure?” But then the phone went dead because you’re only allowed ten minute calls from prison.

I don't do domestic. Unless that includes hiring them and then I'm the valedictorian of domestic. As a matter of fact the first thing I look for is a man who cooks, because I don’t. I’ll eat out, I’ll take out, I’ll put out. But I ain't cooking. When I get my dream house, I’m not even going to build a kitchen. I’m going to put a KFC in on the ground floor.

Because I'm not a quitter, I've been engaged three times. The first time I bought a long white dress. The second time I bought a long off-white dress. The third time I just bought something I could return.

My first fiancé was in the Army. The Salvation Army. He was so immature that on April Fool's Day he put Polygrip in my diaphragm. I walked around all day sounding like a plunger.

One day he shaved his head.

"Why did you do that?"
"I'm trying to make my head look bigger."
"I wish you'd shave another part of your anatomy."

My second fiancé gave me a big diamond ring and I got him nothing. It's the only time in a relationship between a man and a woman where if you don't give, no one's going to call you frigid AND IT WAS ONLY THAT ONE TIME.

My third fiancé was twenty years older than me. When he took me to meet his parents I was very impressed and said, "Wow, this is a really nice cemetery."

Marriage scares me because I'm not sure people can be faithful to each other. If only we took a page from the animal kingdom. The bald eagle mates and remains faithful for life. Of course if he had some hair he'd probably be out screwing around.

So dear Becky, just because I'm not that brave, don't let that dissuade you RUN FOR YOUR LIFE from marrying the man of your dreams IT'S NOT TOO LATE I'M SURE THE CATERER WILL REFUND SOME OF THE MONEY and living the rest of your life in harmony and bliss I'M LYING and I wish you and Matt the very happiest parts of forever.

Poor bastards.

~For the full list of virtual bridesmaids***, please visit our creative ringleader, Ann.

~Everybody Can Bite Me Fridays is on hiatus because Ann made me do this today.

~Can someone point me to the buffet?

Crazy broads at
Mouthy HousewivesAnn at Annsrants
Lisa at Smacksy
Jessica at Bernthis
Ellie at OneCraftyMother
Amy at I Have More Rocks


  1. You had me at '..putting a KFC on the ground floor.'

    Our marriage?


  2. Sometimes you've got to go to bed mad just because everything looks better in the morning--and pissed, but rested is way better than pissed and tired.

  3. Anonymous6:41 AM

    I have a kitchen, but I don't cook in it. I'd like a Chick-fil-A in my next house if anyone's listening.

  4. This is 5 minutes right here. Add it to your act. Hilarious.

    Thanks for playing.

  5. Hysterical! Or, hersterical! Either way, perfect.

  6. I don't know, number three sounded like a real keeper...he already knows where the good cemetery is!
    (for when he dies, from the being old)

  7. Wow, with a toast like that who needs in-laws!

    Thanks for being a bloggy bridesmaid Suzy... xoxo!

  8. Your bald eagle line is brilliant.

  9. Oh, Holy Funniness! I, on the other hand, have the opposite problem. I've been married more than once (times a few). I tell everyone I am on the Elizabeth Taylor plan ...

  10. Where have you been all my life?

  11. This is perfection.

    This: "The bald eagle mates and remains faithful for life. Of course if he had some hair he'd probably be out screwing around." made me spit out my coffee.

    Polydrip on the diaphragm? GENIUS.


  12. Great post! Looks like you made the right decision not getting married. I reallly enjoyed this!

  13. Too funny. Makes me seriously reconsider going back out into "dating land".

  14. I knew yours would be hilarious and as usual you never disappoint.

    Where were you when I was saying "I do?" you know how fucking rich I'd be right now??

  15. LOVE this post, Suzy! I want to join your domestic class, it definitely sounds like the way to go. This cleaning all the time and the house always getting dirty again is for the fucking birds!

  16. You make quite a case....Ithink it's the image of counting stacks of money while draped in furs and dripping with diamonds.

  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

  18. ROFL! I love this...

  19. My wife's cousin has lived here in Vegas for a long time. Her husband built their last house with a big kitchen. They held their son's wedding celebration at the house, which we attended. They had lived in the house for seven years, and she asked my wife how to turn on the oven, as she had never cooked anything in that kitchen before. But they knew every buffet in Vegas.

  20. I wish I could see you doing these live in a show. They're hilarious just reading them, and I can only imagine the funny in person.

  21. From one happy unmarried to another, Bravo!

  22. since pepsi bought kfc, it's gone downhill... howsabout tony's pizza? :P lol

  23. This was brilliant. Hilarious. I would love to hear it performed live. *applause* *hysterical laughter* *wipes tears streaming down face* Just sooo good. Damn.

    Tina aka Three In The Bed

  24. Just read this again. So many great lines.

  25. Anonymous9:00 AM

    Marry me.
    X David

  26. You are hilarious and amazing. So glad I found your blog to follow. =]

  27. Of course that crazy perverted stalker Moooooog has taken what I wanted to say.

    Question: Do you eat the skin on your KFC chicken?

  28. Hilarious! I love anything that makes me laugh out loud when I'm alone in a room... I've been married 3 times, and never cooked a meal! :)

  29. Yay You! Missed not reading your funny for the past couple months. I hope all is well. I mean as good as it can be for someone with as many psychological problems as you have. :)



    P.S. - We can be faithful, but I'm not sure if that applies to Hollywood.

  30. I think you need to give the speech at people's weddings. Or engagement parties. Or just in general, you should be giving speeches. You and Fidel Castro, hours and hours of talking, but you'd be far more entertaining. And less hairy.

  31. Whoa there girlie, it's truly not that bad. If you find a good one you may surprise yourself, finding that it's not that you've been inflexible all these years, you've just been attracting the wrong guy. Next time somebody you wouldn't dream of..doing..approaches you, give him a shot. Start looking for the opposite of what you've been thinking you want/or don't want. You may even want to share your $$, or not.

  32. I'm mad all day, by bed time I'm usually over it. Usually.
    Too funny as usual!

  33. I never cared about marriage. Don't buy the 'Til Death Do You Part' bullshit. But I found a guy, who can cook, and doesn't mind that I can't... so far so good howevermany years later...

  34. Loved this!--hilarious! :)

    Thanks for stopping by my blog--I'll definitely be back here! :)

  35. Catching up on blog reading, since I am been changing diapers like crazy. Best post I have read in a long time. So awesome.

  36. I, like you, am a queen domestic. I hired a housekeeper. Because it's cheaper than marriage counseling.

    Hilarious. Congrats on the VOTY award.

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