The Top Ten Films of 2012

It's that time of the year, when my funny comedian friend - and hardcore cinephile - Gariana Abeyta makes her annual Top 10 Movies List before the Oscars:
"This year I missed a few major releases, which is very rare for me. (I had a serious bike wreck and lost four family members). I’ll catch them eventually and I’m sure I’ll be super pissed as one of them will probably shatter me and I’ll obsess for years about it not having a chance to be fairly included. So, this year’s list for the first time comes with apologies to those filmmakers and my fingers are crossed that your shit sucks so I can feel justified. No, seriously. I’m rooting against you so I don’t look bad.

A very bright spot this year was the launch of Soro’s book Celebrity Stalker, currently on the Kindle Best Seller List in Pop Culture. When I first met her she mentioned that her blog was there for one reason and one reason only. A book deal. You have to admire and address when somebody achieves a huge goal they have set for themselves like that. A very heartfelt congratulations to her and a very huge buy the fucking book to you. --Abeyta

P.S. Love you Soro, and thanks for having me back. These aren’t in any order and you should see everything on the honorable mention list as well."

Zero Dark Thirty – Kathryn Bigelow was the first female director to win the Oscar™ which she accomplished by beating out her ex-husband. You may actually never see a more perfect sentence in the English language.

Holy Motors – “Unless you don’t like angry boners.” This is a perfect example of why nobody has EVER used my reviews for poster blurbs.

The Raid: Redemption – “Unless you don’t like Asians throwing refrigerators at each other.” Example #2

Django Unchained – Seriously, is Quentin Tarantino the only person in Hollywood having any fun at all making movies? I wish I could have been in the room when he told Harvey Weinstein he was going to do a long, slow tracking shot on the bottom of Jamie Fox’s balls. QT is among a very elite handful of directors who can do anything they want and he chose that. Just ponder that for a moment will you…

The Master – I was asked what I thought Paul Thomas Anderson was trying to say with The Master I responded with, I think he was trying to say, “Hi, I’m Paul Thomas Anderson and I make great fucking movies.” Joaquin Phoenix was a lock for best actor until he told the Academy they were bullshit. They should have just told him, “Didn’t you change your name to Leaf Phoenix for awhile? That’s actually bullshit because it’s a verb! Your words don’t hurt Joaquin because it appears you don’t actually understand how they work!”

Argo – So, you ever watch a movie and then about 20 minutes in you really start hoping that nobody has sex? Ben Affleck’s portrayal of the 1970s was so accurate that I started having a panic attack because I just knew somebody was going to take his or her pants off and it was going to be horrible! All hairy and probably like a 90% chance that one of those weird rubbery girdle things would show up. Sorry about that Oscar™ snub Ben, but let’s look at the bright side. You made an incredible film and you were never named Leaf.

Compliance – All of the tension of Argo, with the added bonus of naked jumping jacks! With all of the science and modern grooming techniques of 2012 available! Thank you dear sweet baby Jesus in heaven for allowing the gratuitous nudity to show up in Compliance and not Argo! I loved this film because it made people angry. Apparently, the Sundance Q and A almost ended in a fight. The events of Compliance happened. You are really going to wish they hadn’t, but they did. You are desperately and hopelessly going to wish you were part of a better species, but you aren’t.

The Avengers - Oh, your top ten list has a documentary on the oppression of the rural native tribe of all female trout fishers that were lost when Krakatoa erupted in 1883? Well, good for you! My top 10 has a Hulk!

The Grey - Liam Neeson fist-fighting wolves. If that’s a sentence that doesn’t get you out of the house I hope you already signed up for a medical alert service and have all your affairs in order. You're obviously just counting your days left here and joy can no longer penetrate your cold dead cynical heart.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower – You will have to trust me on this one. A stunning film about growing up and finding your place in the world even though you are a misfit. The absolute joy that comes with knowing that even though you are more broken than most there is a place for you in this world and that place is as beautiful as any.

Tout aussi honoré films comprennent:

West of Memphis, Looper, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, Cabin in the Woods, Wreck it Ralph, Moonrise Kingdom, Klown, Rust and Bone.

Top 10 Movies of 2011

Every year my comedian and film critic friend Gariana Abeyta (that's her on the left, squinting through a rifle scope taking aim at a coyote. Or an agent. Same thing) does her Top 10 Movies list. Let us know what you think of the list and direct all hostile comments to Gariana. And all compliments directly to me. Her best picture Oscar goes to The Artist.

This may shock you, but 2011 was an excellent year for films. Let me rephrase that, an excellent year for “smaller” films. Foreign and art house fare flourished while Hollywood struggled like Justin Bieber’s siblings trying to get their parents’ attention. You had to dig deep and get dirty this year, frequenting shady and neglected venues where story and substance still reign. But don’t worry, the juggernaut that is the 2012 Hollywood line-up includes, The Avengers, Brave, The Dark Knight Rises, The Hobbit, Prometheus, Django Unchained, The Hunger Games, and World War Z. By the time they’re done with you, you’re going to feel like you were an extra in Shame.

 Let me address one thing really quickly, you won’t be seeing The Descendants on this list. I’m calling shenanigans on that shit! I’ll suspend disbelief as far as you need me to when watching a film. I believed a man could fly; I believed a monkey from Skull Island could trample New York and climb the Empire State building. I watched Braveheart and believed that Mel Gibson was a good person. I will, however, only go so far: nobody would cheat on George Clooney. Nobody. You lost me at frame one, Alexander Payne.

These aren’t in any particular order and as always Suzy, thank you for having me back.

1. Bullhead – Every single one of us is given obstacles in life and not every one of us is given the tools to overcome those obstacles. For me that’s what Bullhead was about at its core. An absolutely jaw dropping performance from Matthias Schoenaerts also didn’t hurt. I’ve never seen anybody pull off being so terrifying and vulnerable at the same time. He also gained 50 pounds for the role. Which means you will also be able to find show times for Bullhead by Googling, “things Hollywood has never asked an actress to do.” Belgium’s 2011 nomination for best foreign film and you shouldn’t miss it.

2. Hugo - Let me start by telling you what Hugo isn’t, a children’s film, as a woefully bad advertising campaign would lead you to believe. Martin Scorsese sat down and wrote a love letter to his first true love… cinema. About halfway through the movie you realize that it’s a gorgeous missive not only to cinema, but also to one of it’s greatest pioneers, George Melies. Bonus points for the casting of Sacha Baron Cohen.

3. Terri – If I told you that Terri was about a High School kid that easily weighs 250 pounds, has zero friends and wears pajamas everywhere, would you still go? You’re a freaking weirdo. I love you.

4. A Separation – When I saw A Separation the old people behind me wouldn’t stop talking about bathroom tiles. What does this have to do with the film? Nothing. They sure were passionate about tile though. I imagined the guy with the bushiest mustache trying to talk everybody into going to Home Depot after the film for some senior citizen hip dysplasia rattling funzies. A Separation will win the Oscar™ for Best Foreign Film. 

5. Drive – Besides the fact that Albert Brooks was flat out robbed of an Oscar™ nomination I just realized that I have not one, but two films on my list that has a guy beating another guy to death with a hammer! You wanna hang out? No seriously, we should hang out.

 6. Midnight In Paris – The only thing Woody Allen does better than making films is making family gatherings awkward. Because let’s be honest, if he decides to make your family gathering awkward it’s going to be like watching the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel being painted.

 7. Rise of the Planet of the Apes – I’m a huge fan of the original Planet of the Apes. So much so that I was vehemently against this prequel. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. It not only honored the original, it made it better. I loved this movie.

 8. Attack the Block - If Attack The Block was a horse then Hollywood, in their infinite wisdom, would have shot it. Little did they realize they would have been killing Seabiscuit. It not only has no stars, but all of the actors are first timers who are teenagers or younger. If you add that it’s a low budget special effects film with a first time director you can watch the eyes of Hollywood agents gloss over in the same way they do when they find out someone is forty. How great is Attack The Block? It’s so good that it’s actually possible to close your eyes and pretend Joe Cornish had nothing to do with Tintin.  

 9. I Saw The Devil - What if you discovered that you were capable of far worse than the serial killer rapist who murdered someone you love? What if you had the potential to make his best efforts look like adolescent fumbling in the dark?

 10. The Artist -


Tout aussi honoré films comprennent:
Equally honored films include:


War Horse, Another Earth, Marwencol, Rango, Rubber, Moneyball, Shame, Hanna, 13 Assassins, Cave of Forgotten Dreams, The Tree of Life.

P.S. You can follow Suzy on twitter at @hotcomestodie and you can find me @garianaabeyta, unless you don’t like laughing, then you should follow @osamabinladen

 

I'm Not A Beige Person

I keep my remote controls in this old truck. My friend Ann Abeyta was with me and she talked the guy into letting me have it for 8 dollars. He wanted 10. I would have paid 20.


I keep my takeout menus in this. If I leave Los Angeles I have to move to a city with restaurants that deliver or I'll starve to death.

I found this architectual drawing of the Paris Opera by Andras Kaldor at a Salvation Army here in LA. It was 10 dollars! I was with mom when I bought it and she thought it was "horrrrrrrrrrrrible" so of course I HAD TO HAVE IT. Two years later I caught her ogling it and she said, "eeet's really beyutifool, eeznt eeet?" And no, schizophrenia doesn't run in our family. Even though we have plenty of candidates for it.

I found this thingamajig, underneath the drawing, at a thrift shop. I have no idea what it is but it was perfect for my spices. It reminds me of how I went through Alegbra 2. What the hell is this?

This is a table pinball game I found in a vintage store in Santa Barbara. So of course I hung it on a wall.

This is the same table pinball game in my living room. I inherited the two watercolors underneath it. The middle one was done by Tom Street, a Florida artist who got cancer and killed himself.

The one underneath it was from our house in Washington D.C. Meanwhile, my mom, Dad and I were all afraid of water. We like to look at it the way it should be looked at, on a wall.

I buy anything with Paris written on it.

I got this Japanese pillow off EBay. It was made in the 1950's. I entertained the troops in Tokyo and love Sapporo. I can always come up with a reason why I have to have something. Beer is as good as any.

I bought this sign in St. Petersburg, after my Dad died. Emails and texting can never replace a phone call. I feel sorry for the future.

This clock is from the legendary Pasadena Flea Market. It was made in China, when Mao was putting his picture on anything. There were only 4 of them and this one was in pristine shape. The Hollywood Bowl wanted to borrow it as a metronome but said I could keep it in my house because they could hear it from there.

And now it's all going into boxes. To be unpacked on.......

Top 10 Movies of 2010

2010's Top Ten List from comedian, film critic and friend Ann (Gariana) Abeyta. She has two first names because she's fancy.

I was chatting with a friend and she pointed out how great the picks were on everyone’s top ten lists. I concurred and I think it’s because it’s one of those rare years where you can easily put together a top twenty-five with no problem. Here’s mine and my hope as always is to bring somebody to a film that they may have never seen or taken a chance on. I love that like Oprah loves free bread sticks.

Thanks, Soro. This is my 5th year back and I’m not sure if that’s because you’re enjoying these or patiently waiting for me to get it right. So, in no particularly order:

1. The American – I like this one because I secretly have always wanted to watch George Clooney sleep with hookers. In fact why wasn’t that on the poster? Just those words in a nice font, people may have actually been trampled to death trying to get in.

2. Black Swan – No blacks! No swans! I call shenanigans! I love that director Darren Aronofsky, when asked how he was going to get men interested in seeing a film about ballet dancers, paused dramatically and said, “Lesbo scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.” Hollywood couldn’t cut him a check fast enough. Aronofsky’s next film is Wolverine and I guarantee that it's going to melt your faces off.

3. The Social Network – Asians were all up in arms about how they were portrayed in this film, my favorite quote I read about it was "it was pretty pathetic that the only examples of Asian women in the film -- and there were many Asian women in the film -- were bimbo maniacs who gave blow jobs in bathrooms and set garbage pails on fire." We should all be so lucky! I'm Mexican and you know how my culture is generally portrayed in films? With headbands, guns, face tattoos and bouncy cars all done up to look more menacing while we rob you! Listen up Asian chicks, if Hollywood points the lens at you and goes with thin and sexy just call it a win and pass me the frijoles on your way out the door. This movie was practically Shakespearean in its scope and dissection of human relationships in the connected world and if you haven't seen it yet, go.

4. Winter’s Bone – A kinder gentler Deliverance.
5. Dogtooth – I loved this film! I loved it because if I even try to explain it to you not only will you think I’m crazy, you’ll try to have me arrested.

6. Inception – I have no idea if it was entirely a dream or not, so don’t even ask. I do know that I really like “beefy” Leonardo DiCaprio. He seems so cuddly and approachable now. I just wanna tickle him till he tells me where he has hidden the beer in the fridge.

7. Never Let Me Go – I’ve never seen anybody as mean as Keira Knightley in this film and I live in Hollywood. I imagined her being what Hannibal Lecter would masturbate to.

8. Toy Story 3 – Only film I cried in all year.

9. True Grit – Classic. Film making. The Coen Brothers are so talented that I could smell Jeff Bridges. It might have been the hobo sitting two seats over, but it really added to the panache of the film. If I ever meet the Coen Brothers I'm going to thank them for consistently writing such beautiful, strong and independent roles for women throughout their storied careers.

10. The Fighter – Here’s all you need to know. Mark Wahlberg is shirtless through 80% of the film. Once again! Why wasn’t that the poster for this film! I may have totally missed my calling because it seems really super easy to market films.

Honorable Mentions:
Somewhere
The King's Speech
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Tangled
Animal Kingdom
Exit Through the Gift Shop
The Secret in Their Eyes
The Ghost Writer

Films I saw in 2010 that were released in 2009 that would have made my list if Hollywood wasn’t a stickler for details:
A Prophet
A Town Called Panic

Follow @GarianaAbeyta on Twitter. Or else.

Top 10 Movies Of 2009

Thanks for asking me back, Soro. Here are my top ten films of the year. Netflix 'em!

As with every year, these are not in order of favorite.

1. Up – Dear Pixar: You treat my top ten lists like an alcoholic, abusive ex-boyfriend. I cross my arms and swear to the heavens to stand my ground every time you show up at the door. I always end up letting you in. A beautiful story and rich in character; it’s hard to believe other studios haven’t caught on to how Pixar does it. But here’s a hint: The public shows up in droves every time.

2. A Serious Man – Dear stomach: I didn’t laugh harder at a film all year.

3. The Hurt Locker – Dear Kathryn Bigelow: Only 3 women in 80 years have been nominated for an Academy Award for best director. It would make my life and a lot of other women's lives much easier if you win. It’s getting harder to inspire my nieces and cousins when all the big stuff in life seems to be unavailable to them simply because they’re women. Presidency, Vice Presidency, walking on the moon, left fielder for the Yankees etc. You ever have to give the, “You can be anything you want to be in life” speech to a little girl? I drink too frigging much to have that kind of pressure. I’m gonna end up one of these times just saying, “Stay thin and you’ll be fine.”

So, win this thing sister, cause like Princess Leia said, “You’re my only hope.”

(This is Suzy. Abeyta just quoted Princess Leia. The world has 5 minutes to live)

4. Up in the Air – Dear Mr. Clooney: How come I never get to sit next to guy that looks like you on a flight?

The last time I flew home the guy next to me wore “overalls.” The pinstriped kind, which begs the question, “Why wouldn’t he just take the train he was going to obviously be driving later to his scheduled destination?” Celebrities always pick unsolvable issues to throw their name and money behind. Cancer? Come on! You guys have been trying for a long time and have spent a lot of cash trying to even make a dent in that evil bastard. Think how good for the nation’s moral it would be if you announced you were going to do something like have George Clooney accompany a passenger on a flight from Los Angeles to New York? Use your powers for good, Mr. Reitman.

5. Avatar – Dear 12 year old me: When you grow up and see this movie you’re going to be pissed that you’re not still 12. Films like Avatar are why we started loving movies in the first place. I love the thought that now some clueless film executive, due to the success of Avatar and The Watchmen, think that we as film goers will want to see more blue people on the big screen. “Naked and blue is what the people want!”

6. Fantastic Mr. Fox – Dear All Pool Cleaners: Wes Anderson films are always a special treat. Like an ice cream or a crystal clear swimming pool on a hot day. Not a public swimming pool, those are gross. Kids always pee in them and they get water in their little pug noses and then just blow it straight back into the pool. Disgusting! So, Fantastic Mr. Fox is like an ice cream or an unpeed-in swimming pool without kid boogers in it.

7. Bronson – Dear Porno Producers: I just love a film that has a hot muscled Brit strip down, cover himself in butter and fight prison guards. Is that weird? It’s not weird right? He also used blood and poop (OK. Maybe it’s a little bit weird.) As my friend BJ eloquently pointed out, “nobody wins in a poop fight.” Director Nicolas Winding Refn delivers a remarkable film and Tom Hardy absolutely nails it and in my opinion is easily the best leading performance by a male this year.

8. In the Loop – Dear England: I felt like I was watching The West Wing so drunk that everybody was British. I mean that as a compliment. Which even I will have to admit is a weird compliment, especially if you’re shouting it, which I’m not because then I would have used caps. This was a smaller film and didn’t get even close to the attention it deserved.

9. Inglourious Basterds – Dear Retarded Casting Directors: You have to love the fact that it appears Quentin Tarantino hasn’t even hit his stride yet. An absolutely gorgeously shot film! I mean parts of it looked like paintings were coming to life. A performance from Christoph Waltz that was so great it actually tore a hole in space and stopped time. He’s fifty-three, which means if you’re a casting agent you should throw yourself into the ocean. HOW DID THIS DUDE MAKE IT TO FIFTY FUCKING THREE AND YOU HAVEN’T PUT HIM IN ANYTHING!?! Does Quentin have to do everything? Jesus! You’re all terrible at your jobs and I wished we were samurai so you would have to fall on your own sword for being so filled with suck.

(Suzy again. 'So filled with suck' - now my favorite way to describe ex-boyfriends)

10. The Bad Lieutenant; Port Of Call New Orleans – Dear Hollywood: Don’t forget just how great Nicolas Cage can be when he finds a project that firmly reminds you that nobody is better at full-on wackadoo. Fearless. Amazing. Hilarious.

The more than honorable mentions:

Crazy Heart
Watchmen
Star Trek
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
Thirst, Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Observe and Report
Moon
District 9
The Informant!
World’s Greatest Dad
Away We Go
It Might Get Loud
Paranormal Activity
Black Dynamite

Top 10 Movies of 2008

From Ann Abeyta, AKA Gariana, AKA Gets On My Nerves:

Well, it’s that time again. It’s been an incredible year for me as I started a podcast called The Popcorn Mafia. We have met with enormous yet humbling success, the pinnacle of which was being nominated for two podcasting awards and being invited this week to cover The Sundance Film Festival as press.

We couldn't have done any of it without the support of our friends. Especially ones like Suzy who have loaned their considerable talent to come on the show and chat with us about films. When it came time to post my Top Ten of the Year I took some heat because I told people they would have to come to Suzy’s site to read it. In fact I knew the only one that wouldn’t give me shit about it would be my co-host Grae Drake. That’s because she gets it. She does the show with me every week and she gets that it’s a huge honor and a large part of our success that somebody like Suzy would even agree to do our show. The reason I wouldn’t consider posting it on our site is simple, Suzy believed in me doing this before anybody else did.

So, set your Netflix to stun. Thanks for having me back, Suzy.

(This is some serious sucking up, Abeyta. What do you want?)

1. Synecdoche, New York – Man! What an absolute mind fuck this one was. It’s like the dollar menu at Taco Bell, beautiful and sad and filled with so much mystery. Pure unfiltered Charlie Kaufman.

2. The Dark Knight – This was a smaller independent film that you may not have heard of yet. I know it’s pretentious to put this kind of stuff on your top ten list, but as I get older being a film geek gets harder & harder. You have seen it all and generally you are never going to be affected by it as powerfully as that first time you saw it. You become like a junkie and end up having to go farther and farther just to get the same high. The next thing you know you are arguing with a guy in un-ironic horn rim glasses about Fellini’s real masterpiece being La Strada. So, I had always promised myself when I started doing this I would try to keep the smaller films that weren’t accessible to everybody off my top ten unless they really blew me away. It’s dark & moody, but don’t let that keep you from it because the acting is incredible. You might have to dig a little, but this one is worth it.

3. The Fall – Gorgeous. That’s the only word I can think of to describe this film. Strangely, it’s also the only word that describes Lee Pace, (Pushing Daisies star) who is beyond brilliant in this movie and I would stand in the freezing rain for hours just to have him lick my baby… and I don’t even know what that means. I also don’t have a baby, which would make the whole thing even more tragic and awkward than you are imagining. Standing in the rain holding up a stolen baby for him to lick. p.s - Our review of this film was one of my favorite shows that we did this year. Go to our website and listen to Guys in Hammer Pants vs Guys in Leather Fedoras (6-2-2008)

4. Happy Go Lucky – I saw this way late in its run. I caught a late show and I have never been in a theater where that few people (5) were laughing that hard. Ever. All of us were wiping tears away and were all absolutely enraptured by Sally Hawkins (Golden Globe bitches!) and Eddie Marson. Side note: that Eddie didn’t get nominated for a Golden Globe I consider proof that God does not exist. See how easy that was, Bill Maher?

5. The Reader - This is the film that Kate Winslet was in this year that everybody should be talking about. Here’s the strange part. Last year I had the movie Once on my top ten list. A beautiful film that sparked a huge debate between the lovely comedian Suzy Soro and myself about pedophilia. (I have no memory of this conversation and fear she made it up) I made a comment about having to ignore pedophilia laws in order to truly and completely enjoy the film. Suzy, being an expert on pedophilia, (This part is true) patiently informed me that Oncewas a May/December romance and that I should quit getting people’s hopes up. So, after seeing The Reader I got all excited because I would get to use those jokes again this year! All I would have to do was change Ireland to Germany and presto! Get your pick-axe out kids because today we are mining comedy gold! Then halfway through writing it, it dawns on me… it’s a damn May/December romance again! Foiled once (no pun intended) more! I guess I will never get to use these jokes unless Larry Clark does another film. Do not miss this film it’s incredible.

6. The Wrestler – Welcome home Mickey. (I think he and Madonna changed faces).

7. Wall*e – Wow! Pixar just crushes it yet again. The first 45 minutes is some of the best film making I have ever seen. I don’t know how they got the brutally accurate comment on Americans and American society past the studio heads. I do however know this, I am glad they did and it was overdue. It had none of the lacerating wit of Idiocracy, but managed to pack all of the same punch while being ham-stringed by being a children’s film with the rating to match. This film would be a remarkable achievement under any circumstances, but to think they pulled all that off just makes me shake my head with wonder. (I hated this movie so much there are no words).

8. Slumdog Millionaire – The kind of film that makes you wish you had one of those MIB mind blank thingies just so you could watch it again for the first time. Who would have thought blinding children and watching them sleep in trash could be so uplifting!

9. Let The Right One In – “It’s the greatest Swedish vampire film I have ever seen! - Mike C.” On our Halloween special Marc Heuck called this shot like he was the Babe Ruth of Film Geeks. We had a bunch of e-mail questions for him and one of my favorite’s was the simplest, “What’s your favorite modern/newer horror film.” Marc just quietly hung his head down and pointed towards Sweden.

10. Waltz With Bashir – Here’s an easy sell, “An animated documentary into the horrors of the 1982 Lebanon war.” Why don’t you just take a flying/running/jumping kick directly into my uterus? I would rather do math recreationally than sit through an hour and a half of that. What’s the poster tagline? “Finally a film for everybody that doesn’t have to re-new their driver’s license!” “Already had your teeth cleaned? Then Waltz With Bashir is for you!” The distance and artistic freedom caused by choosing to animate this allows director Ari Folman to go to places few directors have been. I have never seen anything like it and the only thing that I have even seen come close to matching the power of it is Graveyard of the Fireflies.

Honorable Mention:
Iron Man
Milk
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Frost/Nixon
Man On Wire
The Wackness
Burn After Reading
American Teen
Young At Heart

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

It's been a month since my surgery and I'm sliding into a depression from not being able to walk. So now everything puts me over the edge. Like last night at 5:00 a.m., while I listened to a conversation between the Druggertons, him saying "You need to leave" and her replying "eeeeooooo" over and over and over, I got so annoyed that I had to take a Xanax. Then I started having the creepy crawlies with the leg that has the cast. It felt like it weighed 400 pounds and was choking me to death. Of course the more I flopped it around the more claustrophobic I became and after 45 minutes the Xanax thankfully wiped me out. Today I rode my scooter, in my robe, over to the Druggertons and left him a note saying I could hear every word they said and to please keep it down as I was recuperating from surgery. Which of course has nothing to do with them talking all night but I'm using that excuse as long as it can help me. This is the second night in a row they've done this and I can only hope they either start discussing something interesting or take too many drugs and O.D. I'm expecting a visit from him asking if I have any Vicodins so I might soon get my wish.

Remember these chairs? Well, Ann Abeyta was over on Wednesday and looked under mine and noticed it had a hat rack. I always wondered about the extra wires affixed to one of the seats but had no idea what they were for, if anything. Ann, a projectionist at the Los Angeles Cinerama Dome and aficionado of all things cinematic (she does my Top 10 list every year) said those racks were from the days when men wore hats with brims and needed a place to stash them. I stuck one of my fedoras under one to give you an idea what it looks like. Carson, who was also visiting that day, used to be a roadie and added when she was on tour with country bands in those giant tour busses, there was always a TV in every bunk and a little fold-down platform where the guys could put their cowboys hats while they slept. This is Ann signing my bathroom door. She had just finished telling us that at 5 feet, she and her movie colleagues had researched online and discovered she was only 2 inches off from being considered a dwarf. She wrote "This is only as high as I can reach."

This is Carson showing off her height by signing the top of the door. I've had people signing this door for over 3 years. It's my tribute to all the green rooms I've been in over the years.

Ann and Carson playing my slot machine. If you play and win, I let you keep your winnings. Of course Ann had no quarters so she used mine but I fear next time she will come with a bucket of quarters and I'll have to sell some shoes to make rent that month.

THANKS TO THESE PEOPLE FOR THEIR KINDNESSES THIS WEEK:

1. Carson for going shopping for me and then making me lunch the next day and bringing over extra snacks and grapes. You don't realize how much you miss grapes until you can't walk to the store and buy them when you want. I ordered some from vons.com but that was one of the things they didn't have in stock. How does a store not have grapes in stock? In California? In grape season? Carson also mailed my bills and emptied my garbage and got a fan down for me so I wouldn't boil to death in the 90 degree heat that descended on L.A. recently.

2. Ann Abeyta for bringing Diet Cokes and for volunteering to get my mail. Remember how I was all hopped up about not getting my mail? I was itchy after 4 days without it. Well, now I sometimes forget that I even get mail.

3. McLoserstene for bringing me back excellent chocolate cake that her SIL Regan made.

4. Irma for sending me lots of uplifting emails that make me feel guilty for being so curmudgeonly about my recovery. Irma beat cancer twice and I'm all "I can't get a pedicure."

5. My life coach Lauri for bringing me over some slamming Chinese food from Genghis Cohen last night.

End of chat.

Top 10 Movies of 2007

Ann Abeyta here. Last year I posted my top 10 list on this blog and I got nothing out of it, so thanks for having me back to continue my slide into obscurity, Suzy. And no cracks about my new headshot.

This has been the strongest year for films in probably a decade. If you missed these, run, don’t walk to Netflix. So, in no particular order, these are the top ten movies of the year:

1. The Kite Runner – This is the story of the fall of Afghanistan’s monarchy in the 1960’s and of two boys who are best friends. Adapted from the national best-selling novel of the same name, we witness the devastation of a friendship based on an extreme act of brutality against one of the boys, an act that will forever alter their friendship and the path of both of their lives.

2. Michael Clayton - George Clooney, welcome to my loving arms! I know you tried so very hard with Syriana. You were kinda fat and gross in that movie and I rejected your Syriana love. This, my friend, was more than a girl could hope for… except for that part where Tilda Swinton was sniffing her sweaty armpits. What the hell was that all about?

3. King of Kong, A Fistful of Quarters – You would be hard pressed to find a more compelling film this year than King of Kong. Steve Wiebe, the star of the film, is my hero. In the past, roomfuls of big budget writers couldn’t come close to capturing the intrigue, the trophy wives, the mullets, and the backbiting that occurs behind the scenes of the competitive gaming world. But this movie does. It simply is the greatest tale of good vs. evil in a long, long time.

4. Juno – So. Fucking. Great. Who knew Jennifer Garner could act? Seriously. Nobody saw that shit coming. Vegas wouldn’t have even taken that bet. You would have had an easier time trying to convince me that the Village People weren’t gay than trying to convince me that I would one day say the words, “Jennifer Garner is flat out incredible in this film.” Don’t even get me started on the genius screenwriter that is Diablo Cody. Juno was her debut screenplay and she sold it the first day she sent it out. She also wrote a best selling book and has a blog called ‘The Pussy Ranch.’ (That sound you just heard is all the men surfing away and heading to Google) So she went from being a stripper to a Blogger to a best selling author to a screenwriter. It has to make you smile that a girl who once charged sketchy Middle Eastern men for lap-dances will soon be looking for mantle space for an Oscar. Mark down that Ellen Page (made last year’s Honorable Mention list with Hard Candy) will be the greatest actress of her generation.

5. Once – An Irish busker boy meets a girl, falls in love, and all is right with the world. If you ignore the fact that she’s 17 and he’s 39 then all is right with the world. But don't let that minor fact cloud your thinking or you and your moral high ground will miss the most beautiful and touching film of the year.

6. No Country For Old Men - Javier Bardem’s hair should get an above the line credit and I should have hated this film since I’m Mexican and all the Mexicans in it are drug dealers, dead drug dealers, or soon to be dead drug dealers. I know somebody is going to say Javier is Mexican but he’s not playing one in this film. No self respecting Latino would have that haircut! He’s either an angry Eskimo or Russian, but not Mexican. Seriously, you would have to be Sweeney Todd to give that haircut to one of my people. Shit! I just watched the trailer again; I think he might be Samoan.

7. There Will Be Blood – That’s all my Mom said to me when I turned twelve.

8. Atonement – A beautiful film about a single moment that destroys three lives. I loved this film not only for how beautiful it was - that green dress was a showstopper - but for how courageously it embraced the story it was telling. This wasn’t some cheesy Hollywood tripe with a buttoned-up ending and a hero riding off into the sunset. This one got down to the real business of telling a heartbreaking story of wrecked lives and the consequences of knowing that in a single moment you can make the wrong choice and will have to live with it.

9. Zodiac - Classic film making from David Fincher, (Fight Club, Se7en, Panic Room) who never fails to amaze and inspire. Robert Downey, Jr. will tragically be overlooked for a best supporting Oscar nomination but he deserves one.

10. The Diving Bell And The Butterfly – So, this guy has a stroke and becomes completely paralyzed except for one eye. That is one fucking eye, people. They had to sew the other one shut because the muscle wasn’t working right and it dried out. With one good eye he blinks out a novel. Why don’t you take a second to re-read that sentence? Oh, screw it. I’ll re-type it for you… HE BLINKS OUT AN ENTIRE NOVEL! I didn’t do my dishes for five days last week, how big of an ass did I feel like after seeing this?

Honorable Mention:
The Host, Black Snake Moan, Super Bad, 3:10 To Yuma, The Lives of Others, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Into the Wild, Hoax, Enchanted, The Savages, Sweeney Todd, Knocked Up, The Darjeeling Limited, The Orphanage, 300, Shoot ‘em up.

Top 10 Movies of 2006

My friend Ann Abeyta is not as crazy as she looks in this picture and of course I’m lying. And yes, that is the fat Elvis. I knew he was still alive.

Every year Abeyta sends out her list of Must See Movies so I’m posting it on the day of the Golden Globes. This standup comic, Hollywood projectionist and Genius Film Girl knows her cinema. So as she said in the email accompanying her list, “Set your Netflix to Stun!”

1. Half Nelson – I caught this at a Screen Actor’s Guild screening way late into the hype… actually WAY, WAY late into the hype. I was pretty convinced that the film had no chance of meeting the expectations that I had built up for it. But Ryan Gosling just smiled his gentle little smile, stroked my hair and gently whispered into my ear, "Shhhhhhhhhh, I got this baby. Just relax and let Daddy do all the work." Then he ripped my heart out and held it towards the heavens so Shareeka Epps could dance and giggle in the ribbons of blood. I didn’t stand a chance. You have heard all about the film at this point, so I will just say that I thought it was fearless, beautifully acted and I still can’t shake it.

2. Pan’s Labyrinth – I love me some Guillermo Del Toro! I am one of probably six people who thought "Hellboy" was genius. This however, is his masterpiece. A beautiful and very dark fairy tale.

3. The Departed – Hi Marty! Welcome back to everybody’s top ten lists! We missed you. Did you miss us? I bet you have hairy ears. Mark Walberg and Alec Baldwin (the only Baldwin who has managed not to become an embarrassment) alone are worth the price of admission. Leo will get nominated for an Oscar, as will Jack Nicholson, but in my heart I would love to see Alec or Marky Mark get one. This is an excellent film, violent, smart, and the editing is insanely brilliant.

4. The Proposition – The beating to death of our lord and savior from "The Passion of the Christ" has nothing on this tale of brother against brother, and quite frankly, westerns haven’t been this good since Sam Peckinpah was making them. It’s dark, bloody, and incredibly good. Nick Cave wrote it and set it in the outback of Australia. If you’re unfamiliar with Nick’s work download the songs off "Murder Ballads." Who better to write a film about having to kill your brother to save your own life than an ex-punk rocker?

5. The Descent – Every year I try to include a film that reminds me of why exactly we love movies. Seeing this in a jam-packed theater on opening night was film geek nirvana. I loved everything about this one, from the total chick empowerment to the blood-soaked thrill kills that left me crumpled in a sweaty heap. (If you get the chance you should see it with my coworker Amar, he surrenders to a great film with the genuine eagerness of an eleven year old. It’s an infectious and beautiful thing.)

6. Letters From Iwo Jima – I didn’t like "Flags of Our Fathers" and as a result I had totally written this one off. Christ, was I wrong. Clint has done it yet again. The greatest antiwar film I have ever seen. The tone, the acting, the dysentery, no detail was too small or overlooked. It breaks your heart and never turns its face away from the horror of the costs of war. They will probably sell this and "Flags" as a DVD boxed-set and my suggestion for a title is: "Everyone Loses a War."

7. United 93 – Not too soon!

8. Notes On A Scandal – Wow. Made me more uncomfortable than having dinner with white people. **** I am positive that this will receive at least two Oscar nods, but probably deserves way more. Such a great script and perfect note casting. Cate is amazing, but the film belongs to Dame Judi Dench, who once again is so good it’s almost criminal. I will also give a major shout out to Bill Nighy, he proves what an amazing actor he is once again doing so much with so little screen time. (I felt totally dirty watching Cate Blanchett make out with a fourteen year old boy.)

9. Children Of Men – What would happen if the entire world lost hope? I can’t believe how scary this film is, how utterly frightening the thought of the end of the world coming right at you, but at a snails pace, would be. You’re helpless to stop or change it, you just have to watch as the planet ages and dies off. It’s done so realistically here that you just get pulled in completely. Stellar work from Clive Owen, and we can now officially put to rest the question, "Is Clive Owen God’s greatest gift to man?" The answer is "Yes." I knew it a long fucking time ago by the way.

10. The Queen – I thought seeing this would be like having to do homework. I was more than pleasantly surprised. Helen Mirren will storm the Oscars like David Spade trying to get backstage passes to a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. My favorite moment in a film this year was the way she joyfully cries out "Tea!" Mirren manages to convey more with a simple glance than most actors or actresses can throttle out of a whole career. She pulls off something I would have thought absolutely impossible; she carries the weight of the monarchy, she is the Queen.

Honorable Mentions:
Borat, Dreamgirls, Babel, Hostile, The Hills Have Eyes, This Film Not Yet Rated, V For Vendetta, Jackass 2, Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, Volver, Hard Candy

****Editor’s note – I didn’t know Ann wasn’t white. I emailed her and asked her to check off one of these options:
A. Mexican
B. Octoroon
C. Chinese with an eye job
D. She wrote me back a not very nice email
E. End of chat.