The 1 Question I've Never Been Asked

I did many interviews for my book, including one for author Jess Riley and this one, for author Adam Avitable. Adam asked me something that in over 80 career interviews I've never been asked. Which one of these 9 questions do you think it was?

1. Your book was a fascinating collection of chance celebrity encounters, stories about friends, and scandalous secrets. I guess my question is, how many sex tapes have you participated in?

I did two with a boyfriend in NY. We broke up after three years and all I could think about were those tapes. He was well known, although not in show business, and was a control freak. He routinely asked me to get his name tattooed on my left breast. This was years before Pam Anderson, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie started marking up their bodies with the names of their love interests. My ex was ahead of the white trash times.

He and I are still friends and a few years ago I asked him if I could have my two tapes back, so I could destroy them.

“Two? Is that how many you think we did?”
“Well, uh, yeah.”
“You never could figure out when the red light was on.”

Which explains a lot about my show business career. And no, I didn’t tattoo his name on my left boob. I honestly don’t recognize the name that’s on there now.

2. How do you think your life would have changed if you had won the Star Search competition that you actually lost to Kermit Apio?

There were so many more people to battle before you got to the top tier of that show. Kermit was knocked out in the next round, which meant he wasn’t funny enough to win a second time. Which further cemented my belief that the judge who was so mean to me made sure I didn’t win my round because he knew I would have gone on to win. So in my version I would have won the second round, would now be spit-shining two Oscars, and be married to Ryan Gosling.

3. Do you think that there are any true, great celebrities anymore? What has reality TV done to the world of entertainment?

George Clooney is a great celebrity. So are Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts. I Googled the greatest celebrities of all time and some guy had made a list on IMDb.com that included John Ratzenberger and Hilary Duff so my list might be off a little.

Reality TV has given everyday people the hope that they too can be on TV without having an ounce of talent. You no longer have to be thin, attractive or intelligent to be famous. So it’s made us all feel better about ourselves.

4. Your book is about your compulsion to go up and talk to celebrities. Has anyone ever done that to you?

About five years ago I was in a frozen yogurt shop and a woman stopped at my table and said, “OHMYGODYOU’RESUZYSORO.” I didn’t recognize her and asked where we’d met. She’d taken a standup comedy class and her teacher had taped me off a TV show and asked her to do my act for her final exam.

She’s probably still doing it.

5. I was surprised to see the serious turn of the book when you talked about the Hartman family. What made you decide to include that chapter among all the gossip and humor?

I loved Brynn and Phil and knew Brynn’s vilification in the press was never going to go away. At the same time I took the opportunity to screw the National Enquirer and risked that people who read what I did didn’t hate me for it. Brynn was a phenomenal friend to me, as was Phil, but I felt her side of the story needed to be told. One of their children wrote and thanked me for trying to preserve their mother’s name in spite of what she did. It was, obviously, a terrible time.

6. Name the top three celebrities who, if you saw them, you would run in the opposite direction. Why?

There aren’t any. I once made Flavor Flav take a picture with me. FLAVOR FLAV.

7. What does your sister think of the book?

She loved it but it depressed her because she forgot what a great life she used to have. And that she could have been Mrs. Johnny Carson. Snooze you lose.

8. If they made a movie version of this book, who would play you if you could cast anyone, dead or alive? Who would probably get cast instead?

If I cast: Amy Poehler
If Hollywood cast: Anne Hathaway
If mommies cast: Melissa McCarthy
If daddies cast: Sophia Vergara

9. Other than your book, what's your favorite book written in the last year?

Yours.

And The Bound And Gagged Winner Is...

...Two Normal Moms!!



Please send me your snail mail so Nancy can sign and get the book out to you today!!

Congratulations and to everyone else, remember the book is available on Amazon.

College Bound And Gagged

My dear friend, Nancy Berk, a PhD and comedian, wrote this very funny book to help all you people who, instead of actively looking for colleges for your kids, are sitting in a corner sucking on your gin-soaked thumbs. Bravo. Your daughter is going to Mom's Couch College and your son will be accepted at Living In My Parent's Garage University.

I'm hosting a giveaway of this must-have book for parents of aging teenagers.

Sidebar: I would give away my jewelry collection to be called an aging teenager JUST ONE MORE TIME. Thanks, God.

So leave me a comment and you'll be eligible to receive this book for FREE. If you're not a winner, you can go to the link above and buy it off Amazon. But Free is better. At least that's what people tell me.

One of the best tips in the book is "Your child is going to college, not you, so don't make choices for them that are secretly your own."

Nancy also includes money saving tips and great chapter titles like You're Grounded. One of my favorite quotes from the book:

I've never understood why the cotton gin always gets tagged "best invention" and the dining room table is never nominated.

Anyone can leave a comment, tell all your friends!! and I'll pick a winner by Monday December 12th. Nancy will send out your book and it will arrive in time for Christmas!!

A Handbook for the Freaked-Out New Dad

I don't know why no one thinks of the dad when a couple gets pregnant. People always concentrate on the mom and think the dad does nothing. And they would be right because NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD THEM WHAT TO DO BEFORE.

Written by comedian and filmmaker Chris Mancini ,with a foreward by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor of Baby on Bored, hilarious chapter titles like My Baby Is Crying. Help Me and I See a New Mother, but Where the Hell Did My Wife Go? make this book as original as it is funny.

One of my favorite quotes is "You know that voice in your head that says 'You really shouldn't say that' right before you say something? Mine is broken." A man who can admit when he's making a mistake? WE LOVE THIS GUY.

Check out Chris's website and if you want to buy a signed copy of his book (as well as Stefanie's), head over to Comedy Film Nerds. You can also pick it up at your local book store.

Buy it for the guy who is over his head and under his wife, or maybe the other way around. Wherever he is, he'll thank you for getting him the Cliff Notes to his new life.

What Would Emma Do?

This new book is from one of my favorite authors and bloggy friends, Eileen Cook, the writer of the hilarious Unpredictable. which I profiled in a shoe contest.. Here's the press release for her new book, What Would Emma Do?

Thou shalt not kiss thy best friend’s boyfriend…again….

There is no greater sin than kissing you best friend’s boyfriend. So when Emma breaks that golden rule, she knows she’s messed up big-time. Especially since she lives in the smallest town ever, where everyone knows everything about everyone else….and especially because she maybe kinda wants to do it again. Now her best friend isn’t speaking to her, her best guy friend is making things totally weird, and Emma is running full speed toward certain social disaster. This is so not the way senior year was supposed to go.

Time to pray for a minor miracle. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s time for Emma to stop trying to please everyone around her, and figure out what she wants for herself.

What others are saying:

“Sassy and sly and sweet all at the same time, this book made me laugh out loud.” – Meg Cabot, author of the Princess Diaries

“Not since Judy Blume’s Margaret introduced herself to God has there been such a funny, geuine, conflicted, wanna-be-sort-good-maybe-later girl as Emma. Eileen Cook’s tone as she takes on the big ones – life, love, faith and friendship is pitch perfect.” – Jacqueline Mitchard, author of Deep End of the Ocean and Midnight Twins

“Smart and fun and full of heart.” – Sarah Mlynowski, author of Bras and Broomsticks

About the Author:

Eileen Cook spent most of her teen years wishing she were someone else or somewhere else, which is great training for a writer. When she was unable to find any job postings for world famous author, she went to Michigan State University and became a counselor so she could at least afford her book buying habit. But real people have real problems, so she returned to writing because she liked having the ability to control the ending. Which is much harder with humans.

You can read more about Eileen, her books, and the things that strike her as funny at http://www.eileencook.com/. Eileen lives in Vancouver with her husband and two dogs and no longer wishes to be anyone or anywhere else.

Buy the Book

A Very Appetizing Shoe Contest

The 2008 Debs have wrapped up their championship season. But I'm bringing you another one of their creative authors and another shoe contest.
Danielle's book has amassed critical acclaim across the web. Good Housekeeping reviews it and asks the question 'Bad boy sex---why does wrong feel so right?' That's right kids, this book is not only beautifully written it's also about that kind of sex. And Book Chic says “Danielle Younge-Ullman definitely did not hold back. She came out swinging to produce a wonderful and amazing book in Falling Under.” So here's the contest and the question. Based on this painting, what do you think is the profession of Mara, the heroine of this book? "Ice Cream Heels"
Limited edition giclee edition of 150 on wrapped canvas available 12" X 12", $325 by Mary Lovein

With a little bit of research you can figure out the answer. I made it easy on you this time because I want as many of you as possible to get a shot at this amazing debut novel. And if you don't win, GO BUY IT NOW. You can thank me in Chuckles and Butter Tarts later.

A. Prostitute
B. Artist
C. Foodie

As usual, you have two days to get your answers in. Then I'll pick a winner on Friday and Danielle will autograph a copy and send it to you.

End of chat.

Sleeping With Ward Cleaver

Because I love the Debs I'm having another shoe contest for Jenny Gardiner, one of the 2008 Debs. Just yesterday DearReader.com chose Sleeping with Ward Cleaver as their book pick this week.

This is a very funny look at what happens in a marriage when Your Husband turns into Your Father and suddenly an old boyfriend doesn't look so bad.Same rules as always, names in a bowl, contest open until Midnight Thursday and winner announced on Friday. Then Jenny sends you an autographed copy and we all go to heaven in a little row boat. If you don't know that song, you're too young to read this blog.

Guess what era this shoe display is from:

A. The 1950's

B. The 1960's

C. The 1970's

Men Fake Foreplay Winner Is....

So many correct answers this time. Mrs. K, Anne, Jami, Pam, Erin, Beckie, Susan, Traci, Heather, Janet, Melly196, Aerin, Eileen, Chandler in Las Vegas (who even got the play right), Allison (also got the play right) and Lannalee. It was MARIO LOPEZ!

All the names went into a bowl and I drew out the winner.

Congratulations Heather! Send me your snail mail and Mike will get an autographed copy out to you.

For those of you who live in the Los Angeles area, you can catch Mike's show of Men Fake Foreplay opening on Friday July 25th and running every Saturday at 8 PM through August 23 at the Actors Art Theater on Wilshire near Fairfax.

I'm back at Uproarious today talking about my favorite female comic. She confused me with a TV and stage star, which I was not happy about.

Coming in August! Another shoe contest for one of The Debs. Remember these past books? Driving Sideways by Jess Riley and Unpredictable by Eileen Cook? Another Deb has written a book you're all going to love, Sleeping with Ward Cleaver, by Jenny Gardiner. They have just announced the 2009 Debs so if you're looking for fun reads bookmark their website since they have lots of interesting writers over there. And I'm pimping them out in a total selfless manner because I DO NOT have a book for sale and I'm the Mother Teresa of blogging. Shut Up.


End of chat.

Men Fake Foreplay Contest!

Remember when I told you I knew a man who wrote a funny book?

Well here it is! It's the new shoe contest starring Men Fake Foreplay , an extremely funny book by comedian and Emmy award winning writer Mike Dugan.

It's the perfect read for both women and men. Doesn't matter if you're married or single, you'll love it. Here are some of my favorite quotes and after you read those, go to the bottom for the picture of men's shoes. And let me just say upfront that it was no mean feat (ahem) to find men's shoes I could use.

When I was single I had nine lamps in my house. At one point I waited till I got down to one bulb that I'd carry from room to room. And it would waste a lot of time because you gotta sit there in the dark waiting for it to cool down. That's why men leave their socks lying around - we need them for oven mitts.

Women have an intelligence network that rivals the CIA. They make the Internet look like two tin cans with string tied between them. I guarantee if you screw over a woman tonight, by tomorrow morning you'll be on a shit list in Afghanistan. Women are basically researchers. Especially in bed. That only looks like a negligee; it's really a lab coat.

Here's another great example of how single men will cut corners. I bought a set of dishes for the first time when I was 32. I had owned the bachelor cereal bowls before but this time I left the store with eight place settings. Because I took a woman along with me to help me pick them out. This should give you an idea of how women think differently than men. She said, "Definitely get eight place settings...you'll want to entertain, you know, have people over for dinner. What was I thinking? "Eight meals in a row without doing the dishes." Not including eating the cereal out of the coffee cups.

When a woman asks you to open up and share your feelings with her, it's important to understand that "I'd like to have sex with you and your best friend" isn't a feeling. It's a mistake.

I wish men were a little more aware of the damage they create when they talk about a woman behind her back. The damage I'm talking about, of course, is that women would be much more inclined to have sex with us if we would just shut the fuck up.

And speaking of oral sex-don't you think they should make beds about three feet longer so your legs don't dangle off the end of the bed? Or make your knees bend the other way or something...I've been looking for a bed with leaves that fold out like a dining room table.

So here's the contest picture:
Which one of these Broadway stars do these shoes belong to?

A. Clay Aiken

B. Kevin Kline

C. Mario Lopez

Same rules as always. Contest will be open for two days and you get one vote. Then I'll take the correct answers, put them in a bowl and pick the winner who will be announced on Wednesday. Then Mike will send you an autographed copy. For those of you who don't win but who want a great bargain on the book, go here and he'll sell the book for only $9.95 INCLUDING shipping and handling! And then go to his website and read all his amazing reviews.

The Naptime Winner Is....

Before I forget, I have a new piece up at Scrivel today called He Married Who? About how shocked I am with my exes and the women they've chosen to be with.

Thanks to everyone who participated in this contest. I have another one coming up with a very funny book written by a man. Remember them?

There were ten people who had the correct answers for this contest. Jami, Martha Jane, That Chick Over There, Jennifer, Melly, chicmama!, Mrs. K, Deb, Mrs. S, and gm country mama. Mrs. K has guessed correctly on every shoe contest, 3 so far, so I was hoping she'd win. But she didn't. I was also hoping gm country mama would win because she's an old friend of Stefanie's and is mentioned in Stef's first book. But she didn't.

Four pairs of the shoes have appeared on my blog because they're mine. The only pair that did not belong to me were B. All of the shoes are new except the ones in D. Those were the boots I wore on New Year's Eve at Lompoc Maximum Security Prison in 1993 when I did two shows there. Spare me your snipes on them unless you've played a prison. No one? Didn't think so.

So congratulations to the winner, That Chick Over There! Chick, send me your snail mail and I'll forward it to Stefanie so she can sign and send your book out to you. It's a very funny read and for those of you who don't own this book or Stefanie's first one, Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay, shame on you. Run to Amazon.com. Or Barnes and Noble.com. Or to a bar. Although you won't get much reading done there. And they don't sell books. Did someone say Mojitos?

End of chat.

Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay Naptime Is The New Happy Hour Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

Naptime Is The New Happy Hour Contest

If you haven't heard of Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's books, you might be dead. She's been on The Today Show five times and is also part of The Fashion Police for Us Weekly. She's currently working on her third book, Why Won't Suzy Soro Stop Stealing My Preemie's Meds?

So here's the question that could win you her hilarious latest book, Naptime is the New Happy Hour. Which of the shoes below has NOT been on my blog?

You only get ONE letter guess and the winner will be announced on Wednesday.

Because I'm leaving the contest open for two days. That means until Midnight PST on Tuesday 24th. If there are multiple winners all the names go into a hat and I choose one without cheating. Anonymous entries will not be accepted unless you've signed your name since I'm really grouchy these days.

To get an idea of the other fabulous, funny books my friends have written and given away on this blog, click on the Contests link at the bottom of this post. If you want your funny book to have a shoe contest, start kissing ass now. Fortunately I've lost 16 pounds so it shouldn't take long back there.

A

B

C

D

E

End of chat.

And The Winners Were!

The black and gold shoe was made by Prada and thus the hefty price tag of $750. The black and white shoe was made by Christian LaCroix and had a New York phone number next to it. When I called and asked for the price I was told that "We do not have that shoe in production."

So the correct answer to the contest was D. "This shoe cost $0 because the shoe is not in production." And if I may? HOW DUMB IS THAT TO PUT A SHOE IN A MAGAZINE, GIVE THE PHONE NUMBER AND THEN TELL A CUSTOMER YOU'RE NOT MAKING IT? Why not just SAY that in the photo caption? It's not like there's George Clooney on the other end of that phone number and that's the booby prize you get for making the call FOR NOTHING.

Okay, I'm back. So the following 8 people got the answer right:

1. Mrs. K

2. MJ

3. Karin

4. Pam

5. barbaraca

6. Kyddryn

7. Jen

8. kamewh

I put all the names in a bowl:
And picked the winner:

Congratulations Pam! Send me your snail mail so I can forward it to Eileen Cook, the author of Unpredictable. She will autograph a copy and send it out to you.

End of chat.

Prada Christian LaCroix Eileen Cook Unpredictable

Another Free Giveaway Contest!

The winner of this contest receives a free autographed copy of Eileen Cook's first novel, Unpredictable. I laughed out loud three times on the first page, to give you an idea of the funny level of this book.

So here is the contest. The first shoe pictured, the black and gold one, costs $750.00.

You have ONE guess for the second shoe. Again, if there are multiple winners, their names will be put into a hat and chosen at random.


How much does this black and white shoe cost?



A. This shoe cost $125.00
B. This shoe cost $65.00
C. This shoe cost $795.00
D. This shoe cost $0 because it's not in production

Good luck!

And The Winner Is!

The celebrity was Susan Sarandon and two people got it right, Mrs K and Jenn. I put each name in a hand behind my back and McLoserstene chose a hand and the winner was Jenn! Please email me your address and I'll forward it to Jess who will autograph a book and get it out to you. Congratulations!

And to Tommy and to barbaraca, you were on the right path but like me with marriage, just couldn't seem to make that final commitment.

Thanks to everyone who participated, even Tommy who cheated by Googling Shoes and Celebrities and came up with Shoebunny.com. However, once I checked out their website I realized it was fabulous and they're now on my sidebar. So even though I'd like to smack Tommy, I can't. Maybe next time?

Driving Sideways came out yesterday so click on this link and order it on Amazon.com.
http://www.amazon.com/Driving-Sideways-Novel-Jess-Riley/dp/0345501101/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210641915&sr=8-1

End of chat.

Free Giveaway Contest Clue # 1

None of yesterday's guesses were correct.

So here's clue # 1: American Movie Star who is not married but has children.

Free Giveaway Contest!

I'm giving away an autographed copy of my beautiful friend Jess Riley's first novel Driving Sideways. She has a terrific sense of humor, which you can see for yourself by reading Riley's Ramblings on my sidebar. There are a pair of shoes on the cover of her book so this contest has to do with shoes. I know, shocking.

This contest centers on a celebrity. It's the same celebrity wearing two different pairs of shoes. Her choice in footwear is so tragic that her celebrity badge should be revoked immediately. I think it goes without saying she has no stylist.

You can only vote for ONE name a day. If someone has already left your guess, it doesn't matter, leave yours anyway. You may both be wrong! Why one guess only? Because I'm very, very mean. Actually, I just don't want people to throw out a million names that they've copied from People Magazine.

If there are no winners on day 1, a clue will be revealed the next day. If there are no winners on day 2, there will be a clue every day until we have a winner or multiple winners. In that case I will put those names into a hat and choose the winner.

And for those of you who want to give me the "I don't care about fashion" line, you're lying. Fashion is art so if you like art, you can appreciate fashion. I've yet to meet a person, male or female, who didn't care or else they'd all be wearing bathrobes to the office and barbecue aprons to church. There's that great line from The Devil Wears Prada where Streep rips Anne Hathaway a new one for saying "It's only a belt." Remember that line? She said that fashion keeps millions of people employed and that 'belt' you put on was obviously to your liking or else you'd be wearing string cheese to hold up your pants. Or something like that.

Footwear Tip Of The Day: In the days when dinosaurs our mothers roamed the Earth, the purse and shoes always had to match. Today that is considered a BIG no-no.

End of chat.

Technorati Tags: Driving Sideways Jess Riley Riley's Ramblings

Men Fake Foreplay

When Mike Dugan and I were both doing standup back in N.Y. he somehow ended up crashing at my place even though I can’t remember why. He used to take two showers a day and when I recently reminded him of that he had no recollection of it. When he left New York he gave me his IBM Selectric II. That machine took up so much room it should have paid me rent.

Mike wrote a show called Men Fake Foreplay, directed by character actress Frances Fisher. (ER, Grey’s Anatomy, Boston Legal) It’s running Thursdays and Fridays in August at The Hayworth Theatre here in Los Angeles. It’s a really hilarious show in spite of the fact that I'm not in it.

I asked him if he remembered the name of my show, which toured the U.S. for 8 years. He came up with these titles just to piss me off:

‘God, this is Suzy calling. Fuck off’
‘Breast Size Story’
‘Your Dick’s Too Short to Box with Soro’
‘The Miracle Whip Worker’
‘The Diarrhea of Anne Frank’

In spite of this, we’re still friends. Or at least he still thinks so.

End of chat.