I'm Trying Not To Throw Myself Off The Balcony

Because once in Niagara Falls, another comic and I were walking across a bridge with a huge drop and he turned to me and said, "Do you ever think about jumping off a bridge when you walk over one?"

I hadn't but I figured if this comic was that crazy then I'd better agree with him in case his second question was going to be, "Do you ever think about throwing someone off a bridge when you walk over one with them?"

There's a name for this phenomenon but I can't remember what it is. It's the uncontrollable, unconscious desire to hurl yourself into an abyss. It should be called 'You Need A Psychiatrist And Don't Forget To Take The Meds They Give You Because You Have A Death Wish.' My comic friend then said, "Sometimes I want to throw my wallet in, just to satisfy the need not to jump."

Let's not get crazy, buddy. Back then I had a Gucci wallet.

Another comic friend had a sister who committed suicide by getting into a barrel and rolling off the American side of Niagara Falls. I was horrified and asked my girlfriend the obvious question, "Where on earth did she get a barrel?"

Surely they don't SELL them at the Falls. Maybe on the Canadian side. I've noticed that all the American draft dodgers who escape to Canada are never seen again. EXACTLY.

Admit the dizzying photo below makes you want to jump off this blog:

P.S. Did she bring the barrel with her?
P.P.S. These are legitimate questions that people should offer the explanation to without me having to ask. Instead of being all That's Personal and It's None Of Your Business.
P.P.S. Sheesh.

A Handbook for the Freaked-Out New Dad

I don't know why no one thinks of the dad when a couple gets pregnant. People always concentrate on the mom and think the dad does nothing. And they would be right because NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD THEM WHAT TO DO BEFORE.

Written by comedian and filmmaker Chris Mancini ,with a foreward by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor of Baby on Bored, hilarious chapter titles like My Baby Is Crying. Help Me and I See a New Mother, but Where the Hell Did My Wife Go? make this book as original as it is funny.

One of my favorite quotes is "You know that voice in your head that says 'You really shouldn't say that' right before you say something? Mine is broken." A man who can admit when he's making a mistake? WE LOVE THIS GUY.

Check out Chris's website and if you want to buy a signed copy of his book (as well as Stefanie's), head over to Comedy Film Nerds. You can also pick it up at your local book store.

Buy it for the guy who is over his head and under his wife, or maybe the other way around. Wherever he is, he'll thank you for getting him the Cliff Notes to his new life.

R.I.P. Ken Ober

Two days ago, a comic, the host of MTV's once insane show Remote Control, died at 52. Ken Ober was always funny and the first of our NY group to make it out to Hollywood and get a show. No one was surprised because he was fast on his feet and turned adlibbing into an art form. I knew him from the club scene in NY and the last time I saw him was at The Comedy Awards here in Hollywood. He was always nice and not one of those comics who took himself or his good fortune too seriously. He was kind to everyone.

He complained of headaches, chest pains and flu-like symptoms. These are things that always freak me out when I read them. How many times have any of us had symptoms and brushed them off?

My theory that female comics have more testosterone than normal women makes me act like a man and not want to go to the doctor. I'm sure there are some men who gallop to the internist but in general, they're not the first ones in the waiting room. And if you're one of those men, great. The rest of you? Please don't write me.

Of course I also believe that when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. I'll quote Woody Allen here, "I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

RIP George Carlin

I only met Carlin once. We were both appearing at Bally's in Las Vegas. He was in the showroom; I was at the comedy club Catch A Rising Star.

I had just moved from New York City to Los Angeles in the hopes of pursuing a bigger career than New York offered. I had agents and an apartment by the Hollywood sign and I felt I was on the right track. One of my first gigs was in Las Vegas; how horrible could life be?

Driving into Vegas and seeing Carlin's name on the marquee at Bally's and knowing I was going to be in the same place, doing the same thing made it seem like I had moved for all the right reasons. I immediately wrote him a note saying I was at Catch and that I wanted to see his show. I dropped it off at reception and wondered whether George would get it. He did and called me in my room to ask how many tickets I needed because it was Valentine's Day. He assumed I needed two. I had just started dating The Impotentate (GET OUT. RUN AWAY. YOU'RE GOING TO WASTE 7 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM.) but left him back in L.A. It was my first time playing Vegas and if I went down in flames I didn't need him to see that. So I asked George for one ticket and a fire extinguisher.

The first note pinned on the yellow sheet below is the message the operators at Catch A Rising Star took from George telling me to be at his 9 pm show. You know I'm the Queen of the Qeepsakes so I have this hanging in my Hall of Fame. You can't see it in this photo but it hangs down on the left, under the Muscle and Fitness magazine with my sister on the cover.
Valentine's Day in Vegas couldn't be more annoying if it tried. People running around all in love and shit and strangers looking at you with sad eyes because OMG you're alone! But I didn't care because I couldn't wait to see the guy that all comics put in their top 5 of best standups ever. If you don't get that, chances are you might not understand what makes great comedy. It's hard to explain if you're not in the business of making people laugh. You're just going to have to trust me and every other comic on the planet on this one. Can 20,000 of us be wrong? Uhhh. No.

Standing on a stage for over an hour trying to hustle an audience into laughing is not for the weak. It's so difficult that sometimes I look back on my younger self and wonder what convinced me that I could tackle such a job. How did I believe I had the wherewithal to make an audience love me? Or make them laugh or require them to think? Few of us will ever attain the rank of making an audience think. That requires enormous skill and I'd be the first to admit that I can't do it. I'm not that gifted. But Carlin had it in spades. Imagine trying to talk about religion, as George did in his bit on the Ten Commandments, and yet point out how ridiculous those Ten Commandments were. Who makes fun of that and wins? George. Because he was a master of comedy. My friend and fellow comic Matt Davis sent me an email that really summed up George's genius. He was a maestro with his words. He would start a premise or a story and he would zig and zag and weave and go off onto several different tangents (all of which were relevant and hilarious), and he would always come back and join it all together 10 or 20 minutes later and tie the end piece with a bow. It was amazing. It made me want to write more jokes and quit comedy forever at the same time.

That's really the hallmark of great anything. That it makes you want to do it better and yet quit because you don't think you'll ever be as good at it as the ones you admire the most. Comics can make a room full of strangers laugh. We don't know if it will work every time, and sometimes it doesn't, but we do know that most people can't do it and for some reason, that's why we keep doing it. And most of us hope we're one hundredth as good as Carlin. And know we're not.

The next night there was a message from George. "Want to know if you saw the show." I've had boyfriends who have dropped me off in front of my building and haven't waited to see if I made it inside alive. I have relatives who assume I'm dead because they never call. George was a real class act. And p.s., how many comics have you seen remain successful through their 60's and on until their 70's? Newhart. Cosby. Rivers. Carson. Believe me, we should all be so lucky.

Those of you who read me on a regular basis know I struggle with what I did with my life but when Carlin died I realized I'm grateful that I chose to be a comic, no matter how difficult the road. I remember once when my career was in the toilet and I didn't know what was going to happen to me and I called my Dad. I told him I had wasted my time flying around the world doing comedy and what did it bring me? And my Dad said "You made a lot of people laugh. Not many people can say that about their lives." And over the years I realized how right he was. Making people laugh is a lucky gift to have. It also reminds me of what The Laugh Factory here in L.A. puts up on their marquee when a comic dies. RIP George Carlin. Make God laugh. So if I can do that one day when I'm long gone and forgotten down here, make God laugh? Well, there will be no regrets. Except for this one: GET THIS CAST OFF MY FUCKING FOOT.

Another great comedian died the same day as Carlin but at 93, her heyday had come and gone. Dody Goodman was in both the Grease movies and played the mother in the hilarious sitcom Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. But more importantly, she was a Johnny Carson and Jack Paar fave. And if those two guys didn't know great comedy, no one did. Dody also did Broadway in her later years. I came across this quote from the producer of one of her shows about her prowess on the New York stage:

"Dody had the most impeccable comic timing," Goggin said. "When we had her in the show Nunsense, she was the only person on Earth who could walk on stage and say, 'Are you ready to start?' and bring the house down."

It's all about timing in comedy. If you think you're funny, try saying that line when you walk into a room. Good luck with the crickets.

R.I.P. George. And Dody. We'll miss you.

George Carlin Dody Goodman Grease Jack Paar

The Sexiest Reporter On TV Is.....

Amy Murphy! She is part of the morning phenom Good Day L.A. For years their show, on from 7-10 a.m., has consistently beaten the three networks in the morning ratings. Steve Edwards, Dorothy Lucey and Jillian Reynolds are hilarious but please, someone put Amy, a field reporter, on the desk as a replacement when the anchors take off or I will do something really mean. And anyone who reads this blog knows I can do that. With no hands. While I sleep.

The beautiful and funny Amy talking to our waiter. What in the hell is the guy in the middle of the frame looking at? I mean, if you see someone take out their camera and then focus it, do you think to yourself, "Maybe I should turn away and not ruin the shot" or do you say, "I hope that waiter and girl aren't blocking me in the picture."

Doesn't it take just the tiniest thing to set me off? So WATCH OUT Good Day L.A.

Amy and I had dinner on Thursday night at Dan Tana's, a famous Hollywood restaurant that has been around for over 40 years. It's a hangout for celebrities and the rich but honestly, they treat everyone like a celebrity and they have amazing Italian food.

Amy was the girlfriend of Richard Jeni, a brilliant comedian who ended his life this year. His 3 DVD's have just been released and if you're looking for great comedy, go to the link. I'm a comedian and he's the guy we all admired. His comedy is streaming off the website and you'll understand why I get so frustrated with bloggers who think they're funny.

© richardjeni.com

Mariette Hartley is recognizable to many through her work on television and in the movies and I still miss the Polaroid commercials with her and James Garner. To me, she is one of the funniest people on the planet and yet she suffered through three family suicides and an attempted one by another family member. She is the co-founder of AFSP and I urge ANYONE who has thought about suicide or knows someone who has survived another person's suicide to please take a look at their website. There is help out there. Amy and Mariette at a charity walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. There are chapters in most major cities.

Back to Dan Tana's. This guy kept staring at me. He was a flutter winker, a man who thinks you might be a hooker and will respond to facial and or hand signals. He started making this clicking noise with his mouth as he winked at me. I looked behind me to see if there was another woman to whom he could be OBSESSIVELY winking at but no, I was the Winkee. Shut up.

End of chat.

BOB SAGET Interview

Bob recently took time out from his busy schedule and answered some questions for me.

SUZY: Most people know you from Full House and America’s Funniest Home Videos but may not know that you are one of the funniest stand-ups who ever stepped on a stage. Are you back doing standup or did you really never go away and I’m just not observant?

BOB: First I'd like to say how honored I am to be on a site whose byline has anything to do with 'comics going somewhere to die...' A lot of my favorite comedians have passed on and I truly look forward to seeing them all in open mic purgatory in the afterlife. I just hope I don't go on too early.

Your above question is a compliment, right? Yeah, I just reread it... Yeah people do know me from those two shows, but ya hope, through tragedy plus time, that people see, it was just great family gigs I had, but that wasn't my only comedy sensibilities. Who knew when left to my own facilities, I would be such a dirty bastard. It wasn't premeditated. I love the standup and always have—I started doing it when I was 17 and my stuff was always odd-- or 'edgy' as people say. I've never really stopped doing standup and never will in some form or another. Hosting a quiz show like "1 VS 100" is what it is, and it employs some of the craft of just doing standup. But the shows I've been doing this year, colleges, theaters, larger venues than I've ever played on a regular basis-- truly invigorate me. So I've never gone away, but I'd like to think I've grown to be whatever this spin-art is now that I do, and the audience I've always wanted to see my stuff and relate to it has somehow found me. Incredibly nice yet sick bastards that I love performing for.

SUZY: You wrote and directed the 2006 movie, The Farce of the Penguins, which is hilarious. As I read the end credits I saw that you used more funny people in one movie than anyone since Mel Brooks. A lot of comics and ‘comedic’ actors in Hollywood are afraid to surround themselves with funny people; why aren’t you?

BOB: First, thanks for even mentioning my name near Mel Brooks. I love that man. Yeah that penguin film I did was conceived as obviously as one may expect. I had watched the "March of the Penguins" at a friend of mine's screening and called my buddy David Permut the next day and said, "I couldn't stop voicing over this thing." He said, "Let's make a voice-over R-rated comedy out of it." It was kind of like what I did on that video show, voicing over cats and dogs who’d just been hit in the nuts, except there would be a 'story' and it would have to be completely made out of stock documentary footage since we weren't allowed to us one frame of National Geographic films. With our editor, Michael Miller, I'd cut together a twenty minute truncated version of the film with temporary voices on it, and Samuel L. Jackson read the script I'd written and saw the first twenty minutes and decided he'd like to be the narrator. Just before that, Lewis Black, Tracy Morgan, Mo'Nique and then Christina Applegate signed on to be the lead cast. And it kind of snowballed after that...A silly dirty penguin movie made completely out of stock footage where the eyes don't move...Friends of mine who did me the solid by being in the film, wanted to be part of the stoner movie of the moment. It’s exactly what I did in my early twenties....Sitting around with comedians, up all night, maybe a bit high on something or another and dubbing the TV with the sound off. Sounds pathetic, and it was, but it was also funny. And it's a gift to be surrounded by so many funny people. On this one, I got to do it in out-of-control voice-over form. I hope I didn't poach all my favors. ("I'd love you to be in my new film." "Oh sorry, you used me as the 'Bitch Slapped Penguin," and now my children won't speak to me anymore...Sorry, Bob, you’ve used up your favor of this life.”)

SUZY: Many people thought your part in The Aristocrats was the most twisted and the best. Anyone ask you out as a result of that movie?

BOB: I was asked out by an entire family. Much like the Aristocrats themselves. They brought me over and wanted to show me the act they were working on. I told them I'd seen it and ran away before they started dancing with their poo. I have a girlfriend, but did not at the time of "The Aristocrats" release. I don't think that performance secures a new relationship, but actually, yes, I did meet a couple of intriguing women who simply liked my cameo in that film and wanted to talk to me about it. But I don't think I've been 'asked out' technically, for twenty years. Does your girlfriend count?

SUZY: If I printed out your IMDb.com list of credits, it would take 3 people to lift it. Here are some comments people left for you:

- He’s a hottie
- The same as Stephen Colbert
- Do people really worship him?

Do you agree with any of those statements and why?

BOB: I'm a hottie? Weird right? I'm flattered. Some people call me a DILF. I guess women and men who dig my work may like (cause I've heard this) that I don't really work with a net. That I'm hopefully a nice guy, saying terrible things sometimes, because they're funny. Anyone who calls me a hottie I want to thank. They're really gonna think I'm cute when I get a full plastic surgery do-over in a few years. I'm going to put my ears where my eyebrows are. It's gonna be so friggin' hot!

Steven Colbert is immensely talented. I guess some people think we’re similar, 'cause we're both tall, (he's thinner) and maybe we look like we could be related or something, but our comedy isn't that similar. I'm not as smart as he is, but I do appreciate his work immensely. He's really great at what he does, so again, being compared to someone as good as he is flatters me.

In answer to your last thought-- Yeah there's this website that says it worships me and I am that holy guy people pray to. I get a little scared of that, 'cause we all know, 'I'm just a man,' but I met this guy who runs the site a few years back when I was out doing standup and he really seemed like a nice guy. Just a fan that makes a joke saying that I am to be worshipped. In my bedroom I do have a shrine of myself where you can light incense and hear the rap song "Rollin' with Saget" on a loop, while my girlfriend anoints me with Frankincense.

SUZY: One thing I picked up from your IMDb.com listing was that there is a Student Academy Awards and in 1977 you won with your film Through Adam’s Eyes. Were you contemplating standup back then or did you want to be a director?

BOB: I started making student movies when I was nine. All 8mm and then Super 8mm. By the time I got to college at Temple University in Philadelphia, I was shooting 16mm. I'd made like sixty hours of student films. Mostly terrible...A movie called "Beach Blanket Blintzes" where a fifty foot blintz turned people into sour cream. "Through Adam's Eyes" was a documentary I made in 1978 about a young boy who underwent facial reconstructive surgery and he narrated it. I'm very proud of it to this day. I always wanted to be a director, and throughout my career I have directed and produced projects that attracted me. I've got quite a few movies as director still in me. Maybe I should have them removed 'cause they really are impacting my bowel. Maybe I shouldn’t have wedged those DVDs so far up my ass. See I could've stopped on that train of thought sentences ago, but why deny millions of bloggers such “A” material… Sarcasm never reads well. Sorry.

SUZY: You’re also the champion of a cause that is dear to your heart. You lost your sister Gay to scleroderma and in 1996 directed the touching film, For Hope, for her. That must have been a very difficult part of your life. How does a person as funny as you cope with such a loss?

BOB: Yes, that was a crazy tough time for my family. My sister Gay was 47 when she passed away from complications of scleroderma. And we didn't know what we now know about the disease. I am certain her medical care should have taken a different path, but at the time, when those things happen to people, the family puts their faith in the practitioners. They just wouldn't treat her today with the techniques they were guinea pigging her with thirteen years ago. And my whole family, heralded by my late dad, Ben, would use humor as a mechanism to help us all deal with the horror of the situation. Even my sister Gay knew that sadly, it was her time, and chimed in with her own beautiful self-effacing gallows humor. She was an amazing, smart, wonderful person. In the movie "For Hope," the family joked about bringing Hope (played by Dana Delany) out to breakfast once she had passed, ALA "Weekend at Bernie's." ABC let us air it, and the script, written by Susan Rice, had so much more impact due to the sick comedic tone throughout what they would call in the day, a "disease of the week" TV movie. It was obviously horrific to go through the loss of my sister (I'd lost another sister, Andi, to a brain aneurysm ten years earlier) and that further motivates me to continue working for the Scleroderma Research Foundation. We put on three events within two years, called "Cool Comedy Hot Cuisine" where we raise as much as we can for the scleroderma research centers we fund throughout the country. The one at Johns Hopkins, funded by Dr. Fredrick Wigley, is one of the most impressive. Our next fund raiser event is November 6, at Caroline's Comedy Club in New York. This past year we raised almost $700,000 at the event in San Francisco with Dana Carvey and Lily Tomlin performing. This November’s at Caroline’s will definitely be an incredible event, with the food by Susan Feniger of the Border Grill restaurants and some of the best comedians alive. For more details check out the Scleroderma Research Foundation.

SUZY: One of the best things about you is that you look like the priest next door but then you open your mouth and you’re irreverent and dirty. In the beginning of your career as a standup, did anyone try to tell you to clean it up?

BOB: Yes, the Church. I guess as I've done standup for thirty years, it was always a voice that had a weird quirky sick humor instilled in it. No one has told me to stop anything. When I've done a theater or event and I see little kids or conservative adults in the audience, there's no reason for me to work blue. It'd be silly. What I do in my standup that I love, 'cause there's no censor except the one I police myself with, is just let my mind be open to what crazy assemblage of material is going to spew itself onto the audience. I guess I do look clean cut like people's friend, dentist, priest, although I'm Jewish...and maybe that serves the 'opposite day' of what the standup persona is. All I know is its fun. And also, I think we've all learned that analyzing comedy is the death of comedy. Soon as I talk about how and why I say things, it ceases to be funny to me. So this Q & A could be dangerous. Do not operate heavy powered machinery while reading this. It could put you to sleep and you could lose a foot.

SUZY: You have an HBO special airing tomorrow night called That Ain't Right. Anything you want to say about that except Watch It and Buy It?

BOB: I shot it at NYU in the Skirball Theater. It really was an exciting fun thing for me to do personally, taking seven years that I'd been skirting around the same hour or so, finding different ways to tell the same stories, jokes, and then let myself tirade off on my weird rants. When stuff really does come to my mind the first time and it's injected into that hour and in this case, on an HBO special, it's just organically rewarding as an artist. The name of the special is "That Ain't Right," because it really isn't. The things I talk about are silly-- I'm basically a nine year old boy speaking of perversion where the punch line may be, "Hey don't have sex with a goat..." But that should be a given-- which is why I sometimes feel the need to lecture my young audience on the rights and wrongs of nature and the incorrectness of trying to mate with a tiny animal just because you think you could overpower it. It's not natural. HBO's promo department came up with the byline: "Good Guy Gone Wrong," which could have also been the title of the special. But it's not. “That Ain't Right” is. I'm very proud of it, and just hope no one is offended by it and young kids don't see it. It's about what a lot of comedians’ standup is about-- relationships, kids, parents, the flip side of fame-- all laced with organic profanity and some music, 'cause, at the end of the day, that soothes the savage beast.

25 Things You Didn't Know About A Standup Comic

1. We never laugh at anything.
2. Because we can see the punch line coming from a mile away.
3. Unless it’s from a fellow comic who we admire.
4. And there aren’t a lot of comics we admire.
5. Practically none at all.
6. Maybe 4.
7. 3 of whom are dead.
8. Friends have a compulsion to email us 'funny' stuff.
9. If you’re one of these friends, please stop.
10. People tell us jokes and say ‘you can use that if you want.’ If the joke belongs to someone else, someone who actually wrote it, no, we can’t use it.
11. Ever.
12. Female comics are not called ComiDIENNES.
13. We're just called comics.
14. Or bitch.
15. If a book says it's "Laugh out loud funny."
16. We know it's going to suck.
17. If a movie is called a Comedy,
18. People need to open a dictionary and look up the meaning of that word.
19. Socially we are duds.
20. We're not funny at a cocktail party and if asked what we do for a living and say ‘stand up comic’, people will inhale sharply.
21. We use that moment to steal hors d'oeuvres from their plates.
22. And we don’t care.
23. About your job, your family or your new shoes because in our head we’re writing a joke about your job, your family or your news shoes.
24. And it will be funny.
25. Because that’s what we do.

Rescue Me

I was over at Blogography and Dave said how much he liked the show Rescue Me, starring Denis Leary. Moi aussi.

In 1989 Denis and I were photographed in New York for the magazine Men's Guide To Fashion, which I think was just full of pictures of men in tee shirts wearing black socks and sandals.

The only true statement under this picture is that we were at Catch A Rising Star and we were comedians. We were not Up and I can promise you that we were not Coming.

End of chat.

RIP Phil and Brynn

At the Comedy Awards with two of my favorite people

Because We're Not Dead Yet - Part Three

UPDATE: Martha Jane just sent me photos of three people that I hadn't photographed so I thought I'd add them.
Kathy Buckley and Martha Jane

Ant and Diane Nichols

Rick Overton
getting ready to beat the crap out of the manager, who is hanging by his head, the only logical place to hang one from. After all, they do take 15% .


Our hosts, Elayne Boosler and her husband Bill Siddons.

When I told Bill what great artwork he had, he replied without a trace of regret, "It's all Elayne, she won't let me hang anything." Now that's a great husband who has been properly trained. Hot guy Number One, the food server, although he had his eyes closed. He's 21, my waist size. Shut up.Hot guy Number Two, the bartender. Hard to believe he's older than I am.

Only attractive people are eligible for Cater-waitering in Los Angeles. It's not unusual to go to big Hollywood events and see the guests cruising the staff. You should see our UPS drivers. Hands down, the hottest guys in L.A. We used to have one who was so hot that three of us used to order crap off EBay just so he'd come to our building. Then we'd ask him dumb questions like, "What's a stamp?" He now has a movie career.

Hiram Kasten, Karen Haber, Felicia Michaels and Martha Jane of Cocktails From Hawaii who flew in from Honolulu for the party.

Freddy Stoller, who hasn't aged one bit, which I found very annoying. Extremely annoying.

And finally, my arch enemy Jenée who has her cleavage hanging out, for a CHANGE.

I'm sorry I didn't take pictures of everyone and I apologize to those I didn't get. I think we have to hire a photographer for the next event since there were over 90 people in attendance this year and we expect a bigger turnout next year. It was just overwhelming to meet up with people we hadn't seen in many years, some of them from New York and the leaner years, and remember to take their picture. But from all the emails I've been getting from comics who don't live in L.A., they love the pictures more than my astute and brilliant commentary. Whatever.

All night long, no matter what group of comedians I was talking to, the same topic came up over and over, how great it was to get together with our own kind. You could make inappropriate jokes about loaded topics and no one flinched or called you out. You didn't have to be polite and you could swear and bitch without people staring at you with that horrified look I sometimes get when I ...never mind. I think my arch enemy Jenée said it best: "You never have to follow any sentence with just kidding."

What made this party better than every other party? Because everyone was invited, not just the white heterosexual males who hung out together back in the day. We had Black people! We had Asian people! We had women! We had gays! We had Ann Abeyta the Mexican who couldn't spell pinata! I'm never going to let that go.

End of party chat.

Because We're Not Dead Yet - Part Two

All of these photos were taken by my friend Phil Nee, who is not only a standup comic but a photographer as well.

Phil Nee and Elayne Boosler

The amazing view of Los Angeles from Elayne's backyard

The Toast

Dave Edison, Charles Zucker, Billiam Coronel, Mike Rowe, Rondell Sheridan, Mike Dugan and down in front, Phil Nee. I know he got two pictures in one post but his photos, his rules.

Rick Overton manhandles the 'agent' through the mouth (where they deserve it). Keith Barany looks on approvingly, or is it longingly, in the background.

Wendy Kamenoff, Jon Manfrelotti and Billy Riback.

As you can tell from some of the pictures, all s.o.'s, gf's, bf's and spouses have been removed from the pictures. Do I need to know that you're all having regular sex and then publish it on MY blog? Don't think so.

On Friday, the last of the pictures, including the two hot guys and my arch enemy Jenée.

Because We're Not Dead Yet - Part One

After the Richard Jeni Memorial in March comedians decided it was a good idea to get together when someone had not died. Elayne Boosler, Rondell Sheridan and Suzy Soro present the First Annual Because We’re Not Dead Yet Party was hosted by Elayne at her home and co-hosted by yours truly and Rondell. It was the best comedy party of the last fifteen years and the only reason I know that is because I've been to all of those parties and they couldn't even compare to this one. Modest much?Maxine Lapiduss, co-host Rondell Sheridan and host Elayne Boosler

The invitation-only party mixed NY and LA comics along with catering from Kai’s European Catering and Event Design and lots of surprises. Richard Jeni’s best friend Len Austrevich generously donated copies of Rich’s specials Platypus Man and Crazy From The Heat as party favors. Circle of life tokens were also given out as well as one of Kai's nirvana inspired chocolate chip cookies which I ate at 4 a.m. because I'm trying to keep my weight down by eating in the middle of the night when no one can see me. What? That totally works.

Emo Phillips and Mike MacDonald, who are both clearly insane. Or high.

Two candy-filled piñatas dressed as AGENT and MANAGER were beaten to a pulp by a baseball bat. There was a lot of cheering.

A fake sign-up sheet on the door allowed us to pick our own 'spots.'Jerry Diner, Johnny Dark, Jamie Alcroft (from Mack and Jamie) and Scott LaRose sign up for their spotsElayne's pool designBeverly Mickens and Mike Ivy Jann Karam and Margaret Smith

Rondell generously donated a case of Richard Jeni’s favorite champagne, which Richard got in the Oscar gift bag when he was one of the writers for the Chris Rock-hosted Oscars.

L.A. comics Rich Williams, Ryan Stout and Tommy James. Does Tommy have breast implants?

Ant (in the background), Danny Kinsella, Ann Abeyta (she writes the top 10 movie list for my blog) and Billiam Coronel.


Richard Jeni's lovely and heartbroken girlfriend, Amy Murphy

My only regret is that I didn't take pictures of the interior of Elayne's house, mainly out of respect but mostly because I forgot. I've been to a lot of LA homes and Elayne has possibly the coolest house I've ever seen. The greatest mix of artwork, arcana and collections gathered over a lifetime of travel with a discerning eye. We should all have such a cool home.

More pictures to follow, including ones of the two hottest guys at the party and my arch enemy Jenée, who demanded photo approval over the pictures I took of her. You see what I'm dealing with here?

Nobody Likes Suzy

-My father called me Susan
-My mother calls me Suzo
-My sister calls me Snookie
-The first guy I was going to marry called me Possum
-The last guy I was going to marry called me Bunny
-The Doctor called me Q-Ball
-Elvis called me Q
-My friend Prinny calls me Pooz
-My friend Colleen called me Snooze
-Another friend called me Hank
-My friend Metia calls me Burl
-McLoserstene’s friend Kristin calls me The Distracter
-My neighbor Joe calls me Sue
-Last week my neighbor PJ called me Lady S
-Anyone else have this problem?
-End of chat

That Seinfeld Episode I Did

Larry David, me and Jerry on the Seinfeld set

I just saw on IMDb.com that the next airing of the episode where I got the last chocolate babka is on Tuesday, April 17th on TBS at 6:30 pm. I have no idea what time zone that's in.

I thought I would give you some detes on that shoot back in 1994, when I still had all my teeth and was not wearing Depends and a hearing aid.

That is my own coat, pants and turtleneck sweater in the picture, which was taken at the end of the shoot and was what I wore on the show. My friend Henriette Mantel, who co-directed the Ralph Nader documentary and who is currently in Paris directing another doc, had just shot the Brady Bunch movie and we were shopping at The Gap. I decided to buy this black turtleneck and when we got to the cash register, she took it out of my hands and said, "This is on me." It lives on forever in this episode.

I brought two coats to the shoot, as wardrobe asks you to bring in your own clothes if you're not the star or co-star or even the almost-star or going-to-be-sometime-in-my-next-lifetime star. I brought in the above coat, which was a Kenzo, since my mother worked for Kenzo in Paris at the time and I had a lot of his clothes. Mom had also given me a Jean-Louis fake leopard fur which was gorgeous and what I really wanted to wear but the show opted for the more sedate Kenzo. I borrowed the scarf from a friend of mine and thin belts were in.

The picture was taken by Carol Leifer, one of the writers on Seinfeld. She was the comic at the Richard Jeni memorial that said she liked comics just a little bit better than other people. She starred in her own sitcom, Alright, Already and is now a permanent staff writer for the Oscars. I emailed her a few weeks ago and said that I regretted having her take this picture as I wish I'd put her in the shot and had someone else shoot it of the four of us.

The guy who plays my husband was not exactly the kind of guy I've ever dated in my life. Ever. He came up to me and introduced himself and said, "I'm playing your husband in this scene." I looked at him and almost said, "Yeah, right" until I realized he was serious. I thought THIS is who they think I would marry? He was overweight and balding and well, just not...hot. How could Larry David, the Executive Producer and a friend of mine, have cast this guy as my husband? Did Larry think that's all I could get?

Meanwhile, the cast fluttered around him and kept saying, "Oh I LOVE your work" and it wasn't until halfway through the shoot that the person playing the bakery counter lady told me that my so not hot husband had played the part of the grown-up bratty kid who traveled on the bus in A League of Their Own. His only scene was at the end of the movie, in the Hall of Fame ceremony. He had one scene people, calm down. And I would never have married him in real life unless he had a really good agent who would represent me as well.

A lot of people asked me if I was nervous to be on Seinfeld and I said that I had been preparing for a day like that my entire life. I felt like I belonged on that sound stage. I guess my subconscious was in agreement because I left behind my friend's scarf, my Henriette turtleneck and my Kenzo coat. The next day I got a call from the wardrobe department saying I was retarded. I mean forgetful. It was like when Elvis, a guy who I was madly in love with, came to visit me from out of state for 24 hours and left his toothbrush in my bathroom, or like the girl who accidentally leaves her thong and a shoe at a guy's place. They don't want to leave.

So the day I made an appointment to retrieve my things was January 17. At 4:19 a.m. on that day I woke up to go to the bathroom. The only reason I know it was 4:19 was because I was so sleepy I had to sit on the side of the bed and get my leg game going before I could stand up, and in the course of that time I glanced at the clock. I finally walked the round-trip twenty feet and came back to bed, happy to hit the sheets again. But at 4:29 a.m. I heard a tremendous roar and my apartment started to shake violently. I climbed out of bed, now fully fucking awake thank you very much, and tried to walk. The floor was pitching so violently that like a flying Wallenda I had to navigate it as if it were the high wire. I heard all the car alarms in three counties go off. My. First. Earthquake.

A 6.7 on the Andy Richter.

No phones, no lights and because of an hysterical lesbian in my building, no gas, as she panicked and made the manager turn off the main valve. I went out on the balcony and every resident was already outside with flashlights. They kept shining them in my face and asking me if I was okay. DO I LOOK OKAY? I wanted to scream but I couldn't talk. A woman from two apartments down walked towards me and told me I should put on some shoes. I had managed to find my Victoria's Secret satin pjs, which was a miracle in itself since I sleep in the nude and have no idea where I found those pajamas. Yes I know that was too much information but you'll live. My neighbor asked me if I had a flashlight and I looked at her and wondered why her mouth was moving and yet I couldn't hear her. The earthquake had first made me lose my voice and now I was deaf.

"SHOES, where are your shoes?"
"I don't know," I said, each word shaking like a Chihuahua. Apparently I can remember not to go outside naked but can't remember where I keep my shoes.
"In your closet maybe?"
"Oh my God, in my CLOSET! You're a genius."

You know that if I can't remember where my shoes are, the apocalypse is here.

The next day, when electricity had been restored, I heard that the Seinfeld stage had taken a hit and suffered water damage. It was such a famous show at the time that it was singled out for earthquake damage coverage. I sat in my apartment and pictured my clothes going down with the ship.

End of temblor chat.

Famous Comedians Marry

Phyllis - The Bride

Will - The Groom

Leaving on their honeymoon

The Richard Jeni Hollywood Memorial

I know I’m prejudiced here but honestly, there is nothing better than a room full of comedians. Especially when they’re paying tribute to one of their own. A fallen one.

This Saturday, comics filed in to the invitation-only memorial for Richard Jeni held at The Laugh Factory in Hollywood. Some of the biggest names in our industry got up, one after another, and paid homage to Richard. Jay Leno, Tim Allen, Paul Rodriguez, Elayne Boosler and Larry Miller brought the house down with their remembrances of this quirky and brilliant standup. Two fashionistas check the list at The Laugh Factory

Jay Leno said that Rich would tell him that he was doing a new HBO special and that he was going home to write the new hour. To which Jay remarked that most comics couldn’t steal an hour, much less write it before a special.

Ritch Shydner described how committed to joke writing Jeni was. He said most comics will do a line or two about something like alarm clocks. Then they move on to a new topic. And like lions, the comedians in the back of the room are ripping the comic’s bit apart, seizing on the parts of the topic that weren’t covered, like the meat left on a carcass. He didn’t discuss the snooze button! or He should have talked about digital clocks! But he said that when Rich Jeni did a joke on any topic, there was nothing left but bones.

Rodriguez recalled a story of when he and Richard were playing a prison. “Rodriguez, what kind of material do these guys like?” Richard asked.
“How would I know, why are you asking me that?”
“Because there’s a lot of you people in here.”

Emceed by the affable Tom Dreesen, Sinatra’s opening act up until the day Frank died, he kept the show moving and the laughs coming. People didn’t speak for long, until Paul Provenza got to the podium. Paul was the guy who took over for Rob Morrow when Morrow left Northern Exposure and is a gifted comedian in his own right. Paul went long, as we say in standup. None of us really noticed or cared, but someone gave him the light, the red one that signals to the comic to get off stage. Those of us sitting in the back couldn’t believe someone - and by someone I’m guessing Jamie Masada, owner of The Laugh Factory - would give anyone the light at a memorial. I tapped Boosler on the shoulder.
“They gave Paul the light,” I whispered.
“I know, is there a show after this? Is another funeral coming in?”

And then there was the drama that is Richard Lewis. Sixteen people were scheduled to speak and after about the fourth person, Richard got up from his seat in the back, walked towards the front of the room and, expecting his name to be called, was surprised when Tom Dreesen announced someone else’s name. Richard walked back to his seat. This happens to comics all the time and is usually not a big deal. Then it happened again and again and Richard finally heckled Dreesen into letting him on. He took the stage and said that in his entire career he had never been bumped three times and at a memorial.

Even guys who didn’t speak, like Ray Romano, and guys who shouldn’t have spoken, like Dane Cook, and guys who mystified the audience with their speaking, like Fred Travalena, still all had one thing in mind. They were all there for Richard Jeni.

Richard’s girlfriend Amy spoke through tears about how grateful she was to see all the comics who had come out to pay tribute. Rich’s brother Joe was so moved by the show of support that my heart broke for him and his family.

A short film was shown of Jeni’s standup and his early home life. Then there was a reception upstairs with tons of great food. There were two walls devoted to pictures of Richard, one of his career and one of his personal life. On the tables where the food was laid out were oil cloth table coverings with pictures of friends of Richard, Richard’s family and career embedded in the tablecloth. It was obviously custom-made and showed the attention to detail that HBO gave to this event. From the speech by President and CEO Chris Albrecht to the fact that HBO picked up the entire tab, including the valet parking, it was a class act from start to finish.

Carol Leifer spoke for us all. Struggling against her tears she said that comics are a great fraternity, one that she was proud to belong to, and that she would always love comics just a little bit more than she loved other people. Yeah, me too Carol.

End of chat.