Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I'm Trying Not To Throw Myself Off The Balcony

Because once in Niagara Falls, another comic and I were walking across a bridge with a huge drop and he turned to me and said, "Do you ever think about jumping off a bridge when you walk over one?"

I hadn't but I figured if this comic was that crazy then I'd better agree with him in case his second question was going to be, "Do you ever think about throwing someone off a bridge when you walk over one with them?"

There's a name for this phenomenon but I can't remember what it is. It's the uncontrollable, unconscious desire to hurl yourself into an abyss. It should be called 'You Need A Psychiatrist And Don't Forget To Take The Meds They Give You Because You Have A Death Wish.' My comic friend then said, "Sometimes I want to throw my wallet in, just to satisfy the need not to jump."

Let's not get crazy, buddy. Back then I had a Gucci wallet.

Another comic friend had a sister who committed suicide by getting into a barrel and rolling off the American side of Niagara Falls. I was horrified and asked my girlfriend the obvious question, "Where on earth did she get a barrel?"

Surely they don't SELL them at the Falls. Maybe on the Canadian side. I've noticed that all the American draft dodgers who escape to Canada are never seen again. EXACTLY.

Admit the dizzying photo below makes you want to jump off this blog:

P.S. Did she bring the barrel with her?
P.P.S. These are legitimate questions that people should offer the explanation to without me having to ask. Instead of being all That's Personal and It's None Of Your Business.
P.P.S. Sheesh.


  1. I never really thought about that before but WHERE DO THEY GET THE BARREL?

  2. Be careful - they might have some barrels lying around that pool.

  3. I've always heard about the barrel, too.


  4. I would most certainly jump into that pool...


  5. what kind of moral dilemma does a barrel salesman near the falls face?
    would behavior profiling be discriminatory?
    does he ask wooden or plastic?

  6. I am the weird one in this crowd obviously--I DO sometimes think that when I walk over a bridge. Also, I sometimes think about the fact that I could easily accelerate and run over the pedestrian in front of me at the stoplight.

    I'd never do it, but it boggles my mind that I have that power.

  7. I've never thought about jumping off a bridge but I always think about grabbing a cops gun.

  8. Jenn and Bobbi are scaring me.

  9. I;ve never crossed a bridge that I didn't think about jumping off of. I'm not suicidal, it's not like I've actually jumped, I just wonder what I'd be thinking half way down. I really do.
    As to the barrels, all immigrants are presented with a barrel at their citizenship ceremony. Its the Canadian of saying: "Welcome to Canada now fuck off and roll with it or die".
    We're nice like that, very liberal : )

  10. Non Immigrants receive their suicide-barrels as "birth benefits".

  11. My problem is licking things. You know. Cold things. My dad had an aluminum tank filled with liquid nitrogen and bull semen. I would lick things in there. The aluminum parts. Ripped the skin off my tongue. Never forgot it. Thirty-five years later, I'm still asking, "Why?"

  12. Barrels don't kill people. Falls kill people.

  13. A few things.
    Did no one see her lugging a barrel across the park and say "Hey lady, where ya going with that?"

    I may have had the odd idle bridge compulsion while in Niagara Falls, but I think it was mostly because I knew that to get home I had to drive through Buffalo a second time.

    I live in the mountains and there is a curve on the highway where the guardrail is the only thing between you and a 200 ft drop to the creek below. I used to wonder how fast I would have to go to punch through with the work vehicle my soulless overlords provided me-- a 1999 Dodge Caravan with no air conditioning. I got a different job and I can now successfully negotiate that curve without any suicidal inclination.

  14. -->Now I have Roll Out the Barrel in my head. Thanks.

  15. Well, at least it looks like there is a pool at your new apartment. Not sure if I would want to 'enjoy' the atmosphere down there though.

  16. My dad won't go to high places as he says that part of being afraid of heights is the actual feeling that you need to jump off. Also, I don't let him near barrels.

  17. All I'm saying is, are a lot of homeless monkeys in Niagara Falls.

  18. I picture myself driving off a bridge every time I go over one. In vivid detail

    I don't walk over bridges often.

  19. I googled this and there are a million descriptions which many people say can come from many things and are called many things:

    Imp of the Perverse (E.A. Poe)
    Perverse Cravings
    Acting Out

    As someone mentioned, the Germans come up with so many great terms for psychological problems, why not for this?

    Also, googling this WAS NOT EASY.

  20. Cracker Barrel? That's the last place I saw one. I always think of driving off a bridge when I'm on one. Not because I have the urge to. I'm terrified it's going to happen anyway.

  21. This post made me laugh in so many different places. I was laughing to myself in the car about the Gucci wallet. Ha! I wouldn't even toss my Mexican street wallet over.

  22. I know you can refer to a barrel of laughs, so what about a barrel of screams?

  23. You know, my aunt had this.

    I always thought it was just getting the inevitable over with.

    Going to fall anyway, so let's just do it.

    That's my $85 worth of interpretation.

    You are so funny.

  24. Hey, is there any way to run along the balconies and jump in that pool? Wait, first question should be how deep is that pool?



  25. My death wish is more the hope for a Deus Ex Machina. Like the Death Star blows up the planet.

    I'm afraid of heights. Can't believe people pay good money to bungee or skydive. Adrenaline junkies.

  26. I don't think you'd die in the pool shot, just break a leg and limp for the rest of your life.

    New follower. Urp

  27. I get this feeling sometimes.

    The 'barrel over Niagara Falls one,' not the 'jumping off a bridge' one. That's just stupid.

  28. don't you damn yanks know ANYTHING?

    they're called wine CASKS, not barrels... used in the aging of stronger spirits... sheesh!

    course, beer barrels are a different thing altogether....

    :P lol