My Best (Shoe) Friends

I used to have a large shoe collection. Not a Sarah Jessica Parker Shoe Collection but a significant enough one for someone who doesn't have a job. I had a big closet in my old apartment and the shoes and boots filled up both sides. I wouldn't go so far as to say that shoes were my life, because then my bags would feel left out, but shoes were a big part of it.

These are from my old apartment. I didn't get all of them in the shot because some wanted to remain anonymous. See the little red bottle in the middle shelf of the big shoe holder on the right? I kept the requisite shoe maintenance equipment with them at all times, in case of emergency. You never know when two shoes could break out in fisticuffs. And then where's that emergency repair kit? Exactly.

But then tragedy struck and I needed ankle surgery. I know; tragedy is usually not defined as anything that compromises your Loehmann's shopping trips but it was a tragedy to me. I suddenly was unable to hike. I could barely walk. There was something very wrong with my right foot. The doctor calmly informed me my right ankle had lost all its cartilage.

I said, "WHAT?" also.

He asked me how I did it, as if he expected me to reply I'd purposefully banged the heel of my right foot on a manhole cover over and over for 20 years. You know, like you do when you're in love. Or incarcerated with no chance of parole.

So he rebuilt my right heel and gave me an arch I didn't ask for. He gave me one anyway, even though my other foot didn't have one. Don't tell me I should have had a second opinion; he was my fourth opinion.

I find it interesting that my doctor didn't want to be photographed. This is what I looked like after the surgery. I couldn't walk for four months and yes, that was my scooter. FOR FOUR MONTHS.

Once I started walking again, my shoes became my enemy. I gave most of them away. I held shoe giveaways on this blog and cried at the post office while standing in line with my carefully wrapped packages. I'm sure most of them arrived waterlogged.

No more spiky heels, no more 5 inch boots. I eventually stopped looking for shoes. Stopped shopping in general. It was too depressing to find a great dress only to realize I'd have to look for amazing shoes and probably wouldn't find any that were easy to walk in and didn't hurt.

And then I discovered the Orthaheel.

"Invented by leading Australian podiatrist Phillip Vasyli and recommended by Leading wellness physician Andrew Weil, all products feature the built-in, lightweight biomechanical Orthaheel footbed that supports your feet while helping to realign the lower legs and improve posture. Every style is made with a durable rubber outsole with wave-patterned tread that helps improve traction on hard or wet surfaces."

The Fitflop from Sole Provisions had the orthaheel and comes in a ton of pretty summer color combos. See that built-in arch? I didn't NEED to have one installed in my foot - at a cost of $12,000 - had I discovered this shoe first. It's like walking on air.

 

And these, also from Sole Provisions, solved the problem of cute + comfortable. Everyone who knows me well also knows I'm a sucker for anything animal print.

And these I love love love. They remind me of the colors you'd see on an African Safari. Even though I've never been on an African Safari, the dark green and sand combo reminds me of one anyway. I might be thinking of Miami, though.

Dear women of America: You will sadly discover that as you age, (which I'm not, by the way) that neither your knees nor your ankles will support high heels anymore. Because bearing children and going through menopause isn't enough, apparently.



This was a sponsored post by the lovely people at Sole Provisions. All the above shoes can be found on their website plus many, many more. Go. Look. Buy.

How Cool Are These Shoes?

How badly do you want to paint the soles of these shoes and pace back and forth in front of The White House?

Picture courtesy of Advanced Style.

Third Wednesday Shoe Giveaway!

First of all, I'm the Funny Not Slutty of the week. Because I talk about all the plastic surgery I've had. What other blogger is stupid brave enough to do that?

While you're over there snickering about my former face, join their network of women in comedy.

This week I'm giving away a pair of Steve Madden patent leather lime green slip-ons. There's a zipper across the top because I'm a big fan of zippers.
See? Acrylic Zipper-Encased black bracelet, Target $12.95. (Why don't they open a Target in my apartment?) I love Steve Madden shoes** and although I only wore these two or three times, I especially loved them as I like things that are different. I don't like to blend in. I use Beige as a swear word.

Leave a comment saying you want the shoes, along with your email, no links please. Or you can find my email under my profile on the sidebar and send me your email. How many more times can I work the word email into this paragraph? Apparently one more time.

On top of not being able to wear my 4 inch heels, I can't wear any heel that is too thin. I have my ankle surgery to blame for all this and it's not a big problem and I hate to even complain about something so small but if I wasn't whining and bitching, you wouldn't even be reading this blog.

Admit it, you know that's true.

You have until 6 pm Thursday July 8th to enter. I'll use a randomizer to choose the winner and announce it a few minutes after 6. You have one week to claim your prize. Good luck!

End of chat.

**(The marks you see on the inside of the right shoe are just the camera.)

Second Pair Of Shoes Giveaway!

Free to a good home!

I have an identical pair of Westies in camel with a wooden heel, 8M. I think I may have worn them twice, probably once, as the sole is lightly scuffed but the rest of the shoe is pristine. The instep of the left one appears dirty but it's not. It looks that way because I suck at taking color pictures.

Same deal as before. Leave a comment and MENTION you want the shoes. The contest is open until 6 pm Thursday.

Leave your email in the comments if you don't know how to enable it in your blog platform. If there's no email you can't be entered as I'm not going to chase you down on your blog. I'm lazy, remember?

Check back on Thursday after 6 for the winner. You have one week to claim your prize.

And The Winner Of The First Wednesday Shoe Giveaway Is

You read that title right. The first winner. I've decided to give away shoes for the next three Wednesdays. I'm not going to wear them and I'm tired of seeing them languish in the closet eating me out of house and home.

Which p.s. is one of the most ridiculous sayings in the English language. Aren't house and home the same thing? Or how about Niecy Nash saying "Hand over foot" on Clean House when the expression is "Hand over fist?" Or how about the ridiculous Butt Naked instead of the actual phrase, Buck Naked? I know, I know, shut up and deal.

And yes, I watch Clean House. Now you shut up and deal.

There were a total of 16 entries, out of 27 comments total, for the black and white Westies.

I listed them in the order in which they were left. Then I set up a randomizer and the lucky winner is number 9, Amberdawn! (Send me your snail mail; my email is in my profile. Also? I really want to call you Deltadawn and dear God in heaven I hope you're old enough to get that reference)

But there are 3 more Wednesdays of free shoes during which time the shipping and handling will probably wipe me out but don't worry your pretty little heads about that since I AM RICH. (Affirmation of the day)

And if you win a pair, you cannot enter again because I'm a big fat meanie.

I've always believed that the more you give, the better you feel. So if you're in a position to give, please do. Take those shoes and turn them into a thousand pairs of shoes. Start a school in Africa to teach deserving shoes that can't afford a decent education. Send those shoes to BP with a note: Kick your own fucking asses, morons.

Your friend,

Oprah Winfrey

A Shoe Giveaway! UPDATED

I forgot to make a cutoff time/date for the shoes. My body's up but my brain has remained in bed. ANYWAY, I'll cut it off at 6pm Thursday June 24th.

Right before my ankle surgery I bought these shoes. I didn't know I needed the surgery or I wouldn't have bought them. They're black and white with a silver circle on the thicker strap.

They're made by Westies, size 8M and I have no idea why the picture below looks so weird.

They have a 4 inch heel and as you can see, they've never been worn. Thanks ankle!

I'm giving them away. If you want them, leave me a comment telling me you want them. If you leave a comment that doesn't mention that you WANT the shoes I will assume you don't want them.

I will have one of those randomizer things pick the winner (assuming there's more than 2 requests) but it's only fair to tell you I have no idea how that randomizer works or where to get one or why I even bother to get up in the morning.

Already this giveaway is more complicated than I planned. You have one week to claim your prize!

End of chat.

What Would Emma Do?

This new book is from one of my favorite authors and bloggy friends, Eileen Cook, the writer of the hilarious Unpredictable. which I profiled in a shoe contest.. Here's the press release for her new book, What Would Emma Do?

Thou shalt not kiss thy best friend’s boyfriend…again….

There is no greater sin than kissing you best friend’s boyfriend. So when Emma breaks that golden rule, she knows she’s messed up big-time. Especially since she lives in the smallest town ever, where everyone knows everything about everyone else….and especially because she maybe kinda wants to do it again. Now her best friend isn’t speaking to her, her best guy friend is making things totally weird, and Emma is running full speed toward certain social disaster. This is so not the way senior year was supposed to go.

Time to pray for a minor miracle. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s time for Emma to stop trying to please everyone around her, and figure out what she wants for herself.

What others are saying:

“Sassy and sly and sweet all at the same time, this book made me laugh out loud.” – Meg Cabot, author of the Princess Diaries

“Not since Judy Blume’s Margaret introduced herself to God has there been such a funny, geuine, conflicted, wanna-be-sort-good-maybe-later girl as Emma. Eileen Cook’s tone as she takes on the big ones – life, love, faith and friendship is pitch perfect.” – Jacqueline Mitchard, author of Deep End of the Ocean and Midnight Twins

“Smart and fun and full of heart.” – Sarah Mlynowski, author of Bras and Broomsticks

About the Author:

Eileen Cook spent most of her teen years wishing she were someone else or somewhere else, which is great training for a writer. When she was unable to find any job postings for world famous author, she went to Michigan State University and became a counselor so she could at least afford her book buying habit. But real people have real problems, so she returned to writing because she liked having the ability to control the ending. Which is much harder with humans.

You can read more about Eileen, her books, and the things that strike her as funny at http://www.eileencook.com/. Eileen lives in Vancouver with her husband and two dogs and no longer wishes to be anyone or anywhere else.

Buy the Book

A Very Appetizing Shoe Contest

The 2008 Debs have wrapped up their championship season. But I'm bringing you another one of their creative authors and another shoe contest.
Danielle's book has amassed critical acclaim across the web. Good Housekeeping reviews it and asks the question 'Bad boy sex---why does wrong feel so right?' That's right kids, this book is not only beautifully written it's also about that kind of sex. And Book Chic says “Danielle Younge-Ullman definitely did not hold back. She came out swinging to produce a wonderful and amazing book in Falling Under.” So here's the contest and the question. Based on this painting, what do you think is the profession of Mara, the heroine of this book? "Ice Cream Heels"
Limited edition giclee edition of 150 on wrapped canvas available 12" X 12", $325 by Mary Lovein

With a little bit of research you can figure out the answer. I made it easy on you this time because I want as many of you as possible to get a shot at this amazing debut novel. And if you don't win, GO BUY IT NOW. You can thank me in Chuckles and Butter Tarts later.

A. Prostitute
B. Artist
C. Foodie

As usual, you have two days to get your answers in. Then I'll pick a winner on Friday and Danielle will autograph a copy and send it to you.

End of chat.

Sleeping With Ward Cleaver

Because I love the Debs I'm having another shoe contest for Jenny Gardiner, one of the 2008 Debs. Just yesterday DearReader.com chose Sleeping with Ward Cleaver as their book pick this week.

This is a very funny look at what happens in a marriage when Your Husband turns into Your Father and suddenly an old boyfriend doesn't look so bad.Same rules as always, names in a bowl, contest open until Midnight Thursday and winner announced on Friday. Then Jenny sends you an autographed copy and we all go to heaven in a little row boat. If you don't know that song, you're too young to read this blog.

Guess what era this shoe display is from:

A. The 1950's

B. The 1960's

C. The 1970's

Men Fake Foreplay Winner Is....

So many correct answers this time. Mrs. K, Anne, Jami, Pam, Erin, Beckie, Susan, Traci, Heather, Janet, Melly196, Aerin, Eileen, Chandler in Las Vegas (who even got the play right), Allison (also got the play right) and Lannalee. It was MARIO LOPEZ!

All the names went into a bowl and I drew out the winner.

Congratulations Heather! Send me your snail mail and Mike will get an autographed copy out to you.

For those of you who live in the Los Angeles area, you can catch Mike's show of Men Fake Foreplay opening on Friday July 25th and running every Saturday at 8 PM through August 23 at the Actors Art Theater on Wilshire near Fairfax.

I'm back at Uproarious today talking about my favorite female comic. She confused me with a TV and stage star, which I was not happy about.

Coming in August! Another shoe contest for one of The Debs. Remember these past books? Driving Sideways by Jess Riley and Unpredictable by Eileen Cook? Another Deb has written a book you're all going to love, Sleeping with Ward Cleaver, by Jenny Gardiner. They have just announced the 2009 Debs so if you're looking for fun reads bookmark their website since they have lots of interesting writers over there. And I'm pimping them out in a total selfless manner because I DO NOT have a book for sale and I'm the Mother Teresa of blogging. Shut Up.


End of chat.

Men Fake Foreplay Contest!

Remember when I told you I knew a man who wrote a funny book?

Well here it is! It's the new shoe contest starring Men Fake Foreplay , an extremely funny book by comedian and Emmy award winning writer Mike Dugan.

It's the perfect read for both women and men. Doesn't matter if you're married or single, you'll love it. Here are some of my favorite quotes and after you read those, go to the bottom for the picture of men's shoes. And let me just say upfront that it was no mean feat (ahem) to find men's shoes I could use.

When I was single I had nine lamps in my house. At one point I waited till I got down to one bulb that I'd carry from room to room. And it would waste a lot of time because you gotta sit there in the dark waiting for it to cool down. That's why men leave their socks lying around - we need them for oven mitts.

Women have an intelligence network that rivals the CIA. They make the Internet look like two tin cans with string tied between them. I guarantee if you screw over a woman tonight, by tomorrow morning you'll be on a shit list in Afghanistan. Women are basically researchers. Especially in bed. That only looks like a negligee; it's really a lab coat.

Here's another great example of how single men will cut corners. I bought a set of dishes for the first time when I was 32. I had owned the bachelor cereal bowls before but this time I left the store with eight place settings. Because I took a woman along with me to help me pick them out. This should give you an idea of how women think differently than men. She said, "Definitely get eight place settings...you'll want to entertain, you know, have people over for dinner. What was I thinking? "Eight meals in a row without doing the dishes." Not including eating the cereal out of the coffee cups.

When a woman asks you to open up and share your feelings with her, it's important to understand that "I'd like to have sex with you and your best friend" isn't a feeling. It's a mistake.

I wish men were a little more aware of the damage they create when they talk about a woman behind her back. The damage I'm talking about, of course, is that women would be much more inclined to have sex with us if we would just shut the fuck up.

And speaking of oral sex-don't you think they should make beds about three feet longer so your legs don't dangle off the end of the bed? Or make your knees bend the other way or something...I've been looking for a bed with leaves that fold out like a dining room table.

So here's the contest picture:
Which one of these Broadway stars do these shoes belong to?

A. Clay Aiken

B. Kevin Kline

C. Mario Lopez

Same rules as always. Contest will be open for two days and you get one vote. Then I'll take the correct answers, put them in a bowl and pick the winner who will be announced on Wednesday. Then Mike will send you an autographed copy. For those of you who don't win but who want a great bargain on the book, go here and he'll sell the book for only $9.95 INCLUDING shipping and handling! And then go to his website and read all his amazing reviews.

The Naptime Winner Is....

Before I forget, I have a new piece up at Scrivel today called He Married Who? About how shocked I am with my exes and the women they've chosen to be with.

Thanks to everyone who participated in this contest. I have another one coming up with a very funny book written by a man. Remember them?

There were ten people who had the correct answers for this contest. Jami, Martha Jane, That Chick Over There, Jennifer, Melly, chicmama!, Mrs. K, Deb, Mrs. S, and gm country mama. Mrs. K has guessed correctly on every shoe contest, 3 so far, so I was hoping she'd win. But she didn't. I was also hoping gm country mama would win because she's an old friend of Stefanie's and is mentioned in Stef's first book. But she didn't.

Four pairs of the shoes have appeared on my blog because they're mine. The only pair that did not belong to me were B. All of the shoes are new except the ones in D. Those were the boots I wore on New Year's Eve at Lompoc Maximum Security Prison in 1993 when I did two shows there. Spare me your snipes on them unless you've played a prison. No one? Didn't think so.

So congratulations to the winner, That Chick Over There! Chick, send me your snail mail and I'll forward it to Stefanie so she can sign and send your book out to you. It's a very funny read and for those of you who don't own this book or Stefanie's first one, Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay, shame on you. Run to Amazon.com. Or Barnes and Noble.com. Or to a bar. Although you won't get much reading done there. And they don't sell books. Did someone say Mojitos?

End of chat.

Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay Naptime Is The New Happy Hour Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

Naptime Is The New Happy Hour Contest

If you haven't heard of Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's books, you might be dead. She's been on The Today Show five times and is also part of The Fashion Police for Us Weekly. She's currently working on her third book, Why Won't Suzy Soro Stop Stealing My Preemie's Meds?

So here's the question that could win you her hilarious latest book, Naptime is the New Happy Hour. Which of the shoes below has NOT been on my blog?

You only get ONE letter guess and the winner will be announced on Wednesday.

Because I'm leaving the contest open for two days. That means until Midnight PST on Tuesday 24th. If there are multiple winners all the names go into a hat and I choose one without cheating. Anonymous entries will not be accepted unless you've signed your name since I'm really grouchy these days.

To get an idea of the other fabulous, funny books my friends have written and given away on this blog, click on the Contests link at the bottom of this post. If you want your funny book to have a shoe contest, start kissing ass now. Fortunately I've lost 16 pounds so it shouldn't take long back there.

A

B

C

D

E

End of chat.

And The Winners Were!

The black and gold shoe was made by Prada and thus the hefty price tag of $750. The black and white shoe was made by Christian LaCroix and had a New York phone number next to it. When I called and asked for the price I was told that "We do not have that shoe in production."

So the correct answer to the contest was D. "This shoe cost $0 because the shoe is not in production." And if I may? HOW DUMB IS THAT TO PUT A SHOE IN A MAGAZINE, GIVE THE PHONE NUMBER AND THEN TELL A CUSTOMER YOU'RE NOT MAKING IT? Why not just SAY that in the photo caption? It's not like there's George Clooney on the other end of that phone number and that's the booby prize you get for making the call FOR NOTHING.

Okay, I'm back. So the following 8 people got the answer right:

1. Mrs. K

2. MJ

3. Karin

4. Pam

5. barbaraca

6. Kyddryn

7. Jen

8. kamewh

I put all the names in a bowl:
And picked the winner:

Congratulations Pam! Send me your snail mail so I can forward it to Eileen Cook, the author of Unpredictable. She will autograph a copy and send it out to you.

End of chat.

Prada Christian LaCroix Eileen Cook Unpredictable

Another Free Giveaway Contest!

The winner of this contest receives a free autographed copy of Eileen Cook's first novel, Unpredictable. I laughed out loud three times on the first page, to give you an idea of the funny level of this book.

So here is the contest. The first shoe pictured, the black and gold one, costs $750.00.

You have ONE guess for the second shoe. Again, if there are multiple winners, their names will be put into a hat and chosen at random.


How much does this black and white shoe cost?



A. This shoe cost $125.00
B. This shoe cost $65.00
C. This shoe cost $795.00
D. This shoe cost $0 because it's not in production

Good luck!

And The Winner Is!

The celebrity was Susan Sarandon and two people got it right, Mrs K and Jenn. I put each name in a hand behind my back and McLoserstene chose a hand and the winner was Jenn! Please email me your address and I'll forward it to Jess who will autograph a book and get it out to you. Congratulations!

And to Tommy and to barbaraca, you were on the right path but like me with marriage, just couldn't seem to make that final commitment.

Thanks to everyone who participated, even Tommy who cheated by Googling Shoes and Celebrities and came up with Shoebunny.com. However, once I checked out their website I realized it was fabulous and they're now on my sidebar. So even though I'd like to smack Tommy, I can't. Maybe next time?

Driving Sideways came out yesterday so click on this link and order it on Amazon.com.
http://www.amazon.com/Driving-Sideways-Novel-Jess-Riley/dp/0345501101/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210641915&sr=8-1

End of chat.

Free Giveaway Contest Clue # 1

None of yesterday's guesses were correct.

So here's clue # 1: American Movie Star who is not married but has children.

Free Giveaway Contest!

I'm giving away an autographed copy of my beautiful friend Jess Riley's first novel Driving Sideways. She has a terrific sense of humor, which you can see for yourself by reading Riley's Ramblings on my sidebar. There are a pair of shoes on the cover of her book so this contest has to do with shoes. I know, shocking.

This contest centers on a celebrity. It's the same celebrity wearing two different pairs of shoes. Her choice in footwear is so tragic that her celebrity badge should be revoked immediately. I think it goes without saying she has no stylist.

You can only vote for ONE name a day. If someone has already left your guess, it doesn't matter, leave yours anyway. You may both be wrong! Why one guess only? Because I'm very, very mean. Actually, I just don't want people to throw out a million names that they've copied from People Magazine.

If there are no winners on day 1, a clue will be revealed the next day. If there are no winners on day 2, there will be a clue every day until we have a winner or multiple winners. In that case I will put those names into a hat and choose the winner.

And for those of you who want to give me the "I don't care about fashion" line, you're lying. Fashion is art so if you like art, you can appreciate fashion. I've yet to meet a person, male or female, who didn't care or else they'd all be wearing bathrobes to the office and barbecue aprons to church. There's that great line from The Devil Wears Prada where Streep rips Anne Hathaway a new one for saying "It's only a belt." Remember that line? She said that fashion keeps millions of people employed and that 'belt' you put on was obviously to your liking or else you'd be wearing string cheese to hold up your pants. Or something like that.

Footwear Tip Of The Day: In the days when dinosaurs our mothers roamed the Earth, the purse and shoes always had to match. Today that is considered a BIG no-no.

End of chat.

Technorati Tags: Driving Sideways Jess Riley Riley's Ramblings