Never Underestimate The Power Of The Stupid

I feel sorry for President Obama. I feel sorry for him because rumors don't die. Hello Richard Gere and Is Your Gerbil Still Alive?

Sidebar: It's probably noteworthy that I spelled RUMOR like this: RUMER, when I first typed it. If you don't know who RUMER is, there's hope for you. Just don't call me because we'll have no one to make fun of.

Rumors are always started by The Stupid. People who haven't left their neighborhood in 20 years and who get their news from PopEater.com.

Okay, so that sentence happens to describe me. And no I'm not going to show you my grades from one of the top 50 universities in the U.S. because I got an INCOMPLETE in SINGING.

Then went on to star in a musical review in Paris. Where I sang. Badly and incompletely.

Yet Another Sidebar: I'm the one in the middle, wearing a 2 foot tall headdress and sitting. While everyone else is standing. I may have gotten an incomplete in Singing but I got an A in Yelling At The Director.

Last year a rumor about me was started by Frogs and Lizards, the crazy lunatic manager of this building. She slashed some pool floats but told people I'd done it. The floats belonged to the girl downstairs who had 2 barking dogs that wouldn't shut up. I complained about them to upper management and blamed Frogs and Lizards for not properly vetting a tenant. In 2009, when Dog Wars broke out, (8 dogs in 6 apartments out of 21 units. With an echoing courtyard) it marked the beginning of me wanting to leave this place.

So by 2010 I was fed up living here. In March of that same year Frogs and Lizards started another rumor about me, that I reset the intercom and didn't tell anyone the new code. Because that's my secret dream, to lock everyone out on the street and then if by some miracle they should zip line their way in and go for a swim? THEY'D DROWN BECAUSE THE POOL FLOATS WERE SLASHED.

If you knew me at all you'd realize I'm far too lazy to have considered either of those incidents. I would have had to drag myself away from Twitter and that's not going to happen any time soon.

By the time the new manager took over I addressed the issue and made fun of the rumors. The new manager said, "You'd be surprised how many people think you did it."

In March of this year we had a huge storm. Lots of wind, lots of rain. The wind knocked over a plant and spread dirt all over the stairs leading down to the pool deck. Like every other resident manager except one,  this one doesn't sweep the stairs. So I had dirt and debris all over my worn, faded and disgusting looking carpet. Which, after 20 years, upper management refused to replace, which is a city wide housing LAW.

When the resident manager came into my apartment, I asked her to remove her shoes as the stairs hadn't been swept HINT HINT HINT. I mentioned all the dirt that littered the area and she looked at me and said, "I wonder who did it?"

I wanted to answer "A very revengeful dog barking hating rain storm that couldn't get into the building with the old code and then almost drowned with the help of a slashed pool float" but thought she might actually believe me. Did she think I'd done it? After all, the dirt affected my apartment directly so why wouldn't I do it, you know, just to make living here more of a hell than it already was?

So yes, I feel sorry for Obama. One untrue rumor can lead to other untrue rumors and now part of his legacy will be this unnecessary blight brought on by The Stupids.

I don't care whether you voted for him or not, or like him or not, why must a black president have to prove his American birth when Presidents Bush Sr. and Jr. didn't have to?

And everyone knows Texas is not part of America.

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

I haven't done a Bite Me post in a while. I started them in February of 2008 and have written 103 of them. They came about because in 2000, I was dating a man who I've referred to in this blog as Elvis. He didn't live in Los Angeles because to quote my dad, "If there's an easy way to do something and a hard way, you'll always pick the hard way."

One day I was particularly annoyed. The local supermarket had moved the sushi display to the other side of the store without telling me and I had wandered from aisle to aisle looking for the crew from Punk'd. Later I called Elvis and said, "Well, it's everybody can bite me Tuesday!"

He laughed.

When I started this series I changed the day to Friday because Friday just sounds more badass than the sad and sickly Tuesday. So here we go. Number 104.

The drama in my building continues. The manager, the one who turned this complex into an Amphibian Park, was fired two weeks ago. The tenant who complained about her the most went around with a petition that said she was unjustly fired. He bypassed my apartment because he did not want to die young.

We used to have 8 dogs in 6 apartments. Frogs and Lizards, my name for the manager, put in 4 more dogs so after we finally got rid of 4 (2 of which didn't bark at all) we're now at 8 dogs in 5 APARTMENTS. (Did anyone get lost in that math problem?)

Did I mention Frogs and Lizards is partially deaf? Being deaf is not a big deal, but when people in 20 apartments have to talk to you and you can't hear a thing? Kind of a big deal. For 3 months she refused to put her name on the intercom as the manager. Since I had been interim manager for the month of February, my name remained and my doorbell rang constantly. Luckily it's hooked up to the phone and I have caller ID so I never picked up when the front door rang. After I complained for 3 months, during which time Frogs and Lizards accused me of tampering with the intercom code and not telling anyone what the new one was, Upper Management got her to replace my name with hers.

Tampering with the intercom code? Seriously, I know I don't look that busy on any given day but are you kidding me?

If you're one of those individuals who can't leave your house without a phone and must be tethered to it at all times, have you noticed that everyone who lives in my building is an asshole? No? Why? Because you were on the phone.

An iPhone in LA costs $1200 a year to operate. Apple will keep churning out new ones until they have sucked every last penny from your bank account. Along with ATT they're laughing all the way to the bank. They may even own the bank at this point. T w e l v e h u n d r e d d o l l a r s.

Today I was talking to Verizon and they said I was eligible for an upgrade to a DVR. The salesperson launched into all the perks of DVR ownership. Not ownership. LENDERSHIP. It pauses and replays live shows. It tapes shows and all this goodness will only set me back $240 dollars a year, $10 a month for the box and $7.99 a month for the service. So for $240 dollars a year I get to pause and replay a live show. And for an extra $1200 I can call you on my iPhone and tell you about it.

This weekend is always nostalgic for me. July 4th was my parent's wedding anniversary. They were married for 29 years. They should have been married for about 12. Our name means *stubborn* in German. Mom married one more time after Dad and Dad married 2 more times after Mom. Our name also means *unlucky-in-love* in Swedish.

10 years ago this holiday I spent the best 3 day weekend of my life. With Elvis. The best sex, the most love and laughter, the most connected I'd ever been to any man before or since. The next morning, when he asked me if I remembered when he picked me up and threw me on the bed, after we did it on the floor, I looked at him and said in a dreamy voice, "Ummmmmmmm."

"You don't remember that, do you?"

"Not at all."

This week's award goes to Apartment Managers everywhere. For not remembering that the most important part of your job is to keep your tenants happy FIRST. Not to put lizards in the lobby.

End of chat.

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

Remember that metal lizard behind the birdcage in my building lobby? Well sometimes, just when you think things can't get worse? MAGIC HAPPENS AND IT DOES.

It took steroids. And MOVED! The manager, or as I refer to her, Frogs and Lizards, (because she decorates with reptiles and amphibians) haz her mad metal skilz on.

Lindy just had a birthday. No one in our family has ever made a big deal about birthdays.

"Yes, you were born. And now I have to hear about it once a year for the rest of your life? Because you were so unique that you were BORN?"

However, people on Twitter make a big deal about their birthday.

"My birthday is in 3 days!"

"2 days until my birthday!!!!"

"Today's my birthday!! I'm going to get my drink on!!!!"

"We're at (place you've never heard of in a city you'd never move to) and we'fe geting our drunk goin!!!"

"Oh my god I'm sooo drunkingly!!!!!!"

"I canrt spel an uno y? BECAUS IM DRUNK AN ITS NY NIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!"

This is a picture from my sister's birthday. She did not get her drink on, until later, but which is more sad? That Lindy was boarding dogs on that day or that I was taking a picture of it?

So for all the freaks who have the importance of their birthday confused with the signing of the Declaration of Independence I have this to say:

The Declaration of Independence was signed, wasn't it? Maybe I'm thinking of the Bill of Rights.

I'm pretty sure I didn't do that well in American History. Except for the part about Pocahontas when they discussed what she was wearing. Where do you think bikers got fringe from?

THAT'S RIGHT, Pocafuckinghontas.

End of chat.