Saturday, June 02, 2007

Mailbag # 1


Anonymous snippets from emails I've received over the last 6 months:

Don’t tell anyone but I spend way too much energy on the Anna Nicole Smith case. It’s like a freak show meets a train wreck and I am powerless to look away.

My cousin is making me a party with a Mexican theme. For some reason she thinks I like Mexican food. I could take it or leave but didn't want to hurt her feelings. If I want Mexican I'll move to L.A.

PLEASE don't feel badly if you'd prefer not to receive my promotional emails! Just be really sweet when you respond to tell me.

I sat down with my husband and guess what he was watching on TV? A show on how to accessorize your WEEDWACKER, he even shushed me.

If you want to know how boring my life is, here is my favorite site to visit: www.AutomaticWasher.org - I am trying to solve the excruciating problem of excess lint in my washing machine. But seriously, these people are crazy for washing machines, especially the vintage ones. I've spent a few hours viewing the collections, while sipping Chardonnay. G thinks I’m crazy and I'm still mad at him for getting rid of my harvest gold Maytag that worked perfectly.

As for exes, I look for my ex-husband whenever I see the show Cops on TV.

Do you know how long I've waited to sleep with you? I've even started going to AA meetings again to bump into you.


I am laughing because I don't know why that is funny.

My friend & I followed Michael J. Fox and his wife around that neat stuffed animal store in the valley. We knew everything in their basket, then we left when they did.... and tried to follow them home - I must say he is good - he lost us within about 2 street turns.

do you go out with men and have relationships?

I am so glad I don’t have children! But I suppose this means I’ll be a prime candidate for some nursing home where the attendants will steal my jewelry.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING INTERESTING? I am so bored I could faint.

I’m really upset--only you would understand.

Frank
Welcome to HP Total Care for Scanjet & Photosmart Products. My name is Frank. How may I assist you today?

Suzy Soro
My scanjet started printing out everything in lavender.

Frank
I am sorry to hear this. However, let me see how best I can help you. Could you please provide me a detailed description of the issue which would help me assist you better?

Suzy Soro
I click on the third button to the right, the scan to print button, and it prints, but it comes out in lavender. It didn't do this when I first got it so I'm not sure what happened.

Frank
Could you elaborate Lavender?

Suzy Soro
Lavender is a color.

Frank
Okay.

Suzy Soro
A light purple color.

Frank
And what is the problem with the lavender?

Suzy Soro
It’s not black.

Frank
Oh.

I logged off of HP Live Help. Frank can go fuck himself and the Filipino pony he rode in on.

End of a frank chat.

4 comments:

  1. for real i wish i had such witty friends :) i've started getting emails asking for advice- can't wait to write it out! still feeling sorry about the u n ci rcum siz ed p e ni s picture now! LMAO I blushed! I seriously blushed! I can't look at those freaking things again!

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  2. Hey! I'm your friend and I'm MORE than just witty. I'm a fucking comedy MACHINE.

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  3. Anonymous10:58 PM

    I spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how to make my comment post in lavender, then I got distracted by a cocktail. So, everybody squint till this is light purple.

    --Abeyta

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  4. Yay! I made the cut!
    Is that good or bad?

    ReplyDelete