Monday, June 25, 2007

Malibu, California

McLoserstene, her friend Kristin and I went to Malibu last week. Malibu is a great place to visit if you want to look at houses you’ll never own, cars you’ll never drive and people you’ll never sleep with. Approaching the town, we saw deer grazing on the lawn of Pepperdine University, a noted landmark of this seaside enclave. Pepperdine sits high above the ocean off Pacific Coast Highway and is a school for the rich. I have no idea whether it’s a good university or whether they study how to pick out china patterns but those kids have better cars than any of my friends.

Speaking of cars, we didn’t see any cool ones once we got down to the Malibu Country Mart, the mall you see in all the tabloids and entertainment shows. On a good day you see the Maseratis, Ferraris and Porsches but this was the only car we saw besides all the ubiquitous Benzs. We went into Canvas, where they sell limited-edition Nike sneakers. A high-end pair of men’s shoes were $500. I found a pair of pin-striped for $95.00 thanks to McLoserstene. She's the person who memorizes your taste and then goes shopping with you and points you to the thing you overlook. I was looking at a pair of sneaks made of straw when she pointed out that these were cooler. (I'm changing out the white shoelaces) There used to be a lingerie store in the place of Canvas so I asked the saleslady what happened to it. She said the monthly rents went up. I asked her how much they could have gone up and she said they went up to $30,000 a month. Totally reasonable. If you’re the Sultan of Brunei.
This restaurant is always in the tabloids. Jennifer Aniston lives here. Nobu New York is the original and is co-owned by Robert de Niro. This one is more casual but just as expensive. A pair of blue-fin tuna toro sushi is $18.00. This is from their menu: succulent broiled black cod with miso, rock shrimp tempura with ponzu sauce, new-style sashimi, a broth perfumed with aromatic matsutake mushrooms, seared toro, and sizzling Kobe beef. At $500 a pound, that Kobe better be sizzling.

I have no idea what any of it tastes like since it’s only open for dinner and I’m always there during the day. I got a hamburger across the way at an outdoorsy shack place and that cost eight bucks (I had cheese on it) so it’s probably a good thing that Nobu is closed for lunch.

We went to Planet Blue, which usually kicks your ass in a serious way, ditto Madison and Ron Herman, but nothing was getting us off. I saw a beautiful dress with some cleavage coming my way and I was so taken with the dress that I only gave the woman's face a cursory glance. Kristin and McLoserstene started whispering that it was Brooke Burke. I looked for my camera but couldn’t find it, mainly because I’d stuck it in the Nike bag.

“Do you even know who she is?” McLoserstene asked.
“Well of course I do.”
“Who is she?”
“She was on that show. Last summer.”

We moved on to Indiana Joan’s, then L’Occitane and Ralph Lauren, my home away from home. I bought some black sunglasses which Kristin is wearing in this picture with McLoserstene. Note to Ralph Lauren, for $227.33, you might want to make a carrying case that fits the glasses. And even though your rent is $30,000 a month, throw in a bag with the purchase as opposed to having the saleslady say “Why don’t you just put them in your Nike bag?” You're giving away a paper bag, not an ingot.
Look at this picture. Doesn't it look like McLoserstene's knees are pointing forward? Either those jeans are weird or she has a secret job with Cirque du Soleil. As we exited RL, there was Brooke again, only McLoserstene and Kristin waited until she had walked by to tell me. They really hate me. I searched my purse trying to find my camera but I couldn’t locate it because I'd now stashed it in my Ralph bag, which I had to beg for.

$380.50, (not counting the cheeseburger) a really old Rolls Royce and Brooke Burke. And no pictures of the ocean. I lived in NYC for 14 years and never went to the Statue of Liberty. Same thing.

End of chat.


  1. Are those real live deer?
    I occasionally meet my dad and his girlfriend at the designer outlet stores in Manchester. I love to let my kids run amuck inside the fancy stores while I ignore them and any looks I might get from sales clerks.
    I love those sneakers.

  2. Malibu is full of wildlife. Coyotes, deer, Nick Nolte.

    Yeh, they're real.

  3. Love the post, I laughed.

    In a nice way ( :

  4. stupid question- what do you wear with those sneakers?

  5. Anonymous5:01 PM

    They're opening a Nobu in Waikiki. Uh-oh. There goes the neighborhood...
    Martha Jane

  6. Jane, you wear them with jeans or camo. Or a bathrobe.

  7. check cool malibu blog: chick sez she lives in a trailer on the beach. can that even be real?

  8. Hey CJ, thanks for the link. I checked out the Malibu blog. She's wrong about l'Occitane, it's been there for years. But Ralph is new. There is a 'trailer park' in Malibu. It's cheap and they have a view of the ocean. You pass it on the way there.

    Thanks for stopping by...

  9. Do you ever eat at Neptune's Net? I hear it's supposed to be good. I never really treat Malibu as a destination in and of itself, just a nice alternative to the 101 and 405 when I'm driving to LAX.

  10. Jaimie3:32 PM

    Nice post...

    But just to clarify... Pepperdine students do not study how to pick out china patterns. It's a very competitive school that is one of the best liberal arts colleges in the country.

  11. Sorry Jaimie.

    Uhhhhhh, I'm a comedian. Sometimes we try and say funny stuff.

  12. Thanks for the photo-tour! Yes, McLoserstene's jeans make her look like the waist equivalent of Linda Blair.

    And I spent 11 years in San Francisco, never seeing Alcatraz. It's nice to know that it's a universal/locals thing.

  13. Eva, I spent 3 years in S.F., I never saw it either. I'm amazed I even leave my house since apparently I don't see anything...

  14. Here's the secret to getting out of Nobu without needing a 2nd mortgage:

    1) Go to the one in ASPEN (it's called Matsuhisa there)

    2) Go during mid- to late-October (it's off-season and things are WAY less expensive and you can get in without a wait)

    3) Go with someone who has a Colorado drivers license... they offer 50% discounts for "locals"

    The only problem with this theory, is that when everything looks that cheap, you eat twice as much and it all evens out.