Friday, January 30, 2009
They're the hospital that laid off a married couple recently here in L.A. Then the man went home and killed his family, his wife and 5 children. So I'm thinking they need to pull that ad since their tag line at the end of the commercial is "Thrive."
A man would have written When I grow up I want to have a younger woman. A young, young, young, young, young, young woman," so he was assigned to another account.
A woman in Hollywood would have written, "When I grow up I want to have free Botox. Free, free, free, free, free, free Botox."
The day of McLoserstene/Jill's birthday we went to Victoria's Secret because she wanted a raspberry colored bra. RASPBERRY. I took out my camera and surreptiously took a picture of her with her head in a drawer full of thongs. All of a sudden this woman screams at me from across the store: NO PHOTOGRAPHY ALLOWED IN THE STORE. I put my finger to my lips to shush her and went over and whispered that my friend hated having her picture taken but it was her 30th birthday but she didn't care because why piss off customers when your store is almost empty? Victoria's Secret is the company that was sued by a woman because they stole her PATENTED 100 ways bra.
Shouldn't I be taking pictures of THEM?
The drug dealer who lives in the apartment next to me has been in a state prison and is finally getting evicted. One of his girlfriends was covering for him and moved into his apartment to keep it looking occupied. He's been gone for a YEAR and management just found out. We've known for a while but didn't want a homeless woman on the street. Plus she never dealt drugs and was really nice although I could never remember her name. For the last few years we've had limos idling at the curb at 2:00 a.m. or guys jumping a wall and coming in a door Mr. Druggerton would leave open for them. Cops were called multiple times because there had been incidents of chairs dumped in the pool and broken glass flying out his windows. Once I called 911 because I heard a woman in his bedroom screaming for help. I told them not to come to me since I lived next door and was afraid Mr. Druggerton would send a thug after me.
The cops came. To my apartment.
The police finally went to his apartment, the Yeller talked to the cops and then she and Mr. Druggerton went back in the apartment; the screaming was reduced to yelling and I said Fuck Em.
This building is a trip.
Right after the inauguration, AOL had pictures of Martin Luther King, Jr. on every page, on every banner. I called my sister and said I thought it was rude that they had MLK's picture all over their pages instead of Obama's.
There was a huge pause.
"Yeah, in that it was Martin Luther King, Jr.'s holiday? VERY rude."
And the woman who had octuplets with 6 kids at home, no husband and she's 33 is really a moron. The doctors here are calling it a tragedy for the octuplets. And yet she'll still probably get married before me.
End of chat.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
When I bought this jacket I was so delirious with joy that I called another Pom Pon reject, the friend I've had since the second grade, Jamey. (and no I don't know if it's one pom or two poms I only know I didn't MAKE IT so stop asking me) I tortured her by bragging about my jacket. To give you an idea about how bitter we were, we once went down to the high school AFTER OUR COLLEGE DAYS and Jamey bought some fake Pom Pons and we took pictures of ourselves in front of the gym door WHERE ALL THE POM PONS GIRLS HAD THEIR EYEBALLS EATEN OUT BY ARSON-PRONE CATS AND THEN DIED IN A FIRE WHICH THEY TOTALLY DESERVED.
I was thrilled with this jacket even though it had another girl's name on the front. Jill.
So man up, McLoserstene. I just outed you. Without your head, as per your instructions. You look better headless and you and I both know it.
If you people never hear from me again, you'll know why although a lot of you figured it out from our other job on my sidebar: Professional Money Spenders.
I met her at around the same time I bought the coat. I wore it a couple of times and when her 30th was looming I took it out to show her. She was TWO YEARS OLD when some whore of a Pom Pon girl was underneath the bleachers with the captain of the football team wearing this jacket and swallowing. (that even grossed me out and I'm ungrossoutable)
So I gave my $1.00 jacket to her yesterday for her birthday and it fits HER better than it fit me which I find ENORMOUSLY irritating.
Her brother's nickname as a kid was Jamie.
End of chat.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
And yes, I've sent the package to the agent who requested it.
Ann Abeyta told me Sundance was not only freezing but expensive. After living in LA, that didn't surprise me. A martini STARTS at $7.50 here. So she and Grae go into a bar and in front of them overhear a couple from the Midwest ordering drinks. They were told the drinks were $3.50 each. The couple was shocked that any cocktail could cost that much. So when Ann and Grae got to the bar behind them, they ordered two each. Score!
I went to Costco and was in there 20 minutes, bought 4 items and left. I had carefully remembered where I parked my car and used a red umbrella for a site marker. Imagine my surprise when I walked straight back to it and found another car parked in my space. I had to hike back to the front door and call security. I called my sister during the FIFTEEN MINUTES it took security to find it. She recounted her own Costco Lost Car story. The security guy she got, Manuel, made her get in the front seat with him as he drove around since her car is white and every car in LA is white except mine, which is purple.
She and Manuel are riding slowly along when a Rolls Royce cruises by.
"Linda? Is that YOU?" She looks over and it's her friend, David Niven, Jr., the son of legendary actor David Niven. Mortified, she says "Yes" as if this was a normal, everyday occurrence in her life and Manuel is her husband.
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for my car."
"Well get off that thing and get in mine; I'll help you look."
"No thanks, I'm fine."
And she rode off with Manuel. Humiliated. Although she said it was hard to tell which of the three of them looked more stunned.
End of chat.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
We couldn't have done any of it without the support of our friends. Especially ones like Suzy who have loaned their considerable talent to come on the show and chat with us about films. When it came time to post my Top Ten of the Year I took some heat because I told people they would have to come to Suzy’s site to read it. In fact I knew the only one that wouldn’t give me shit about it would be my co-host Grae Drake. That’s because she gets it. She does the show with me every week and she gets that it’s a huge honor and a large part of our success that somebody like Suzy would even agree to do our show. The reason I wouldn’t consider posting it on our site is simple, Suzy believed in me doing this before anybody else did.
So, set your Netflix to stun. Thanks for having me back, Suzy.
(This is some serious sucking up, Abeyta. What do you want?)
1. Synecdoche, New York – Man! What an absolute mind fuck this one was. It’s like the dollar menu at Taco Bell, beautiful and sad and filled with so much mystery. Pure unfiltered Charlie Kaufman.
2. The Dark Knight – This was a smaller independent film that you may not have heard of yet. I know it’s pretentious to put this kind of stuff on your top ten list, but as I get older being a film geek gets harder & harder. You have seen it all and generally you are never going to be affected by it as powerfully as that first time you saw it. You become like a junkie and end up having to go farther and farther just to get the same high. The next thing you know you are arguing with a guy in un-ironic horn rim glasses about Fellini’s real masterpiece being La Strada. So, I had always promised myself when I started doing this I would try to keep the smaller films that weren’t accessible to everybody off my top ten unless they really blew me away. It’s dark & moody, but don’t let that keep you from it because the acting is incredible. You might have to dig a little, but this one is worth it.
3. The Fall – Gorgeous. That’s the only word I can think of to describe this film. Strangely, it’s also the only word that describes Lee Pace, (Pushing Daisies star) who is beyond brilliant in this movie and I would stand in the freezing rain for hours just to have him lick my baby… and I don’t even know what that means. I also don’t have a baby, which would make the whole thing even more tragic and awkward than you are imagining. Standing in the rain holding up a stolen baby for him to lick. p.s - Our review of this film was one of my favorite shows that we did this year. Go to our website and listen to Guys in Hammer Pants vs Guys in Leather Fedoras (6-2-2008)
4. Happy Go Lucky – I saw this way late in its run. I caught a late show and I have never been in a theater where that few people (5) were laughing that hard. Ever. All of us were wiping tears away and were all absolutely enraptured by Sally Hawkins (Golden Globe bitches!) and Eddie Marson. Side note: that Eddie didn’t get nominated for a Golden Globe I consider proof that God does not exist. See how easy that was, Bill Maher?
5. The Reader - This is the film that Kate Winslet was in this year that everybody should be talking about. Here’s the strange part. Last year I had the movie Once on my top ten list. A beautiful film that sparked a huge debate between the lovely comedian Suzy Soro and myself about pedophilia. (I have no memory of this conversation and fear she made it up) I made a comment about having to ignore pedophilia laws in order to truly and completely enjoy the film. Suzy, being an expert on pedophilia, (This part is true) patiently informed me that Oncewas a May/December romance and that I should quit getting people’s hopes up. So, after seeing The Reader I got all excited because I would get to use those jokes again this year! All I would have to do was change Ireland to Germany and presto! Get your pick-axe out kids because today we are mining comedy gold! Then halfway through writing it, it dawns on me… it’s a damn May/December romance again! Foiled once (no pun intended) more! I guess I will never get to use these jokes unless Larry Clark does another film. Do not miss this film it’s incredible.
6. The Wrestler – Welcome home Mickey. (I think he and Madonna changed faces).
7. Wall*e – Wow! Pixar just crushes it yet again. The first 45 minutes is some of the best film making I have ever seen. I don’t know how they got the brutally accurate comment on Americans and American society past the studio heads. I do however know this, I am glad they did and it was overdue. It had none of the lacerating wit of Idiocracy, but managed to pack all of the same punch while being ham-stringed by being a children’s film with the rating to match. This film would be a remarkable achievement under any circumstances, but to think they pulled all that off just makes me shake my head with wonder. (I hated this movie so much there are no words).
8. Slumdog Millionaire – The kind of film that makes you wish you had one of those MIB mind blank thingies just so you could watch it again for the first time. Who would have thought blinding children and watching them sleep in trash could be so uplifting!
9. Let The Right One In – “It’s the greatest Swedish vampire film I have ever seen! - Mike C.” On our Halloween special Marc Heuck called this shot like he was the Babe Ruth of Film Geeks. We had a bunch of e-mail questions for him and one of my favorite’s was the simplest, “What’s your favorite modern/newer horror film.” Marc just quietly hung his head down and pointed towards Sweden.
10. Waltz With Bashir – Here’s an easy sell, “An animated documentary into the horrors of the 1982 Lebanon war.” Why don’t you just take a flying/running/jumping kick directly into my uterus? I would rather do math recreationally than sit through an hour and a half of that. What’s the poster tagline? “Finally a film for everybody that doesn’t have to re-new their driver’s license!” “Already had your teeth cleaned? Then Waltz With Bashir is for you!” The distance and artistic freedom caused by choosing to animate this allows director Ari Folman to go to places few directors have been. I have never seen anything like it and the only thing that I have even seen come close to matching the power of it is Graveyard of the Fireflies.
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Man On Wire
Burn After Reading
Young At Heart
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
This is me putting on a brave face because the coat and I are going up over Bosnian airspace to do Meet and Greets to the soldiers.
End of chat.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Or for the OCD (my sister) among us:
Once a neighbor asked my sister to give her the names of all her favorite household products, including for marble and granite. My sister sat at her computer and composed a list of FIFTEEN must-haves. Seriously, I'm afraid of her and her sponge.
Back to Pink Dot. These miserable people are open 365 days a year, 7 days a week until 3:00 a.m. They are always on time and charge $3.50 to deliver. And their prices are reasonable and they give you huge portions. How DARE they?
I've now turned McLoserstene on to them and she ordered Pasta Primavera which was to die for. Then Jenny got strep throat and I took her one of their menus.
I'm sorry MJ that I didn't GET IT. But I still curse you because now there is no reason to leave the house. Unless my sister and her sponge come for a visit.
End of chat.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thanks Restasis!** I mean Blogtations.
End of chat.
**That Restasis quote is so obscure that whoever remembers the celebrity who said it in the first commercial I'll send a comedy CD from my collection. Since I haven't yet sent out the two past winners, but they're packed and ready to go, it'll be in the mail éventuellement comme on dit en Français.*
*I hope I spelled that right, Mom, I'm on 3 Benadryl because of the Santa Anas and the Frog to English dictionary is too heavy to lift.
While I was at Border's Books, I noticed all the calendars for sale were 16 month ones. What kind of pessimist buys this because he assumes he's only going to live until April 2010?
On my way to Border's, I was walking and up ahead saw a street musician playing a saxophone. I ALWAYS give a dollar to artists on the street. I know what a hard life it is so I can certainly spare a dollar for someone who walks the same path as I do. So I stopped and opened my wallet. I STILL have trouble with my fingers and had shoved the bills in my wallet in such a way that I had to pull it all out to find a dollar. The saxophonist kept his eyes on my hands. I unfolded the wad. One $100 bill, 6 20's, 2 tens, 3 fives. Great. Because I don't go out all the time, when I do, I take out enough cash to last a while. I finally found a one dollar bill in the middle of the wad. Good grief, how could I give him ONE DOLLAR? Fortunately it was stuck to anther single so I gave him two. Big spender here.
He stopped playing and stared at me. Ohgodohgodohgod he was going to call me a cheap fuck. Instead he said God Bless You and I felt bad all day. Anyway, never pass by an artist if you see one on the street. Even a quarter helps them. I might set up shop on Hollywood and Vine and do some mime. That ought to bring in the money. Or serial killers.
Sidebar: My sister and I used to sing on the streets of Paris when we were teens. When I moved to San Francisco I got a gig opening for the band Sopwith Camel. AS A MIME.
Below I'm perforning for children in Golden Gate Park. I was holding a wand over a boy's head trying to
I actually got paid for this.
Did you know that mimes can't talk? EVER? Certainly not my field of expertise.
End of chat.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I always sit in it and then try to figure out how to steal it.
This might possibly explain why I'm in therapy.
End of chat.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
But I do know I'm supposed to pass the award on, maybe to 5 people? 5 cookies?
So here goes, Braja, Fussy, The Bloggess, Baby on Bored and Boss of Everything, who is now 67 weeks pregnant and ornery as hell. Which means no change in her personality AT ALL.
As I get to know newer readers like Tiggy, Grandpa, Sherri, Simplicity, Amber, Michel and my own personal First Queen, Hail to the Thief, I'll be handing out more. If I get any more. Click on the label at the bottom of this post to see whose lives I've already ruined with other awards.
Are Tony and Bethy who I think they are?
In the meantime, check out the linked bloggers and all my followers. Some of them are as demented and scary as I am.
You know who you are.
End of chat.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Such a wide variety of ill-fitting, weird colored gowns made the women look like they were saving their money and not using stylists this year
In other ill-advised news, Hollywood has decided to remake Bye Bye Birdie, The Great Gatsby, Romancing the Stone and Arthur. WHAT? WHY? WHERE are they going to find another Elvis? Oh wait; I always forget he's not dead.
Hollywood loves the blockbuster cartoon movies. (Sinbad, The Green Hornet, Captain America, Buck Rogers are just a few in the pipeline. Mercifully the Narnia franchise has been dropped). And then they wonder how Slumdog Millionaire is shaming the bigger movies and sweeping the WGAs, NBRs, DGA's, CC's and Globes. And probably The Oscars. I'm guessing it's because of a little thing called originality and imagination?
Sidebar: Does anyone else find it weird that the U.S. is #20 in literacy and Cuba is #6? #1 is Luxembourg and since no one knows where that is, no one goes there so they have a low population and @@ *SPLAT!!*!! they're @@*HOLY COW BATMAN!!* !! @@ Number One.
I've ranted about this before and some people then go on to comment that the U.S. made X and Y and Z. Fine. But great movies are in the Indie field, not in Hollywood. And now Bollywood, which makes anywhere from 800-1000 films a year. And Aishwarya Rai. Can I marry her? Will her husband mind? Does it matter that I'm not gay? I'll have to check with Braja over at Lost And Found In India, for all you Indiaphiles.
Tina Fey: Entertainer of the Year? She can't act, how is it possible that she won over Mary Louise Parker? When she won last year's Emmy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, also up for the same award, removed her own head when Fey won. So did I since I rarely use it anymore.
Mamma Mia! is now the highest grossing film ever in the United Kingdom, beating Titanic 69.1 million pounds (105.8 million dollars) to 69 million pounds. The Dark Knight could not overtake Titanic in the U.S. so that hateful movie still dominates. Now it's very 'in' to say you hated Titanic but I hated it the split second I saw it. Who throws expensive jewelry overboard? A bad movie, that's who.
End of Movie Chat.
Friday, January 09, 2009
I've seen some bad movies in the past few months. Doubt was too on the nose for my tastes and Meryl Streep's overacting was annoying. Amy Adams shines in Doubt but is beyond saving in the attempted screwball comedy, Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day. Carole Lombard she ain't. I could not sit past an hour of Nixon/Frost. Hancock, Gran Torino, and the one I was waiting for, The Women, was so stupid it made Baby Mama look good. Funniest movie of the year has to be Tropic Thunder. Towelhead is disturbing and should not be seen by younger children. Written by Alan Ball, who also wrote American Beauty and exec-produced Six Feet Under and True Blood, the man has a serious obsession with pedophiles.
On Wednesday, The Manorexic made good on a campaign promise and introduced his choice for a new White House post he is creating: chief performance officer. Clearly he read my blog and has me in mind for this.
The new head of the CIA has ZERO experience for the world's most powerful intelligence agency outside of Mossad. But thank God we have the world's best known television doctor, Sanjay Gupta, as Surgeon General. I guess Dr. House couldn't get out of his contract.
And to all the Screen Actor's Guild members out there, if it comes down to it, don't forget to vote for the strike. All of our TV shows can be downloaded for free and we get no residuals and the producers are fighting us on this, mainly because the money comes out of their pockets. To make my point, I did Seinfeld in 1994 and Curb in 1999 and I still get checks from them. Jerry has a warehouse of Porsche's and I have a Ford Contour.
Remember Gilligan's Island? They get no money in residuals because the unions weren't there to protect them. This happened to a lot of actors back in the 50's and 60's. New media, the Internet, MP3's etc., still isn't at its apogee, so we need to make sure we're covered for the future. Why don't you get this deal at your job? BECAUSE YOU WORK EVERY DAY. We're lucky to work once a year.
Thanks, Reality TV.
End of chat.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
What makes you keep reading someone's blog?
A. Guilt; they read me. 23.6%
B. Similar interests. 21%
C. They're funny. 42.1%
D. I'm a Mommy, she's a Mommy, wouldn't you want to be a Mommy too? 0%
E. Their life is more interesting than mine. 13.1%
What makes you stop reading a blog?
A. They don't post enough. 19.2%
B. Like Oprah talking about her weight, they repeat the same topic over and over. 42.3%
C. They swear and I'm Jesus's best friend. 0%
D. It's a Mommy blog and that's all they ever talk about. 11.55%
E. Their life is less interesting than mine. 26.9%
End of results show.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
2. The McPoundersons.
3. Winter. I'm over it being in the 60's and I don't care if you live in the coldest place on earth. Whose fault is that? Don't send me your Fahrenheits and your Centigrades to make me feel better. I'll feel better when I'm in a bikini and threatening to show my cellulite to the neighbors.
4. My fucking hands. And NOT the hands that are having sex; I keep those in the closet.
5. Oprah. You're fat, you're thin, you're fatter, you're thinner, you're fattish, you're thinnish. Mainly you're sanctimonious and annoying so why would ANYONE take diet advice from you?
6. Me. Maybe I'm sanctimonious and annoying. Show of hands?
7. Now put your hands down and go read part 10 of All The Bad Sex I've Had or I'll start posting recipes of how to boil and fillet a cat.
Monday, January 05, 2009
~Bradford Cox, frontman of The Deerhunter.
Considering I've never heard of Cox, The Deerhunter or Crystal Pepsi, I'm assuming I'm the one who's dated.
Two years and three months ago, when I started blogging, my thought was to just create good, funny writing. Many of my first readers were shocked that I rewrote every post a minimum of 8-10 times. First for content and time line, then interest value, then gramatically and after all that was in place, to punch up, which easily took three passes. Having written sitcoms and screenplays, I was aware of how much rewriting took place, with the final say dictated by a studio stooge or the star of the show, which is why so many movies go straight to video and why so many sitcoms suck. I did NOT want to go straight to video, although it pays more than blogging.
I did not post every day. I posted when I felt the piece was 'done.' And I'd like to believe that's how I got hired for other writing jobs. Now I'm posting pictures of gifts I got for Xmas. Or hundreds of pictures of my feet pre and post-op. Or my sister's dog. The only thing I'll be hired for now is to create the Jumbles for the local newspaper.
Some say Twitter killed blogs and cut down on readership except for the biggest blogs out there. Some say Facebook did. Some say they got bored blogging. A lot of bloggers have quit in the past year although I'm sure just as many started up. The beginning is a rush, you think your writing will CHANGE THE WORLD or at the very least, get you a book deal. How long it takes us to figure out it's verbal diarrhea is our gift to the Internet.
What makes you keep reading someone's blog?
A. Guilt; they read me.
B. Similar interests.
C. They're funny.
D. I'm a Mommy, she's a Mommy, wouldn't you want to be a Mommy too?
E. Their life is more interesting than mine.
What makes you stop reading a blog?
A. They don't post enough.
B. Like Oprah talking about her weight, they repeat the same topic over and over.
C. They swear and I'm Jesus's best friend.
D. It's a Mommy blog and that's all they ever talk about.
E. Their life is less interestng than mine.
My answers PART ONE:
My answers PART TWO:
A, B, E
End of survey.