Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hollywood Really Sucks It

The Golden Globes were so tragic this year I switched over to Brothers and Sisters at 10 pm and read the winners on the Internet. Then last night I watched Entertainment Tonight and thought, "Where were THOSE Globes? They looked a lot more spectacular."

Such a wide variety of ill-fitting, weird colored gowns made the women look like they were saving their money and not using stylists this year Sigourney Weaver. Anne Hathway was from the 2007 Marie Osmond Doll Collection. Colin Farrell sober. Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange high. Spielberg boring. Ricky Gervais the only bright spot in a town full of humorless has-beens and dubious celebrities like the excruciating Miley Cyrus and the JoBros, as Ryan-shut-the-fuck-up Seacrest called them. Kate Winslet so long overdue for her due. Rene Zellweger so long overdue for a clue.

In other ill-advised news, Hollywood has decided to remake Bye Bye Birdie, The Great Gatsby, Romancing the Stone and Arthur. WHAT? WHY? WHERE are they going to find another Elvis? Oh wait; I always forget he's not dead.

Hollywood loves the blockbuster cartoon movies. (Sinbad, The Green Hornet, Captain America, Buck Rogers are just a few in the pipeline. Mercifully the Narnia franchise has been dropped). And then they wonder how Slumdog Millionaire is shaming the bigger movies and sweeping the WGAs, NBRs, DGA's, CC's and Globes. And probably The Oscars. I'm guessing it's because of a little thing called originality and imagination?

Sidebar: Does anyone else find it weird that the U.S. is #20 in literacy and Cuba is #6? #1 is Luxembourg and since no one knows where that is, no one goes there so they have a low population and @@ *SPLAT!!*!! they're @@*HOLY COW BATMAN!!* !! @@ Number One.

I've ranted about this before and some people then go on to comment that the U.S. made X and Y and Z. Fine. But great movies are in the Indie field, not in Hollywood. And now Bollywood, which makes anywhere from 800-1000 films a year. And Aishwarya Rai. Can I marry her? Will her husband mind? Does it matter that I'm not gay? I'll have to check with Braja over at Lost And Found In India, for all you Indiaphiles.

Aishwarya Rai

Tina Fey: Entertainer of the Year? She can't act, how is it possible that she won over Mary Louise Parker? When she won last year's Emmy, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, also up for the same award, removed her own head when Fey won. So did I since I rarely use it anymore.

Mamma Mia! is now the highest grossing film ever in the United Kingdom, beating Titanic 69.1 million pounds (105.8 million dollars) to 69 million pounds. The Dark Knight could not overtake Titanic in the U.S. so that hateful movie still dominates. Now it's very 'in' to say you hated Titanic but I hated it the split second I saw it. Who throws expensive jewelry overboard? A bad movie, that's who.

End of Movie Chat.


  1. Finally, I get to be your fat bridesmaid at your gay wedding. I KNEW I kept all that tulle and taffeta for a reason.

    Boss O xxxx

  2. Hey, I thought Drew looked high too! I had to stop, and I had just got there, when I saw everyone crying over Steven Spielberg. I just can't handle crying.
    How dare they say they are going to remake Gatsby and Arthur.

  3. Cuba may be ranked #6 in literacy but at least we have the freedom to read what we want.

    I think the director of The Wrestler summed up my feelings about the Golden Globes best when he held up his middle finger.

  4. Beckie8:13 AM

    I've never seen Titanic. Let me guess - the ship hits an iceberg and sinks? Some movies just make me run the other way....

    How many bridesmaids do you get to have at your all female non-gay wedding??

  5. Aishwayara Rai is gawjumus. And Drew Barrymore had been sniffing glue and went to war with one bad mothafucka of a blow dryer.

  6. What about JLo and her, "Hello? Mama talkin', mama talkin"?

  7. Mama Mia is a very poor film I think..
    The Cubans have a pretty good Education System.I went in 1997 (see my blog for details) Great Teachers as long as they are awake! They have to work as taxi-drivers in the evenings&nights to earn some cash!

  8. I only saw about a minute of the GGs (because ... hello? foreign reporters picking winnners?), but I think I lucked into one of the highlights: Ryan STFU getting totally ignored by Brangelina Jolie-Pitt.

  9. Anonymous10:35 AM

    Great blog. And, of course, I love to add my 2 cents worth. Zellwiger -- can somebody get her some properly fitting contact lenses or glasses so she doesn't always squint? Cuba #6 in literacy -- they don't have any new cars, so all their teenagers aren't out riding around and forgetting their homework. England? Mama Mia #1? Lets not forget they have the National Health so they're all properly (and heavily) medicated and therefore like that movie.

  10. Whaaat? Cuba probably has less than 5 languages. Without putting any effort into looking it up - I might even guess - just one. Cuban.

    We have like ninetymillioney. Yeah.. that is a number. Take it to the bank.

  11. You're all right! I forgot about JLo's Mamma's talking. A few performers tried to shush the crowd. I've always said a crowd on alcohol and a person on stage in front of them DO NOT MIX.

    Meryl Streep is getting too smug and I'm sure she thought she would win something.

  12. I think Aishvarya would totally love to owned by a blonde Hollywood comedian, but her binding family commitments and duty to her heritage will stop her. The battle rages: will the aging Bollywood superstar father in law intervene and start spouting Who Wants To Be A Millionaire lines? Is it a symptom of his dementia or a salute to his past as the host of Who Wants to Be A Crore pati (Hindi for millionaire?) Is he just pissed because he didnt get a role in Slumdog Millionaire? Is his son really gay and the marriage to Aishvarya a scam? When the world finds out will she be free to run off with her blonde comedian from Hollywood?

    Only in America.
    Or Bollywood.

  13. In the U.S.'s defense from the literacy standpoint, we have a very large influx of people from other countries that are here illegally and are not even literate in their native language. I'm not denigrating those people, I'm just saying it affects the stats.

    Also, Luxembourg and Cuba are very homogeneous populations that speak one common language, making national literacy a much easier task.

    I don't generally watch the awards shows--and didn't watch this one, but Slumdog became one of my top 10 movies of all time when I saw it. Phenomenal!

  14. I haven't seen a movie or even heard of one I'd like to see in a long time. Damn, I'm bored.

  15. literacy is defined as anyone over the age of 15 who can read. People in Luxembourg speak French and English and learn it in school. All of European schools learn English. The Swiss speak 4 languages because they're in the middle of all these countries.

  16. I watched every stinking minute. It was like a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade with Celebrity Floats and Bloated Balloons. And I agree, too, that Mary Louise was robbed.