Friday, January 16, 2009

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

Yesterday I came out of my shrink's office, who is a woman btw, a dead ringer for Julianne Moore, and had some errands to run. The Santa Ana's are blowing which means my eyes are all red and puffy and I look Chinese.

While I was at Border's Books, I noticed all the calendars for sale were 16 month ones. What kind of pessimist buys this because he assumes he's only going to live until April 2010?

On my way to Border's, I was walking and up ahead saw a street musician playing a saxophone. I ALWAYS give a dollar to artists on the street. I know what a hard life it is so I can certainly spare a dollar for someone who walks the same path as I do. So I stopped and opened my wallet. I STILL have trouble with my fingers and had shoved the bills in my wallet in such a way that I had to pull it all out to find a dollar. The saxophonist kept his eyes on my hands. I unfolded the wad. One $100 bill, 6 20's, 2 tens, 3 fives. Great. Because I don't go out all the time, when I do, I take out enough cash to last a while. I finally found a one dollar bill in the middle of the wad. Good grief, how could I give him ONE DOLLAR? Fortunately it was stuck to anther single so I gave him two. Big spender here.

He stopped playing and stared at me. Ohgodohgodohgod he was going to call me a cheap fuck. Instead he said God Bless You and I felt bad all day. Anyway, never pass by an artist if you see one on the street. Even a quarter helps them. I might set up shop on Hollywood and Vine and do some mime. That ought to bring in the money. Or serial killers.

Sidebar: My sister and I used to sing on the streets of Paris when we were teens. When I moved to San Francisco I got a gig opening for the band Sopwith Camel. AS A MIME.

Below I'm perforning for children in Golden Gate Park. I was holding a wand over a boy's head trying to blind him turn him into a tall man with a job. Below I am doing some extremely retarded movement in a transparent attempt to look professional. Two of My Gays were with me and you'd think they would have saved me from this humiliation but they were too busy LAUGHING AT ME.

I actually got paid for this.

Did you know that mimes can't talk? EVER? Certainly not my field of expertise.

End of chat.


  1. I was just reading about mimes in the book, "The Know It All" by A. J. Jacobs. He said mimes used to do their act with real live convicts and actually execute them as part of their act. So much for the sweet harmless mime we've all come to love and adore.

  2. As a mother of two starving artists, I say AMEN to your sermon on giving to the artists in the streets.

    I can see why you left the mime have so much to say!

    Glad you changed your act!

  3. When lectured on the futility of giving money to buskers, I simply reply that I generally expect to pay for being entertained - and how is the man singing beautifully, voice rich with time and experience, bass notes rumbling forth to compete with the cacophony of traffic, any different from the tenor in the opera house? Fundamentally, no difference...except I can't afford opera tickets, and I felt much better about dropping a fin in the singing man's cup.

    Some of the best concerts I've ever attended were street performances.

    Shade and Sweetwater,


    A *mime*? Good lord. What other revelations are you going to spring on us? "Many years ago I used to indulge in bear baiting."

  5. Beckie7:48 AM

    "...April 1910"???

    Is time reversing and I missed the memo??

  6. I have the utmost respect for anyone with the courage to mime. But I have double the respect for you, because you mimed IN A LEOTARD.

    Brainflash: If you're short on cash, you could set up a mime-porn site and charge. You wouldn't have to do anything nasty -- just mime it! Then sit back and let the dollars roll in . . . of course, your subscribers would probably all be German.

    I'm sorry. That was sick of me.

  7. I always give money to street performers as well... I figure if they have the balls to be berated (unfairly... well most of the time), then I can spare a dollar to help them with therapy expenses.

    Just kidding. I totally respect that they're trying to get their career out there, and most of them are really talented. I can't carry a tune in a bucket.

  8. We don't have any street performers around here. Unless you count the old guy that follows kids around on his bicycle in town. He's creepy.
    I am still laughing about the mime thing. I'm glad you didn't have to execute anyone.

  9. But what if a busker is bad? So bad that you'd rather walk in the middle of the road than listen to his gut-wrenthing yowls?

    Bad buskers usually look like they need the money as well. Maybe they should take up street mime instead.

  10. You are beautiful Suzy. Peace, Mike.

  11. Anonymous11:43 AM

    I am in a state of shock. Where are your signature bangs in that photo? Also, I wish (even at that age when it was easier to be slim) that I would have looked so good in a leotard.

  12. Those pictures are awesome, Suzy! Hottie hottie yowza!! ;o)

  13. Mimes remind me of clowns which totally FREAK me out. Other than that- you look fab.

  14. You opened for Sopwith Camel? NOW you have officially impressed me! I bet everybody else had to Google "Sopwith Camel". I'm pretty sure I saw them back in '66 or '67 but I don't remember seeing you. ("Pretty sure" because some of the weeks during that part of my life are a little fuzzy.)

  15. I have to say these photos demonstrate that you have hellza courage!

  16. Came over from Jami's blog (thanks Darling) and now I love yours as well.

    16 month calendar - you say pessimist, I say optimist. Presumptuous even.