Friday, February 29, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

"Good grief, you don't have a head shelf."
"What the hell is that?" I asked.
"It's those two protrusions at the base of your skull, one on each side."

That was the conversation I had the day I asked McLoserstene why all my elastic wraparound headbands wouldn't stay on my head. They kept sliding up in the back and I was constantly having to rip them off my head while swearing violently adjust them. She asked me to feel the base of her head. I felt hers and then I felt my own and promptly gave her all of my headbands. Life is so cruel.

There's a feral cat in heat loose in our neighborhood. The last time this happened was many years ago and the cat was quickly caught up by coyotes, mainly due to the incessant noise it was making. Is there a 1-800-Coyote number I can call?

Sidebar: Put down your keyboards and admit you've had similar thoughts.

There's a cricket in my apartment, which is not unusual as we get them every year. But in some cultures, having a cricket in the house brings good luck so I'm always reluctant to kill them. I saw it twice, swatted it and missed it twice so now it's just waiting until I'm sound asleep so it can jump on my face and suck the life force out of me. Oh wait, too late for that.

A few months ago I was at Mayfair, the supermarket down the street. That's the one where Patrick Dempsey ran away from me. I was in line behind a guy who worked at a studio. The checker, Bobby, asked Studio Guy what was going on and Studio Guy mentioned that they had cast the Get Smart movie with Anne Hathaway in the female lead. The entire line broke out into a heated discussion on why this was a bad idea. We all did agree that Steve Carell in the male lead was perfect casting. Everyone in LA has an opinion about casting. I only wish the studios would focus group food shoppers.

The 270 million lottery was won by a man from Georgia. He chose the lump sum of 160 million and after taxes got 100 million. Out of 270 million. Now I'm not going to turn down 100 million dollars anytime soon and I understand the government taking their ungodly cut of 60 million but as I recall, when Lotto started, the money was supposed to go to education and other things we no longer care about. So seriously, are there little mini Harvards and Yales that I know nothing about?

My Panasonic Lumix camera just broke out with Black Dot Disease. It's a year since I bought it and now it has a black dot on the lens although I'm not really sure where the dot is coming from. It's a classic case of Built-In Obsolescence. Objects are built to disintegrate based on the materials used so that industries can make more money off of us because we have to buy the product again. A touch-tone phone will last for a million years because all the parts are made of metal. My VTech phone is made out of spittle and a corn cob and weighs as much as a bag of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips. Yet oddly doesn't taste as good.

And finally, Valerie Bertinelli is making the rounds with her tell-all on life married to rocker Eddie Van Halen. Some of the shows she's appeared on have played the theme song from One Day at a Time, the sitcom she starred in back in the 80's. I was never a fan of the show and only caught glimpses of it now and again but I can't get that theme song out of my head. It's really quite catchy and tuneful and feel free to put a bullet through my brain as soon as possible.

End of chat.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Just Wanted To Give Props myself.

From the blog Comments Are Open

Monday, February 25, 2008

And I would like to thank all of the little people....

I've been here and there and clicking around the bend looking for the goods today. Lots of winter photos (blah) and sick kids and husbands (blah double blah).

The best is the Oscar coverage by humor bloggers Suzy at Hollywood: Where Hot Comes to Die and Deb at Deb on the Rocks. I kept my eye on the MamaPop forums and posts expecting big things, but not so much. Of course the Fug girls have fantastic images, especially of Tilda's Glad Bag--yard size. Just glad it's over. (...)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Blog Your Way To An Oscar

Diablo Cody's Tips for Blogging Your Way to Hollywood Success
By John Scott Lewinski 11.16.07
Photo: Courtesy of Diablo Cody

Screenwriter Diablo Cody is a force on the front lines of the Writers Guild of America strike, an up-and-coming scribe who's making waves in Hollywood. And she got started as a blogger. If you're a blogger, but not even a foot soldier in your local paint-ball league, it's time you take some advice from Cody, a former stripper who's become an online legend and one of Hollywood's hottest screenwriters.

The 29-year-old Cody (real name: Brook Busey-Hunt) will see her first movie, Juno, hit U.S. screens in December. She's also executive producer and head writer for Steven Spielberg's TV series The United States of Tara, scheduled for a 2008 debut on Showtime. She's got more movies in the works, and last month the Hollywood Film Festival gave her the Hollywood Breakthrough Screenwriter of the Year Award.

Ready to taste that kind of success yourself? Follow Cody's "Five Easy Steps to Blogging Your Way to Hollywood Success." It's a foolproof system, really.

Step One: Study Writing in School

It's indisputable within the halls of higher education that every student who majors in creative writing in college goes on to be a successful celebrity scribe. Never mind that Cody's professors thought their future star would collapse into white dwarfdom soon after commencement.
"One of my teachers told me that I was lazy," Cody explained. "He said, 'I think you're the best writer I've ever taught. But I'll never hear from you again because you have no ambition.' I never intended to get my writing out there. I always thought of published writers as honor roll students -- the real overachiever types. I never intended my work as a springboard to anything else. I write because I'm addicted to it. It's my confessional."

Step Two: Start Blogging and Wait to Be Discovered

After college, Cody left her native Chicago for the romantic Twin Cities -- trading Post-it Notes for pasties while exploring the frosty Minneapolis underworld as a stripper. She described the perils of pole-dancing on the popular Pussy Ranch blog.

Because there are only a few blogs online these days (Technorati currently tracks a mere 112 million), it was a safe bet that a successful Los Angeles literary manager (Mason Novick) would find Cody's work and inquire from 3,000 miles away about her literary ambitions.

"Before Mason found me, all I'd written was the blogs for City Pages in Minneapolis," Cody said. "He asked me if I'd thought about writing something else. I started my book after that."

Step Three: Write Your Memoir at Age 24 and Publish It

After Novick stirred Cody into action in defiance of her cynical writing instructor, she cranked out a memoir documenting her experiences in the sex industry, Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper. Novick lined up a publisher for the completed manuscript, and Cody soon found herself hawking her wares to David Letterman and CNN's hosts du jour. "Without Mason, none of this would have happened," Cody said. "I'm not awesome at self-promotion. Mostly I was just blogging in my own little bubble. I'm lucky I did what I did when I did it."

Step Four: Write/Sell Your First Screenplay

Following the success of her book, Cody took a shot at movies. Her first script (for Juno) landed director Jason Reitman on the heels of Thank You for Smoking and a cast including Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman. (Cody and Reitman are also working together on horror-comedy flick, Jennifer's Body, according to The Hollywood Reporter.)

"It's been fun, and I'm enjoying it while I can," Cody said. "I think there's room for more talented bloggers to break into Hollywood. It seemed like a fluke when I did it, but I won't be the last blogger to have a film produced."

Step Five: Produce a TV Show for Steven Spielberg

As executive producer and head writer for Spielberg's The United States of Tara, Cody is lending her quick wit and golden touch to cable television -- while waiting for the next blogging star to chase her down Sunset Boulevard.

"There are so many talented people that exist in the marketplace," Cody said. "So, don't look for a plan. Put your blog out into the world and hope that your talent will speak for itself."

See? It's just that easy.

Friday, February 22, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

My arch enemy Jenée has gone to Afghanistan to entertain the troops but usually works one of the bars at The Academy Awards at this time of year. Normally I would twist those words into something immature and sexual but instead I'm just going to wish her well and hope she brings me back a fly boy. One that she hasn't slept with yet.

My friend Tommy got a job working at TMZ, the TV show. I think that must be a whole other war zone over there. Coincidental that TMZ and DMZ rhyme? Don't think so.

I ran into my friend Ken, a local musician. He's 60 years old and we were talking about how I used to walk all over our neighborhood and he said that he remembered when I had a flat stomach. When do men stop checking out women's bodies? The answer is Never so just pass the mashed potatoes.

I'm pretty sure that the Jenny Craig people have been smoking their food. Queen Latifah is their new spokesperson and her commercial starts with these words: I've never watched the scale, that's not my thing. Well no shit, Sherlock. That's why you're now eating DIET food.

In the I Thought I'd Heard Everything Department I ran into another friend, Carson. I hadn't seen her in a long time and asked her what she was up to. She said that almost a year ago she was riding her scooter when a car hit her and she bounced off the hood. She broke her tibia and fibia and her kneecap lifted off. Her friends were in the car behind her and stopped to help because she was unconscious. They picked up her things and put them all in her backpack which was then loaded into the ambulance with her. When she got to the hospital, she was surprised to find herself at County, not a nice place to be in any town. When she asked the nurses why she was there, they said because she had no insurance. She said she did and to hand her her backpack. The nurses said she didn't come in with one. Turns out some kind soul had stolen it.

Lisa Rinna will be on the red carpet doing the celebrity thing this Sunday and although her lips take up a considerable part of a camera lens, I hope there's room left over for the dresses. She made the TV rounds yesterday and was saying that there is no more negativity, joking or criticism allowed; that the red carpet now is all just Positive! Positive! Positive!, thereby killing it for us at home and further ensuring the useless worship of celebrities.

And in more ridiculous stories about show business, KT Tunstall was deemed too old when she was only 27. No record company would give her a deal which reminded me of the movie Valley of the Dolls, made in 1967. The pill-popping Neely and her husband are discussing her acting career and he tells her that she's washed up in Hollywood. And she replies, "But I'm only twenty-three."

Made in 1 9 6 7.

End of chat.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Oscars Are Coming

This is what is located on Hollywood Boulevard and Highland Avenue. It's the entrance to the Babylon Court, which replicates the 'Entrance to Babylon' from D.W. Griffith's classic black and white film Intolerance and is named in honor of it.

This structure houses the Kodak Theatre, the permanent home of the Academy Awards.

I live less than 10 minutes away and already all the traffic in our neighborhood is in serious jeopardy. As in shut down and you're doomed and good luck with driving and why don't you live in North Dakota where there is no traffic. Pray for me.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Autograph Heaven

My standup group, Single, Married & Divorced, was touring Georgia back in the 90's. I think we were in Savannah although I'm one of those comics that remembers what jokes worked, not the cities they worked in.
Sidebar: This is the last tee shirt in this series so I've decided to make it one of the prizes in the next contest I have. It's a size XL/XG, is 100% cotton pre-shrunk and has never been worn. (That spot you see on the upper left quadrant on the shirt is from my camera and not the shirt. GREAT. And oh yes, FUCK.)

So a guy named Eddie came up to the autograph table in Savannah and said he remembered me from one of my U.S.O. tours. In Macedonia. Macedonia was a rough ride as the comics were under the auspices of the United Nations Peacekeepers and slept in red-tagged bunkers at night, surrounded by barbed wire and soldiers in towers with weapons. We spent our days visiting Serbian checkpoints in Black Hawk helicopters and doing shows at night in sub-freezing weather.

The Black Hawk

Eddie was now out of the Army and visiting his friend Scott in Georgia and had seen an ad for our show in the local papers. Turns out that he had moved to Los Angeles and had the same agent back in L.A. that I did. Very little ever blows my mind but that did. Eddie asked me where I was staying and then he and his friend took off. The next day, I got a bouquet of flowers delivered to my room at Motel Hell No from Eddie and Scott. And they spelled my name right. I can't tell you how many people mangle the spelling of my first name. Like my mother.

We were going to South Carolina the next day to do more shows and this was one of the sweetest bouquet of flowers I had ever received. People, seriously, if you think flowers die and what's the point of giving them then let me put it this way, you're so wrong it hurts what little brain cells I have left.

The best part of this card was the Hoooaahh!! If you know military boys, you know what that means to them and you feel flattered that they've included you in that club.

I keep all of my personal comedy memorabilia in scrapbooks. I have seven of them. Whenever I think I've done nothing with my life I flip through them and then flush the crack down the toilet.

This is something I found in one of them that I considered one of the best autographs I never got around to framing. (If you've seen pictures of my Hall Of Fame you know what I'm referring to)

This is from a Comfort Inn in Niagara Falls. That's how big standup was back in the 90's; there were clubs in places that there shouldn't have been. Like in my living room.

After this particular show I was hanging out at the bar when one of the patrons pointed out that the Mayor Of Munchkin City not only lived in Niagara Falls but was at the bar. So of course I had to go introduce myself and ask for his autograph. It was the MAYOR OF MUNCHKIN CITY.

So recently I came upon it and decided to search IMDb for the details of this actor. Turns out that the guy who signed this brochure was one 'Tommy Cottonaro.' Not only was he not the Mayor but he is listed as a munchkin who was not credited in the film. Tommy Cottonaro was listed as "Bearded Man (uncredited) "

I don't blame Tommy Cottonaro. Show business is the hardest business in Oz. But I will not be framing it.

End of chat.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Ricky

And this isn't the one that was married to Lucy. This is the one by Ralph Lauren.

A few years ago I asked how much it was and when the salesperson told me, I momentarily blacked out. I don't think I've regained consciousness yet.

And while we're on the topic of Ralph Lauren. It is NOT pronounced Lorrrren, with the accent on the last part of the name. It is pronounced Lauren. Like a woman's first name.

Thought you'd want to know.

Monday, February 18, 2008


Please stop telling me to Enjoy! anything on your blog. I feel that I've got the brain waves necessary to be able to figure out what to enjoy on my own. After all, I've stuck with chocolate all these years so how dumb could I be?

You don't go to the movies and see Enjoy! written on the screen before the movie starts, do you? Or when you walk into a Target, does it say Enjoy! over the main door? I know we all love our blogs but I would never ask anyone to Enjoy! anything I've written. I would ask you to erase it from your hard drive and then get a lobotomy but I would never be pretentious enough to ask you to enjoy it. Seriously, if you knew how little I find enjoyable, you would never request someone like me to enjoy anything other than a rare filet mignon and some Dom Pérignon. In Paris. While in bed with George Clooney after we've had some very raunchy sex. And after I won the biggest lottery in the history of lotteries. Which is probably why George agreed to go out with me in the first place.

And to all of you who think you've written Ulysses or think you're the new Ansel Adams, by very virtue of the fact that you expect me to Enjoy!, it's a lock that I'm going to hate it. Tell me to dislike something and then I probably won't. Yeah, I have authority issues. Whatev.

It's the same in standup. Right before you go on stage there is usually some newbie with five minutes standing there saying "Have fun!" I always want to answer, "Are you a real standup? Because if you are, you would never say that to another comic. Instead you would say, "Don't let this club pay you by check."

As much as Enjoy! annoys me, there are other words from the Planet Enough that I can't take anymore. For example, please don't include me in your group salutation of "Hey Gang!" The last people who used that word were in movies made in the 1930's. If in doubt about using words like 'gang,' imagine Mick Jagger using it in a sentence. Or Chris Rock. Or even Paris Hilton. Eggggggggzactly. And how wrong is it that I refuse to spell that word correctly? Once again, I'm part of the problem.

And by the way, please don't refer to me as a Gal. I'm not Rosalind Russell. And while we're on the topic of words that get on my nerves, how hard is it to say anyhow? Why do people say anyhoo? Do you want me to kill you?

Which brings me to long story short. You've now just added three words to your story. Which makes it longer.

End of chat.

Friday, February 15, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

The nice weather has returned to SoCal, as our newscasters refer to it. I guess it takes too long to say 'Southern California' when you have all that freeway traffic to report. Freeway traffic is to us as crude oil prices are to the United Arab Emirates. Meaning that we watch it like a hawk and bitch about it every night.

The managers of our building moved out without telling anyone. We now have 4 vacancies in a 22 unit building. One-bedrooms with no A/C go for $1400 and studios go for a grand. There's parking and a pool and we do live in a hot neighborhood but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THESE PRICES? I don't pay that much but I do enjoy CAPS LOCK.

The WGA strike is over but I haven't really missed any scripted shows except Ugly Betty, Bones, House, and Grey's. I realized that much of what I was watching was just babysitting me so I wouldn't have to do any real work, like finishing the polish on my novel/memoir and setting the dreaded query letter in motion.

Project Runway is almost over. I thought Christian and Jillian were obvious pics but I'm really over Rami's draping. Pick Chris and give me some dramahhhh.

I spoke to my best friend Valerie last weekend. After I was dumped by Peter, the first guy I almost married, when I was 20, (MENTAL ALERT) Valerie asked her ex-boyfriend Tom to take me out since I never left my bedroom and slept with Peter's briefs under my pillow. (I'M SORRY MOM THAT YOU HAD TO WASH THOSE EVERY WEEK EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE ONLY COVERED IN TEARS) Tom and Valerie were the IT couple in their high school. All popular and cute and shit. Meanwhile, I had no dates in high school. GUYS HATE CHICKS WHO ARE FUNNIER THAN THEY ARE BUT I'M JUST SAYING THIS IN CAPS BECAUSE I'M BITTER.

However, when I was a senior my school did a computer dating trade-off with another high school and I ended up with a guy named Walter who was bald. In high school.

While we're on the topic, when you name your kids, stop naming them from the 1820's. Do you look at your baby and think, 'What's worse, Herman or Walter? Which name will likely turn up on a blog written in 2008 by a woman with an ankle missing all its cartilage?'

Years ago I found out that Peter, the guy who dumped me, married a woman who had a lot of money and all he did was sit around and play guitar. If I ever believed that a Higher Power saved you from your own retardation, I saw it on this one. A guy who doesn't have a job. Wow, who doesn't want that?

The news on my surgery seems to have turned around. When all this is settled, I'll post about it.

End of chat.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day

I think this may be the best Valentine's Day card I ever got because I know it was from his heart. So thanks, Tony. You're my Valentine too.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

This Is What I Call Commitment

Located by the Pacific Ocean, Santa Monica is where a lot of rich people live. Although there are fine restaurants, decent shops and the Pacific Ocean, it's not too exciting. You'll never read a gossip mag talking about the hot new club that just opened in Santa Monica. If you have to go there, a good 45 minute drive from LA, although in rush hour it becomes almost an hour and a half, then the person has to be famous, the sex worth it, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
This is a place where clogs are still popular and makeup is not. Some B and C list celebrities like Kate Hudson, June Lockhart, and Jane Fonda live there but for all the rest of them, sublimation seems to be the order of the day. Check out this "I Never Made It As An Actor But I'm Not Going Quietly's" house.
Wouldn't you think this one gate would be enough?

Don't you hate it when you're wrong?

They should write numbers on the tiles and turn it into an Eye Chart. And give you a tab of acid first. And then sell you to a circus.
This part of the house is in an alley. An empty alley. Like where no one goes. Ever.This is the back of the house. And you thought you had OCD.

End of chat.

Monday, February 11, 2008

The Grammy's

Alicia Keyes and Frank Sinatra. Wow.

Prince. He's 3 feet 12, weighs 18 ounces and I'd step over my dead grandmother to get to him.

Rihanna. Could someone please club me over the head when that song Umbrella comes on? Yeah yeah, it's catchy. I get it. I heard Britney Spears was offered it and turned it down so I think that proves she's not as insane as people think.

The Beatles and Cirque de Soleil? Not really. They're the Beatles. Cirque de Soleil is not.

Kanye, I like you dude. But special effects and a paean to your Mom don't make up for the fact that you can't sing without making my ears bleed. Just stick to rapping. And engraving MAMA into your hair? Who does that? When Frank Sinatra's Mom died, I'm pretty sure he didn't carve her name into his scalp. Although I wasn't there, so maybe.

Why don't Ringo Starr's ears have their own zip code? Unless ears determine penis size, I really don't need to see something that big attached to anybody's head.


I was thrilled that Burt Bacharach won a Lifetime achievement award. He used to date my sister and is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. (I have better stories about him but they're disguised in my first book and way too wild to reveal on a blog) He once called me from Las Vegas where he and Paul Anka were holed up writing songs. He asked me to listen to something and come up with a name for it. It was 3 a.m. New York time and I was on the phone with these two legends and half asleep and couldn't think. I came up with a name but I have no idea what it was. If it was Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head, somebody owes me some money. I still run into him every few years or so and he always remembers my name and to ask about my career. People who love me don't even do that.

Best line of the night. Vince Gill after his win, "I just got an award given to me by a Beatle. Can you say that, Kanye?"

Worst moment of the night. The brilliance of the Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue followed by the clumsy intro by Who? and Who Else? I have no idea who the retards were that followed them. Herbie Hancock and Lang Lang were in the middle of a standing O. And just cut off at the knees. Especially since after Amy Winehouse sang Rehab they let her get plenty of applause. I'm glad Hancock won Album of the Year. Long overdue.

And Winehouse is still stoned; I'm guessing it's methadone to wean her off heroin. But yeah, make no mistake, still very high. I've actually been in rehab so yeah, high.

End of chat.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Mailbag # 4

Yet more anonymous snippets from the emails I receive.

I really don’t mind pissing off stupid people; I’m just trying to avoid alienating the smart ones.

I didn't feel like drinking too much anyways so instead I took a Xanax.

If I ever need a private dick, you'll be the one I call. Actually, you're not much help but you're fast.

I almost tried out to be the guy that draws the numbers for the Georgia Lottery this morning.

What date is your ankle surgery? I want to write it in my calendar so I can bring you magazines and fairy dust.

I am in the process of having to have a D&C. Not pretty and I think I have had more doctors looking at the inside of my vagina than I care to mention.

Just wrapped up a week on Without A Trace....have been trying to get into one hour land for a went well...will let you know when it airs.....of course you know I could play a creep. What a stretch.

Just finished reading "I Killed" by Ritch Shydner and Mark Schiff - - AND WHY WAS ONE OF YOUR STORIES NOT IN THAT BOOK??? Hopefully, they'll do a part II - seemed like so many comics were missing & SOOO many I had never heard of.

Hey, you want to go hike Runyan Canyon with me?

My mom is in town and said to say hi.

Amazing how our heart strings are pulled with songs, or pictures, or smells... right? I can not believe the rollercoaster we buy tickets for sometimes.

You get to be neurotic for a little while, but then someone usually slaps some sense into you and then a blizzard hits and your father accidentally drives over one of the barnyard cats and you hear about possible ethnic cleansing in Kenya and you kind of remember what's important after all.

End of chat.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away

I voted yesterday but nearly missed out since I didn't see my language listed.

And just so we're clear, can a wheelchair go up steps now? Did I miss that tutorial?

I walked down to the Fedex on Sunset Boulevard and Argyle after I voted and came across this guy up in one of those tall palm trees, the kind with a long, skinny trunk, the kind you wonder how it survives in the desert that is L.A. Trees have a tap root. Since there is water under the earth, trees send a root, probably the most unpopular one, down as far as necessary to find this water. This guy was cutting off the top of this tree.
Or trying to commit suicide creatively.
Then I came across this billboard for final performances of The Ultimate Jew. If you've never seen Jackie Mason live and he comes to your town, go see him. I've seen him on Broadway twice and I laughed my ASS off. He's hilarious.

Jackie asked me out back in the early 80's. He met me at Dangerfields's in New York when I had stopped by to see a friend perform. The next day I got a call from his manager, who had tracked me down, saying Jackie wanted to take me to lunch. I don't remember where we ate but I do remember that he had on more pancake makeup than I'd ever seen on anyone, living or dead. I found out later he was partial to blondes. He gave me lots of advice which I don't remember and probably didn't take. To quote George Bernard Shaw, "Youth is wasted on the young."

Years later I was doing a gig in the Catskills and I had a rough time. When I left the stage, I was surprised to see Jackie, who was just hanging out. As I walked by him he whispered "They hate everyone, kid."

It was a great thing to say to another comic. A lot of comics will just shrug as if to say that you sucked and what did you expect, a standing O? Jackie knew I wasn't seasoned enough to play the Catskills and made me feel like less of a loser.

Then I passed by this mess. I was holding out for a Target but unfortunately it's more condos. We are now wall-to-wall condos in the Hollywood area as it has become the hottest place to live in L.A. It's very New Yorky. Lots of great shopping, movies, theaters, restaurants and did I mention CONDOS? You can see the famous round Capitol building down on the lower right, peeking out amongst the cranes.

And to wrap up...I cancelled my surgery.

I was on my way to Fedex to send my MRI to my doctor in India. It cost $80. It would have been cheaper to send it to the Sun. Stay tuned.

End of chat.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Monday, February 04, 2008

Nobody Likes A Sore Loser

The Patriots were the Beatles of football. Meet Yoko Ono, the Giants.

Everybody loves a winner but no one likes to see a would-be record destroyed. We would be talking for years about the Patriots as they entered football lore. Instead, their name will be forever linked to the Giants and I feel bad for the Giants. It will never just be 'The Giants Won.' It will be 'The Giants Upset The Winningest Team in the last 35 years of NFL play.' Either that or it will be like the Oscars and no one will remember who won Best Supporting Actor last year.

There is very little coverage over this win out here so that's sad. I wanted to see more sore losers because we're they're highly entertaining. But we're already on to Britney and tomorrow's California primary. This morning's news spent more coverage on the 28 parties at the Super Bowl than they did on Eli Manning's magical play that saved their asses. (You hear a little of that sore loser coming out now, don't you?)

Congratulations Giants. But I think it's fair to point out that Al Romas reminded me twice, that would be TWO times, to make this post. He didn't think that I would honor our written agreement to post that the Giants are great, blah blah, the Giants will win, blah blah, the Patriots suck, blah blah.

And he would have been right.

End of chat.

Friday, February 01, 2008

10 Quotes That Keep Me Going

"A critic is someone who comes down off the mountain after the battle and shoots the wounded."
~Sander Vanocur

"If I had been playing for money I would have complained a long time ago that I was underpaid." ~Michael Jordan

"I would rather be a failure at something I liked than be a success at something I hated."
~George Burns

"Mark Twain's brilliant The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn went through seventeen hundred revisions, and the most recent draft was unearthed in a Hollywood attic some years ago."
~Literacy and Longing in L.A. by Jennifer Kaufman and Karen Mack

"The more you feel in charge of your own life, the less need you have to control others."
~Mildred Newman, Psychologist

"To me, to write small classics and starve to death is a defeat. You get a tremendous feeling of resentment. I got terrific reviews on The Fortunate Pilgrim but I couldn't make any money. I was so outraged I went around saying "Fuck everybody; I'm going to write a bestseller." And everybody said "You're full of shit" so I went out and wrote it."
~ Mario Puzo, on the writing of The Godfather.

"One reason some males have problems accepting women as comediennes is because humor is kind of a power game. A comic asserts himself or herself over the audience and must have control and power. This is threatening to some men."
~ Dr. Joyce Brothers

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would be doing it. Hard is what makes it great."
~Tom Hanks in A League of their Own

"It's not fatigue that makes me want to quit after every show; it's the fear."
~ Giorgio Armani

"Whoopi Goldberg (to Jerry Lewis): I'm known in the business for being difficult.
Jerry Lewis (to Whoopi Goldberg): Really? I didn't know you were difficult.
Goldberg: Oh yeah, they all say I'm very difficult.
Lewis: I'm glad you're in the club. You know who else is difficult?
Goldberg: Who?
Lewis: Frank Sinatra, Barbra Streisand, Robert Redford, me.
Goldberg: Really?
Lewis: You know who isn't difficult?
Goldberg: Who?
Lewis: Troy Donahue."
~From The Whoopi Goldberg Show, 1992

End of quotes.