Monday, February 18, 2008


Please stop telling me to Enjoy! anything on your blog. I feel that I've got the brain waves necessary to be able to figure out what to enjoy on my own. After all, I've stuck with chocolate all these years so how dumb could I be?

You don't go to the movies and see Enjoy! written on the screen before the movie starts, do you? Or when you walk into a Target, does it say Enjoy! over the main door? I know we all love our blogs but I would never ask anyone to Enjoy! anything I've written. I would ask you to erase it from your hard drive and then get a lobotomy but I would never be pretentious enough to ask you to enjoy it. Seriously, if you knew how little I find enjoyable, you would never request someone like me to enjoy anything other than a rare filet mignon and some Dom Pérignon. In Paris. While in bed with George Clooney after we've had some very raunchy sex. And after I won the biggest lottery in the history of lotteries. Which is probably why George agreed to go out with me in the first place.

And to all of you who think you've written Ulysses or think you're the new Ansel Adams, by very virtue of the fact that you expect me to Enjoy!, it's a lock that I'm going to hate it. Tell me to dislike something and then I probably won't. Yeah, I have authority issues. Whatev.

It's the same in standup. Right before you go on stage there is usually some newbie with five minutes standing there saying "Have fun!" I always want to answer, "Are you a real standup? Because if you are, you would never say that to another comic. Instead you would say, "Don't let this club pay you by check."

As much as Enjoy! annoys me, there are other words from the Planet Enough that I can't take anymore. For example, please don't include me in your group salutation of "Hey Gang!" The last people who used that word were in movies made in the 1930's. If in doubt about using words like 'gang,' imagine Mick Jagger using it in a sentence. Or Chris Rock. Or even Paris Hilton. Eggggggggzactly. And how wrong is it that I refuse to spell that word correctly? Once again, I'm part of the problem.

And by the way, please don't refer to me as a Gal. I'm not Rosalind Russell. And while we're on the topic of words that get on my nerves, how hard is it to say anyhow? Why do people say anyhoo? Do you want me to kill you?

Which brings me to long story short. You've now just added three words to your story. Which makes it longer.

End of chat.


  1. Holy no attention to the name of my blog. It is offensive to you. My apologies; no reason why I say it, but it's use increases exponentially with the amount of wine consumed in one evening!

  2. "Have fun" obviously has not stood around waiting for the act before you - which might not even be a comic - to finish KILLING the crowd so you can then go out on stage and be totally inadequate. Or to go out on stage first. Or be the only act all night. Or ... OK, obviously hasn't been there.

    "Don't let this club pay you by check."
    Just take something worth the amount on on the check from the club (ashtray, bottle of vodka, television, whatever). Cash the check as soon as you leave. If you actually GET the cash, return whatever you took. Or hock it, depending upon the severity of your attack of conscience.

    (and to just be a bitch - because it's Monday AND a holiday but I have to work - I was going to throw "And then just Enjoy!" in at the end of this comment, but at the last minute the caffeine started to kick in and so I didn't do that.)

  3. Enjoy Coca Cola. Enjoy that response gang!

  4. Ummm ... are Long Comments on "Suzy's Piss-off List"©™® ?

  5. I think I'll retitle my blog to "Whatev."

  6. Anonymous12:06 PM

    I think I will change my closing tag-line to "Love my blog or I will have no self-esteem left!'


  7. Because "Masturbate Yourselves Silly" takes much longer to type than Enjoy!

  8. Trackella, that was very funny...

    jami, no, long comments don't annoy me but my list is so long I might have forgotten if I ever put it on there.

    tommy james, I might have spoken too soon when I said you could post as many comments as you want. Can I reveal your secret job yet?

    Merecat, whatev.

    Hilly, I'm pretty sure people love your blog a LOT more than mine.

    H-train, no fair changing your name and confusing me. It takes so little, you know?

  9. I have noticed more people using the term "enjoy". I started to wonder if I should use it, now I know, not so much. Thanks for the laugh.

  10. I'd just like to add - goodness, as in "chocolatey goodness", as my favorite abomination. Really lose respect when I see that.

  11. Cheers! annoys me unless you're actually serving me alcohol.

  12. gm, no Enjoy for you.

    julie, I love that people are coming out of the closet with their favorite Hatisms.

    jenn, see Julie comment...

  13. You're a saucy old gal, aren't you?

  14. I say anyWho with a "W". Is this form acceptable?

    Mine is "Just out of curiosity"
    No shit! If you weren't curious, you wouldn't be asking!

  15. One of my hatest (which I'd removed from memory because it pisses me off - until somebody used it again this morning): "Can I ask you a question?"

    Hey, dumbass - it's already too late for THAT question!

  16. I am pretty sure that when I went to see "I am Legend" the bossy god voice that told me to turn off my cellphone and not talk also said "we hope you enjoy your movie" which begs the question as to whether it's acceptable as long as it's not demanding that I enjoy it.

  17. Uh oh. I say long story short ALL. THE. TIME. I have an excuse, though: I'm a sad and strange little man.

    Nope. That's not right. Hm. I know! I know! It's cuz I'm a bad, bad man. Nah, that's not it, either.

    Oh, wait! It's coming! Long-winded! That was it! I'm long-winded, heh heh heh! And damn, I crack myself up too. Good thing, I guess you're thinkin', right about now, that I crack MYSELF up.

    Oh, yeah. I should long story short myself right out of your comments, shouldn't I?

    OK. I'll shut up now.

  18. And just who is Diesel calling OLD, btw?!

  19. Pomnot5:30 PM

    Okey-doke, let's see, what do I hate to hear...irregardless, no problem, instead of you're welcome. Have a nice day!

  20. Diesel, see my answer to madmad.

    bee, funny.

    madmad, I'm gonna give the Diesel the benefit of the doubt and hope he was making fun of gal, if not, he's dead to me.

    jami, you and bee should be good friends then.

    johnny v, I'm gonna let you slide on this one...

    pomnot, I think we're all over Have A Nice Day. Out here they say it every 2 seconds. After you get hit by a car, it's "But have a nice day."

  21. Surcie6:28 PM

    Very funny, Suz!

    Not sure if I've said Enjoy! but I've definitely never called my two readers "gang." Two do not a gang make--although two could be "y'all." I'm more likely to say "dude" than "gal," and I'm sure that's totally offensive.

  22. Out here everyone says 'dude.' It's the new "man."

  23. Well, golly, I've been a comic for 20 years and I still tell other comics to "have fun" before they go onstage. I figure it's less cliched than "break a leg" and far less creepy than "go get 'em tiger."

  24. traci, 'break a leg' is not a cliche. It's a long standing tradition for actors. Especially in plays. You worry when another actor doesn't say it to you. It's like singing in the dressing room, NOT allowed!

  25. Suzy, enjoy this comment.

    And check out (hey, there's another one!) this DVD: "Thou Shalt Laugh"

    Hey, just saw that there's a second one. Haven't seen it yet, but #1 is funny (not "quit your job because you'll never measure up" funny, but it has its moments; not even particularly religious, as I recall--in case that helps).

  26. One more, for President's Day: what wisecracks, puns, one-liners or other jokes would YOU have come up with at this event? (amateurs and pros alike welcome to comment).

  27. I just wanted to thank you for opening my eyes and making me want to smack somebody when I see the word "enjoy".
    It never bothered me before and I'd never realized how many times people use it until this post.
    Thank you.