It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

My arch enemy Jenée has gone to Afghanistan to entertain the troops but usually works one of the bars at The Academy Awards at this time of year. Normally I would twist those words into something immature and sexual but instead I'm just going to wish her well and hope she brings me back a fly boy. One that she hasn't slept with yet.

My friend Tommy got a job working at TMZ, the TV show. I think that must be a whole other war zone over there. Coincidental that TMZ and DMZ rhyme? Don't think so.

I ran into my friend Ken, a local musician. He's 60 years old and we were talking about how I used to walk all over our neighborhood and he said that he remembered when I had a flat stomach. When do men stop checking out women's bodies? The answer is Never so just pass the mashed potatoes.

I'm pretty sure that the Jenny Craig people have been smoking their food. Queen Latifah is their new spokesperson and her commercial starts with these words: I've never watched the scale, that's not my thing. Well no shit, Sherlock. That's why you're now eating DIET food.

In the I Thought I'd Heard Everything Department I ran into another friend, Carson. I hadn't seen her in a long time and asked her what she was up to. She said that almost a year ago she was riding her scooter when a car hit her and she bounced off the hood. She broke her tibia and fibia and her kneecap lifted off. Her friends were in the car behind her and stopped to help because she was unconscious. They picked up her things and put them all in her backpack which was then loaded into the ambulance with her. When she got to the hospital, she was surprised to find herself at County, not a nice place to be in any town. When she asked the nurses why she was there, they said because she had no insurance. She said she did and to hand her her backpack. The nurses said she didn't come in with one. Turns out some kind soul had stolen it.

Lisa Rinna will be on the red carpet doing the celebrity thing this Sunday and although her lips take up a considerable part of a camera lens, I hope there's room left over for the dresses. She made the TV rounds yesterday and was saying that there is no more negativity, joking or criticism allowed; that the red carpet now is all just Positive! Positive! Positive!, thereby killing it for us at home and further ensuring the useless worship of celebrities.

And in more ridiculous stories about show business, KT Tunstall was deemed too old when she was only 27. No record company would give her a deal which reminded me of the movie Valley of the Dolls, made in 1967. The pill-popping Neely and her husband are discussing her acting career and he tells her that she's washed up in Hollywood. And she replies, "But I'm only twenty-three."

Made in 1 9 6 7.

End of chat.