The Grammy's

Alicia Keyes and Frank Sinatra. Wow.

Prince. He's 3 feet 12, weighs 18 ounces and I'd step over my dead grandmother to get to him.

Rihanna. Could someone please club me over the head when that song Umbrella comes on? Yeah yeah, it's catchy. I get it. I heard Britney Spears was offered it and turned it down so I think that proves she's not as insane as people think.

The Beatles and Cirque de Soleil? Not really. They're the Beatles. Cirque de Soleil is not.

Kanye, I like you dude. But special effects and a paean to your Mom don't make up for the fact that you can't sing without making my ears bleed. Just stick to rapping. And engraving MAMA into your hair? Who does that? When Frank Sinatra's Mom died, I'm pretty sure he didn't carve her name into his scalp. Although I wasn't there, so maybe.

Why don't Ringo Starr's ears have their own zip code? Unless ears determine penis size, I really don't need to see something that big attached to anybody's head.

CHER!
BEYONCE!
TINA and BEYONCE!

I was thrilled that Burt Bacharach won a Lifetime achievement award. He used to date my sister and is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. (I have better stories about him but they're disguised in my first book and way too wild to reveal on a blog) He once called me from Las Vegas where he and Paul Anka were holed up writing songs. He asked me to listen to something and come up with a name for it. It was 3 a.m. New York time and I was on the phone with these two legends and half asleep and couldn't think. I came up with a name but I have no idea what it was. If it was Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head, somebody owes me some money. I still run into him every few years or so and he always remembers my name and to ask about my career. People who love me don't even do that.

Best line of the night. Vince Gill after his win, "I just got an award given to me by a Beatle. Can you say that, Kanye?"

Worst moment of the night. The brilliance of the Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue followed by the clumsy intro by Who? and Who Else? I have no idea who the retards were that followed them. Herbie Hancock and Lang Lang were in the middle of a standing O. And just cut off at the knees. Especially since after Amy Winehouse sang Rehab they let her get plenty of applause. I'm glad Hancock won Album of the Year. Long overdue.

And Winehouse is still stoned; I'm guessing it's methadone to wean her off heroin. But yeah, make no mistake, still very high. I've actually been in rehab so yeah, high.

End of chat.

The Grammy's Herbie Hancock Gershwin Rhapsody in Blue Lang Lang Frank Sinatra Alicia Keyes The Beatles Kanye West Vince Gill Burt Bacharach