Wednesday, February 06, 2008

All My Troubles Seemed So Far Away

I voted yesterday but nearly missed out since I didn't see my language listed.

And just so we're clear, can a wheelchair go up steps now? Did I miss that tutorial?

I walked down to the Fedex on Sunset Boulevard and Argyle after I voted and came across this guy up in one of those tall palm trees, the kind with a long, skinny trunk, the kind you wonder how it survives in the desert that is L.A. Trees have a tap root. Since there is water under the earth, trees send a root, probably the most unpopular one, down as far as necessary to find this water. This guy was cutting off the top of this tree.
Or trying to commit suicide creatively.
Then I came across this billboard for final performances of The Ultimate Jew. If you've never seen Jackie Mason live and he comes to your town, go see him. I've seen him on Broadway twice and I laughed my ASS off. He's hilarious.

Jackie asked me out back in the early 80's. He met me at Dangerfields's in New York when I had stopped by to see a friend perform. The next day I got a call from his manager, who had tracked me down, saying Jackie wanted to take me to lunch. I don't remember where we ate but I do remember that he had on more pancake makeup than I'd ever seen on anyone, living or dead. I found out later he was partial to blondes. He gave me lots of advice which I don't remember and probably didn't take. To quote George Bernard Shaw, "Youth is wasted on the young."

Years later I was doing a gig in the Catskills and I had a rough time. When I left the stage, I was surprised to see Jackie, who was just hanging out. As I walked by him he whispered "They hate everyone, kid."

It was a great thing to say to another comic. A lot of comics will just shrug as if to say that you sucked and what did you expect, a standing O? Jackie knew I wasn't seasoned enough to play the Catskills and made me feel like less of a loser.

Then I passed by this mess. I was holding out for a Target but unfortunately it's more condos. We are now wall-to-wall condos in the Hollywood area as it has become the hottest place to live in L.A. It's very New Yorky. Lots of great shopping, movies, theaters, restaurants and did I mention CONDOS? You can see the famous round Capitol building down on the lower right, peeking out amongst the cranes.

And to wrap up...I cancelled my surgery.

I was on my way to Fedex to send my MRI to my doctor in India. It cost $80. It would have been cheaper to send it to the Sun. Stay tuned.

End of chat.


  1. "I voted yesterday but nearly missed out since I didn't see my language listed."

    Yeah, I guess "POLLING PLACE" in great big black letter on the top of the sign were just too hard to recognize. ;-)

  2. Jackie Mason? That's better than Cusack. More laughs and less alcoholic.

  3. You canceled your surgery? Like, forever? What's up with that? So, you're just going to walk ... or limp ... around hurting and never strapping on those cute heels? Or did you find an alternative to walking? Inline skates with great ankle support? More importantly, what will Jackie Mason say?

  4. And is it just me or does "Phong Phieu" somehow seem to be an appropriate term to refer to anything having to do with the political process?

    (Yeah, I know - just me, but I had to say it.)

  5. Anonymous11:09 AM

    Jackie Mason asked me out one night at the Comedy Store in about 1984. He said, "Hey you're a comic. Do you date comics?" I said no. It's best for comics to mate outside their species.
    Martha Jane

  6. WhatWhatWHAT! You cancelled your surgery? Why? Aside from the fact that it sucked of course.

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  8. Yes, why did you cancel your surgery? (don't answer)

  9. The sign cracks me up.

    I thought palm trees were endangered there in California?

    I doubt Jackie will come anywhere near where I am, nobody does.

    And, I am worried about you and your painful ankle.

    The picture of the construction just gives me a headache.

  10. Jackie Mason? Really? Get out! And I didn't even know that you were allowed to do stand-up in the Catskills unless you were Jewish. Jews are just genetically funny. When we whine, people laugh. That's why Hitler tried to kill us - he was jealous. Everyone knows Germans don't have a sense of humor.

    Oooh, and Jews aren't allowed to make Hitler jokes, so now I'm going to hell. But that's okay - I married a Catholic, so I was going there anyway.

  11. tommy james4:12 PM

    I never dated anyone as famous as Jackie Mason, but back in college, I did get to 3rd base with a girl who played "Little Orphan Annie" on Broadway.

    BTW, she offered no advice.

  12. I'll answer all surgery questions when I know more.

    Bossy, Jackie Mason over OUR HUSBAND John Cusack? Are you insane? Don't answer, I already know the answer to that.

    Suburban, anyone can play the Catskills but it's a hard gig to get.

    Tommy, I'll bet she gave you some advice and I'm guessing you took it?

  13. he had on more pancake makeup than I'd ever seen on anyone, living or dead

    That, that right there, would have scared the shit right out of me.

  14. 5 large is what you pay a Valet but you won't spring for $80??

    Confused in Tampa.

  15. Romas, your reading skills are down. I paid the $80. Are you going to tell me you don't think $80 for a Fedex to ANYWHERE is a lot?

  16. $80 seems really excessive, unless I'm grossly underestimating the size/weight of the package. I wonder if you could have saved money by going DHL or UPS? Sometimes different carriers have different rate structures for different countries.

    Does this mean you will soon be blogging a trip to India??

  17. What do you mean you canceled it? Like, forever? (Loved the rest of the post, btw - it's so nice to visit in your world.

    Oh. That sounds weird. But whatever. You know what I mean.)