Friday, February 29, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

"Good grief, you don't have a head shelf."
"What the hell is that?" I asked.
"It's those two protrusions at the base of your skull, one on each side."

That was the conversation I had the day I asked McLoserstene why all my elastic wraparound headbands wouldn't stay on my head. They kept sliding up in the back and I was constantly having to rip them off my head while swearing violently adjust them. She asked me to feel the base of her head. I felt hers and then I felt my own and promptly gave her all of my headbands. Life is so cruel.

There's a feral cat in heat loose in our neighborhood. The last time this happened was many years ago and the cat was quickly caught up by coyotes, mainly due to the incessant noise it was making. Is there a 1-800-Coyote number I can call?

Sidebar: Put down your keyboards and admit you've had similar thoughts.

There's a cricket in my apartment, which is not unusual as we get them every year. But in some cultures, having a cricket in the house brings good luck so I'm always reluctant to kill them. I saw it twice, swatted it and missed it twice so now it's just waiting until I'm sound asleep so it can jump on my face and suck the life force out of me. Oh wait, too late for that.

A few months ago I was at Mayfair, the supermarket down the street. That's the one where Patrick Dempsey ran away from me. I was in line behind a guy who worked at a studio. The checker, Bobby, asked Studio Guy what was going on and Studio Guy mentioned that they had cast the Get Smart movie with Anne Hathaway in the female lead. The entire line broke out into a heated discussion on why this was a bad idea. We all did agree that Steve Carell in the male lead was perfect casting. Everyone in LA has an opinion about casting. I only wish the studios would focus group food shoppers.

The 270 million lottery was won by a man from Georgia. He chose the lump sum of 160 million and after taxes got 100 million. Out of 270 million. Now I'm not going to turn down 100 million dollars anytime soon and I understand the government taking their ungodly cut of 60 million but as I recall, when Lotto started, the money was supposed to go to education and other things we no longer care about. So seriously, are there little mini Harvards and Yales that I know nothing about?

My Panasonic Lumix camera just broke out with Black Dot Disease. It's a year since I bought it and now it has a black dot on the lens although I'm not really sure where the dot is coming from. It's a classic case of Built-In Obsolescence. Objects are built to disintegrate based on the materials used so that industries can make more money off of us because we have to buy the product again. A touch-tone phone will last for a million years because all the parts are made of metal. My VTech phone is made out of spittle and a corn cob and weighs as much as a bag of Sour Cream and Onion potato chips. Yet oddly doesn't taste as good.

And finally, Valerie Bertinelli is making the rounds with her tell-all on life married to rocker Eddie Van Halen. Some of the shows she's appeared on have played the theme song from One Day at a Time, the sitcom she starred in back in the 80's. I was never a fan of the show and only caught glimpses of it now and again but I can't get that theme song out of my head. It's really quite catchy and tuneful and feel free to put a bullet through my brain as soon as possible.

End of chat.


  1. I just got rid of a cat and I am waiting to see if my family even notices (i am betting they won't - my neighbor kindly offered to do the euthanization because he hates cats).

    I live in a company town too! But I bet the contrast would be startling (here boring - but everybody looks good because they've got that scandinavian thing going - except out in the rural parts ..their still fat and have teeth missing).

  2. I totally forgot about Mayfair.

    In my neighborhood it's the coyotes EATING the cats that keep me awake.

  3. As a young teen, I worshipped Valerie Bertinelli in One Day At A Time. She was everything I wanted to be. Sigh. I couldn't stand her mother, though. I mean, you know, Ann Romano, the mom in the show.

  4. anne, your neighbors are defintely stranger than mine.

    jenn, did you ever live in LA? I see you're in the San Diego area.

    suburban, omg, the reason I wasn't a fan of the show was because OF THE MOTHER! I hated her too!

  5. Domestic-type animals don't last long running loose in our neighborhood, since we live in the boondocks outside BFE and there's all sorts of carnivorous livestock that would just love a midnight puppy or kitty snack. I've run coyotes off our porch more than once. Just this morning as I was leaving for work, I interrupted two BIG FUCKING HAWKS (I mean, they really were fucking!) in the trees over the driveway, and either one of those fuckers was big enough to carry off a small child. I'm not sending them to LA, though, because they do wonders at keeping the squirrel population in check.

    Sorry, but I can't fix your head (yeah, I deliberately worded it so that it could be taken more than one way), but I'd be willing to bet that there's a plastic surgeon out there somewhere who would be willing to graft some skull bumps on you.

  6. I can't wear headbands either and now I know why. Thanks "Wherehotcomestodie!"

  7. Anonymous11:47 AM

    Geeeshhh...non-cat-lovers. All you have to do is call one of the zillions of local kitty rescue places that abound in LA, and they'll be over in a New York minute if they think a cat is in danger. They'll trap her and take her away.

    You're a bug hater, and so am I. Here's hoping you SQUASH the damn thing, asap.
    Martha Jane

  8. Is it coming through on the pictures? Or just the LED screen?

    You probably have pixel-itus. ='s dead pixels.

  9. Oh yeah - context. Regarding the camera.

  10. OMG that is why I can't where headbands either! Thanks.

  11. Pomnot6:25 AM

    Aargh-now you've got that dumb song going through my head. We have 'camel crickets' in our basement and put little sticky things out to catch them. Only the cat and my mother got stuck on them . . .

  12. Funny stuff suz. Sometimes I think I'm sitting in a club...

  13. MJ< the cat is wild and I'm not sure anyone knows where it hides out. I think either the coyotes got it or something happened since it's quiet over here.

    She said, first I don't have a head shelf, now I have pixelitis.

    gm, I'm a regular encyclopedia of useless knowledge.

    pom, that song is annoying but catchy. Now you;re going to be singing it again. Maybe it's just be who is annoying?

    mickeys, I think you forgot to pay me the cover charge now that I'm looking through the cash register.

  14. Anonymous10:45 PM

    I read somewhere that crickets get louder as they die...I think that might apply to humans, too. If so, I don't have much longer because I find myself shouting a lot lately!!!

    Brad Slaight

  15. I had that Bonnie Franklin hairdo as a child. My sister looked like Valerie but not me; bowl city, baby.

  16. Dammit! Now I've got that song in my head. I'm going to have that song in my head at work. All. Night. Long.

    Thanks a lot.

  17. I somehow stumbled upon your blog, but don't worry, I wasn't hurt, just pleasantly surprised to have stumbled across the woman Larry David called a C*%#T on Curb. That is so funny & so are you, so I've blogrolled you.

    As for that Valerie Bertinelli... she always was a slut. Now, who was she again?

    Oh, and thanks a lot for the *heads up* about the headbands. I'll never be the same again. I'm crushed.

    Looking forward to reading your future posts.. get with it girl!

  18. As always, very funny - but the cricket waiting till you fell asleep to suck the life force out of you? I spit my Sweet Tart (yeah, don't ask) onto my kid's homework, I laughed so hard... and now we're trying to figure out how to wipe blue dye No. 2 off his French words... Ah, mon dieu, you know?