Should I be worried that my new ankle surgery date is April Fool's Day?
That's what I thought.
So I'm once again counting down the time and the list of things that needs to be done in less than 30 days just gets longer and longer. Added to my old list are these items:
1. Get my camera fixed so I can take pictures of all the blood and guts
2. Meet a deadline for a writing project
3. Get my landlords to repair and paint my ceiling before it falls down on my ankle and allows me to file a 20 million frivolous lawsuit against them
4. Learn how to walk down 2 flights of stairs with crutches like that's even possible
5. Trace a lost package of ink that I think is gone forever
6. Kiss that $52.00 goodbye
7. Buy new ink
8. Clean my entire apartment
Which brings me to my obsession with the Style Network show Who Wants a Clean House? starring Niecy Nash from Reno 911.
If you've never seen the show, the rundown is that people in the Los Angeles area call in and ask for help in decluttering the nightmare that is their home. The Clean House team arrives to deal with pack rats, hoarders, and adults who decorate in early college dorm.
The team goes through their junk to find items to unload at a yard sale which in turn will bring in money that Clean House matches up to a thousand dollars. So if the yard sale yields $1250, Clean House will add an extra grand to that so that they have $2250 to turn their hell hole into design magic via designer Mark Brunetz.
As fun as this voyeurism is, it gets better when you see what people refuse to part with. Burnt pans, 8 tracks and enough cheap plastic crap to open a Dollar Store. And as these people fight for the right to hang on to their decorative thimble collection, used toilet paper and mementos from their 1976 trip to Nebraska you can sit there smug in the knowledge that YOU would never own any of that stuff.
The worst offenders are the people who say "I like to be organized" while they're knee deep in more crap than you can find at a land fill. It's obvious that there are severe psychological issues at play with most of these people. The overweight wife or husband who got dumped, the grown man with hundreds of toys, the woman who lost her engagement ring in the clutter, the couple who are no longer having sex because the wife keeps their two year old son in bed with them because she is still breast feeding him.
Ew. Double ew if you don't have children.
I looked through my place, which is pristine and fabulous, and imagined the Clean House team begging for something to sell at my yard sale and decided that of all that I owned this was the one thing I wouldn't sell even if I appeared demented on camera.
It's a working Art Deco slot machine that belonged to my Dad. If they came to your house, what couldn't you let go of?
End of chat.