My Bad Minister Audition

My second Los Angeles agent decided I not only could play a minister but a lesbian minister to boot. Since he was gay, what was I going to say, "A lot you know about gay people?"

Before you start furiously typing in the comments section that nobody 'looks' gay let me respond with this. You've never been to Hollywood. I truly thought my agent would look at me after a year with him and say, "She cannot pull off a lesbian minister."

I'm not sure people who aren't in the business know this but when you go out for a role you dress for the part as best you can. If you go up for a Doctor or a gym teacher, you can either wear a lab coat or a whistle and baseball hat. Does everyone do this? No, but if you're going up for a hooker, you'd better take those fishnets, stilettos and minis out and chew some serious gum if you want a better chance. Now if you're just going up for a cashier or a friend or a dog walker, it's a lot harder to figure out what to wear. I have a friend who regularly has to appear in bikinis in front of a panel of casting directors because those are the roles she gets called in for, Beach Bunny With Cocktail or Murderess Girl By Pool.

So back to the lesbian minister. I didn't have any cassocks, albs or chasubles sitting around so I just wore pants and a top. I flirted briefly with the idea of a Lipstick Lesbian Ensemble but decided I wasn't sure how Lipstick Lesbians dress. Did they have a dress code? I was taking the audition way too seriously. It might help to point out that I was stone cold broke at that juncture in my career and I needed jobs. And we all know that when you need something that much, you reek of neediness and even small children will run away from you in the mall. Thank God.

I looked in the mirror before I left and decided to slick back my hair with gel. I have long hair so it became a long, disorganized mullet. I didn't wear any makeup. That was my lesbian minister. A mullet with no makeup and slacks from The Limited.

When I went in to read I could tell from the casting director's face that I was all wrong for the part. I should have just said, "I know I'm not right for this; my agent's a moron." But I didn't because I needed the job. I read the few bland lines, "Do you take this woman" and "Do you take this man" and that was it. The casting director barely looked at me when I finished. I was so uncomfortable I said, "I really like your sweater."

When the show aired on TV I wasn't totally surprised to see who they cast. The woman weighed about 240 lbs and had short hair and it was slicked back with gel. AHA! At least I got one thing right.

My apologies to lesbian ministers everywhere.

End of chat.