Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My Bad Minister Audition

My second Los Angeles agent decided I not only could play a minister but a lesbian minister to boot. Since he was gay, what was I going to say, "A lot you know about gay people?"

Before you start furiously typing in the comments section that nobody 'looks' gay let me respond with this. You've never been to Hollywood. I truly thought my agent would look at me after a year with him and say, "She cannot pull off a lesbian minister."

I'm not sure people who aren't in the business know this but when you go out for a role you dress for the part as best you can. If you go up for a Doctor or a gym teacher, you can either wear a lab coat or a whistle and baseball hat. Does everyone do this? No, but if you're going up for a hooker, you'd better take those fishnets, stilettos and minis out and chew some serious gum if you want a better chance. Now if you're just going up for a cashier or a friend or a dog walker, it's a lot harder to figure out what to wear. I have a friend who regularly has to appear in bikinis in front of a panel of casting directors because those are the roles she gets called in for, Beach Bunny With Cocktail or Murderess Girl By Pool.

So back to the lesbian minister. I didn't have any cassocks, albs or chasubles sitting around so I just wore pants and a top. I flirted briefly with the idea of a Lipstick Lesbian Ensemble but decided I wasn't sure how Lipstick Lesbians dress. Did they have a dress code? I was taking the audition way too seriously. It might help to point out that I was stone cold broke at that juncture in my career and I needed jobs. And we all know that when you need something that much, you reek of neediness and even small children will run away from you in the mall. Thank God.

I looked in the mirror before I left and decided to slick back my hair with gel. I have long hair so it became a long, disorganized mullet. I didn't wear any makeup. That was my lesbian minister. A mullet with no makeup and slacks from The Limited.

When I went in to read I could tell from the casting director's face that I was all wrong for the part. I should have just said, "I know I'm not right for this; my agent's a moron." But I didn't because I needed the job. I read the few bland lines, "Do you take this woman" and "Do you take this man" and that was it. The casting director barely looked at me when I finished. I was so uncomfortable I said, "I really like your sweater."

When the show aired on TV I wasn't totally surprised to see who they cast. The woman weighed about 240 lbs and had short hair and it was slicked back with gel. AHA! At least I got one thing right.

My apologies to lesbian ministers everywhere.

End of chat.

14 comments:

  1. If only they were more specific in their request. They should have asked for the stereotype of a lesbian minister!

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  2. You should have just worn the outfit you chose for the Ellen audition. Or you needed to get hammered first. What the heck, it worked in Paris.

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  3. definitely needed short hair - but I guess you didn't feel desperate enough to cut it...

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  4. I actually know two ministers (that part is shocking, I know) who happen to be lesbians, and neither one of them is overweight or has short slicked-back hair or drives a pickup. One of them does sometimes wear a flannel shirt, though. Which might be what you should have done. Or shown up with your wife.

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  5. I don't think you should apologize to lesbian ministers everywhere. You broke through some barriers and tried to destroy a stereotype! Thanks for making me laugh out loud this rainy Wednesday...

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  6. Anonymous11:21 AM

    Suzy,
    I totally get dressing "for the job." I went up for a role in "Lenny" (which later went to series for 12 episodes, and I was a regular). I had already been told that a ginormous 6'4" woman "had the part," but they were still looking. I was tall, but much lighter than now. At 5'10", I wore 4" heels, went and had my hair put in a 6" beehive. I towered over the world and got the role of Mrs. Luby. I don't know what happened to the other woman. She might possibly still be in therapy...
    Aloha,
    Martha Jane

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  7. Martha Jane, I really loved the show Lenny. I think it was the year television critics decided to be tough on standup comics so you guys kind of got screwed. (Lenny starred Boston comic Lenny Clarke.)

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  8. I,having never auditioned for anything, didn't realize you had to dress for the part. It does make sense.
    Thanks for the laugh. I am now picturing you with a mullet!

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  9. Anonymous3:28 PM

    Suzy,
    I thought you had the chops to act 150 pounds heavier. Anybody can be black. I am surprised.

    chandler in lasvegas

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  10. You probably should have gone the lipstick route. Next time.

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  11. Oh well, maybe next time! :o)

    I really don't know how you guys do it. It's too nerve racking for me to imagine someone judging me!
    :o{

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  12. Suzy said "And we all know that when you need something that much, you reek of neediness and even small children will run away from you in the mall."

    Been there done that...even homeless animals who need food, shelter, and water will RUN.

    Justin

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  13. I'm sick of hearing about these bad auditions... I wanna know if you spent any "extended time" on the casting couch. Let's go Soro, come clean.

    I admit it, I'd have sex with a stranger if it meant I'd get the part. Then again, I'm married with two kids. (Translation: I'd have sex with a stranger just to feel appreciated again.)

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  14. Okay, I'm stuck with those mental images forever now. Thanks alot. Apparently, you just don't know how to act like a butch (which is obviously what they wanted, lol). Frankly, they must be idiots to not have hired you... whatever. Keep your chin up & keep writing all the funny shit. I'm an old married lady with two grown kids and I love your stuff! I need my daily fix, or however often I can get it.

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