Monday, March 31, 2008

Will Tomorrow Ever Come? Oh Crap; It's Here

Today I went to Our Lady of Shoes and said a prayer for my surgery tomorrow. I lit a pair of black Christian Leboutins as that is the traditional color for throwing yourself upon the mercy of the altar. Or maybe that's for the death of your landlord.

I'd like to quote from my friend Jess Riley's new book, Riding Sideways, due out in May of this year (Riley's Rambling's on my sidebar) "It's amazing how much of a sense of entitlement complex you can get just walking around feeling healthy."

I beg you, PLEASE don't tell me the time will pass quickly and 'then it will be over.' I'm not a retard, well most of the time anyway, and believe it or not I understand the passage of time and the beginnings and endings of events. I'm living over here in Realityville, although to my knowledge Los Angeles has never been called anything remotely similar to that. And everyone knows that time only passes quickly when you're doing something phenomenal, like on Safari in the Serengeti, shopping in Milan or lying on the beach in Maui. So when Mr. Brick Wall or Miss Aluminum Siding offers up those platitudes, tell them they're not helping because you graduated from the 2nd grade and can actually tell time and while they're up could they pass the bottle of Vicodin?

I came down with a terrible cold last week, probably because my stress level was off the charts and caused my immune to crash. Then my allergies made a return engagement and I've now cancelled my accountant 3 times. I'm supposedly going at 5:30 pm today. I just may file late because there's nothing worse than crying all over your 1099's. And for all the wrong reasons.
I ordered the Roller Aid and it will be here this morning. "Because crutches can be a real pain." Really, Kojak? Why doesn't it say, "Because crutches will take you an hour to get to the bathroom to pee and by then you will have wished you'd put on a Depends." I've been practising with my crutches and except for the fact that they stick to the carpet and my body is 2 feet ahead of them, I think it's going very well.

I'm the first surgery on Tuesday morning and my friend Heidi the nurse said that's a good thing because they're not all tired from partying over the weekend. Although I've probably got the one L.A. doctor who hangs out with Lindsay Lohan.

My surgeon looked me in the eye twice and said "This is a VERY BIG surgery." After the second time I said, "If you tell me that one more time I will take those glasses off your face and smash them." Was he trying to scare me or just saying that the huge discount he gave me was worth it because it was a VERY BIG surgery? Why do doctors make so much money for being cruel? And if that's all it takes, I should be a bazillionaire by now.

In other gross news, he told me that they have to lengthen my calf muscle. So now I'll have 3 scars to add to the 10 I already have, for a grand total of 13. Can anybody beat that? You win no prize, it will just not make me feel all alone in the freakishly scarred for life department. And I'm only counting the physical ones.

The good news is that my right leg will be numb for 24 hours so I can have friends over to play "Did you feel that?", "How about that?" "Hey, where do you keep your knife sharpener?" Mr. Very Big Surgery said that the first few days will be really hard and I could tell from his voice that was a euphemism for PAIN WORSE THAN TORTURE BECAUSE THIS IS A VERY BIG SURGERY. I may not answer emails and only answer my phone when I'm really high off Vicodin. So get your tape recorders ready.

And at the end of all this I'll be able to wear these shoes by Balenciaga.

I won't be able to afford them, but I'll be able to wear them.

End of flats chat.


  1. I, for one, find the RollerAid incredibly hot.

    But seriously, best of luck with your ENORMOUSLY FUCKING HUGE SURGERY tomorrow!

  2. Positive thoughts coming your way!

  3. Beckie5:50 AM

    Best wishes from the East Coast!!

  4. My kids would LOVE to play with the RollerAid on the driveway.

    If you lived down here in the South, I would bring you a chicken casserole. But I'll just send these good wishes and prayers instead.


  5. Hey sweet girl. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel any better at all. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, and know how much you are suffering right now. I know it's going to suck the enormous suck, and frankly already has... for months. With each day, you are one day closer to the end of this. Another platitude, I know, but see those platitudes for what they truly are; love and good wishes especially for you.

    All my best to you, Suzy.

  6. I hope everything goes well.
    I say we should sacrifice another pair of shoes to the Chemical Deities that invented Vicodin

  7. I won't lie...the whole experience is going to suck nasty, Mickey Rourke ass. The only highlight will be the narcotics. Don't forget to take a stool softener with them. If there isn't anything worse than life post-op, it's life post-op while constipated.

    My bff's mom has one of those roller thingies from her ankle surgery. I thought it was the best invention ever. She loved it.

    Hopefully, you will come out of this with minimal antidepressants. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don't have a life, so I am usually around my computer for the most part.

    I echo the well wishes on your surgery. Good luck!

  8. Good luck. Those shoes are worth it, really.

  9. Because you live in Realityville (Hollywood? Really?), I will tell you - having spent time in recuperation - that time will NOT pass quickly. In fact, it will not move much faster than an arthritic turtle moving across a vast sea of peanut butter. And get a lot of books because daytime television sucks, even when you're stoned on Vicodin.

    Do NOT break the doctor's glasses because if it's his last pair, he won't admit that he REALLY needs them to do the operation and will just go ahead and do it without them. Unless you actually want your toes to point backwards, in which case, break away.

    I like the RollerAid, and I'm especially glad you go that model. Quite frankly, I really don't see a big market for one that DOESN'T turn. And yes, crutches can be a real pain but they're easy to pick up and throw in the back seat, too.

    I like Bee's idea. Something other than a pair of Leboutins though because you know the deities who masterminded Vicodin are probably so stoned that they won't know the difference.

    Good luck on the major surgery and lots and LOTS of luck on the aftermath ... ummm ... I mean, recovery! Yeah, recovery and recuperation.

  10. Do they have one of those with an electric motor? Wow, the concept of that on Vicoden . . .
    Good luck.

  11. The RollerAid IS really cool. You should get some stickers for it. Sparkly hearts and rainbows would make it look very pretty and give you something to stare at while high on your meds. I am glad you are getting the "one that turns!" otherwise you would be stuck going back and forth all day.
    Those heels are soo high, it seems like it would be impossible to not fall over forward in them.
    Even if you aren't able to answer, I will still annoy you with emails. Thinking of you.

  12. Just to let you know, I've now got the recorder hooked up to my phone so I'll be looking for some cheap entertaining blackmail material later on this week. Answer the phone if it's me.

  13. Aaahh!! Oh Suzy, good luck to you!!! I know you'll be very brave and get through it with flying colors...and hey, the Roller Aid looks kind of fun! And yeah, thank god it turns.

    (PS: oh dear, I hope I struck the word "complex" from that sentence in the final version...see, the editing / hyper-self analysis never ends...)

  14. Anonymous11:33 AM

    Good luck! My best wishes for a speedy recovery.


  15. Anonymous12:20 PM

    From Hawaii we invoke Pele the goddess to hover over you during surgery and guide you to health...
    Martha Jane

  16. Sometimes, being a grown-up sucks. Like when you have to make yourself go to the dentist, or to the surgeon, or whatever....

    Enjoy your drugs!

  17. Good luck. Maybe you can dream of the shoes as they put you under.

  18. Good luck. Maybe you can dream of the shoes as they put you under.

  19. oooh I read an early version of Jess's book and it kicks ASS and I mean that in a good way.

    Take care of yourself and get well soon

  20. Hey you guys, thanks so much for all the well wishes. It means a lot to me. Seriously. My own family is not in the picture so I consider you all my family and I feel very lucky to know you all.

  21. Surcie7:09 PM


    I'm saying a prayer for you, Suzy.

  22. Pomnot5:09 AM

    I will be thinking of you today and saying my pagan prayers for a successful surgery and speedy recovery - looking forward to more shoes!

  23. My husband won most surgeries at his high school reunion - think he may have as many knee scars as surgery - 11.