Friday, March 07, 2008

It's Everyone Can Bite Me Friday!

TO: American Express
FROM: Suzy Soro

Thanks for extending my Panasonic digital camera warranty for a year so I can rid it of Black Dot Disease.

To actually help me, however, you're going to have to answer the phone in your service department when I call. I know, weird, but that's how it works.
One of the items I added to my list of a thousand things I had to get done before surgery was to have my living room ceiling repainted so the health inspectors wouldn't fine the owners of the building. I did not have 'patch, prime and paint the bedroom' on my list. Nor did I have 'repair peeling paint in the bathroom' on my list. Those were added because I pointed them out to the health inspector as a joke, like, "You think the ceiling is bad, take a look at THIS." I'm thinking of putting a large barrel and a sign at the entrance to my front door that says, "Welcome to Casa Flaking Paint Chips. Please help yourself to a complimentary hat."

I set up an appointment with my internist today and the nurse told me to get my pre-op orders faxed to their office.

"The doctor needs to check your blood count to make sure you won't bleed-out during surgery."

And I needed to know that specific detail, why? I don't want to know why they're taking my blood. Just take it and shut the fuck up already. Now that information is stuck in the frontal lobe of my cortex, where panic and obsession live side by side searching for Xanax.

The finale of Project Runway was won by Christian Siriano, pictured below. Only 21 years old, his clothes were over the top, made for supermodel bodies and utterly heart stopping. When one of his models bitched about the towering heels he made her wear because it was impossible to walk in them, he turned to the camera and said, "Oh puleeeeze, I walked in them for 5 hours; if I can do it, she can do it."

Nobody is more fabulous than a queen with a dream.

My new TV obsession is The Real Housewives of New York City. Totally outdoes the O.C. women, who are all trashy and booby with bleached blonde teens who are more annoying than I am. If that's even possible.

My favorite New York couple is the one who are merged. "Inseparable since our second date." I can't figure out whether I'm jealous or just jealous or maybe jealous? Mr. Merged picks out handbags for her, which could be a 10 on the Creep-O-Meter. In their defense, they actually act like they're still in love. Mrs. Merged wore a Brazilian thong on the beach at St. Bart's. For the non-connoisseur of the Brazilian, there is no coverage over the ass. Finally, partial nudity comes to reality TV. Can full frontal be far behind?

Please spare me the comments on that double entendre. I beg you. I'm not a well person and could break into spontaneous bleeding-out at any time.

End of chat.


  1. At least the nurse didn't casually drop the location of the bleed-out. Eyeballs? Ears? Ruptured hemorrhoid?

    Are they re-hanging the drywall anywhere? If so, just move out now and come back in a month after they've cleaned up all the dust. The drywall job itself will take 3 days; the cleanup will take 3 weeks. Trust me on this - it's been 2 weeks and we're still cleaning up.

  2. You are one ambitious pre-op patient! This will be so worth the trouble while you're recovering on the couch, staring at your freshly painted ceiling.

    And I think they tell you about bleed-outs because they HAVE to, not because you're predisposed.

    I, too, love a queen with a dream. Really, how can you not?

  3. Jami, no drywall hanging.

    amy, this will be my fourth major surgery and not one doctor ever told me that. And this bleed out nonsense was told to me by the internist, not the guy doing the surgery!

  4. Then I think you should fill out a post-op comment card that cites "internist caused unnecessary panic and obsession." I once had a "procedure" and woke up post-op with a very sore throat. "Why is my throat so sore?"
    "Because of the tube we ran down your throat."
    "Didn't know you were going to do that."
    "We don't always tell patients. Makes them anxious."
    Good move! I don't need to know EVERYthing.

  5. Anonymous10:39 AM

    I think bleed outs can happen when people take aspirin as a regimen (for instance to prevent heart problems). So if you're on the aspirin, they take you off it before surgery. No biggie.
    Martha Jane

  6. Spontaneous bleed outs are slightly better than spontaneous combustion, which is a known side-effect of dealing with internists who trained using "Bedside Manners for Dummies."

  7. There was no reason to tell you that you might bleed out. They could have just said it was standard procedure to check everyones blood pre-op. Then if you wanted specifics, you could ask.
    What painting is that behind your bed? It looks familiar.

  8. Pomnot4:05 PM

    Suzy-you really should watch better quality TV shows, such as My Name is Earl and Lipstick Jungle. I even read the book (while reclining poolside,heated, pool that is, in Naples,Fla. with a glass of Chardonnay,I'm crying tears of nostalgia at the memory)
    I think that internist is a sadist or an insensitive clod. Or maybe he gets kickbacks from the anti-anxiety drug companies when his patients seem to need lots of them!

  9. pomnot, I'm a fashionista, there's no way I'd ever stop watching Project Runway. AI is just dumb. But I love Lipstick Jungle and Housewives of NY. L O V E.

  10. A queen with a dream is fabulous indeed.

    Here's to not bleeding out during surgery!

  11. Oh, I love that NY Housewives show, too! (Sick, huh?) Please tell me you're not painting it yourself but rather that it's being painted by some painting type person, preferably with a cute bum that will look nice up on that ladder?

  12. madmad, no I'm not painting it. I painted a 3 foot by 2 foot part of my dining room wall and had to be hospitalized soon after.