Monday, June 04, 2007


I no longer hate emoticons. After years of mocking people who used them I have finally come around. I hated them because they usurped words. I thought that if you were in a happy mood, you could begin an email with something like “I’m so happy today.” Or, if you were joking, you could say, “Just kidding.” An angry mode would elicit “Fuck you, asshole” instead of the dreaded frowny face. Remember? Words?

But that all changed a while back after an email and a phone call I had from two different people.


Suzy: That's weird but all today I've been praying for the same thing. BUT THERE IS NO GOD.

Friend #1: When and why did you stop believing in God?

Suzy: I was kidding.

Friend #1: Well... I wasn’t sure. Sometimes you can’t tell, you know?

I’ve known this person for twenty years. She knows I’m a comedian. She knows I’m the Queen of Sarcasm. And she didn’t know if I was kidding or not. That example may not have been enough to make me reach into a bag of emoticons and hand them out at Halloween but this phone call did.


Friend #2: If it wasn’t 10:00 a.m. and I wasn’t having a cocktail right now and talking to you, I’d kill myself.

Suzy: Rough night?

Friend #2: Rough week. Bad breakup, same asshole, second TIME.

Leave out the mixer; it’ll just cock-up the buzz.

Friend #2: You’re not going to judge me for drinking in the morning and wanting to kill myself over a guy?

Suzy: I’ve been there, done that, so no.

Friend #2: Do you think I’ll kill myself?

Suzy: No, you’ve got way too much invested in plastic surgery to do that.

Friend #2: Well two of my other friends didn’t see it that way. We were all on IM’s recently and I told them the same thing I told you. Drinking in the morning and going to kill myself and you know what they did? They each called 911, who sent paramedics, who then broke down my door because I was in the back of the house and didn’t hear them. They then TOOK me against my will to a hospital for a psych consult because if more than two people call 911 on your ass, you have to, by LAW, get hauled in or else the paramedics could lose their jobs later if it turns out you really did kill yourself or someone else.

Suzy: Now that you’re out I hope you’re considering killing your retard friends.

Friend #2: I was so pissed at them.

Suzy: Were the paramedics as cute as fireman?

Friend #2: As cute? No, no one is hotter than an LA fireman, except for an LA UPS guy.


  1. I think words are best, but sometimes it's hard to know if what I am writing is coming across as sarcastic or not.
    While, I have not personaly used emoticons, I find some of them really funny (_0_).
    I once called a suicide hotline for a friend and they suggested an intervention. By the time I reached anyone else to participate, my suicidal friend had taken apart his gun and couldn't figure how to put it back together. Dumbass!

  2. Anonymous4:03 PM

    Now I'm worried. I haven't used them previously either. I'm always late on new trends.

    Martha Jane

  3. you made me think of a paramedic story-stay with me this is wrong on many levels. My daughter was 2, my nanny had left some cleaner in a bottom shelf, J got into it and washed her face with chlorine- horrified i dunked her head first into a tub to rinse it out (i was on the phone with a friend, she heard me freak out when i found her and she called 911). She calls me back with poison control on the phone, they tell me paramedics are coming- i'm half naked i throw shorts on quickly, they come- all 6 of them. 2 are VERY HOT and now my focus is there because by this time J is laughing like nothing happened. I giggle like a fucking idiot and thank them when i look down my zipper is fucking WIDE OPEN and my CHERRY UNDERWEAR showing. nice. very nice. I still wonder if they were smiling because they thought i was lovely or because of my underwear faux pas.

  4. gmcountrymama: I didn't 'get' your emoticon. Obviously I'm out of the loop.

    MJ: you're not late to new trends. You just may be ahead of them.

    jane is dating: this is just one story that illustrates why I love you. In a non-sexual way, of course. Just so we're clear. Men still suck.

  5. As a word lover, I'm holding out a bit longer on the regular use of emoticons. You do, however, make a good point.

    I'm starting to like Jane. Great story!

    BTW, men are people, too...

  6. Oh yeah? Did I ever tell you about the time I was so freaking drunk at college, I put a pad upside down (sticky side up) and when I woke up the next morning....well I can't even think about it anymore- it was more painful than giving birth. And my friends and I were so hungover and unable to think clearly that only when I was about done one finally said- CUT THE HAIR OFF! DUh.thanks :) love you too but not in that way either which makes it weird talking about coochies or bunkies and what not.

  7. Ah man, this has me on the floor rolling...sometimes I miss LA. As for the UPS man, I dated a hot one on Vermont just out of college...but here in Massachusetts the Fed Ex guys are hotter than the UPS guys. Maybe because they aren't wearing brown.

  8. surcie10:47 AM

    I'm not saying they don't exist, but I have never seen an UNattractive UPS man.

  9. Anonymous5:41 PM

    I'm the genious that caused my friends to call in the paramedics over my "drinking and emailing" day from hell.

    I was seriously stunned when ten paramedics stormed into my bedroom though the second story window. They were very hot--and very sweet. I really did want to die then!

    I attempted to flirt and tease so they would understand that I was only depressed, but really okay. I almost suceeded, however, by law they could have gotten fired if they turned out to be wrong. The paramedics believed me, but the one that was the cop just wouldnt let me off the hook. I was so upset I told him he was a creep and that I hated him--he told me to stand in line with all the woman in his life-- that I sounded exactly like his ex wife. That did make me smile.
    I was even forced to crawl into the ambulance wearing my Victorias Secret nightgown--they wouldnt even allow me change my clothes by myself!! (The doctors later shared with me that my friend called the hospital before I arrived to warn them that I was charming. Nice--my secret weapon was exposed by my very best friend.)

    When the Doctor asked me if I had a history of mental problems, I replied "I was raised by two jewish parents-need I say more"? He replied --"I can certainly relate to that one".

    Thank goodness the ER doctors allowed me go home after three hours of observation. The shrink and visiting intern from Montana told me that I was the most normal person they met all week. hmmmm.

    The scarey thing was that they legally could have held me for three days against my will if they decided that I want so normal.

    As Suzy suggests--never "drink and email"--or dial--without using emtioncons-- unless its with Suzy who continuously gets it!