Mailbag # 11

As with past mailbags these anonymous lines are pulled from the emails I get. Some of my friends need therapy. I, on the other hand, have already had 5 therapists and am completely cured. Only I don't remember from what.

-I stopped blogging altogether when I realized I had nothing else to say. Am now just working up the nerve to stab myself.

-You really are fucking with people, huh.

-I will be experiencing the incredible joy known as purchasing a new toilet. I am getting this environmental model for low-flow water. There are two buttons on the top. You press “1” for number one, and “2” for number two.

-To Anyone Who Apologizes for not posting enough. Don't apologize. Trust me, it's enough.

-Now we have to deal with the sick-fuck violent porn available 24/7. Forgive me, I've been watching Dexter.

-Should my Mom die, I will ask you in advance to restrain yourself from stealing the flowers off her grave.

-My family would get decent money if someone just shot me now.

-P.S. Should we ever be in a situation where I am zapped, breathing but unable to feed myself, please pull the plug.

-and...............who do we hate?

-I'm saving this email for my "when I feel like an asshole" file.

-So, aside from that, Jackie, did you like the parade?

- I keep having moments of nostalgia, then I hear Harmony, or Mister, or the fucking poodle across the street and I resume counting the minutes.

-I was snowed in on Wednesday, my BD, with the kids. Damn it. Yesterday I had no will to live. Today the sun was shining but I had to go to work. I am there now, having a blast. NOT.

-one of my friends at work suggested I let my hair go naturally gray and I almost vomited. When you hear me say that I’m letting my hair go gray/white/whatever, please notify the authorities as it means I require hospitalization.

Mailbag # 10

More anonymous lines from emails I've received. If you want to out yourself, go ahead. And click on the label at the bottom of this post to read some of the other obscene and tragic one liners I've received from psychopaths I love. If I didn't use your line, it's because you're normal and I forgive you.

You need the respirator masks we use at the hospital for flu or TB patients. Of course they make a big deal about fitting everyone for the masks yearly, then we run out of sizes and have to wear whatever is left.

Texas is not part of the U.S.

We were sitting at the table after the show – it’s me, Estelle Getty and some assorted queens. Somebody brings up Esther Williams. Without missing a beat Estelle says, “She fucked everybody in Hollywood. What a slut.”

Went to the Encino Barnes & Noble today... Carol Leifer was having a book signing. I went over to Carol, chatted for a few minutes and dropped your name. For the record, this did not result in a free book. Either she didn't realize I was aiming for a freebie or Carol Leifer doesn't like you as much as she implied.

I packed plenty of Xanax.

As you know they post innocuous statements in our building elevators. The only one I have liked in the last 4 years has been from the Dalai Lama: “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” So today I almost spit up when the quote was from Kurt Cobain. Hello, didn’t he KILL HIMSELF?

Come on over. I've got a set of pliers and DUCT TAPE.

It's a small town where there was only ONE respectable town whore. You wouldn't want to be seen with any other whore, I assure you.

I've been struggling lately. It's all self-induced misery, so I'm a lucky bastard in actuality.

The bad blind date called. I kept the mental image of his disgustingly dirty residence.

Anyway, while I was gone the print shop put their brains on hold.

Too many blow jobs?

Mailbag # 9

For new readers, I randomly post unedited lines from emails I get. They're all anonymous but you can out yourself if you want. I have strange, funny and demented friends. See the first 8 Mailbags under the label at the bottom of this post if you don't believe me.


-OH MY GOD!!!! I am so happy to hear from you that I would pee in my pants, were it not for the fact that I died of boredom 6 months ago!

-Here's an invite for you to be my friend on the site icanhascheezburger.com. This is where I keep my favorite funny pictures and other fun stuff. It'd be great if you could check it out and rate it or leave a comment.

-I sent you a ginuwine (sic) email and ginuwine (sic) interest in your site and its content. It's mind blowing that you would talk to someone who's a fan of your site the way you talked to me.

-My night was bordering on ruined.

-He quit blogging but nobody knows why.

-I had a psychic experience this morning. I had a dream last night that I made out with Harry Connick Jr., someone I would never think of, and when I turned on the TV he was on The Today Show!!!

-I do have a cousin that used to work for a record company and she "discovered" Barry Manilow!

-there used to be a hideous expression my mother and aunt would throw around with abandon at a point in my life when all I cared about was sex and drugs and how absolutely fabulous I thought I was...similar to the one you sent " getting older is not for sissys".....

-The best Thanksgiving I think I ever had was when I fed the homeless at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium

-At that point I realized that the friendly stranger was Beth, Mrs. Dog-the-Bounty-Hunter. And then to confirm my identification of her, her cell phone rang, she answered it and said, "Oh hi Dwayne."

-Y tu mama tambien.

-I was in a rental car place the other day. A guy in a military haircut was wearing a t-shirt that said, “I may not be Mr. Right but I’ll fuck you until he gets here.”

-XXXXX has requested a recommendation as Atheist Grief Counselor at Godless Grief.

-Am I happy here? I'm a miserable fuck anywhere I go.

-Okay Suzy sorry to bother you. I won't email you bout group issues ever again.

Mailbag # 8

This is the eighth installment of anonymous snippets from emails I've received. Click on the label at the end of this post to read the others. Or not. If you recognize your line and want to out yourself, go ahead. Or not.


I've been trying not to go on blogs at work at the moment just in case I get fired one day, they can't use my blogging as an excuse.

I was just at an indoor play-place with my wife and kids and none other than Britney Spears was there with her brood.

I love shoving you up things!

But if you're fucked up and depressed...it's those pills. They are so insidious. First they make you feel so good. Then they ruin your life. Typical relationship.

Some guy my husband works with was stopped for speeding the other day on his way to work. While the officer was talking to him, the car’s engine died. The cop asked "What's wrong with your car". The guy answered "It ran out of gas". The cop said "Well, you can go then." So the guy walked the rest of the way to work.

You have always done me the courtesy of telling me personally to fuck off as the need arises.

Can my love be bought so cheaply? Why yes it can.

We are broke right now.

Never mind that I had the shit beat out of me everyday when I was a kid for as long as I could remember. I died during child growth.

I adore your titanium ass and the thong you wrap it in.

How many personalities can he have?

I can cross the street without fear of being run over by a car.

Now I'll have to be an adult. Doesn't that suck?

I have never been able to stand that guy- never even read him- he’s just creepy to me.

Did he show you what shoes he was wearing? Because a quick unbraid of the pigtails and we have DOROTHY! ding, ding, ding.

I should have worked for the FBI.

End of Mailbag

Mailbag # 7

Once again, out of context anonymous sentences from my emails:


We love you out here in nyc!!!!!

I was going to ask a lot of silly questions like do you think you'd be more famous if you released a sex tape.

ANT wants to add you as a friend on Pulse.

The funny thing about irony is how ironic it can be at times.

With as much metal as you now have in your body you should talk to Marvel about making you their next movie superhero.

I laughed out loud, then felt bad about laughing.

Nurses are so much nicer to funny people.

You are a tough cookie.

I like to bowl, but only if I am drinking.

Helping you makes me happy. I learned it from the Dalai Lama! He is my homeboy! If my home was in Dharmasala, India or Llasa.

I must have been stoned or in love when I saw it. Actually, I think it was both.

I’m jonesing for some good stomach virus- I need to let go of about 10 pounds right now.

If I had a gun I would have used it LONG AGO on myself. If you find one, I beg of you to point it directly at my head.

I'm still sending you some good tequila vibes.

Exactly why are we allowing tenants to move in in the middle of the night?

I am consumed about reading nice things about myself as I have no shame.

I'm a bitch before 2 pm.

Now where are my 2 adult children? You know, the crazy one & the crazy one?

Mailbag # 6

Hi, Ms. Fabulous!

Hi, this day sucks

Suzy Sord

Hey Suz E Cute

S,

Hey Soro Family…

Hi beautiful woman

Ahhhhh....Suz

hi suzy

To The Soro Family

Dear SUZY SORO

Hey Suzy

Hello Suzy S

Dear Suzy

Suzy!!!

Hey Suze canal

Soro

Mr. and Mrs. Soro

SEEZY SORO

Hey doll face!

Hi sugar lips

Dear Greta Grumples

Mailbag # 5

More anonymous news from my emails.....

That made me laugh so hard my neighbor started pounding on the wall.

I started on Prozac a week ago and it seems to be helping.

As a kid we went antiquing all through New England and to auctions and every museum and Corning Glass and Watkins Glen and the Grandma Moses museum and Howe Caverns and we also visited the monument to run-on sentences in Rensallaer, New York.

I love Oprah. Been on her show a few times.

Sarcasm is a cock block. No matter what words the sentence contains, the primal tonal implication too closely mimics, "You call that big?"

Thanks for the heads up on onions and garlic. I actually knew about spinach as I love it and had to cut back.

Do you play poker?

Just got back from Maryland, my little sister Marie finally lost her battle with cancer, she was 48.

We put a link to your blog on our site and quoted you in our press kit!

Sorry I didn't get you an invite for the party... I was pretty crazed.

I HOPE YOU’RE WELL AND I WOULD LOVE TO BOOK YOU ON EITHER OF MY SHOWS. MISS YOU; IT’S ONLY BEEN 14 YEARS!

I’ll drop by before I leave...which will probably be in an hour...I’d like to browse your accessory boutique, if you’re awake that is.

I am giggling like a little boy with a fart machine.

Thanks for the kind words about my work! Sometimes I question myself and ask...'what the hell am I doing this for?' I guess other kinds of artists question too!

I was thinking of making you something really yummy. A stick of herbed tofu rolled in a rice wrap with greens and veggies with a spicy sweet peanut sauce. It’s a veggie spring roll. I’ve made them before, they're good!

EVERYONE on my email list is getting this email. This does not mean that you’ve somehow joined my email list. You’re just getting it because I’m begging for something specific that crosses all boundaries of common courtesy.

End of chat.

Mailbag # 4

Yet more anonymous snippets from the emails I receive.

I really don’t mind pissing off stupid people; I’m just trying to avoid alienating the smart ones.

I didn't feel like drinking too much anyways so instead I took a Xanax.

If I ever need a private dick, you'll be the one I call. Actually, you're not much help but you're fast.

I almost tried out to be the guy that draws the numbers for the Georgia Lottery this morning.

What date is your ankle surgery? I want to write it in my calendar so I can bring you magazines and fairy dust.

I am in the process of having to have a D&C. Not pretty and I think I have had more doctors looking at the inside of my vagina than I care to mention.

Just wrapped up a week on Without A Trace....have been trying to get into one hour land for a while......it went well...will let you know when it airs.....of course you know I could play a creep. What a stretch.

Just finished reading "I Killed" by Ritch Shydner and Mark Schiff - - AND WHY WAS ONE OF YOUR STORIES NOT IN THAT BOOK??? Hopefully, they'll do a part II - seemed like so many comics were missing & SOOO many I had never heard of.

Hey, you want to go hike Runyan Canyon with me?

My mom is in town and said to say hi.

Amazing how our heart strings are pulled with songs, or pictures, or smells... right? I can not believe the rollercoaster we buy tickets for sometimes.

You get to be neurotic for a little while, but then someone usually slaps some sense into you and then a blizzard hits and your father accidentally drives over one of the barnyard cats and you hear about possible ethnic cleansing in Kenya and you kind of remember what's important after all.

End of chat.

Mailbag # 3

This is the third installment of anonymous snippets from emails I've received. Click on the label at the end of this post to read other excerpts from my demented intelligent friends. If you recognize your line and want to out yourself, be my guest.

Hee hee....well...I now know you are not perfect and can have typos. Wow. Not sure I can look you in the eye again.

I feel like the last kid to be tested on the rope climb in gym class. Everyone else has finished and is standing around, relieved, just watching me & waiting for me to give myself a crotch burn.

If you ever decide to do a show I hope you'll think of me for director. I won an award for directing a show but I can’t remember the name of the award.

Should I mention my book? Or is that whorish? I'm asking because I know that you are the arbitrator of all things whorish.

She has brought her 9 year old every day and I’m sorry but I don't spend that much time with my own kid. I go to work to escape kids and then I’m stuck with that kid...who's not even cute.

I am off to try and finish the first Harry Potter. Am I the only one in the world who just can't seem to get into it?

There is this thing in nature where newborn babies look like their father so the father doesn’t eat them.

Anyway, the main point of this was to email and admit to being an asshole. I have thought of calling you back every day. Retarded shit happens like it's literally too windy to use the phone.

And yeah, I like the Phillies because Who Am I If Not Being Chronically Disappointed By My Sports Team?

I'm just not sure he would have the balls to call her. And then they'd probably just have sex anyway.

I noticed you didn't post today and I got worried.

I bid low and got to perform at the house of this millionaire. I did great. They were happy. I should have asked for more.

Did you ever write so much that you start obsessing about remembering where commas go?

I mean, not everybody is going to like Andrew Dice Clay, but even the people who do like him would get a little freaked out if he broke character in the middle of his act and started talking about how much he loved the Joy Luck Club.

End of chat.

Mailbag # 2

More anonymous snippets from emails I’ve received:

My second favorite family activity is we all sit around and take our blood pressures.

I love being a mom, even though sometimes I cry a lot.

As my ex used to tell me -- sometimes he thought I looked like Ava Gardner--and other days he thought I looked a lot more like Ava Gardner's maid.

I am feeling very sensitive this week as some local bitch moms hurt my feelings. I know, who cares about local bitch moms, I guess sometimes I do.

So I took a pair of his Italian 300.00 pants and ripped the ass seam a little- not where he can see it but enough so that when he sits it will continue to rip.

I've never seen such huge nipples in my life!!

You're like some kind of twisted Mother Teresa of stand-up - keeping all the bent motherfuckers in touch - very sweet...

I once called a suicide hotline for a friend and they suggested an intervention. By the time I reached anyone else to participate, my suicidal friend had taken apart his gun and couldn't figure how to put it back together.

I got overwhelmed by her kids. They were cute, but they were kids. I don't do kids very well.

I remember being with my sister and her friends at Wellesley and one of them wanting to know if anybody else was interesting in going over to a party at MIT for some “sport fucking.”

I can't remember the faces of all the guys I’ve slept with. Oh my god, I wouldn't want to. Who would? Wouldn’t that be a scary poster? All those faces? We could each have one. The bad part would be being on someone else's poster.

My problem is that I wish I DIDN'T remember half of the people I slept with.

Mailbag # 1

Anonymous snippets from emails I've received over the last 6 months:

Don’t tell anyone but I spend way too much energy on the Anna Nicole Smith case. It’s like a freak show meets a train wreck and I am powerless to look away.

My cousin is making me a party with a Mexican theme. For some reason she thinks I like Mexican food. I could take it or leave but didn't want to hurt her feelings. If I want Mexican I'll move to L.A.

PLEASE don't feel badly if you'd prefer not to receive my promotional emails! Just be really sweet when you respond to tell me.

I sat down with my husband and guess what he was watching on TV? A show on how to accessorize your WEEDWACKER, he even shushed me.

If you want to know how boring my life is, here is my favorite site to visit: www.AutomaticWasher.org - I am trying to solve the excruciating problem of excess lint in my washing machine. But seriously, these people are crazy for washing machines, especially the vintage ones. I've spent a few hours viewing the collections, while sipping Chardonnay. G thinks I’m crazy and I'm still mad at him for getting rid of my harvest gold Maytag that worked perfectly.

As for exes, I look for my ex-husband whenever I see the show Cops on TV.

Do you know how long I've waited to sleep with you? I've even started going to AA meetings again to bump into you.

I am laughing because I don't know why that is funny.

My friend & I followed Michael J. Fox and his wife around that neat stuffed animal store in the valley. We knew everything in their basket, then we left when they did.... and tried to follow them home - I must say he is good - he lost us within about 2 street turns.

do you go out with men and have relationships?

I am so glad I don’t have children! But I suppose this means I’ll be a prime candidate for some nursing home where the attendants will steal my jewelry.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING INTERESTING? I am so bored I could faint.

I’m really upset--only you would understand.

Frank
Welcome to HP Total Care for Scanjet & Photosmart Products. My name is Frank. How may I assist you today?

Suzy Soro
My scanjet started printing out everything in lavender.

Frank
I am sorry to hear this. However, let me see how best I can help you. Could you please provide me a detailed description of the issue which would help me assist you better?

Suzy Soro
I click on the third button to the right, the scan to print button, and it prints, but it comes out in lavender. It didn't do this when I first got it so I'm not sure what happened.

Frank
Could you elaborate Lavender?

Suzy Soro
Lavender is a color.

Frank
Okay.

Suzy Soro
A light purple color.

Frank
And what is the problem with the lavender?

Suzy Soro
It’s not black.

Frank
Oh.

I logged off of HP Live Help. Frank can go fuck himself and the Filipino pony he rode in on.

End of a frank chat.