Monday, March 23, 2009

Cereal Killer

I was never an emotional eater. But before I went to India in 2006, I started. I was in extreme pain, could barely walk, scared to death and did I mention I went alone? While I was there I dropped 5 pounds in 2 weeks. As I prepared to leave, I put on the dress I came in with and another American who had been there as long as me remarked that I had lost weight then said, 'Yeah, when you came in wearing that dress I thought you must have had no friends to tell you that dress was too tight." I came in at 140, left at 135. I actually thanked her for telling me because she was right; no one had told me to just stop eating and I was pretending I had a fun house mirror in my place, the one that makes you look thin and tall. Remember my neighbor Ken who had said to me "I remember when you had a flat stomach." And the janitor of the Best Western at the end of my street who asked me when I was due? Due for what, to kick his ass?

Over last summer I got down to 123. Now I've started the late eating because Natasha Richardson died and a blogger wrote me and said her mother fell and died a week later and I've fallen 209 times and I have 2 more doctors to deal with and I'm not clear that a subdural hematona isn't growing somewhere BECAUSE I PEED ON MYSELF THROUGH A THONG. If that doesn't scream subdural hematoma growing slowing and working its way up my body then I don't know what does.

I've gone to doctors since I was 13 and there was always something wrong with me. Once I told that to a friend and she said STOP SAYING THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. And I replied, I can't because there IS always something wrong with me.

Apparently some parts of The Secret I haven't quite mastered yet.

This week I'm weaning myself off Froot Loops, Multigrain Cheerios, Special K Red Berries and Corn Pops.

I'm now at 125 lbs and dangerously close to breaking the weight laws of L.A. so I had orange Metamucil for dinner. It would have tasted better with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. A Metamucicle! My weak calf has filled back to regular size so I'm thinking my right calf weights two pounds. IT COULD HAPPEN.

I never thought I'd ever say this in my life but I miss working out. Then you can eat whatever you want. Maybe today I'll ask the acupuncturist to put some needles in my carb section, which is all over my body.

End of chat.


  1. Metamucicle...I just peed myself that was so funny!!!

  2. So YOU"RE the bitch that keeps sending me those pounds. I am packing them up and sending them back.


    (Don't worry about the falling shit. You would have been dead by now...)

  3. I fall a lot too, but it's because I am stupid. I've heard you can't fix stupid, but I am still looking for a cure. Actually, I never thought I was an idiot until I got in a relationship...then it hit me, I'M STUPID! But that's another story.



  4. I hate to laugh at your expence but....I'm laughing at your expence.

    Now I'm craving a metamucicle!

  5. I''m having a Metamucicle for breakfast over here. And fruit loops? Man, it must be bad. I'd rather binge on some of that chocolate cereal stuff. Do they still have Count Chok-u-la? I used to eat that. But my favorite breakfast was Entenmans chocolate donuts. And I ate them with a fork. What a weirdo. Now it's a Fiber ONe oats and chocolate bar. It's awesome. Highly recommended. Kinda like a Metamucicle.

  6. New product idea to make you a wealthy woman: The Metamucicle. Genius!

  7. I'm thinking a Metamucicle sounds pretty good right about now. It would distract me from the Thin Mints that I've been eating for breakfast. I don't want to be hasty, though, as the thin mints give me a minty tast in my mouth that allows me to put off brushing my teeth.

  8. Oh man, I was just about to mail you those 3 dozen chocolate covered cherries to you. Dang it!
    NOW, what do I do with them! Chit!

  9. Will it help you feel better to know that I just laughed so hard I peed a little?

    I like Aria vanilla protein powder in orange juice - tastes a bit like an Orange Julius. Sometimes I blend it with ice. Whee.

    I was talking with a friend about kids and how they tend to get a little belly just before they hit a growth spurt, and it struck me - I'm not fat, I just never hit that last growth spurt! Yeah! I SHOULD be seven feet, four inches by now! I blame the hole in the ozone.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (whose left thigh probably weighs as much as your whole self)

  10. OMG I so identified with this post! I'm a sugar sandwich fiend. I never met a carb I didn't like and they like me just as well.

    I have cut myself off of sweets cold turkey. I think I need to go see Dr. Drew. Do they have rehab for sugar addiction?

  11. I haven't weighed 125 since third grade.

  12. Shelli, if Metamucil steals my idea at least I have all you witnesses.

    Vodka Mom, maybe I'm writing from the grave. YOU DON'T KNOW.

    Phil, all relationships make us stupid. I can vouch for that.

    Merecat, Count Chocula!! I'm so looking for that.

    Comedy Goddess, I'll share the wealth.

    Kathy B!: We might be twins. I wasn't sure until the thin mints line but now I'm sure.

    Darsden, never say chocolate to me again or I'll slap you, wherever you are.

    I could never have done it without all the Vicodin the doctor gave me (120)It was the worst and best summer of my life.

    Kyddryn, I'll send you my funhouse mirror.

    Gladys, you cut them out completely? I tried that once and plunged into a depression, that's hw addicted I was. How did you do it?

    Susan, cut off one of your legs, that might help.

    God, you guys are all so funny today. I'm assuming you all got laid?

  13. Anonymous11:24 AM

    Amazing that you post about eating/dieting. It has been HELL for the last week. My bikini-wearing, gorgeous, lovely (teenaged, 13 and 15) nieces are visiting. They eat all day, non-stop, including Ben & Jerry's, and they are beyond slim with long, thick naturally blonde hair. Hopefully, they'll be very successful and take care of their auntie in her declining years.

  14. At least you're tallish. I'm so short that one pound looks like I'm smuggling watermelons. In my cheeks. The ones on my face.

  15. Are you still here?
    Have you outlived the milk in your fridge or whatever else has an expiration date?
    You're probably fine.
    I'm still worried about the delayed drowning or dry drowning that was on Oprah a few weeks ago.
    Now,that was some scary shit.

    Peace - Rene

  16. I never ate too much until I got pregnant. No more picky-don't let different food touch each other on the plate-leave some- eating.
    Do you have a pinched nerve in your boobs?
    I miss missing working out.

  17. Cereal is the antichrist, as one can continue evening out the milk-cereal-ratio times infinity.

  18. L.A. has definitely warped your mind.