Friday, February 20, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

It's official. I'm at Def Con 1.

I microwaved a Dinty Moore tub of Beef Stew. And thought it tasted good. This was from my emergency earthquake reserve, which I keep eating.

I can't stop watching Maury and Jerry Springer because I might have children out there I don't know about because the DNA results aren't in yet. I told you, Def Con 1.

Stop asking me to join Facebook. PLEASE. I hate myspace, Facebook and Twitter. I keep in touch with 2 people from high school and 3 or 4 from university. Why would I want to remain connected with kids who had no goals other than to move three blocks from where they grew up? I'm not that person, and neither are my current friends, as most of you have figured out from reading this blog. I'm not glued to the electronic zeitgeist; (lie) I went out and did things with my life, like bought DINTY MOORE for the earthquake that will make the third floor collapse on top of me before I can get to the microwave, which will not work because there will be no electricity and oh yeah, I'll be dead.

And let's not forget why I hate everyone (not you pomnot) in my high school. THEY DIDN'T LET ME IN POM-PONS. That's the picture above of me and Jamey and our fake pom-pons. Bitter, party of two.

My sister took the same path as I did WHICH MY MOTHER BLAMES ON ME. The picture below was taken in NY, the one and only time my sister Lindy played there. I hadn't seen her in a while since she'd moved to LA to follow Burt Bacharach, who she was dating at the time. She once told me she can't look at old pictures of the good ole days because it depresses her. So I found this one to see how far out on the ledge she'll walk. She played The Princess of Power, She-ra in the 80's. She was flown around the country to do meet and greets with kids and ADULT comic book freaks, who she said were creepy and asked her out. AS IF.

I was waiting on a corner in midtown when she got out of the limo and looking back now, I hope to God we both laughed. She was getting paid and I wasn't so I'm guessing she laughed while I acted all superior because I was wearing shoulder pads and not a horn of plenty on my head.

I'm sure it's apparent to you all that it was probably just as well that neither of us had children.

And here's one of my famous cooking tips. If you happen to drop beef stew juice on your counters? And don't clean them up in 10 seconds? Those drops will be harder to clean up than the Exxon Valdez. You're welcome.

End of chat.


  1. I'm willing to bet this outfit looks more sane than the shoulder pads one...

  2. I don't get the whole TWITTER concept.

    Blogging is self absorbed enough, but who REALLY wants to know what you are thinking and doing EVERY 2 MINUTES OF THE DAY?!

    Who has the time?

    I need to hear some audible voices sometimes, not all these "voices" I've created for people in my head.

  3. Funny, did she know you were lurking around the corner!

    Suzy, are you feeling better honey? You must still be feeling poorly if you are eating dinty moore stew. Want me to bring you some homemade chicken soup?

    Have a good weekend.

  4. I have a Facebook page, somewhere... apparently the "addiction" never "took."

    Re: "Beef Stew On The Counter," I recommend an immediate Face-Down Hoover Maneuver. Works every time.

  5. Oh, sugar, not Dinty Moore!

    Once that stuff gets on the counter, the only thing you can do is remodel the kitchen.

    Not that I speak from experience or anything. Ahem.

    I have a Facebook, but darned if I know what to do with it. I don't twitter in public - I like to think I still have SOME boundaries.

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  6. She-Ra? That's pretty impressive.

    The face-down Hoover remover method Kyddryn recommends? Nooooo!

  7. Dinty Moore? Is that stuff even cooked? All that went through my head as I was reading was beef stew, earthquake, no power and botulism. Maybe it's like a cyanide pill in case you're so stuck under earthquake rubble you'd rather eat the dinty.

  8. I happen to know from experience in a former life that if you let a big glob of Dinty Moore Beef Stew (although it may have been Wolf Brand Chili) sit on the counter long enough (like a week or two), you can eventually use a single-edged razor blade to slice it off, whereupon it makes a very good beef jerky substitute.

  9. Anonymous6:21 PM

    I think Underwood Deviled Ham or some kind of canned corned beef hash would be worse. So until you're eating those, I won't worry. But you sure sound like somebody should be bringing you some pie, ASAP.

  10. Did you have a flag team in high school? I see you as way more flag than pom pom

  11. I was flag and not pom pom. We rocked in these swirly sequined halter top polyester stripper dresses, when we weren't whacking each other with our flags.

    The dresses were ordered a couple years prior for a squad of A & B cups. I was part of a bustier squad. We had to flatten each other with duct tape before shoving ourselves into those fabulous frocks.

    The pom poms felt superior in the sequined speedo one-pieces. Like they'd know superior.

  12. If you're lucky, a properly placed earthquake will open your cans for you, so while the food will be cold, at least you be able to eat, because the can opener is going to be lodged in some drawer you can't reach.

    Oh, I almost forgot, are you on Facebook or Twitter or anything?


  13. I still can't figure out what I am supposed to do with my facebook page, I know, retarded!
    Now, let's see you in that outfit!

  14. I'm going crazy for your sis right now. I was IN LOVE with She-Ra when I was a kid! She looked great...this is an awesome '80s photo...priceless.