Thursday, February 12, 2009

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

First of all, there's this:

Thanks Susan, and if I've never told you this before, you have a beautiful first name.
This is my sister Lindy in her overpriced co-op. Notice the weight bench and free weights on the balcony, to the right. This is overkill because her gym is across the HALL, on her floor. I picked her up downstairs after nearly clipping a red Ferrari the valets were parking and I mentioned how cold I was. She said not to worry because she left the heat on in her place so it would be warm when we got back.

We went to a thrift store and got 6 items for $27.00, including a black leather coat and a brown suede one. Sadly, they didn't have anything in my size 6 with a size 8 stomach. You'd think that in this economy stores would be more accommodating. Rude.

The next day the manager of my building asked me why my stomach was swollen. Rude.

When we got home from the thrift store an igloo had formed in Lindy's living room and Inuits were hanging blubber to cure for the summer.

"God, it's SO hot in here."
"This is hot to you?"
"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuzy, it's SIXTY-FIVE." (actually she called me asshole)
Since it's SO hot I want to hit the pool; can I borrow one of your size 6 stomach size 8 bikinis?"

The view of the Santa Monica Mountains from my sister's balcony. And below is the fern where a pair of doves live. See the tail sticking up towards the top of the picture? It sometimes stays like that for hours.

I used to make fun of my parents for taking pictures of plants and birds. God, I'm a tool.

The doves lived in that fern for years high up in a corner and then one day they disappeared. Doves make a little dove noise when they came in or out of their nest. One day Lindy thought she heard their familiar sound and went out to her balcony only to discover it was the sliding glass door of the people on the fourth floor. She talked to them and mentioned their door sounded like her missing doves. The 4th floor neighbors said THEY had a new pair of doves who moved into their fern a year before.

My sister knew those were her doves and wanted them back because everyone knows you can control feral animals with your mind. So she practiced The Secret. It got so extreme that one day she actually thought she saw one dove sitting on the rail of the balcony. THERE WAS NO DOVE THERE because all our family is insane. She said that bird sitting on the rail was so real to her that she was positive it was hers. So she just kept visualizing those doves back in her fern. She also kept doing The Secret (if you've only seen the movie and not the book, get the book)

And finally they did come back and have been there every year since.

Seriously, everyone in our family needs therapy.

End of chat.


  1. Anonymous4:25 AM

    seriously i thought that was a picture of you.

  2. My stomach has been "swollen" for a couple of years now. I should probably get that checked out.

    I'm jealous of your sister's non-swollen tummy and your thrift store bargains!

    We live in a very depressed area here, NO ONE has money so our Thrift stores are like garbage bins. If people are giving it away, and THEY'RE poor to begin with, you can only imagine the great finds.

    *Don't forget to come to my blog on Monday to vote to keep/discard the verification word!


    *Never complain about what you allow.

  3. I've been hearing a lot about this "secret". Maybe I should check it out. I want doves too.
    Although I don't have a fern they can live in right now, so they need one or can they live in any ol plant?

  4. Awwww Suzy, a warm and fuzy story. I love she got her doves back. That is really cool. I have heard of other birds nesting in the ferms but never heard doves nesting there. I have problem finding short fat petite sections at the stores. I even ask them for that section You should see the Looks I get! Happy Friday the 13th!

  5. Swollen stomach? I'l show YOU swollen stomach. Nevermind. I couldn't do that to a friend.

    We had hummingbirds at our old house. Now we have hawks, so no hummingbirds.

  6. I've just spent hours looking for a doves tail sticking out of a plant in the wrong picture. I should get out and scroll more.

    Those pictures are making me seriously regret ever having left West Hollywood.
    Last night Mysweet and I agonised about whether we would ever be able to move back to LA...or maybe San Fransisco...It is that time of year!

  7. Who among us wouldn't benefit from a little therapy?!

  8. I read The Secret. I loved it. And I appreciate the concept of it. But I have to say, no matter how often I think positive thoughts about those cheques coming in the mail, every last lovin' piece of mail is STILL A BILL!!

    Even your size 8 belly is a hell of a lot smaller than my size 12 everything! Enjoy it!

    I love thrift stores. People always comment on my cute/funky clothes. Being the total lady that I am, I can't stop myself from screeching out, "I got it for $2!!"

    I'd rather be cold than hot. I have seriously been freaking out lately. I've been walking around in a t-shirt in -30 Celsius and SWEATING! I'm hoping it's just my high percentage of bodyfat...but who knows!?

    Speaking of therapy...thanks for the session. Glad I could vent!


  9. I'm here for the therapy- where do I lay down???

  10. Yeah but you're an incredibly endearing and hilarious tool. And I also love Susan at SCMT....and hey WHAT a name...


  11. I found a pair of size 8 jeans that fit me so of course I bought them.(one out of about 10 pairs I tried on) My ass and legs are the first thing to get smaller when I lose weight. My arms and swollen stomach are the last to go.So sad.I don't have much of an ass to begin with.
    I love this post, hope you are feeling better.

  12. Oh, I forgot, you're a professional - I'll ask you. What do you do when a joke falls totally flat? As in, dead silence, hostile stare, flat?

    The other night at the bookstore I used my Playboy joke on a guy buying a girlie magazine, and I got that reaction. So I said, "Ba-dum bum!" and gave him his change. But I was afraid he was going to come back in with a gun and shoot me.

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