Tuesday, December 01, 2009

I Really Need To Start Wearing Underwear

I want to thank Nurse Heidi (not her porn name) and Martha Jane in Honolulu for helping me on Sunday night. I've talked aboutHeidi being smarter than a doctor and she came off a late shift in her Vermont hospital and called me at 2:30 a.m. her time to tell me what to do. Martha Jane also gave me great suggestions and I did listen to them both so I'm grateful for such terrific friends. And to AnnsRants for calling me and all the tweets asking me if I had died yet. Touching.

After I got so many comments of concern I thought I needed to clarify a few things.

When the bill comes and I post the amount, then you can pity me. Because I'm a comedian first and a human being last, I was worried my post wasn't funny enough.

This all was actually a blessing. Because I didn't break my caps, my nose or any of my bones. PLUS, I've been worrying about my brain for 2 years. And not for the obvious reason, that I over think everything and the falls might have triggered a later episode that made me forget to obsess. THE HORROR!

I had fallen on pavement twice before and then once in my carpeted living room. The first one was when a car hit me while I was walking, the second was 5 months after last year's surgery when I forgot to notice my thigh muscles had ceased to exist because I hadn't walked in 5 months and the third one was when I tripped over a garden hose and AGAIN WASN'T WEARING UNDERWEAR and the building gardeners saw my dress shoot over my face, thus exposing the pooch. I'm just glad they didn't speak English because I'm sure they muttered in Japanese, "THE HORROR!"

So I've been concerned for two years and really need to stop watching so much House.

When I fell on Sunday I thought I was headed for surgery. And not the good kind where they make your boobs so huge you can use them as flotation device.

Since the cat scan showed zero trauma, it was a relief. Now I could save the 417 minutes that I worried about it and get down to the business of worrying about important things, like when I'm going to be able to wear stilettos again.

And why my mother was so nice to me after I got out of the hospital. What does she want?

End of chat.


  1. Ummm...do we need to start an underwear campaign (sending you panties) so all your bloggy friends are sure you have panties on at all times so these 'accidents' stop happening?

  2. Your post was funny. Not wearing underwear, that's not funny.

    Bwah-ah-ah-ah, yes it is funny. I do it all the time and I think it's funny.

  3. Okay, I'll send you some panties.

    They might be a bit BIG for you, but they're clean.

  4. and can I just say that TREE MAN picture creeps me out. AND makes me nauseous.

  5. Oh God No! Not Tree Man!
    That shit cannot be real.

    BTW, underwear is for the unliberated. Go free or go home. But stay outta da hospital!

  6. I just really don't want to have to go to the ER at my hospital. I would hate it if people I worked with saw my underwear or my chubby belly!
    I hope you are feeling better.

  7. Holy fuck, Suzy!! You need to get your scooter back!

    What amazes me is that I was both concerned and laughing my ass off because of your story telling genius!

    Maybe those firemen can send you a helper.

  8. Walking is obviously not working for you. I think you need to get George Clooney to just carry you around.

  9. So are your lips so big you trip over them? Maybe if you wear panties you will stop tripping.

  10. Jenn is on to something there...

    And I'm still annoyed at those (gorgeous, hunky) firemen for calling your joke "an attempt" at humor. If you had been a guy? They would have laughed. Women aren't supposed to be funny around men.

  11. I'm on board with the underwear campaign...Suzy make those firemen work to see the goods no more free shows! Hope you healing up!

  12. New to your blog...I feel guilty for laughing under the circumstances. I've found humor is a great tool during stressful times...apparently you have too!

  13. But being without underwear is nice and good for you. And besides, you don't fall over THAT often (don't agree with this, then you will start falling over more often, jinx) so I'm sure it's worth it! And from what I've seen of japanese tv-shows, your pooch is NOTHING compared what they're used to.

  14. Never been able to go commando myself, just feels uncomfortable... but if you want to go without underwear, more power to you. I just think you need to find out why you're falling down so much... unless it IS to get attention! ;-)))))

  15. I am so screwed. I never wear underwear. I also never wear dresses so don't have to worry about that happening.

  16. Anonymous11:04 AM

    Martha Jane is my porn name.
    Aloha, MJ

  17. -->Maybe you can order new underwear that says, "Where Hot Comes to Die"?

    (Amusing myself...)

    I hope you're feeling better and both eyes are open.


  18. Glad to hear you're OK, and remember to look on the bright side. How often do comedians get to say "there was zero trauma!"

  19. I'm glad to hear that you're going to live. That is good news, you know? I didn't see your post about the accident until, well 5 minutes ago or I'd have posted my well wishes earlier.

    Get better and unscarredity lookin' soon babe.

    I have a lovely 4 inch scar that runs from my eyebrow and up into my hairline. I can no longer raise the eyebrow on that side of my face, and I still can't feel part of my head/scalp area.

    It's okay though, who really NEEDS to feel the top of their head, and I could only do the one eyebrow raise with the other eyebrow anyway.

    Silver linings my friend ... silver linings!

    Get better!