Tuesday, December 15, 2009

How You Can Tell Who Hates You At Christmas

This is a picture of one of my ex-friends. It's from 1991 and was taken with a Polaroid camera and no I don't think it's snowing just on her sweater.

That year I had visited her while she was making gingerbread houses. They were beautiful and complicated and I admired her craftsmanship and skill. She too was a comic and made these every year, passed them out to producers, agents and bookers. At the time I was handing out - what do you call it - oh yeah, nothing. I don't think those houses ever helped her because she wasn't that funny and didn't work very much. Know your audience, people.

There was one that sat apart from the others. She called it her practice house. It looked good to me but she said it had lots of mistakes on it. Upon closer inspection I saw all the 'mistakes' and it was definitely the slum lord property of her Candyland.

What did she do with the practice house?

I have one of those memories that although not eidetic, is just as useful. I remember others' throwaway lines and have surprised many by remembering them from when I was fifteen. Although at the time I said I was nine because I was already in show business and lying about my age.

She said she saved the practice house for someone she didn't like that much.

I think we all know where this is going.

That's right, she showed up at my house with a big smile on her face.

End of chat.


  1. Anonymous3:38 AM

    i hope it fell out of your hands when she handed it to you :)

  2. what a bitch hog. I hope you accidentally dropped it on her foot.

    Great post title, and probably some of the truest words ever spoken. I always love to see the childish lengths my mother in law will go to to be ugly and passive aggressive on Christmas. It's the only time in her life she's ever creative.

    *whew* thanks for letting me get that out.

  3. I can't believe you and Goddess are talking about g-houses. I've ben working on my column for four days and it's about GINGERBREAD HOUSES.

    We're all connected, aren't we???

    Oh, and here's a gingerbread house for you.

  4. I would re-gift it...to her!

  5. That is fucked up. Great joke though. Maybe she was funny.

  6. Suzy, wow, are you sure that wasn't my sister?
    I swear she sends me a fruit cake every year from a collection of ones that she bought in 1969.

  7. -->My best friend gives her evil step-monster chocolate every Christmas and then OOPS remembers she's allergic.

  8. Anonymous10:26 AM

    That's one of the things that's great about Hawaii. Leis. You can give them for birthdays, Christmas, whatever. You wear them one day (two if you get it back into the fridge in time). And then they're gone. You get the beauty and the fragrence for 24 hours, and then bam! Into the wastebasket and on with your life.

  9. The perfect ex-friend. You are always so lucky, but you knew that. Except for your recent fall of course.

  10. Is that why she is an ex friend?

    Oh and with us we sent the SAME fruitcake around the cicle for almost 30 years then one of the girls husband ate it! HE ATE A 30 YEAR OLD FRUITCAKE! Men! You can't shoot them and you can't shoot them. (I don't look good in orange ;)

  11. You're right..she isn't funny...that was a dumb joke!!

  12. I'm handing out nothing. Again.

  13. I'm trying to imagine a world where comedians/ennes get themselves further in the biz by giving out lame gingerbread houses....

    Nope. Can't do it.

    Whatta maroon!!

  14. I'm thinkin the gingerbread tour wasn't all about gingerbread houses, nor comedy! Is that a sweatshirt mini she is wearing?

  15. I like it that you kept a Polaroid. Well played.

  16. and she found you, how? :P lol

  17. Oh snap . . . let me guess, you didn't have the heart to remodel it and give it back right?

  18. I never know what to do with those things. Are you supposed to eat them, or save them from one year to the next?

    I think it's best if you just give it to someone else and pretend you made it. That's my advice. :)

  19. That's awesome. She sounds like a really neat gal!

    I, too, wish you would have dropped it when she handed it to you!

  20. Anonymous7:00 AM

    Have a few ex-friends myself. They come out of the woodwork on Facebook.. ugh.

    The Blue Ridge Gal

  21. Sounds like a great ex-friend. I have a few of those! Kori xoxo

  22. It CAN'T help that she doesn't remember who she said what to. (Terrible sentence, but you get my drift.)

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