Sunday, December 27, 2009

Christmas With A Crank

I've been so exhausted. I thought it was allergies but now I'm convinced someone from the McDonald's drive-thu replaced my blood with ketchup. I have four alert hours each day and then I want to curl up in the sink and sleep.

If only someone would do the dishes. And by someone I mean not me.

So on Christmas Day I was supposed to pick up Izzy's famous homemade Christmas dinner in Santa Monica and then drive it over to my sister's, about 5 minutes away.

I got in my car and realized I needed gas. Fuck.

I said Fuck on Christmas Day. You know, like I do every day. I drove to the gas station 2 blocks from my house and ran into my friend Kenny and his dog Sandy Blue. Kenny's the guy who told me he remembered me when I had a flat stomach.

Boy, you really can't unhear that.

He cleaned my windshield as I propped myself up against the gas pump and prayed for an oxygen IV. Then a drunk approached.

"Been drinking a little, Pat?" I asked.
"How did you know my name?"
"It's written on the cooler holding your beer."

Then a guy with an 110 pound RottyPit came by. His name was Claus. His dog's name was Snoop because Claus used to work for Snoop Dogg. Claus said he was a celebrity broker. I'd never heard of a celebrity broker so I asked him what that meant.
"Just Google 'Claus Britney Spears' and you can read all about it."

I drove 2 blocks before I thought, why go to Santa Monica? The party is RIGHT HERE in the Hollywood Hills with Pat the Drunk, Kenny the Sax Player, Claus the Celebrity Broker and Suzy the Sink Sleeper.

When I got to Lindy's I Googled Claus:

Feb 7 2008 3:14 PM EST
Britney Spears' Friend Denies Requesting Money For Rolling Stone Interview

'They contacted me with the offer,' Danish businessman Claus xxxxxxx insists...

Claus was a friend of Britney's. He allegedly requested 2 million for an interview with her. Rolling Stone denied offering it.

I COULD TOTALLY DO HIS JOB because apparently it does not require leaving the house.

Sidebar: How funny do those dogs look?

After dinner my sister and I watched screeners of It's Complicated and Up in the Air, both very average movies so I'm not sure what the hype is all about. We then watched 10 minutes each of Creation, Star Trek, and Coraline. Boring, Who Cares, and Who Cares, Jr.

By the end of the evening Lindy was explaining to me what a vaginaplasty was. So all in all? A typical Christmas.

End of chat.


  1. Bummer about Up In The Air. I was looking forward to it. Any suggestions instead?

  2. You cannot use a word like vaginaplasty and then not tell us what it means.

    I really don't want to have to google that.

  3. I want to go to your sister's on Christmas.

    I have been doing so many crunches, and my stomach still isn't flat.

    Wasn't Coraline supposed to be kind of good?

  4. I thought It's Complicated was pretty funny--then again I seem to have become the target demographic when I wasn't looking.

  5. Anonymous12:37 AM

    I am on the need to know more about vaginaplasty bandwagon...

  6. I'm having that procedure tonight. At least that's what I THINK Tightwad called it.


  7. I read your post title and thought it said "Christmas with crack" and I thought "Finally!"

    On to the New Year celebration! I will be having Chinese food.

  8. Oh, just started my day with vaginaplasty. I don't even know what that is, although it sounds uncomfortable, like something one would want an ice pack for...

    I'd like to go crawl back into bed and pretend I never read this, but I was a damn fool and let someone manipulate me into watching her kid because she didn't arrange childcare for his vacation time and said she'd just leave him home alone...for a double shift...and I'm apparently a softy.

    A tired, resentful, irritated softie. Feh.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who wonders if it's reasonable to tie an ill-mannered, high-maintenance kid to a tree if she leaves him a bowl of Cheerios and some water within reach...)

  9. You know the most fascinating people.

    also and too what is it with stars and their plastic surgery, I mean I hardly recognize actresses my age anymore. Look at Sharon Stone, she doesn't look anything like she used to and now you tell me I won't be able to recognize her cooter anymore ie Basic Instinct. What is this world coming to?

  10. Forgot to mention that I'm too exhausted to even look at the dishes in the sink. Also, I don't want to talk to people at the petrol station. Even on Christmas.

  11. You have pretty awesome gas station experiences! Jealous! We don't get that fun stuff in Denver.

    Hope you had a great one!

  12. I was the Crank on Christmas. And I can top your f bomb on Christmas, last year I dropped one at the dinner table at my in-laws on Christmas Eve. We would get along so well!

    And why the hell did you get off Lexapro? I'm fixing to start b/c this wellbutrin shit ain't working!

  13. I swear to God, I saw Claus on a online dating site. I turned down a date. Maybe if I hadn't me and brit would be like "tight" you know?

  14. the crack comment made me laugh out loud.

    Just sayin'.

  15. I want to know how the subject of vaginaplasty came up! I thought both you and your sister were born with one.

  16. Anonymous4:42 PM

    Do you perhaps mean vagina-plaster, whereby the unit is closed up for good? (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

  17. the wee mutt female? why else is the bigger one interested...? ah, never mind, forgot it's la-la land :O lol

    btw - what do you want me to link my name to, your star? ;)

    i'm 5'16"... so you best have a BIG spoon! :P

  18. Love the gas station guys- I'm back to reading you girly- been a while, it's so fun catching up on your life! Uh, your face looks uh, awesome... you know, the curb face crash- NICE! oweeeyyyy

  19. Anonymous6:44 PM

    go see it's complicated. i loved it- they talked about that word...anyways i moved...again. and the shit is hitting the fan my dear.

  20. Nothing in your world is boring is it? You have more excitement at a local gas station that I do at the circus!

  21. Please tell me your sister is isn't going to have a vaginaplasty done!!!

    That picture is great! The big dog looks like he's about ready to pounce on his Christmas feast!

  22. I had my physical today and the doctor told me she is not happy with my sleep schedule. Me neither!
    The dogs are posed together perfectly.

  23. Great pic of those dogs! You lead a most interesting life Suzy!

  24. And by someone I mean not me.

    Man, that "someone" needs to start pulling their weight around here. If I have to get specific about who should be doing what, all hell will break loose. I wish my family would understand that my passive aggressive ways are meant to protect them.

  25. vaginaplasty? Please, I'll come over and do your dishes, do not fall for that.