Monday, November 30, 2009

Things That Will Guarantee You A Hospital Visit

1. Wearing no underwear.
2. Unshaven legs.
3. No shower since June.
4. Greasy hair.
5. No makeup.
6. No cell phone.

These are clues that, when assembled on a sunny afternoon in Hollywood, will garner you a spot in the Idiot's Hall of Fame.

A half block from my home I noticed a man going through some garbage looking for cans and when I was parallel to him, I looked closely and tripped over the hair on my legs.

I fell face forward. The force of my head hitting the concrete stunned me and I thought I was going to black out.

The Can Man tried to help me up but I just turned over on my back and said, "I'm okay, just let me lie here for a week."

Can Man said, "Should I call 911?" He had his cell phone and was surely wearing underwear because he did not want to go to the hospital that day.

"WHY?" I asked him. I was bleeding but couldn't feel it. I put my hand up to my face and it came away completely covered in blood.

The fire department is 4 blocks from my house and they came roaring down the street and careened around the corner in under 5 minutes, sirens blaring. I kept asking Can Man "Is it the firetruck? Are FIREMEN on their way? How do I look?" Even when I'm bleeding from the head, my vanity knows no bounds.

Four men got off the truck and stared down at me. One started to wipe away the blood and said, "I don't want to get it in your hair."

"I have Tom Petty's haircut. Blood will only improve it."

They patched me up and when they helped me stand one of them said "How do you feel? Are you dizzy? Can you see straight?"

"Well you girls look fabulous." Silence.

"Oh. An attempt at humor, that's a good sign."

An ATTEMPT? Fuckers.

I only went to the hospital because the firemen made me. They said I needed stitches. I was going to go home! The Drs. at the hospital said to always take the advice of firemen. They triage on the spot and have seen lots of injuries. And they're always cute.

At the hospital they ordered an x-ray, which I didn't know was a cat scan. I thought they would just put my head in a mammogram machine and squish my tremendous ego back into place.

I begged the radiology technician to give me the results. She said only a doctor could do that. But I know from past experience that if you scare the hell out of them, they'll tell you. So I wrapped my bloody hands around her neck and shook her violently. Please, I could barely raise my arms.

I got a tetanus shot and then the Dr. said, "These anesthesia shots are going to hurt. The first one will hurt a lot and the second one will hurt MORE and then you won't feel the 3rd or 4th one." God appeared to me during the second shot.

All the shots were around my eye, where there is no fat. If only I had fallen on my ass.

"Is this going to affect the scar from my eye job?"
I shut my mouth at that point because the look on her face said it all. She knew I only cared about what the new scar would look like juxtaposed next to the old one. I'll bet she sewed me a zigzag lightening bolt. Now I'll have to join a gang.

The things I do to entertain you people: "NO Elin, I did NOT sleep with Tiger. Put the golf club down."

And to the commenter who once said I look hot in every picture: I'm sorry I had to shatter your illusions.

Now I'm going to call my Mommy.

End of chat.


  1. Whoa, that looks, and I'm searching for the right word here . . . sore.

    Can you get sympathy on prescription?

  2. Holy cats, woman. The things you do for us indeed. What were the shots in the face for? I hate to laugh while you're in pain but your lines to the firemen about your haircut and that they looked fabulous make me roll!!

    And based on your criteria, I should be at the hospital any minute.

  3. Oh, and nice hat.

  4. I'm so sorry!! I wish you a speedy recovery. Please take care!

  5. Anonymous11:28 AM

    Oh hon!!! Bless your heart. This so sounds like something I would do. I once got my ass kicked by a rogue stop sign whilst trying to get on that big healthy bandwagon - ended up looking a lot like you now plus a busted ankle. I have never tried that healthy shit since. Here's to a speedy recovery, darlin!

  6. Anonymous11:36 AM

    I believe that shade of eyeshadow is "in" this year. Seriously, though, all wishes for a speedy recovery.

  7. Christ, we left you alone for a minute, and look what happened to you. Do not leave your apartment. And put on some underwear.

    P.S. I have a lightning bolt scar. I never got it fixed because I think it adds to my street cred. I fought Voldemort and won.

  8. Wow, Suzy, you sure have the getting attention and attacting cute firemen thing down pat! I winced when I read of your multiple shots, but I'll bet you felt just fine once they kicked in.

    I had to smile at Goddesses comment because I think she may be a little late in advising you to take care. ;-)

  9. Anonymous12:24 PM

    holy mother of joseph! OUCH! look on the bright side now you have an excuse to go see a plastic surgeon after this...again. :)

    and the one time firemen came to my house, i was wearing old ladybug underwear and my zipper was wide open.

    very classy.

  10. Firemen! Sigh...

    Oh, wait - was there more to the story?

  11. Holy crap Suzy. I'm so sorry. That really bites. Shave your legs please. When it's a safety hazard, it's time to buy a new razor.

    Two words: Medicinal Marijuana. Go get some.

  12. Holey Shitoley! you been taking lessons from me?

  13. Yikes. Who needs underwear anyway?

  14. Holy Shit Suzy!! Ouch...I'm so sorry! I hope they sent you home with some good pain management!

  15. You poor thing! Take some pain meds and get straight to bed.

  16. OMG Suzy! You poor thing! I hope you feel better soon and thank you for entertaining us with your pain! So sorry your eye looks like that's to a speedy recovery. Kori xoxo

  17. jesus, some people will do anything for a little attention.

  18. and NO, I did NOT push you. It was just a love tap.

  19. and you MIGHT want to invest in a new hat.

    I'm just sayin'.

  20. Oh, honey. You have all my sympathies, plus one free margarita, should the day come...

    But you still look great. I'd bet on it.


  21. heh, Do it again!

    Boss O xxxx

  22. Yowser! I hope you have some vics for when those shots wear off.

    I would think there are better ways to pick up firefighters. I'm just sayin'.

    Wishing you a speedy recovery.

  23. Well I was laughing until I got to the picture. Damn.

    That's the thing about cute firefighters--you're rarely looking your best when you meet them.

    I hope you heal quickly--and I haven't tried it, but I've heard Arnica really helps with bruising.

  24. I thought I had it bad busting out with pulpy knees after I tripped on the dog a couple weeks ago. Hope you're feeling better soon...and that the pushy little firemen come back to make up.

  25. Oh, Mizz Suzy...I didn't need the laugh that badly, really.

    You have to watch out for those gravity wells - they're constantly getting under the Evil Genius's feet and tripping him up.

    Meanwhile, arnica does wonders for bruising - ointment where the skin is not broken, pellets taken orally (because where else would you put them? Never mind - forget I asked...) for any bruising.

    I hope you heal quickly and without scarring...

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  26. Poor Suzy!
    I wish I could be there to be your personal nurse.
    Oh, that didn't sound right. You know what I mean!

  27. I'm not gonna lie to you, that is nasty.

    Feel better.

  28. OMG! Suze, what on earth? Just to make you feel better, I once fell down a whole flight of stairs, then smashed my right eye (really hard)on the corner of a glass coffee table (don't ask, OK), anyway, I thought I would be disfigured for life, it was not healing AT ALL! until someone told me put ice on it, stupid me, i was foolishly putting heat on it!!!!!so it kept getting bigger and redder!
    Eventually it all healed without any medical intervention (besides alcohol) and we still have a good laugh about it!

  29. I hope you feel better. And it WAS TOTALLY you who slept with Tiger ;)

  30. Bless your heart! Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

  31. Daaaaayyyyuuuum. You got knocked the fuck out.
    No.. No one. No one remembers that movie. Screw you guys I am going home.
    Wow, that is a shiner. Good luck on healing that one.

  32. Oh. Ouch! and no I didn't laugh at Vodka Mom's suggestion. Really, I didn't.

    But shit - ouch!

  33. are you still whining?

  34. OMG!! I was laughing too till I got to the picture! Hope its a bit better now!!
    'Attempt at humor'.....hahahhahah!!!!

  35. ouch!

    Big sunglasses are still in, right?

  36. Omg! That looks like a terrible fall over the hair on your legs. Da-em.
    I wish you luck in the recovery!

  37. Your leg hair must have been shockingly bad, eh? That's some shiner, girl. Scar over scar? Oh, man!! I hope your meds are written in braille.

    Feel better soon.

  38. Girl, that is one heck of a black eye. Glad you're okay and I hope you heal quickly.


  39. Holy shit Suzy.....I disappear a day or three and get THIS??
    I'm callin' you.

  40. I had a black eye earlier this year. Welocome to the world of weird and eary sorrful stares by strangers. You being a comedienne will have a great time consoling those who think the absolute worst. I had a great time creating fake conversations on my cellphone in public places, talking to the the supposed, "giver" of the sock eye. Ohh and if your traveling......airports are the best!!! I bet you will get some of your best writing done. Here is the best I could do while I had mine,
    Well maybe not my best..looking forward to reading yours!

  41. oh my poor have all the fun...

  42. I hope that heals soon! Your blog cracks me up. Cheers!

  43. I thought I had the Painful Shot Prize all tied up when I got four of them when I cut my fingers. I had one in the end of each of my first two fingers - right under the fingernail! - plus one between the two fingers and one between my first finger and my thumb. But I will now pass that prize on to you!

  44. Sometimes I like to not read your blog for a while so that when I come back I have lots to read. So I come to read today and find this??!! WOW! I know it's rude to laugh at someone's misfortune but really it's your fault because you made it so damned funny. (I'm not laughing at, I'm laughing with). I'm glad you are OK. Sucks about the healthcare. And for crying out loud woman, wear your underpants!

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