She Might Be In Witness Protection

This was not an easy photo to take. Pippi had two fingers in a light socket to get her hair just *so* and yet was able to take this picture at the same time. She's just that talented. Go see for yourself.

Welcome to my sidebar Pippi! Try not to steal anything.

How You Can Tell If A Dog Likes You

This is Boris the Bernese Mountain Dog. He weighs 120 pounds even though his owner says he weighs 80 pounds. Why lie about how much your dog weighs? It's not like Boris is in Weight Watcher's and hoping to eventually squeeze into a size 4.He loves my sister so much that when she runs into Boris and his owners, Boris breaks away and runs straight for Lindy, raises up on his hind legs and with his full 6 foot frame tries to knock her over. She thinks it's funny. I think it's a lawsuit.

If Boris likes you he'll walk up from behind and shove his snout in between your legs. He uses you like a cheap revolving door. If he were wearing a saddle I could see the advantage in this action but instead? I think it's a lawsuit.

Boris is as gentle as a lamb, although that's an expression no one can really verify as most of us did not grow up with a lamb and for all we know lambs are nasty, evil little biters. That nursery rhyme about Mary, "He followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day" should have been a tip off that he was trouble. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MARY THE LAMB IS LOOSE. I don't know why we hide the truth from kids. One day they're going to grow up and try to pet a lamb and probably die.

After I spent a few hours at my sister's, Boris stuck his snout in between my legs and tried to get through. It was the closest I'd been to sex in a while so I didn't really mind. I just hope he used protection.

My foot. His paw. My foot is the one on the left.

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

You know the day is starting out on dubious footage when you're on the phone with your bank at 5:39 a.m. I'm up early because very shortly the workmen will be arriving in the downstairs apartment. Did you know that you can't paint an apartment unless a boom box is on hand and turned up to Splitting Headache?

Due to blogging and Twitter I've now figured out why I did so poorly in school. I get bored very quickly. If I read one more tweet about what someone made for dinner, is having for lunch or is ordering at a restaurant I will hunt them down and put them out of my misery with a fork and serrated knife.

And blogging? Well I think we all know what I think about this unfortunate hobby. If I wanted to read your diary I would break into your house and steal it. I can't repeat enough that my respect for long term bloggers goes up every year. Because after almost four years there are just so many stories I can tell without taking a razor to my wrists so that I can hopefully blog about it later.

I should jot this down for year five: Make fun of people who attempt suicide.

So here's a thought. If you can't think of something to post? Then DON'T. I promise you it will not be missed. We ALL promise you it will not be missed. If this is your first year of blogging and you think you're fascinating? WAIT UNTIL YEAR 3 WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU'RE NOT.

I'm still obsessed with the Sandra Bullock story.

Did Bullock's friends see or hear things about Jesse and keep their mouths shut? I just hope they don't come to her now and say they didn't like him or trust him and only kept quiet because she seemed so happy. Because by not saying a thing, she ends up humiliated in front of the entire world. Is it better to risk a friend's ire and tell them what you think or better to wait until it's all over and be an "I KNEW it."

Sidebar: Iknewits not to be confused with the Inuits of North America.

After it was all over with The Impotentate friends swarmed me with their hatred for this man. I felt horrible because I still loved him. And we did get back together for a while but I steered clear of the friends who said they didn't like him. One of those people was my sister and yes, I stayed away from her.

One of the funniest tweets I've read recently came from Web Savvy Mom Deb Thaxton: I think the only one happy about Jesse James' affairs is Tiger Woods.

So to all the friends out there who are not telling the truth about what you think of someone's partner or to the friends who are protecting their friendships by keeping their mouths shut, I award you this.

Either way someone loses.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #55

Mailbag # 11

As with past mailbags these anonymous lines are pulled from the emails I get. Some of my friends need therapy. I, on the other hand, have already had 5 therapists and am completely cured. Only I don't remember from what.

-I stopped blogging altogether when I realized I had nothing else to say. Am now just working up the nerve to stab myself.

-You really are fucking with people, huh.

-I will be experiencing the incredible joy known as purchasing a new toilet. I am getting this environmental model for low-flow water. There are two buttons on the top. You press “1” for number one, and “2” for number two.

-To Anyone Who Apologizes for not posting enough. Don't apologize. Trust me, it's enough.

-Now we have to deal with the sick-fuck violent porn available 24/7. Forgive me, I've been watching Dexter.

-Should my Mom die, I will ask you in advance to restrain yourself from stealing the flowers off her grave.

-My family would get decent money if someone just shot me now.

-P.S. Should we ever be in a situation where I am zapped, breathing but unable to feed myself, please pull the plug.

-and...............who do we hate?

-I'm saving this email for my "when I feel like an asshole" file.

-So, aside from that, Jackie, did you like the parade?

- I keep having moments of nostalgia, then I hear Harmony, or Mister, or the fucking poodle across the street and I resume counting the minutes.

-I was snowed in on Wednesday, my BD, with the kids. Damn it. Yesterday I had no will to live. Today the sun was shining but I had to go to work. I am there now, having a blast. NOT.

-one of my friends at work suggested I let my hair go naturally gray and I almost vomited. When you hear me say that I’m letting my hair go gray/white/whatever, please notify the authorities as it means I require hospitalization.

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

As little as I believe in marriage, I was still shocked that Sandra Bullock's might be falling apart. But having been in relationships and worked around men my entire adult life I'm not really as shocked as I pretend. I think women are just incredibly naive about what makes men tick. To quote my friend Joy Behar, "Never marry them, they just take you for granted."

Everyone should walk away from a cheater. When you forgive a cheater you've basically said, "Here's the key to room 1703 at the Motel 6. Please don't get caught this time." And the cheater will oblige. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but they will eventually cheat again because something is wrong in the marriage. To err is human; to forgive is bullshit.

I've been cheated on before.

I've also cheated.

The one and only time I cheated was with The Doctor, a man who was sleeping with half of New York City, so I felt I was *owed.* When I told him I was going to Hong Kong with another man he got dressed in the middle of the night and said he couldn't look at me anymore, didn't want me to touch him and that he had to go home. To his wife.

In my defense, and his too sort of, he and his wife had an open marriage and I was in my 20's and he was rich and powerful and yes I had Daddy issues. I was a really bad Lifetime movie.

Here's a tip ladies, never withhold sex as a weapon. It doesn't work. I know too many men who just went out and got it elsewhere. I work in a male dominated field. I've seen the happiest of married men blithely cheat because they were out of town and some waitress was more than happy to oblige. And? Blow jobs aren't sex!

If I still smoked I would light up right about now.

Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, Uma Thurman, Reese Witherspoon, all these beautiful women have been cheated on and have walked away, at least I hope Bullock walks away. They are brave women. It takes courage to walk away. It also takes money. But mainly courage.

So to you Jesse James, you who let Sandra get up in front of millions and millions of people world wide and say she was finally happy and doing her best work ever because YOU HAD HER BACK, you my friend, are an asshole. And you're not my friend.

There's Dying And Then There's Dying

Sinbad was on The Bonnie Hunt Show recently. There was a rumor about him a while back that he had died. So Bonnie asked him how that got started and he replied: "Someone didn't like one of my comedy shows and went to Wikipedia and said I'd died."

And by 'comedy shows' he meant my blog.

So I was nervous for my viral mortality when I got this e-mail:

Sorry, after reading that post about being attacked by her dog and stabbed by a chicken she does seem a bit more humorous than you Suz. Perhaps falling on your face is not as funny as being stabbed by a dog.

I do like your around town photos.

So me falling on my face and looking like this and using it as my Linkedin profile pic...

...is not funnier than Jenny flipping people off?

Yeah okay, maybe she wins that. In other news I think my nose is growing.

I stole the above photo from Jenny the Bloggess's website and taken by Jenny herself. I'm a little disturbed that she is passing herself off as *injured* when she can drive, take a picture of her hand and FLIP OFF PASSERSBY. In my photo I could not see out of one eye and could not drive unless it was into a building. So I'm not funnier than her but for the love of God could I at least be the more grievously injured?

The guy in that email whose name I'm hiding because I'm afraid you'll all agree with him and then I'm going to have to move to earthquake-ravaged Chile where they know the real meaning of injuries and start a blog about being kicked out of the U.S. because I'm unable to determine what is or is not a funny injury said he likes my around town photos.

Like this one, a can of Campbell's Chunky Fully Loaded Rigatoni and Meatballs soup someone left on a ledge in a parking lot. If you can figure out where the comma goes in the above paragraph then you should definitely play the lottery today.

Translation of *I do like your around town photos?* STOP WRITING. Ok, fine. I'm not going to but fine.

For those of you who don't know how I got started in standup check out this interview with me. No one gets hurt though so you might be bored.

Also? It has been brought to my attention that I get more comments when the Bloggess is in my posts. She's only been in 2 posts besides this one which makes 3 and if this is someone's subtle way of telling me that I'm not that interesting without her, DULY FUCKING NOTED.

End of chat.

It Has Been Brought To My Attention That I'm Not As Funny As I Think I Am

After I posted this last Friday:

If you're not reading the Bloggess you're not reading the funniest person on the Internet. And since you know I think I'm the funniest person on the Internet you realize how hard it is for me to give out that title without a cash incentive.

I received this critique from my best friend, Anonymous:




Well color me chastened. I'm now down to third place?

Then I was further reduced in stature by this tweet from a Twitter follower:

I'm pretty sure I don't answer to *User Name Here* but I used to drink so maybe I did before I lost most of my cognitive skills in a Grey Goose mano à mano.

Then Jenn warned me:

Then Sanjeet, whose name means Plug My Website in Hindi, warned me again with this original comment:
Then coincidentally - or was it - I got this comment the next day:

So here's my report card for last Friday's post:

Ability to convey sarcasm to people with no name - F

Ability to convince readers of my expertise in tongue in cheek commentary - F

Overall job performance - I don't have one but if I did it would be - F

Fear of The Bloggess kicking my ass and overcharging for band aids - A+

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

This week I discovered that the brokerage house I did business with, Morgan Stanley, is really just a front for Legalized Assholes. My broker did not realize that "Close my account and send me the money" really meant Close My Account And Send Me The Money. It turns out they did not close it and left $232. in it so that one day I could make my dream purchase of a box of hair.

What was the most Charles DeGaulling was that they then deducted a penalty fine of $35 quarterly because the amount was too low. So how funny is this, if you have $232 in an account and you deduct $35 from it quarterly, you end up with $97. Believing I had already closed it a year ago March I never looked at the statements because I thought it only contained my retirement account. But they had slipped the closed account statement underneath the retirement statement. And oh yes, DID NOT CLOSE IT. How hilarious is THAT?

That guy who flew his plane into the IRS building? I get it. Had he announced this in advance I'm sure we all would have gotten a fleet or a pod or a pride of planes ready to do the same thing only not the bursting into flames and dying part. If the IRS is reading this then I'm only kidding and don't need to be audited because all I have is a box of hair. Unbraided.

I met with my accountant this week and mentioned that I had trashed Morgan Stanley on Twitter. I'm not sure she knew what Twitter was but after she gave me a bill for $422. she got up and went to see her "manager." Not hard to believe that accountants and car dealers work in the same way. She returned with the bill down to $100. I believe the original bill WAS $100 and they jacked it and then reduced it to make them look like givers. They are the Macy's Sale of Money.

Remember this incident?I left the following comment on Jenny the Bloggess's last post about how she stabbed herself with a chicken and talked her husband Victor out of calling an ambulance. If you're not reading the Bloggess you're not reading the funniest person on the Internet. And since you know I think I'm the funniest person on the Internet you realize how hard it is for me to give out that title without a cash incentive. I've tried hating her for being funnier than me but I couldn't and switched my hatred to people who don't understand English and coincidentally work at Morgan Stanley.

Basic Life Support Treatment with Transport: $712.00
Mileage of 3 miles: $47.25

This is the bill I got from the fire department after they told me not to worry as I lay bleeding on the corner of my street. They said there would be no bill. Apparently No Bill means Joke's On You in Firelandia. They put a band aid on the cut. A band aid is not basic Life Support although I may be wrong about that since I didn't go to Med School like firemen do. I'm pretending I never got the bill because I don't exist. They can't prove I do because NO PICTURES OF ME BLEEDING, suckers.

So in honor of the retards I've lost money to this week, here's this award, the fourth entry in the Bite Me Badge Contest I didn't know I was running, done by illustrator David McGrievey.David is a new reader and yet captured the real me and shut up I can hear you smirking.

End of chat.

L.A. Sign Of The Times #54

L.A. Sign Of The Times #53

My Twittery Take On The Oscars

If you read the post at BlogHer yesterday, then you already know who I predicted would win, my best and worst dressed and all the other bs I spew on a regular basis.

But if you're not following me on Twitter then you missed some of these pearls I spent hours live-tweeting. Twitter is so interactive you wonder if some of these people, or ppl, take speed typing courses inbetween live pop-culture events.

Twitterers are so fast, funny and annoying, (guess which category I fall into? SURPRISE!) that it's hard to keep up so I've left in all my spelling errors and poor grammar to show you the PRESSURE I WAS UNDER. Ok, not really, grammar is just not my thing and why are there "R's" in EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WORD ON THE PLANET?

Here's what you did, or didn't, miss:

***Gabourey Sidibe has to leave early to return her dress to ABC Carpets.

***Demi Moore Best Dressed

***Mo'Nique said she was as excited to do Showtime at the Apollo as to be nommed for an Oscar. ON WHAT PLANET?

***Sandy B. throwing gang signs on channel 7 cameras. Gotta love L.A.!!

***Why People Hate L.A.: Celebrities thowing gang signs at the Oscars.

***JLo is hiding Marc Anthony under the left side of her dress.

***I thought James Taylor was dead. Imagine my surprise.

***When black ppl win an Oscar the cameras only point out black ppl in the audience. Rude. THEY'RE STILL THERE WHEN WHITE PPL WIN.

***Are Cameron and SJP pregnant or do they think women look good wearing cub scout tents?

***Taylor Lautner is so ugly my TV turned itself off when he came on.

I'm Everywhere But Here

I'm guest posting today over at the lovely Vodkamom. You'll enjoy seeing a picture of me in the 5th grade and STOP LAUGHING.

Also, check out the always hilarious Deb on the Rocks article about the Oscars for BlogHer. Bossy and I and some other terrific bloggers I don't know try and make sense of the mess that is the Academy Awards. I CAN HEAR YOU AND I KNOW YOU'RE STILL LAUGHING AT MY HAIR.

Whatever.

To Jim From His Friend Suzy

I've been saying for years that I have the best readers in the world because you've sent me some amazing gifts in the past. And we all know that I'm just shallow enough to equate gifts with friendship.

But what I didn't know was how talented some of you are.

Last Friday I mentioned that it would be nice if I had a badge to award my Friday posts. I got three prototypes so there are tee-shirts going out to each of them, which then makes them eligible to spend a month on my sidebar with a link to their blogs or their facebook page or to Leo DiCaprio's house.

For every Friday I do one of my rants I will put up one of the badges. I love them all equally and have no favorites like YOU DID MOM so no need to choose sides in the comments because otherwise I will get no more free stuff.

Also? I am the perfect example of why people should not use fake names on the Internet. I already blew one link at the beginning of this month because I cannot keep people and their aliases straight. I call some of you Jim because I can't remember who you really are so Jim, if you're reading this, get with the program. Meanwhile, I'm now off to my accountant's where I file using two names, SUZY SORO and my real name GIANT HYPOCRITE.

Created by Spencer L. Casey
Created by Emily Szelestey.

Created by Deb Thaxton.

The Incredibly Uncool Me

According to a study in the Psychological Science journal, darkness, even from a pair of sunglasses, caused individuals to feel more anonymous in their decisions. Therefore, these individuals were more inclined to lie, cheat and partake in self-centered behaviors.

Welcome to Hollywood!

These days I'm lost to Twitter and have to apologize to Kimberley Schmahl, a reader from my early years of blogging. Of course she was on Twitter since 1967 and I said I would never EVER get on board that train. Through the magic nightmare that is Google I found this tweet she and a guy exchanged about me a few years ago.

GUY: Is Suzy Soro on Twitter?
KS: No, she's too cool for Twitter.
GUY: I'm afraid of her.

All conversations about me end with those 4 words.

Twitter has followers just like Blogging and the most aggravating part is that I have almost as many followers there as I have here. But in 4 and a half MONTHS instead of a year? two years? century? it took me to get them on my blog.

Bonus? You can get some wackos to follow you: One of Heidi's followers was trashing her plastic surgery and we all know HOW WRONG THAT IS so I jumped in to defend her (shut UP) and the next thing you know, Heidi started to follow me. Two days later Spencer started to follow me. Unlike other sane people, I'm following them back.

Another bonus? You can track your favorite comedians, singers, authors, artists and write them, hoping they'll fill the void that is your life by pretending that you know them. Conan O'Brien just joined and as much as I think he was a big baby for walking away from his job, his tweets are hilarious.

If anyone's curious what I look like with a beard, it's this ?:^(0) Coincidentally, that's also my ATM pin number.

This morning I watched Remington Steele while eating Sugar Smacks out of a salad bowl. I was naked.

Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.

And yes, I'm following him and no, he has no idea who I am. But if he did he would probably be afraid of me too.

End of chat.