Money Makes The World Go Round But Sex Makes It Stop At Your House

There are people who have more than 6 orgasms a day. That's like telling me there are people who do 6 sit-ups a day. CRAZY TALK.

I figured it can't be men because they'd be asleep after the first 2 and you'd have to wake them for the final 4. But if you wake them and mention the Final 4 they'll think you're talking about March Madness and then you're going to be stuck channel surfing until you find a basketball game. You've also stopped for snacks after the first 2 orgasms and with him asleep this just leaves more for you. Let's get real and let the man sleep.

I asked some of my girlfriends if they'd ever heard of anyone having more than 6 orgasms in one day.

"I've done that."
"Yeah, me too."
"That's kind of normal, isn't it?"
"Yeah, in prison. YOU PEOPLE HAVE HAD MORE THAN 6 ORGASMS IN ONE DAY?"
"Ohhhhhh, one day. I thought you said one week."
"Yeah, I thought you said one month."
"I thought you said one year."

I bet Costco has group discounts on hearing aids.

"63% of people have had sex in a public place."
"I've done that."
"Yeah, me too."
"That's kind of normal."
"Yeah, in prison. YOU PEOPLE HAVE ALL HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?"
"Ohhhhhh, I thought you said *got to first base*.
"Yeah, I thought you said *while he wears lace*.
"I thought you said *without using Mace*.
"Wait, your husband has sex while wearing lace?"
"Hey, I don't let him wear MY stuff, he has to buy his own."

"Did you know that 18% of women go commando?"
"I've done that."
"Yeah, me too."
"That's kind of normal."
'WHICH ONE OF YOU AT THIS TABLE IS NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR?"
"Not me; I wear bikinis."
"Not me; I wear thongs."
"What's with all the statistics? You hate math."
"Quoting statistics doesn't mean I hate math."
"So you like math?"
"No, I hate it alright. Who remembers when Lindsay Lohan went all mental because that e-trade commercial referred to Lindsay the Milkoholic and she was going to sue them?"
"Yeah I remember. Why, did she have 6 orgasms a day in Central Park while going commando?"
"Ha ha and shut up."
"What percentage of people listen to you when you ask them to shut up?"

Is the Friends Store open today? I've got some shopping to do.

"Is this Miley Cyrus and if it is, is she going to be as delusional as Lindsay?" I said, pulling up a site on my friend's iphone.
"It really looks like her."
"Maybe I'll buy that for my husband, let someone else take a shift."

If you buy anything from Eden Fantasys, you'll definitely improve your sex life, although your FICO score may plummet if you get carried away BUT you also get a magazine with this noted sex magnet on the cover. So win win.

photo by Karen Walrond


**I was compensated for this review but I used the money to buy some things from their website. Wouldn't you love to know what they were? The red tantra feather teaser is one of them. Let's call it the tamer of the two!

The 8th Day Of Christmas

One of the first year readers of my blog, Anne, sent this in for the 12 Pets of Christmas Contest in 2007. Anne no longer blogs and I have no idea what happened to her but wherever she is, I'm betting she's scaring kids half to death.

The Bloggess isn't the only one who likes stuffed whateverthisis.

While you're visiting Jenny, read about the Christmas miracle she pulled off for families on the blogosphere. A M A Z I N G.

Also? This picture did not win the contest.

I Thought These Things Only Happened To The Bloggess

This happens to The Bloggess all the time. (It's below the hot pictures of her in a strapless black dress and a stuffed squirrel. She's not in the stuffed squirrel, there just IS a stuffed squirrel.)

Anyway, I had the phrase you see below on my brain all day yesterday. So I Googled it. (If I need a glass of tap water I Google it.)

I've never used parentheses twice in my life. I might be coming down with something.

Google fixed the word *jackoff*, which is very 1984. The book, not the year. If you were born after 1980 I pray you didn't go to a douchey high school where they skipped Orwell. And no it's not Orwell Redenbacher.

So then I Googled *Jack off all trades* because THAT HAD TO BE WRONG.

The verb usage was particularly disturbing. I'm never dating a man with a tool again. Although I will probably date more tools.

This Entry got 47 UPS and 37 DOWNS.

The English language has left the building.

Inspi(red) By The Bloggess And Her Red Dress

As long as this Christmas decoration I turned into a lamp fixture doesn't touch the lightbulb inside and set my bedroom on fire I won't have to buy renter's insurance.

This is a picture of me burning in hell. Stop applauding.

Nothing screams *unemployed* more than a person who paints their toes red, wears red pajamas, stands on a red rug and then takes a picture of it:

When I had my ankle surgery I had a red scooter and a red cast. And a full psych evaluation:

After reading Jenny's post on her red dress and leaving a comment about my favorite pants, red leather snakeskins, I decided to try them on today. Does leather shrink in the dryer I didn't put them in?

Forget the pants. I have a red leather skirt. Hmmmmmm. Oh I know what's going on here. WRONG SHOES:

Red shoes totally change the... oh fuck it:

I have some red tees that I know fit. If you're a whore:

Finally, something red that fits me perfectly:

All in all this was a very depressing post.

But if I can post pictures of myself wearing clothes I appear to be hoarding then you know that you can do anything in life if you believe in you.

And the power of antidepressants.

There's Dying And Then There's Dying

Sinbad was on The Bonnie Hunt Show recently. There was a rumor about him a while back that he had died. So Bonnie asked him how that got started and he replied: "Someone didn't like one of my comedy shows and went to Wikipedia and said I'd died."

And by 'comedy shows' he meant my blog.

So I was nervous for my viral mortality when I got this e-mail:

Sorry, after reading that post about being attacked by her dog and stabbed by a chicken she does seem a bit more humorous than you Suz. Perhaps falling on your face is not as funny as being stabbed by a dog.

I do like your around town photos.

So me falling on my face and looking like this and using it as my Linkedin profile pic...

...is not funnier than Jenny flipping people off?

Yeah okay, maybe she wins that. In other news I think my nose is growing.

I stole the above photo from Jenny the Bloggess's website and taken by Jenny herself. I'm a little disturbed that she is passing herself off as *injured* when she can drive, take a picture of her hand and FLIP OFF PASSERSBY. In my photo I could not see out of one eye and could not drive unless it was into a building. So I'm not funnier than her but for the love of God could I at least be the more grievously injured?

The guy in that email whose name I'm hiding because I'm afraid you'll all agree with him and then I'm going to have to move to earthquake-ravaged Chile where they know the real meaning of injuries and start a blog about being kicked out of the U.S. because I'm unable to determine what is or is not a funny injury said he likes my around town photos.

Like this one, a can of Campbell's Chunky Fully Loaded Rigatoni and Meatballs soup someone left on a ledge in a parking lot. If you can figure out where the comma goes in the above paragraph then you should definitely play the lottery today.

Translation of *I do like your around town photos?* STOP WRITING. Ok, fine. I'm not going to but fine.

For those of you who don't know how I got started in standup check out this interview with me. No one gets hurt though so you might be bored.

Also? It has been brought to my attention that I get more comments when the Bloggess is in my posts. She's only been in 2 posts besides this one which makes 3 and if this is someone's subtle way of telling me that I'm not that interesting without her, DULY FUCKING NOTED.

End of chat.

It Has Been Brought To My Attention That I'm Not As Funny As I Think I Am

After I posted this last Friday:

If you're not reading the Bloggess you're not reading the funniest person on the Internet. And since you know I think I'm the funniest person on the Internet you realize how hard it is for me to give out that title without a cash incentive.

I received this critique from my best friend, Anonymous:




Well color me chastened. I'm now down to third place?

Then I was further reduced in stature by this tweet from a Twitter follower:

I'm pretty sure I don't answer to *User Name Here* but I used to drink so maybe I did before I lost most of my cognitive skills in a Grey Goose mano à mano.

Then Jenn warned me:

Then Sanjeet, whose name means Plug My Website in Hindi, warned me again with this original comment:
Then coincidentally - or was it - I got this comment the next day:

So here's my report card for last Friday's post:

Ability to convey sarcasm to people with no name - F

Ability to convince readers of my expertise in tongue in cheek commentary - F

Overall job performance - I don't have one but if I did it would be - F

Fear of The Bloggess kicking my ass and overcharging for band aids - A+

It's Everybody Can Bite Me Friday!

This week I discovered that the brokerage house I did business with, Morgan Stanley, is really just a front for Legalized Assholes. My broker did not realize that "Close my account and send me the money" really meant Close My Account And Send Me The Money. It turns out they did not close it and left $232. in it so that one day I could make my dream purchase of a box of hair.

What was the most Charles DeGaulling was that they then deducted a penalty fine of $35 quarterly because the amount was too low. So how funny is this, if you have $232 in an account and you deduct $35 from it quarterly, you end up with $97. Believing I had already closed it a year ago March I never looked at the statements because I thought it only contained my retirement account. But they had slipped the closed account statement underneath the retirement statement. And oh yes, DID NOT CLOSE IT. How hilarious is THAT?

That guy who flew his plane into the IRS building? I get it. Had he announced this in advance I'm sure we all would have gotten a fleet or a pod or a pride of planes ready to do the same thing only not the bursting into flames and dying part. If the IRS is reading this then I'm only kidding and don't need to be audited because all I have is a box of hair. Unbraided.

I met with my accountant this week and mentioned that I had trashed Morgan Stanley on Twitter. I'm not sure she knew what Twitter was but after she gave me a bill for $422. she got up and went to see her "manager." Not hard to believe that accountants and car dealers work in the same way. She returned with the bill down to $100. I believe the original bill WAS $100 and they jacked it and then reduced it to make them look like givers. They are the Macy's Sale of Money.

Remember this incident?I left the following comment on Jenny the Bloggess's last post about how she stabbed herself with a chicken and talked her husband Victor out of calling an ambulance. If you're not reading the Bloggess you're not reading the funniest person on the Internet. And since you know I think I'm the funniest person on the Internet you realize how hard it is for me to give out that title without a cash incentive. I've tried hating her for being funnier than me but I couldn't and switched my hatred to people who don't understand English and coincidentally work at Morgan Stanley.

Basic Life Support Treatment with Transport: $712.00
Mileage of 3 miles: $47.25

This is the bill I got from the fire department after they told me not to worry as I lay bleeding on the corner of my street. They said there would be no bill. Apparently No Bill means Joke's On You in Firelandia. They put a band aid on the cut. A band aid is not basic Life Support although I may be wrong about that since I didn't go to Med School like firemen do. I'm pretending I never got the bill because I don't exist. They can't prove I do because NO PICTURES OF ME BLEEDING, suckers.

So in honor of the retards I've lost money to this week, here's this award, the fourth entry in the Bite Me Badge Contest I didn't know I was running, done by illustrator David McGrievey.David is a new reader and yet captured the real me and shut up I can hear you smirking.

End of chat.