The Cool Cars Of Santa Monica, California

Santa Monica: It's all about the designer sunglasses you wear, the private schools your kids go to and how tight your jeans are. And if you don't have the black Birkin bag? Tragedy! But this is the land of the upper middle class, the rich and the very wealthy.They have stuff. LOTS of expensive stuff. Including cars.

Over Super Bowl weekend I saw these beauties standing silent on the street, waiting for instructions.


A truck from the 60's? The inside is black leather and when's the last time you saw white walls? I have no idea what that silver tank-like item is that hugs the back window. I hope it's not a nuclear bomb. I've often loitered beside the truck, hoping the owner would come out and tell me to stop breathing on it, but alas, no such luck.

I'd be scared of these people if I didn't seriously think they owned the Hello Kitty franchise.

The license plate reads MPATHY. Something no one has for a person who drives a Mercedes for the love of God. I only noticed this car because it's the same color as my 1998 Ford Contour. I was so ahead of the color curve. And way behind the Mercedes curve.

This car is sitting on Adelaide, long considered one of the wealthiest streets in all of Santa Monica. It's around the corner from my sister's building, on a one way street that is mostly used by runners, dog walkers and the people who live there. It's peaceful, quiet and has spectacular views. The houses are all architecturally different, old but fabulous and overlooking the Pacific Ocean. But how this station wagon got here tells me someone is either A. Very old   B. Very, very old.  C. Visiting from 1982.

Some of the homes on Adelaide:

The house below was so big I couldn't get it into one shot.

You can see my sister Lindy's building off to the right below.

 When the recession was in full swing, about two years ago, a family on Adelaide lost their home. They moved into a van and parked on isolated streets at night. It was the talk of the neighborhood because, ON ADELAIDE??

These are all Old Money homes. There are grander, newer homes in Brentwood or Beverly Hills but it's all Nouveau Money and you know how much we hate Nouveau Money. Although I could use some Nouveau Money right about now. Don't hate me, have MPATHY for my bank account.

How You Can Tell If A Dog Likes You

This is Boris the Bernese Mountain Dog. He weighs 120 pounds even though his owner says he weighs 80 pounds. Why lie about how much your dog weighs? It's not like Boris is in Weight Watcher's and hoping to eventually squeeze into a size 4.He loves my sister so much that when she runs into Boris and his owners, Boris breaks away and runs straight for Lindy, raises up on his hind legs and with his full 6 foot frame tries to knock her over. She thinks it's funny. I think it's a lawsuit.

If Boris likes you he'll walk up from behind and shove his snout in between your legs. He uses you like a cheap revolving door. If he were wearing a saddle I could see the advantage in this action but instead? I think it's a lawsuit.

Boris is as gentle as a lamb, although that's an expression no one can really verify as most of us did not grow up with a lamb and for all we know lambs are nasty, evil little biters. That nursery rhyme about Mary, "He followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day" should have been a tip off that he was trouble. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MARY THE LAMB IS LOOSE. I don't know why we hide the truth from kids. One day they're going to grow up and try to pet a lamb and probably die.

After I spent a few hours at my sister's, Boris stuck his snout in between my legs and tried to get through. It was the closest I'd been to sex in a while so I didn't really mind. I just hope he used protection.

My foot. His paw. My foot is the one on the left.

The Vaginaplasty - Explained

On December 25th I picked up Christmas dinner at Izzy's on 15th and Wilshire and took Wilshire all the way down to the coast. I turned right onto Ocean Avenue and got my first glimpse of the Pacific. As many times as I see it break in front of me, I'm always astounded by the beauty of this part of California. I coasted to a red light next to the California Incline, which veered off to my left.

It's the ramp that those people below are waiting to cross. The ramp that slopes down onto the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH), that glorious hunk of asphalt that hugs the California coastline for miles and miles and offers you a taste of what The Beach Boys sang about back in the 1960's. It's not a road you navigate drunk as it zigzags more than lightening.Sidebar: When my sister Lindy was dating Johnny Carson, he lived on the ocean in Malibu. You had to wait for oncoming traffic to subside on PCH before turning left into his place. Then it would take about 15 minutes to back out of his driveway. Nobody stops to let you in or out on PCH unless you toss a hooker onto the middle of the road.

So on Christmas Day Lindy and I were talking about sex, because we're those sisters who always ask each other about the other one's sex life. It can be a dicey conversation as I learned the day many years ago when she told me about her motorcycle riding boyfriend and the time they stopped for gas so she could go to the bathroom. The boyfriend followed her into a stall and she gave him a blow job.

As disgusted as I was at the thought of anyone having any kind of sex in a gas station bathroom, I knew Lindy had never peed on a public toilet seat in her life because she always sat on her hands. So I had to give her props for the "Look ma no hands blow job." There are no classes for that you know.

Anyway, we finished watching It's Complicated and Lindy casually mentioned The Vaginaplasty. I asked her what it was and she said she heard about it on Dr. Oz.

DR. PERVY OZ, Oprah's minion.

If you're having a lot of pain during sex, see a doctor. And they're not talking about a headache because gynecologists' offices would be filled around the clock.

It means that the vagina has shrunk and the walls have thinned and who wants candy?

Or a picture of the Pacific from Lindy's building?
The vaginaplasty stretches out the vagina and puts it back in working order. Working order? So it can go back to secretarial work?

If you're reading this and have crossed your legs and tightened your butt in the process then congratulations, you know why men do the same when hit in the groin by an overactive 3 year old on America's Funniest Home Videos.

The sad thing is that no woman will probably ever share this particular experience with you. No one will meet you for mojitos and explain that their vagina needed a tune-up.

End of chat.