Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Why My Dentist Is Contemplating Suicide

This is how I dress when I go to the dentist. The triage dentist at the clinic is a known perv. He was even let go for a year or two. He's one of those cretins who leers and then makes comments like "You sure do fill out those jeans nicely." Even though you're wearing a skirt at the time.

HOWEVER, he gives huge discounts so I wear tight clothes and take the half-off price and pretend he's fascinating.

So it's exactly like a first date.

Some of my teeth are bad and God forbid I die in some horrid way and they try and identify me through dental records. Some poor Medical Examiner is going to be telling a homicide detective that he's not completely sure, but he thinks the body on the table is a T-Rex. Maybe a baby giraffe.

Today Dr. Triage said a bridge of 4 lousy teeth was going to cost me $3600. I was sitting in the chair and a sign directly across from me said "Pancreatic cancer has been linked to gum disease." GREAT. How relaxing. Dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession. That's because their patients threaten to kill them and suicide is their only way out.

I'll be going to the U.C.L.A. dental school instead. They claim to be half as much as a regular dentist. I called Lindy, who has never had one thing wrong with her teeth which is so totally unfair and surely makes her adopted, and said wouldn't it be funny if I went to U.C.L.A. and their half price was the same as my dental clinic's?

"Not so much." She replied.


  1. It will cost you about $1000 to come to India. And a first class dentist here in Calcutta for that work? Around $450. My husband just had it done. First class.

    People actually come here for dental/medical tourism. You should try it.

  2. Anonymous5:50 PM

    I know it's in a less desirable neighborhood, but I went to both UCLA and USC and USC is the MUCH BETTER DENTAL school. Yes, you'll wait, but so also will you wait at UCLA and they are not the dentists you'll get at USC. Hello, UCLA is a state school. Call me, I was just starting to do standup in the late 70s and started going to USC as my dentist became a dean there. And, they love to give nitrous oxide.
    Aloha, MJ

  3. Hmmm, nitrous oxide does sound like a dealbreaker...

  4. Dang isn't that how much "the Bridge to Nowhere" was? Or maybe it was the bridge over the river Kwai.

    I have a niece in-law in dental school at USC. Don't go there

  5. I hope the Evil Genius got my teeth - one depression was so bad, lasted so long, I went seven years without brushing. Yep. Not one cavity.

    Yeah, I suck. Also, that was a long time ago and I brush regularly now. And I have a crown. Sigh.

    I hope you get your teeth fixed, Mizz Suzy - having bad ones is a pain (hah!).

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  6. Who cares what your teeth look like if you look like that in a skirt.

  7. Wow, I hope your teeth aren't as crooked as your legs are in that picture! LOL

    However, it would give a perv dentist incentive to forget to charge anything altogether.

    Better yet, bring up possible harrasment charges on his last comments and you might get the work done for free. . . . just saying...:)

    I'm going to India to see Braja and get my teeth done. . . that sounds lovely!

  8. You know, you could be very popular if you didn't have any teeth if you know what I'm sayin'. On the other hand, go floss.

  9. I used to have dental insurance and I said to my husband "go fix your teeth while I still have dental insurance" and he procrastinated until I lost the insurance and so we had to pay $12,000 for a whole bunch of junk they did to him because apparently I should have checked his mouth before I married him.

  10. What do you have to loose, I'd wear the skirt to USC never know those young college boys might give a better discount or do trade!

  11. I'd be really worried that he wouldn't pay attention to what he's supposed to be doing, i.e., the teeth, and made some horrible mistake. Just saying.

    I'm also going to India to have my teeth fixed; Sharon, maybe we can go together?

  12. Instead of rallying votes for the Blogger's Choice I think we better move to a dentistry fundraiser!!

  13. Anonymous1:48 PM

    You are funny! I hope that you have some luck at U.C.L.A. And your normal dentist is nasty, in a bad way!

  14. Before we all go rushing off to India, one of us should check with Braja and make sure they use anaesthetic there.

  15. i'd never confuse that ass with that of a t-rex... or giraffe :P lol

  16. Let me sum it up for you. UCLA is out. India is in. Me too.

  17. 2.5 already has a cavity down to the enamel.

    I see his future, and it ain't pretty.

    Baby Giraffe made me laugh.

  18. Too funny!

    Okay, so I totally hate the dentists. I mean, the one we go to now is great but do they seriously have to make sure we never miss an appointment? We never have an out with them! They are too good, like the people selling gym membership on that one friends episode, only dentistry! It's evil!

  19. I was the one with the terrible teeth and my sister had the great ones. Then she did crystal meth and that sure changed things.

    I've heard good things about the UCLA dental clinic and the Loma Linda one as well. Good luck--at least you'll be able to wear something comfy.

  20. Anonymous1:22 PM

    USC is great. The dental students are so glad to see someone who's not smelly or weird, that they'll help pay for some of your work. Park at the Shrine for $7.

  21. I'll brush and floss your teeth for free if you dress like that! JK - funny post